Life has taught me that bad things happen to poor people. People with no money or luck; hard-working people who barely survive; people from labor and people from lower status.

They always say, "If you were more careful with the way you walk, you still would have

your shoes clean and wearable," or "If you didn't think that much when you walked, there wouldn't be any holes in your jeans. This is the third time I stitched them this month."

Per definition, you are always at fault.

But what about me? I'm not poor. I'm rich. I'm living in a luxurious apartment, surrounded with things I love and need, breathing every ounce of the air contained in it, and still suffer from the hands of my destiny.

No, the mishaps of poor people aren't their fault. Simply, it's an occurrence of moments, existing before the main event.

A child can't be blamed for the crack in the couch on which he sits on. A mother can't be held responsible for the economy in the country, which brutally beats her every day, and her will to work hard for her family. A man cannot be liable for life's cruel game.

Still, some questions leave me lidless of dreams. What about my piteous fortune? What about my nightmares? What about my fear of touch? What about my inability of the words of affection and tenderness?

I'm ample in richness, yet alone and cautious of life's injustices; I don't suffer from a shortage of possessions. On whom can I put the charges for the wrongdoings upon me?

Maybe someone. Or no one. Perhaps I fall short on kismet. Only time will tell. But I will take it lightly with each beat of my tired heart. There is still battle in my lungs. My blood doesn't boil for futile.

"Do you think your brother will still be an asshole just like last time or this time he'll be more tempered and treat you like a real adult?" Dani asks me. We are on our way to the meeting, in the car that the firm sent to pick us up. As usual, he has a point and maybe that is the only reason why I don't want to attend this meeting.

Seeing my father and talking to him after all these years, is not immensely hard or unendurable. I accepted the terms that he has finally earned his redemption towards me and himself. Torturing him for his past and his youth isn't the justice I'm aspiring to achieve in my life. I optioned for mercy and love instead and the act of letting it go, since it is better for my soul and heart. Through the years, I've discovered that I'm a duplicate of my father's appearance and mind.

Why I shouldn't forgive him. Forgiving him is as I'm forgiving myself.  What we have is shared between him and me and sacred only to us. 

But when it comes to my brother Calum, everything is reverse. I doubt that he will ever eliminate the hatred that he still has towards me. He always tries to remind me that I'm the daughter that didn't exist until a couple of years ago.

"I actually want to see or hear him insult me for a billionth time, but in front our father and not in some isolated corner," I tell Dani.

I do want him to do that because I have the permission and strength to insult him back and to put him in his own place. He was and still is jealous - that's a fact. Our father's affection is split between me, our young brother Arthur and him. After my "famous" return to the family I didn't know, our father at the beginning was more inclined towards me and forgot about his existence for a year or two. Arthur who has a gentle heart accepted me and welcomed me with open arms, but Calum is prepared to make my life a hell after the stint I did on him.

***

After I my adoption, Mayra convinced me that maybe it will benefit me to find more about my biological parents and if they are still alive or if I have living family members whatsoever. 

I managed to find a financial support sustainable enough for my cause and with Mayra's help, I hired an investigator. I didn't have any hope, nor I wanted to know if my parents are alive, but my mother convinced me to do a research about my origin. After it, I just waited for any information. Eight months passed and the first news came. Apparently, I have a brother who is working as a lawyer in a prestigious New York firm.

Shock was the first thing I felt. Then anger. And then pain. How can he just forget about my existence and not look for me? Am I not important to him? I'm his kin, and maybe his only closest family member. Or he is happy and he doesn't want me. Or maybe he doesn't know that he has a sister. 

Doubt, clotted hatred and anger were growing inside me and made me feel worthless. I was questioning everything and I hated everything. I wanted to forget and move on, but something inside me didn't let me. I had a shitty life so far and maybe if this is another shit that I have to face, probably it won't be bigger than the others that I've had so far. So I took a leap of faith and went to New York.

Harry. That is his name. According to the file that I received from my investigator, he is one of the most promising lawyers in the country and the youngest partners in the firm he works for. At least, we are both intelligent and share love towards intellect and reason. 

I made a fake appointment so I can see him in person and find more about him from his own words and actions. I waited and waited and as I was about to leave his office, he came. My first thought was  - this man can not be my brother. 

We don't look anything alike. 

But as the meeting progressed I found some resemblance between us in the way he spoke. Or his sharp tongue and words that are full of honesty and assurance. He is confident, full of himself and not ashamed of who he is.

