I tire of fighting

All that's old

Found a new path

Truth be told-

Ignore your wrath

And spend my strength

Building

Something

New...

-DeRicki

My words can run dry

Like the Sands of a forgotten desert

Rejuvenation a dream

And the sun reflecting is mean

Names are forgotten when the heat comes alive

Grave robbers grapple with conscience

The zombied horror within

And the only thing it needs is water to live

But the river died when the river died

All I want is water

All you offer is sweet sticky poison 

Make me choke on my savior

Have you engaged in the waves

In the Sands of the grave

I'm alive

But I didn't ask to be.

Once....

I preached about love

Defining the beauty

Within my words

I sewed passion

With the thread of affection

Embroidery of romance

Knitted from the heart

That was once

Filled with desire

Now.....

I praise about sorrow

Expressing the chaos inside

Cruel words

With sharp edges

Tearing my sanity

Into pieces

Hatred grows stronger

As the blade of the rhythm

Slashing the peace within

I become the sword of darkness

Made from the steel of betrayal

You see......

I was killed

By love

And you buried

My trust

In the crypt of blackness

I was once

The preacher of light

But now

I'm ya dark writer

Spilling emotion

From my broken soul

-Jess

Silence is the monster I keep inside my mouth. Its cage keeps your secrete, its bars burn with guilt.

Silence is the monster devouring my life. Its teeth gnaw the truth, its guts absorb my will. 

Silence is the monster shredding my hope. Its claws thrash at the memories, its weight pounds me into nothing. 

I watch you.  Carefully memorizing the msrks of your flesh. The unseem birthmark on the middle of your back.  The bruises on your flesh. I watch you as you gaze into the mirror of this hotel that's proved our home. You're naked as you examine the color of your hair and you watch me through the reflection.

The hotel is crowded with the remains of our life. Cluttered and disheveled. Spilled domestic beer tossed down on Leftover Chanel. I look away from your gaze. Caught up in the beauty of your form I dismiss the chaos.

You make me nervous you say And I feign a blush and tuck my head against my chest. I'm sorry I whisper it and it's arrogant and untrue. Because I like that you tremble. I like that challenge is to make you understand.

Anyone can fuck me. Anyone can fuck you. We've been there before. But you're different aren't you? I don't want you to be. I didn't want you to be. But no one controls their fate.

I Love you you say and youre thanking me for dinner and your siblings and I'm shaking my head and imaging how. Whole I feel when your skins against mine.

You light a Marlboro and pace nervously. And I'm trying to focus on your words. But your body curves in majestic ways that bend my mind and mold our bodies together in perfect motion.

I want you I say and immediately withdraw. Because I see the look in your eyes and for a moment I hate myself. I'm me I say and I love you

You look away and casually ash your smoke on the floor. I turn away and hear the bottle crack. And more than anything I want to fall on my knees and beg. I want you to see it. See it as I do. I want you to understand.

You deserve better I say and you scoff. I throw my head into my hands in despair. I wish for one moment you could see what I see in you.

A flashing rectangle across my vision

A door

Beckoning me

Calling me to answer it

I reach with my eyes

Only for it to be swept away by a wave of neon

Pinks and greens and yellows

Sprinkling themselves across my vision

Like sprinkling salt into water

The neon disappears and I am left with something new

Black

I'm in space, floating

I see the stars appear one by one

And then I see a blue planet

Glimmering and beautiful

I get closer and closer and get swallowed by the blue

My world

Flashing lines roll across a blotchy black surface,

 blinking like an old neon sign,

except this is a plain screen of black and white.

 light shadows in from the front and interrupts my vision,

my vision that makes me feel like I've taken a blow to the head,

and I open my eyes and my imagination starts to roll again like film.

Why have I not yet drowned?

With my head held underwater,

The pressure is tangible, palpable,

Omnipresent and everywhere,

Pushing me down under, harder, deeper;

My head feels bloated, swollen,

From the screaming of my brain,

A long,

Drawn-out,

Pleading wail,

Begging for the oxygen

That it will never attain.

Why have I not yet starved?

There’s an emptiness within me,

A hollow, recess feeling

In my stomach,

In my gut,

In me,

A gaping hole

That food cannot replace.

It’s always there,

Ever-gnawing at the rest of me,

Eroding it,

Eating away

At what little is left.

Why have I not yet asphyxiated?

There’s a pounding in my head,

A burning in my throat

Where the noose is knotted,

Tautened,

Digging into my flesh,

Like a boa constrictor-

An ironclad grip on my heart and chest,

Clasping,

Clutching,

Squeezing to the beat of my heart,

Tighter with each futile pulse.

Why have I not yet bled to death?

My body is one great wound,

Rivulets of blackened blood

Running down my limbs

Washing them in carmine,

Crimson,

Scarlet;

I feel dazed with pain,

My vision tinged in red,

My skin waxy and pale;

Transparent,

Like the ghost I should be.

Why have I not yet passed?

My heart still pulses vainly on

In its empty shell

Of a ribcage,

Forcing onto me the burden

Of this life,

This being,

This existence.

I cannot understand

Why my body is still fighting

When I have given up.

smooth black,

specked in dust,

but I still see some

color bleeding through.

it all feels far away,

like breathing on

the tips of reach.

hiding as though

my vision is caustic,

and beasts play in

the blended depths

of my failed perception,

memory makes

my bones ache for

the last of the veil

and my words nestle

in the corner trying

to survive another day,

avoiding permanent

rest upon the page.