"I'm going to college," I said.

"How can you possibly afford that?" They replied.

"I'm graduating school early," I said.

"Why the rush?" They replied.

"We're getting married," I said.

"But you're so young," they replied.

"I'm pregnant," I said.

"What about your career?" They replied.

"I'm resigning," I said.

"To stay home with your baby?" They replied.

"I'm pregnant," I said.

"You're fired," they replied.

"I'd like to work for you, but I'll need maternity leave in two months," I said.

"You're hired," they replied.

"I'm going to grad school," I said.

"How can you prioritize that over your family?" They replied.

"I'm applying for a promotion," I said.

"When will you be happy to just be?" They replied.

"I'm getting a divorce," I said.

"You have only yourself to blame," they replied.

"I found love," I said.

"Probably just because he has money." They replied.

"I make more money than my husband," I said.

"We don't believe you," they replied.

"I have many plans for this role," I said.

"You need to smile more and be less direct," they replied.

"I've found a new position elsewhere," I said.

"What did we do wrong?" They replied.

"I have big ideas," I said.

"We're promoting you," they replied.

"I can afford that," I said.

"How?" they replied.

"I'm happy," I said.

"Good for you," they replied as they rolled their eyes.

"I no longer care what they think," I said. And then I knew I'd succeeded.

Dear Tootles,

I would like to take a moment to discuss your request for the introduction of mice into our shared dwelling for the express purpose of your demented entertainment.

I have thoughtfully considered your arguments for such an arrangement, and would like to address each individually.

1. Staring out a window has grown tiresome.

I am quite sorry to hear that our dwelling's windows no longer meet your standards. I would like to point out that, in areas which allow for maximum sun exposure, there have been painstaking efforts - such as installing hammocks and placing various objects of entertainment - to ensure your comfort. As such, I feel we may want to address your choice of words instead. I know that if I spent my days sunning myself and getting high on catnip, I'd likely feel tired as well. I would like to offer you an opportunity to reframe your thoughts about our windows and their value. Feeling tiresome would appear to be the desired affect, and therefore, such a feeling is not a valid argument for the introduction of mice into our abode.

2. Mice have no feelings, anyway.

I must ask, Tootles, where it is that you have come to believe in information such as this? I do wonder if the catnip has, perhaps, done more harm than good. I cannot imagine any character of integrity truly believing that a mouse is not, in fact, a sentient creature. Do they not learn? Do they not squeal when in pain? Do they not run when frightened? I believe the only reasonable response to this particular argument is to significantly reduce the amount of catnip you are allotted each day.

3. You need exercise.

I cannot argue with this point. You do, in fact, need more movement in your life. However, exercise can be achieved in a variety of ways that do not involve willful harm to others. While there are already many viable options for you to achieve this goal in our home, I will concede on this point and seek to purchase a laser pointer to use for your exercise, and my entertainment.

4. It will make me proud of you.

Though I have come to accept that felines, such as yourself, are quite convinced that their abilities to hunt and kill mice are worthy of accolades and praise; I need you to accept the reality that this is simply not true. Further, whether mice have been added to our dwelling purposefully or not, I'll thank you for no longer bringing your successful slaughter to my attention by placing the corpse in such places as my bed, in front of my door, or really anywhere that requires me to deal with the aftermath of your activities.

My darling Tootles, as you have probably recognized by this point, I must decline your request. While I understand and appreciate the reasoning behind your proposal, it is clear that acquiescing would be beneficial only to you. Further, it would certainly cause harm to others; including, and especially, irreparable damage to my sanity.

I do hope you understand and accept my sincerest apologies.

With love,

The big one who feeds you