Well, Fuck.

Brenda and I tried that new Pilates place on 3rd Street today, and just when I was about to reach my oh-so-needed bliss I looked over at Cheryl and she was so not finding hers. I was apparently so deep in aligning my damn chakras, that I didn't even notice Cheryl going completely ape-shit on my bestie Brenda. There was blood EVERYWHERE! Does Cheryl even comprehend how hard it is to get blood out of sandalwood flooring in Manhattan??? Probably not. Judging by her roots and dead-ass looking skin, she probably hadn't been able to afford a spa day in a while. Her dehydrated skin had started to legit peel off her basic bitch face. I noticed she had started letting herself go as I saw her tear Brenda's liposuctioned core apart. (R.I.P. BRENDA! Sorry I let my journal know that you totally got liposuction last summer, but no one will read this anyway so we're good. Kisses!)

Cheryl's eyes were pitch black and had red circles. The whole debacle was so terrifying I haven't been able to fall asleep; even though my lovely husband Edward, seeing how distraught I was, bought me new satin sheets. So along with this second glass of Chateau, I've popped a couple Valium to settle my nerves. I think Cheryl had taken bath salts or something; I mean the entire PTA knew she would. Cheryl is the kind of person who will 'try anything once'. I know this to be true because she told me weeks ago she contracted herpes. She thought it would be a fantastic idea to do heroin with her estranged brother who's an exotic dancer along the Las Vegas strip. 

I think that bitch finally snapped. She's been bragging about her basic juice cleanse for fucking forever. Like, bitch please. We all know you would gain those seven pounds back the second you touched a bread plate from some restaurant in Greenwich. I suppose the mixture of a bad high, hunger, herpes, horrible fashion sense, and financial stress got to her. Maybe that's why she shoved Brenda's intestines in her mouth like a fat kid at fat camp finally able to sneak a brownie. 

Whoah... Everything's a little woozy, it was a bad idea to mix Valium and Chateau. 

Hold on, someone's banging on my door. I'll be right back... 

You will NOT believe this! I just checked to see who's banging on my door with my security camera. It's Brenda! How is she not dead? Those doctors at the hospital really do work wonders. I'm going to let my bestie inside so we can talk about what a terror Cheryl was this morning. I'll update you with more details before I go to bed tonight.