She asked me to see the stars and I had nodded in an absent trance. There was too much noise in my ears and too many lines in my nose. But, she wanted to see the southern skies through my eyes. And Williamsburg mountain wasn't a hop skip and a jump, but she was there. An hour drive to heaven and peace and her wrapped in my arms. An hour drive to show her something in me, something unsettled...yet rooted and wild. And so I lit a joint and slid in shotgun. A far cry from the noisy bar on main street.

She took my joint and I took her hand. Feigning for a cigarette, I fumbled for my dispo, just to take a hit. Needing something. Something more familiar than the sound of her voice, singing quietly along with the silky tones of Lana del Rey.

*We were Born to Die or we were immortal.

Tonight nothing made sense *

The roads were empty. 2 a.m and counting and her hand was on my inner thigh. Resting easy and comfortable. We turned the curve and shifted down. The hum of the engine and the softs sounds of the radio melted together, into some melodic hum...with fireflies and crickets and the sounds of the Appalachian Mountains, swaying in and out of my mind. Torn and broken, addled by drink and drug...

I felt her lips against my neck. Warm, soft and inviting. I pulled away, for a moment.

A tinge of guilt.

And then I pulled her closer, kissed her deeper before I let the walls rebuild...

I stepped outside and she followed, sheepish.

I pointed out the constellations,

As her hands slid beneath my shirt. A sudden give inside of me...and I gave into to the softness of her touch, calloused fingers exploring my skin. I leaned into her and gave in.

Naked flesh finding naked flesh. She was warm and wet and ready.

And the quiet moans, as I slid inside of her, seemed to echo through swaying pines.

We watched the sunrise from the hood of her benze. Lost somewhere in the coming sun and our discretions.

There was a glitch, somewhere in the system. Broken codes and broken words. We were torn and thrown down. Just bare now, raw and naked and confused.

Our bloodshot eyes matched the burn down of the Nashville sunset. Stoned out and staring hopeless and bewildered at the southern sky.

She had asked me to go. Then asked me to stay.

Whiplash and uncertainty settled in. Shading the balcony with comfort and dread and fear.

We weren't the villains here, I thought. But, we weren't exactly the heroes either.

She picked aimlessly at the strings of an old ass Gibson as I tried to roll a joint. The sounds of the city were familiar and foreign all at once. The unanchored traffic beneath us, distant horns and distant sirens stirred into the velvet tones of her guitar and the coarse softness of her Appalachian tongue.

I needed to go and wanted to stay. I tried to detach, to disassociate, to turn down the volume of my mind. Too many thoughts of Decisions and deceit. I was lost out there beyond the sunset. Trapped Somewhere between her hazel eyes and home fires burning...I'd checked out.

There were Virginia nights and dank ass weed and visions of Kentucky summers and streetlights and sneaking sidewalk kisses beneath their iridescent glow.

She was beside me before I'd known. With her arms lashed around my waist and her head against my chest. I dropped my guard and leaned into her hold. "Why don't we run," she said, whispery and quick. Her words drifted off into the Nashville noise.

And we both stood in silence, acknowledging the cowardice and fear between us.

Worlds were folding in, imploding around us. Those home fires we had stoked with gunpowder words and gasoline lines...they were burning down now.

Nothing but dying embers and ash.

We'd made little effort to revive them, I thought.

Maybe we lacked the drive to save ourselves...to save ourselves from the approaching days. Our pasts were closing in around us. You could feel the end drawing near. Clingy and thick. Everything we had known, everything we had loved, disappearing into the smoke, deep and black and cleansing.

We'd fucked that night...on the balcony, where just hours before he'd held her. And we knew, even then, that our ecstacy would be their demise.

I was gone before you knew it. Drunk, trying desperately to roll a joint. I looked out at the Pulaski County sky...just horror movie moons and crossfaded clouds. Dancing out there beyond the street lights. The smell of weed, the smell of you, the smell of my Chanel... it's all dreamlike and unreal.

I'm tryin' to impress you, a miserable fail, you don't seem to notice or you don't seem to mind? It looks like it's all in or all out. And I'm standing here bluffin'

And you're holding all the Aces

I'm fumbling with this half ass excuse for a joint, pregnant and loose, I give up and toss it down.

I try to offer you a shot of Woodford and I see the hesitation in your eyes

And I pull it back and throw it down. I push the bottle back behind me, look ashamed and look away.

But, you've rolled the joint and we're looking at the stars and you've moved closer to me.

I don't know how we got here, in this half turnt up southern town. But, we're here now, with dank bud and an open sky and your eyes...

Like some hazel eyed dream of golden rods and dogwoods and mid-day Virginia skies.

We were no one then, in some nowhere town, planning dreams we were never sure we'd reach.

But, the promotions came and the spotlights called and we've lost ourselves in the mix of Nashville and Nowhere and February in California and the distance goes unnoticed in the dimming numbness of the day to day.

And you're there and I'm here and the mistakes go unspoken. We smile our simple smiles, we hold one another and we fuck...and then we find ourselves in another town, in another bed, feeding ourselves common lies.

She was slightly more honeysuckle than hell

You couldn't see that In her eyes, not always.

But, sometimes she'd turn... Just right

And you could still see the innocence inside her.

Somewhere through the inked out skin and the bubble wrapped dream.

