This might not be a poem

This might just turn into a rant

Well, so be it.

I am not being the best me I can be. I want to be great. I somehow manage to succeed in life but not in an outstandingly manner. I do my best when things are laid out for me and I recieve help. Not that I can't do nothing by myself. But right now I just wish someone could tell me how to feel.

I am experiencing emotions I haven't experienced before.

I'm taking risks and trying things that I didn't think I was capable of doing.

I'm also being irresponsible with school. I can't force myself to sit down and write this 1,000 word essay.

I think I've been talking for to long, even though I hardly talk.

I'm tired of feeling alone.

I'm tired of seeking attention.

And I wish my nails were longer.

I don't know how to better myself or my crafts.

Well-

I know what to do, but I don't know how to balance what I want with what I need.

I can hardly balance the unhealthy life I already live.

I don't sleep enough and I don't eat foods that help me and I procrasinate too much.

There were times in my life where I had my shit together. It sucks that right now I'm reminising on that state of mind.

Reminising while I desprately wait for a boy to text me back.

I am disintigrating as I type.

And I want to cry, but I don't have time for that.

I have to wrap this up and finish my essay.

Good night.

You tell me you want to get to know me more.

But why?

Is it because of the way I look?

My political views?

My sense of humor?

Is it because you don’t know anyone else that might be interesting?

Because this is quite rare for me.

It’s rare for someone to ask me out while I simultaneously find them interesting as well.

I know very little about you but I’m trying to imagine us together. We’d be a goo of curls, curves, and edges.

I don’t know, really.

Let’s just see how this first date goes...

my mood changed

im in a similar situation

summer is still hot

and winter is still cold

but what has become of me

it sounds dumb

but i used to feel as if i never wanted to be happy again

the sadness wasn’t enjoyable

but that’s what i had become

i let it define me

in this point of my life

i feel good

happy

great

not only are the seasons rotating

but my life is shifting

it’s becoming new

and im actually excited for it

(This is what I would tell him in person.)

-Hey, could I share something with you?

-Um, well. I have this goal. It’s not really a New Years resolution, it’s just a personal goal I’ve had for a while. I want to be more open. More honest. And well, to be honest with you...I had a crush on you last year. It’s kind of over now.* I always see those posts online about people wondering if anyone actually has a crush on them and I always thought to myself “Hey, I would want to know if someone had a crush on me.” So I thought it wouldn’t be fair for you not to know this. Wow, I’m kind of shaky... I hope things don’t get all weird and awkward.

-I didn’t want to be awkward around you so I never told you. I know we’re not that close of friends but the little we talk could turn into weird, small interactions. I still genuinely want to get to know you more, maybe become friends?But yeah, I don’t have a crush on you anymore.

-What I liked-well...I guess, like??.. about you is that you seem like a cool, chill dude. You’ve got a great sense of humor. I think the crush was based off me thinking we had a similar sense of humor. And you’re cute...but yeah. I just wanted to get that off my chest. I understand if you never did feel the same way towards me, it’s no big deal.

-And I was hoping you could kind of keep this between us? I get that it’s kind of weird and you might talk about it to your best friends, but ask them to not share it around school...? Another thing to be honest about is that I can be a little prideful...a little really. Which is another reason I never talked to you about this...I was taught growing up that the boy should always make the first move so I stood behind that.

-Um, thanks for listening and not being weird about this. Friends...?

-Cool. See you around.

*it’s not over.

I joke too much

Call me a goofball

But when my emotions to chime in

No one pays attention

When I want to talk seriously

They think I’m deliriously kidding

“Weren’t you just joking about a second ago?”

No, it was a joke of self hatred

It was naked

Weren’t my feelings obviously placed on display?

Now, I don’t mean to say

That all my jokes are to be taken seriously

But I do give out hints of me wanting to die sometimes

Although I try not to cry

These thoughts seems to make it out alive

Out though my mouth

And transform into tears right out of my eyes

And hey

There’s no stopping it now

They’ll just pour and pour and pour out

When your done you’re a drought

You see,

I know what I feel

I feel what I think

The pain of dreadful thoughts only makes my heart endlessly sink

I wouldn’t wish it on my friends

God forbid they feel dead inside

Like me

I’ll check up on them consistently

Compliment their eyes and art and their poetry

Just be completely supportive of who they’re trying be

Themselves

I remind them their pets are great

And wish then an amazing, spectacular day

Why is it that I care too much about my friends

But I don’t seem to have enough comfort and love for myself

Maybe I do care too much about myself

Im overly selfish

Overly sensitive

Let me share with you that there’s sins I’ve committed

Don’t think other wise

And I haven’t been lying

I just don’t bring them up cuz conversations will get stuck

Where was I going with this

I don’t fucking know

I was listening to Tyler all day

Thought I’d take writing some rhymes for a go

Good night

It all seems stupid

The infinite cycle

Emotional distress throughout

It’s enough to throw a tantrum

Where did all the good feelings go

It seems as if I sank them

It seems pointless to create conversation

If you were interested

You’d say

Of course I think you’re amazing

But the feeling isn’t mutual

And trying to find someone else to focus on is hard

I blame my appearance, at first

Maybe if I were thinner - prettier!

No.

I throw the thought away

I must not be interesting

A boring girl that has no excitement in her life

That can’t be it, I’m fun

Although I wish we could’ve been at least friends

I’ll cope and forget about this crush soon

And from afar

Alongside everyone else growing up through elementary and high school, I detested math class.

Worksheets after worksheets. Confusing formulas. And don’t you dare be absent because you’ll miss that day’s lesson and when you come back you’ll be packets behind of work that you, frankly, forgot how to resolve.

Heck,

I remember being kicked out of Pre-Algebra in 8th grade because I would get confused with all those nasty variables and formulas. I was sent back to the regular math class.

Although, at this moment in time, I am a high school senior.

I look back at that Pre-Algebra class and realize it’s very easy.

I’m in Pre-Calc this year and it’s not very difficult.

I decided that math is my favorite subject for a very “deep” and dare I say lazy reason:

2 + 2 = 4

And 25 x 3 = 75

There is one correct answer.

In English we read a poem and we have to write a response of said poem taking about how it made us feel.

It’s dangerous.

Our beliefs and feelings are such a delicate thing to handle.

When you think you found the right words to capture how you felt, you realize it’s not possible.

There are many words that have the same meaning yet they can still seem off in your writings.

In arithmetic, you either say the correct answer or you don’t.

I’m not a big fan of learning formulas and filing up my bookbag with endless worksheets. However, a calculator can do fast thinking. And there is no technology (yet) that can scan the mind and show your raw and precise feelings on its screen.

In other words, I rather write formulas a few times than write paragraphs that lead to nowhere.

I would dream of you

And you admitted to dreaming of me

My poems were about you

And your poems were about me

But we eventually started writing poems about nightmares

Because we didn’t love each other anymore

We were too honest

A someone to detangle my hair

To hold me close

Annihilate distance

Cause a spark that transforms into fire

Burn down all my fears

Scare away the quiet

Accept the sadness in my mind