A leafless tree

in the middle of spring,

barren and brown

while the world turns green, holding it's place

stoic and tall,

refusing to bloom

refusing to fall,

not phased by the wind

or sunny rays,

roots intertwined

holding its place,

alone it will fair

til the end of its days

He was screaming he was bleeding,

Injuries that need treating,

Shot point blank,

Ripped open his right flank,

Moving and working to get him care,

I pinched my finger it's just not fair!

Throbbing and aching it hurts real bad,

A blister has formed and it looks real mad,

His crying is not helping my pain,

I wish people were not so vain.

I reach for my phone before I even open my eyes and start my day. Am I even opening my eyes at all? How much more of my life could I regain if this little thing didn’t exist? How much more would I see?

How much of my memory would improve if I searched my cerebral bank of memories for information instead of pulling up another browser for the answers? How much would my attention span grow if I wasn’t scrolling seeking seconds of entertainment while losing hours?

We have lost ourselves in a vast world that exists on a screen. Using excuse after excuse to continue this way of life even though it is killing us. We rely on shortcuts to propel us forward and then complain that no one wants to work anymore.

Books gather dust because phones never leave hands. Eyes gloss over and miss moments around us because they never truly avert from the screen in front of them.

We watch the devastation it creates all around us. We read about it on our phones staring the problem in the face while disregarding the solution.

Anxiety ridden, depression drenched and still clinging to the cause of it all. We have lost ourselves to technology, justifying it by believing the lie that we need it to survive.

I wrote by hand for the first time in a while and my penmanship was barely legible. I sat in silence without a phone nearby and found myself feeling overwhelmed that I had missed something important, within five minutes.

We are erasing our abilities and skills and letting them be replaced by the programming of AI.

Eliminating ourselves, not in the way the movies depicted it. Not physical extinction but extinction of our minds.

This is an addiction that is debilitating, but the symptoms are socially acceptable and have gradually metastasized to a systemic level. The side effects are hidden so well no one is paying attention to the damage it has caused.

We are septic as a society. And we are asking the disease that made us this toxic to fix it for us.

I come alive

just to internally die.

Rising high enough

that the fall will be fatal.

Climbing tirelessly

just to give up.

A spark of joy

extinguished

before it becomes a flame.

I rise again,

meeting the same fate.

An endless cycle

as I slowly fade away.

Day 1,044 of summer break. I am contemplating releasing my children back into the wild where they came from. The word mom has lost all meaning and burns my eardrums as it rings violently through my ear canal, bouncing off each nerve until I have Forest Whitaker eye.

My sanity hangs in the balance as they cling to my every limb depriving me of solitude and a minute of silence. I no longer pass judgement on the species that eat their young. I may not survive this season.

One person leaves the room and the conversation shifts.

"Did you hear about...."

It never fails.

We all have a target on our backs, giving aim to whoever we surround ourselves with. It doesn't matter how hard you try to appease or do right by others, there will be someone ready to spread negative lies or painful truths about you.

The herd mentality is strong in the human species. Everyone joining in to feel on top or a part of something.

A true friend is someone who doesn't cower in your absence. Someone who is loyal regardless the slander that is spewed while your back is turned.

Standing up to a herd and stepping outside of the pack, willing to take a hit for someone you call friend. Sacrificing comfort for the protection of another is the purest form of friendship.

We all are fucked up in our own ways. A true friend won't be the one secretly laughing at you for it, valuing self-preservation more than you.

Caution slippery when wet.

It is not what it sounds like. One might find themselves following that disclaimer expecting a provocative end but then you would be disappointed. But now that I have your attention maybe stay and see where we end up.

I have been referred to as a walking, talking oxymoron. I am a liberal conservative. I’m a fire fighter scared of heights. A gay that is too straight to associate with the LGBTQRSTUV community. A feminist surrounded by men. An extroverted introvert. I dream of living in the mountains but hate being cold. A mom that appears and fulfills the role of dad. Dressed in cowboy boots with my wranglers all day, and then slacks and suspenders for a nice dinner and musical after.

My Christmas list consists of DeWalt tool bundles with a nice new pair of oven mitts. I’ll pour your concrete patio and then pour batter for your cake. My Pandora list can shuffle from Frank Sinatra to The Offspring, and I wouldn’t miss a beat. There is more to me than meets the eye. I am deeper than the depths of the ocean and more versatile than a Swiss army knife. Superficially stable with a storm of emotions raging inside. So, if you get close enough you just might find the slippery slope that truly leads to me.

Each day

I have to be productive,

if not

I become self-destructive, beating myself down,

until I am nothing,

searching for worth,

just trying to be something,

giving up,

after never being enough,

my living hell,

living with myself

You ask how I am without intentions of listening.

Looking for a simple reply instead of focusing,

as you keep walking by

not noticing.

Vacant expressions

and relations,

cordial conversations

out of obligations,

you have no intetest

in what I'm saying,

if it isn't about you

you're not relating,

a one way street of communication,

self-serving

and avoiding complication,

no one ever has the patience,

so I lie and say

"I'm fine thanks."