She was there

Some sweet summer night in No Where, Virginia with No Where, Kentucky on my mind.

And her Appalachian twang echoing down the creeper trail.

Stoned and Running from life and love and Reality...

"we're a long way from pizza houses and bars, baby." Hair and make-up had been done and she was postured up. Last minute adjustments and hotel room antics.

I passed her a joint as I fumbled with the buttons. I muttered something about leaving the bottom stud undone and she shook her head...and she smiled.

I'd made some mad dash escape

from Orlando to Austin to get here.

For this.

To see her honeyed eyes light up. To see it all click.

I wanted to see her, as she took it all in.

I watched her hand quiver in the pass...I took an inhale and took her hand.

Pulling her in to me. I needed her close to me. I needed to take the self-doubt from her mind.

There was the rapid *beat. Beat! beat!!!" Of her heart. I wanted to believe she smelled like me. But... She smelled like her and so I shut it down.

And I whisper something akin to, "you've got this, babes." I felt her grip tighten and her head bend into my chest. "You're here," she says, "that's all that matters."

Late July was fast. Thunderstorms and lsd and rain. There was so much rain that day. I was three tabs in when you knocked on my door. Drenched, holding that old ass Gibson, with the broken string.

You were too sober and too alone. You needed the boost and I needed you. I threw back my rum and coke and tucked the bottle away.

You were tense and awkward and scared and...

we were both wondering how we'd ended up here. With you and that Gibson, drenched from the rain. We'd talked Hemingway and The Stones and Hunter S. Thompson and you were too stoned to tune your guitar.

But, you played me old nirvana songs and Marcy's Playground until I'd led you upstairs.

You'd let me in, when we'd made love. Something like a flash out of a movie scene. With Sex and Candy playing... somewhere in the background.

she said she wanted to die in my arms

and I flinched.

like a scrape to the skin. a paper cut, maybe.

just a tinge of pain.

It was quick and it was fleeting.

But, it was there.

I never said I was a runner.

But, I am.

Random women, in random beds

they healed the scrape to my skin

soothed my soul and my mind

Endless bottle and endless lines

they made her fade away.

blurred out the look on her face and

the sound of her voice

as she lulled me to sleep.

She wasn’t mine

so I replaced her

over and over and over again

until it aches inside and my ribs cracked

open and exposed.

but, I held it in and ran faster, harder.

until there was nothing left inside of me

but a hollow moment and her eyes

I few days ago, I came Home. It was a Biblical affair, like some prodigal child returning from the edge of existence and mirrors and dreams...smoke and ashes kinda things.

For a very long time @Prose had been this distant part of me. Like a tiny little card cataloged moment from some distant world. It seems like an entirely different me, reading old writes and rehashing old flames and old trauma...

But...I can't help but smile through the shame of how much I bared my soul to @Prose back then. Y'all were safe! Y'all saved my life and I didn't quite realize that until now.

Thank you @Prose for hunting me down and bringing me home.

Hold it in, like medicine, I thought.

It isn't a tough pill to swallow.

Not at this point.

Not now.

Not with all the mistakes we've made.

She's here now, I think.

There's a Jim and Pam kinda vibe of self-destruction

Just hanging in the air.

We're two seconds from the edge...

Of Texas and Tennessee and some Lucero song lyrics about...

... California coming to take it all...

Hold the words. Hold it in, like medicine, I think.

I focus on her eyes. Bloodshot and stoned.

Still glossed over

From some last minute tears.

"Mistakes happen, babes." I lowered my head. Some defensive shell fuckery from my youth.

I felt the tension leave the air.

Hold it in, I think. Hold it in, like medicine.

She runs her fingers through my hair

And

I feel her press in against me.

*Nothing is right in my mind. We ignore it though and she folds into me

I take a breath and pull her in. It's a breath of frustration or euphoria or fear...

It's not a tough pill to swallow, my friend. We've been here before.

Hold It down. Hold it down, like medicine.

I

It was everything or nothing.

All in or all out.

Weird spring flowers and overcast skies.

Crossfaded dreams of tatted hands

Feed into debutante eyes.

Easy to fall in and out of

the talk

Of you and me.

The tamed rebel, caged.

Willing and welcoming..

"

"Love is hard,' she says I faded off.

Distance and time had taken it's toll. It all seemed like some cookie cutter, bullshit pocket philosophical excuse...

For conversation...

Excuses run thin...

When you're battle brave

And broken in

"...it's all too much out here alone..."

I cringed inside.

I Shook it off.

And lit a Joint

(Some pre-rolled shit show of... hyper fixation and unknown faith)

"

"Two more days," I say.

But, it's a delayed response.

Rehearsed and rehashed.

*We reap what we sow, I think*

I hear her voice quiver

*Through some video chat reality of what we use to be*

And words echo in

And

Out.

"

"What happens on the road stays on the road..."

"... Things are different out there..."

"Just don't let her bring it home girl."

It's all too much and so I do another shot and pretend that I've slept.

We do our song and dance.

(A rinse, wash... repeat sorta deal)

But, today...I heard the smile in her voice

Annnnnd

It all felt like home.

Distance and road side motels

One night stands

Hurtful words...

... They disappeared...

In some Hasty need...

Tooo

Hear it again, perhaps

Or

Maybe

Just to fuck her.