"Don't worry, Ms Lenox, we will definitely win this case. Have faith and be sure of the outcome. Don't worry about a thing. When they hear that Harry Specter is representing you, they will drop the suit and you will walk out of the meeting richer." Here is a man unaware of my lie and still offers me victory. Maybe he will accept me or he will leave me to live in peace and forgets me, just like he did before.

"Thank you, Mr Specter. I appreciate your belief in my case and also for offering me confidence that I will win. It means a lot to me that someone actually cares for me and will do anything to help me."

"Please, it's my job and I will do anything in my power to win this, and Ms Lenox - trust me we will."

I was counting the seconds before I leave his office and also doubting if I should, at least, give him some kind of an inkling of who I'm or the real purpose of this meeting. In a split of a second, I decided that now it's "do or die" moment.

I took a breath and said to him. "Mr Specter, I'm you biological younger sister that you didn't know that existed until now. I've decided that it's time for you to know who I'm. This is my leap of faith and will you be there to catch me?" 

He continues to stare at me dumbfounded and I can hear his laboured breathing. I take a breath as well and continue with my "speech". "Now,  I will give you a moment to compose yourself and to tell me everything you know. And, please don't be shy or don't even try to lie to me, because trust me - I will know!"

The colour from his face is gone and he pales. He is, indeed very, very shocked. He has this exceptional terrified look  and in that moment I know that I've made a mistake. Whatever he know or is prepared to tell me, isn't any good. Secretly, he is aware that I'm also not prepared to know it or to hear it. But my will for discovery about my parents is stronger than anything. Even though another fiasco shit is about to happen, I'm prepared to witness the turning moment that will change my life forever.

***

The drive to the firm is short and fast. I'm trying my best to make small talk with Dani and being focused,  but I do know that he knows that I'm not paying attention at all. My anxiety grows bigger and bigger with each passing moment, making me unease and pale. I'm counting the minutes mentally like a mad woman and hoping for the best. 

As we enter the company's elevator I move to the farthest corner, pulling my back straighter than I've ever had and take a defensive position with a stern look on my face. Noting my defensive mode, Dani makes space in the elevator for my "ready for any attack" position. My agitated posture allows me to be prepared for anything or if someone is bold enough to offend me or try to say something to my face that I don't like.

As the elevator is going up, my mood turns from "prepared for anything" to "fuck me I'm going down and regretting this". Dani senses my worries and automatically moves beside me. It's like he noticed my aura and secretly tries to reassure me that everything will be fine. 

I wish.

He faces me and looks me straight into my eyes. His are full of hope and care, while mine are with iced fear. Just by looking at them, my heart slows down and my breathing becomes slower, controlled. I nod so he can know that it works and I give him a shy, reserved smile.

I hear a ding and the both of us exit the elevator. We are on the right floor where the meeting will be held. I take a large gulp of new breath, straighten my spine and make my way towards my office. 

Fuck this! 

I don't know why I worry so much when it will be just numbers and some old men saying how the company is doing great and approximately about an hour from the start, I will be out and headed to my therapist. I have bigger shit to deal with than being afraid of my stupid brother or the stares of pathetic, grumpy people.

"You don't have to worry so much. It can kill you one day," Dani says to me while I'm fixing my makeup. He truly doesn't miss a thing. 

"I know. It's just ... Ugh ...  It's in my nature to overthink and to be worried. I'm afraid that something will go wrong and that I won't be able to control it or fix it."

"C'mon Matilda. These people don't know who are you for real and you don't own them ANYTHING! They are pathetic sons of bitches who have boring lives and need a distraction in their life. You, being powerful and influential is consider  a threat to them by themselves and by destroying you, they will finally find their lost manhood. Just let them talk shit for an hour, go to your appointment, rest and go out. Don't forget about the bar tonight. Okay," he winks.

My breathing stops for a second when he mentions "the bar" and falsely, like I don't care, continue to watch myself in the mirror. 

Ugh. Do I really have to go there? 

On the bright side, Vyanna will be by my side so I won't have to worry about a thing. I know that everything will be fine and there is nothing to be afraid of. Just a small get together with our friends and then I will be home and having a tight sleep. 

From time to time, I catch myself mentally thanking him for his and their unconditional friendship. I love his faith in me at this moment and for being there too. As my "personal" assistant, his presence is required, but I do know that he comes only for me.

I check my watch and there are only 10 minutes left until the meeting. Nervously I check my suit and I can see that it isn' wrinkled. So far, everything about my appearance is spotless, which is  another sign of my apprehension. 

As I'm marching towards the door, Dani calls my name and as I turn, he unexpectedly slaps me lightly.

