Im shy

I apologize after every sly comment I materialize

Only because Im scared it's the wrong thing to say

Im sorry

Interjecting this perfect conversation

That it was a basin of unwanted sensation

Maybe it's because everything I have to say is always slightly idiosyncratic or over dramatic or just plain problematic

Maybe if I step away, no one will notice

Im sorry

Cerebral cognition will become a thunderstorm of frustration over opening a gate no one would enter through

 Discussing this matter will only build a ladder that would never reach a settling conclusion.

I dream that I would stand on a stage and stare back at quiet people who anticipate what I have to say

Only then would I not unconsciously shrink my form to make space for those who preform conversations that are the social normality.

This is starting to sound like complaining 

I'm just here campaigning against my bird cage mouth

Im sorry

I'm anemic in self-confidence with a side effect of lacking competence that makes me feel like I'm dysfunction

That's okay,

they have a pill for that.

The disorganization of all this is metastasizing 

Confining a voice that has a chance to be loud but chooses not to be because

Im shy

I apologize after every sly comment I materialized

Only because I'm scared it's the wrong thing to say

Im sorry.

"Don't worry about it," they say

Try explaining that to the twisting in my bones

in the drop of my mind

Try fixing the contraption of a functioning brain that's now jammed

Revolving around this one black hole of a  predicament

"Your over thinking it," they say

I'm just looking at what the world has taught me so far

Nothing is safe from the dangers of existing

I thought you'd understand

Worrying is only the rational reaction to the lemons and limes that shower down in hurricanes

Alone

We've all felt it

That empty space that lingers

Your silhouette can only attempt to fill the space

Alone

That feeling you get walking down the alleyway

Like the gaps in the pavement are creeping at your shoulders

The moon cowers behind the building

Alone

Staring at the ceiling fan with the door closed

The cat pawing at the exit

You don't let him in

Alone

Isn't

Always that

Bad 

I sit here wasting ink

And yet I still cant think

Of words to fill the page

Of thoughts layed to waste

My mind rambles on

To lands gone beyond

I pour them on the paper

And save the thoughts for later

For now I wear a smile

As the letters stand in file

My mind sits still

As now the blank page is filled

This is it" I think to myself

As I stand an inch from the cliffs shelf

"This is where it ends" I say

As I take a step and then I sway

This is where I fall

Where I brake

This is where I fight the snake

Then I do, I fall

I close my eyes and embrace it all

I hear the shadows

And see the darkness

Holding me like a harness

As I plummet, I jolt

Realizing the mistake I took

I flail and wail and reach for the light

Realizing I'm losing the fight

I frantically search the night sky

Something bright catches my eye

I reach for the hope that's so far

Just a twinkle in the distant stars

I hold it on my back

Then I hear a wings flap

I begin to rise

I'm breathless with great surprise

Flying above it all,

I'm saved from the shadows fall

How did we get caught so deep in this trap with all these pastel paper dolls

Losing themselves in their false worlds

But we're still here

Forced to deal with reality

And pity all the blind ones

I'd hate to leave you guessing

But this isn't a dressing game

The world Isn't made of plastic

I want myself to stop thinking because I don't want to hear the words that little violent man up there has to say.

I tell him people already fill the cage called my brain with syllables and letters and ideas.

He responds by repeating those words on a loop constantly like a carousel in a clowns festival.

I beg for silence, for peace, for mercy!

He doesn't listen.

He doesn't care.

He's not merciful.

He likes to see me struggle.

Have you ever thought about it?

How the person you adore stands just in that tilted way with both shoulders high?

How your grandmothers hugs feel warm, true, and full of heart?

How your little brothers hair smells after he's been playing outside?

Have you ever thought about it?

How your mothers voice sounds when she's telling you goodnight?

How your fathers footsteps resonate through you when he comes home from a long day?

How your grandfather tells his stories so soaked in wisdom and time?

Have you ever thought about it?

How you and your best friend laugh till your breathless at something hidden to the world?

How your sister dances around singing symphonious songs to herself?

Have you ever thought about it?

What am I doing?

What am I thinking?

Thinking...

The room is shrinking, and I'm thinking

Panic claws at my throat like a hungry bear.

I become aware that anxiety is now in the room with me

Dunking my head into an ocean of fear.

I must remember I'm still here.

I'm near.

Near the end.

I cant pretend anymore.

I wont pretend.

I will breath and i will see that no one is here.

That the way is clear.

That i will have to crawl through this rubble to escape this trouble.

This troubling mind of mine that keeps wasting my time that keeps repeating my lines.

They repeat and repeat.

And I realize that I'm lying.

That I'm dying.

Why am I suddenly crying?

Its because I'm lying.

These words are poison that burn my throat so listen close.

Because with my throat on fire this is all they spoke.

The voices in me.

The ones who scream.

The one whos me.

The ones whos silent.

This was our home

Where the children played till their names were called by worried parents

They knew

They knew what was coming

They knew that life would change

That each day was a blessing that could be stolen by a single shot

That the only way of life was to cross your fingers and run across broken glass

That we would be named the enemy by the ones with rotting hearts

Our only friends are the stones on our holy ground

Our flags that cover our exposed backs

Our blood that water the burnt fields and our hope of freedom that keep our minds running

This was our home

Before the clutches of war held us

Before our walls became nothing

Before doors became locked

Before they came like tears

The ones who stoll it

The ones who massacred families

The ones who spread lies like poison through the veins of reality

So long as we fight

Someday

This land will be home again

And the children wont fear the skies

And the olive trees will live another year

And we know someday

Freedom will be ours