It’s happy hour at the Prince of Wales and the place is filling up quickly. Phil and Pete have been best friends since Pete and his wife became the next door neighbors twelve years ago.

“Hey Phil, you’re looking good. Let’s grab this table. How’s your day going? You seem irritated.”

Phil tossed a sachel stuffed with papers on the table. “I have a pet peeve. The misuse of the words then and than.”

“Sounds like someone has a pedantic streak,” Pete said while looking around for someone to take their order.

“Oh, it’s not a streak; it’s a gaping black hole. I can’t help it. How do you reach college age and not know that a person should want to eat ice cream rather than rot in Hell, and then go for a pony ride?”

“I’ll remember that next time I send you a Christmas card. You college English professors are supposed to be uptight; it’s in your nature.” He continued trying to get a server’s attention.

“Thanks for that, Dr. Freud. Can you help me with my Oedipus complex too? I just need you to dig a hole for my old man because I’ll be too busy banging the shit out of Mom.”

“I’m afraid your old man will have to bake in the sunshine, actually, why don’t you fuck him too. Speaking of which, you still doing that freshman in your creative writing class?”

“No, she wrote a creative essay to my wife. I’ve got to give her credit though, it was a damn good essay, very descriptive.” Phil leaned his chair back to pivot on its back legs and reached for the apron of a passing server just beyond his grasp.

“Shit! Did Gloria throw your ass out on the grass?”

“No, of course not. I told her the girl was crazy as a cracked-up jack rabbit and it was just a crush that went off the rails. You know Gloria, she’ll believe anything I tell her. God bless her; she worships me. She’s gone to visit her sister for a couple of weeks, so I’ve got a little window to let Willy run wild.”

“So, you definitely cut it off? With the girl, I mean...not your willy. I know you’d rather cut off your right hand, make that your left hand,” Pete said with his eyes just slits and a sarcastic smile sliding off his lips.

More people entered the bar and the air became dense with the static of too many conversations going at once.

Leaning in closer to Pete and bumping up his volume a couple of notches Phil said, “Oh yeah, the girl was bad news. I had her transferred out of my class and let her become someone else’s headache. Oh man, did she give great head; I’ll miss that. Now I’ve got my eye on this sweet redhead with Aphrodite’s tits...fucking amazing.”

“Seriously, you get more pussy than a tuna cannery on Cat Island.”

“A guy’s gotta have a hobby! So, Peter Perfect my clever friend, any peeves of your own?”

“Sure, the hair on the back of my neck stands up every time my kid says ginormous.”

“That’s funny, but did you know that word’s actually been around since the 40s?”

“It doesn’t make it any less stupid. I mean, it was funny when Will Farrell said it, but the kid’s not Will Farrell. And I think he does it just to piss me off, he’s at that age.”

“That’s nothing compared to what he’s going to put you through when he starts sprouting pubes. He’ll be just like his father. You’re going to have to chain him to his bed to keep him from impregnating every female in the county, including livestock.”

“Yeah, I wish I’d realized you were such a horny bastard before we asked for your baby -juice,” Pete said, almost shouting now.

“Hey, it’s because I’m such a horny bastard that I agreed to it. Any excuse to free some soldiers! I did you a big favor sharing my precious seed; the kid’s going to be another Einstein. A smart-ass, pedantic, hump-happy Einstein. I need to have my good deeds recognized. Ol’ Uncle Daddy Phil’s practically a saint.”

“Yeah, a fucking saint. Saint Fucksalot. Damn! That’s the third time my phone’s gone off in the past half hour. There’s some scam that’s going around; the messages they leave are in Mandarin. Oh sorry, this one’s legit. Give me two seconds.” Pete stuck a finger in his left ear and shoved the phone against his other ear. “Hello? Can I call you back?”

Phil waved his hand in front of Pete’s face.

Pete spoke loudly into the phone, “hold on...”

“No, take the call. I’ll hit the head and grab some beers from the bar on my way back.”

Pete watched Phil cross the room and shoot back a wide-eyed look while pointing behind one of the servers, mouthing, ‘Check that ass!’

Lowering his voice a little, “Okay, I can talk now; but it’s loud as fuck in here, so I can’t talk long. You’ll never guess who I’m with. Yep, your horny hubby, he just went to the bathroom. I’ll try to get there by six. Two whole weeks, just you and me babe.”