"You are little pale, so you needed a little color. Now you are perfect." Surprised by his honesty and intention, I thank him and leave the office with a prayer on my lips.

As I stare at my own reflection in the mirror, I repeat to myself, "You're a strong, confident and intelligent woman, who is fantastic and brave. You WILL make it! Just believe in yourself."

Sometimes I do that often, well too often, if you ask me, but it's the only way to make it through this day. I rarely attend big and important meetings, but it's for my sake and the sake of the company I partially own. It's hard being a bastard daughter and then a legitimised one when you are unknown to the social life of New York.

From time to time, I still cringe at the memory of the discovery of my own birth and real-life parents. Spending my teenage life at an orphanage and then being adopted by a wonderful family is (in my own terms) "a gift from some god, which presence I didn't even acknowledge". Being loved by some unknown woman at the time (and today) is almost like "out of my body" experience and living with her and her daughter and son, I finally understood why hope and love are so important in someone's life.

That is the only way why I'm going to those meetings and still doing it - I want her to be happy, secure and proud of me and also to provide a safe future for her and my sister.

My brother is totally fine on its own and he's sometimes an asshole. He doesn't deserve to be included in this "situation" - you know, me doing things I don't love or adore, but I continue doing them simply because of the reason I mention before.

After a long and thorough bath, I step into my closet and decide which suit to wear. Since I don't have any knowledge about style and or fashion whatsoever, I decide that it's right to wait for my assistant and let him choose which suit to wear.

Because of his impeccable fashion taste and sense, I let him dominate me in that area, but in others, not so much. While I'm waiting for him, I decide that maybe now it's the time to finally put a corset and wear it under my suit. I don't believe in that stupid saying about underwear (specifically lingerie) and it's power to make you feel powerful and confident, but after putting it on me, I finally understand what it means.

Standing in front a mirror is and always will be difficult for me, but standing there only dressed in my corset and panties and garter belt makes me feel little more relaxed than I thought I would be.

Being a 1.85cm tall, slender and somewhat modest in the curves area, sometimes can be a problem for me, but when I put those 5-inch heels, that seems to go away faster than I imagine.

Finally, I hear the door knob move and I know that Dani is here and ready to rescue me from my loathing thoughts. Like always he's right on time, smiling, happy and ready for action. This is not the first time he sees me like this and also not the first time that I feel almost naked in front of him. God, I still laugh at that memory.

I was going home after my work. I was extremely tired and exhausted, I didn't dare to think about eating or taking a hot shower to relax me. I just entered my apartment, took off my shoes and my clothes and went directly to my bedroom. The moment I opened the door I was greeted by a naked Dani waiting for me on my bed and "ready for pleasure" (that's what he told me after our long talk). I screamed louder that I meant it and throw the first object I could find next to me.

Poor Dani, he immediately understood that all of that friendly flirting at the office and giving him the keys to my home so he can drop things when I couldn't, weren't an intentional booty call. I must admit he was indeed really gifted in all areas, but sadly I didn't see him as a possible love interest or in his own terms "a delightful and pleasurable distraction for as long as I wanted." I just wanted his friendship and after that night, that is what he became - a friend I can trust and on who I can always rely when it comes to a fashion advice.

"Sooooo, why are wearing a tight beige corset? As I can remember, my birthday is two months away," he says it sarcastically, with a smile plastered on his face. 

(did I mention that he has incredible facial features. If I haven't, now you know that he has incredible facial features)

I retort him also sarcastically and with enough loudness to remind him who is in charge. "Well, I thought that now is the time to feel powerful as the position I have in the N.Y social life."

"Well, dear Matilda, you've finally succeeded!"

For some reason, I think he's proud of me and also satisfied. Maybe because of my choice of lingerie or that I'm standing in front of a mirror and watching myself without an ounce of shame or self-commenting.

He steps into my closet and goes directly to my shoe rack and picks the Casadei black leather ankle pumps and also a white suit from Public School and a black silky top. Before I dress into my suit, he tells me to change my corset and to put a black basque from Agent Provocateur.

As I'm putting my mascara, I shyly thank my mother for buying sexy underthings for every single birthday. She still has that hope that one day I will wear them in front of a male gaze or maybe purely for my own pleasure as an exercise for boosting my self- confidence. Well today is that day and I'm wearing them to make me feel powerful and confident and I like that their magic has started to work on me.

As I leave my room, I take a final glance at myself in the mirror and strangely I feel secure and sure that this day will be an interesting one. I hope that I can manage this god awful meeting with my "real" family.