Heart beat
As I sunk down into the water I felt surrounded by a warmth. it was so quiet, and for once, I didn’t hate the sound of my heartbeat. Thumping away in my chest. It was the only thing I focused on. A steady rhythm that reminded me. I was alive. I was there. Strong and powerful as it pumped my blood through out my body.
Far different from the frantic shallow thumps that constantly bombarded my every waking moment.
Yes, I’ve murdered someone.
You asked me once if I’ve ever done anything bad.
Well, yes. I’ve murdered someone.
You asked me why I’ve never told you this. I’ve never said anything, because this person was innocent. This person didn't deserve it.
In the end though, this person was insignificant. No one would care if she was dead, no one would even know.
She was a child.
Small and wide eyed. She saw the world as a place with beautiful things. A place that anything was possible.
I put my hands around her neck and squeezed. I felt her struggle and fight to stay alive. But I knew I needed to do it, even if she was all I ever wanted in my life.
The look she gave me right before she took her last breath was not one of anger or hatred. It was full of love and pity. sadness that she would leave me alone. Even as she was dying, she wiped away the tears that were pouring down my cheeks.
How could I destroy something with so much love, so much understanding. Even for the person that was killing her.
You asked me if I’ve ever done anything bad.
Yes. I’ve murdered innocence, and I hate myself for it every day of my life.
I just need you, even for only a second.
Who knew it could be so lonely,
Pretending your fine.
Smiling.
Who knew even if your surrounded by all the people in the world. If you don’t have the one person you want to see, you feel empty.
Terribly, completely, and utterly. Numb.
Somewhere between sadness and not caring.
How dark the world looks, the light too far to see. The warmth in your heart stolen and put just out of reach.
It gets worse as time goes on. Days, weeks, months, years. All making it harder and harder not to long for what you can’t reach. Harder to pretend you are fine without it.
I just want to see you one last time.
Please don’t leave me before I keep my promise to you. Please let me hold onto you one last time.
Empty rooms.
I always wondered why people fill empty rooms with objects, even if they don’t use them. I decided to see what it was like to stay in an entirely empty room for a day.
With objects, you can distract yourself. Busy yourself with your hands in moving stuff around, or look at what they are and do.
But the second the room is empty, your left alone with nothing but your thoughts. Even if you try, your mind always wanders. It wanders to the worst thoughts possible, to the things you never want to think about. When you are in a room with nothing in front of you, you feel truly alone. Your head is telling you things you don’t want to hear. Even if you spoke out to quiet the voices, there would be no reply. Your thoughts would soon return ten fold.
I now know why people fill their empty rooms with objects.
Because an empty room feels like your the only person in the world.
It’s terribly lonely.
To the girl I hurt the most.
Forgive me,
I never meant to make you cry.
I never meant to make you lie.
I never meant to destroy your life.
So please, forgive me.
I just wanted to see you happy, and in the moment you were. I didn’t know that the momentary happiness you had would bring eternal pain and sorrow.
I tried my best to give you a good life. I didn’t know that what I was doing, was really only destroying it. I was young, foolish, and ignorant. Too spontaneous in my actions, but to slow to think.
So for this, I’m sorry.
forgive me not.