Notice: I did not write this to be relatable. I did not write this to cater to any audience. This was written based off of my experiences and my current feelings. I am an alter in a DID system.

My pain was his pain and and, deep down, I know he blamed me for the way he turned out as if I were the lone seamster that weaved our identities into one. I had no idea how it would feel when he first came to me with a sewing needle and said with such eagerness that he had done this before and it would be great. After days turned into weeks and it was done, I barely even noticed. We just meshed together and the transition was so smooth that no one could have told me that I wasn't born that way.

Being tied to another person so deeply is strange when I look back on it. My experiences became his and his became mine. Both of our paths of life merged in all aspects and it was like unlocking old memories in a video game. Suddenly, I no longer went by my name. I no longer had my own thoughts, I was no longer my own separate state of consciousness, yet I wasn't afraid. Looking back, the whole thing is sort of like a marrital rebirth of sorts. Two become one and the one that they become takes on a completely different life. There are still pieces of the two that can be pinpointed, but the union is stuck like glue.

I suppose our union is a bit like glue and a bit like a pair of magnets. He and I were friends for a good while. We trusted each other, shared friendly chatter, shared dreams, shared beers in the living room of my apartment. It was almost as if it were meant to be, and our fusion ended up being so solid. Nothing could break us apart, right?

One ommitted detail. Not quite a lie, not quite the truth. One detail threw a wrench in our operation that we didn't even see until months down the line. It was like the rope that represented our union finally frayed and tore itself apart. I thought it would never have to be brought up. One disabled man and one able-bodied man joining forces? The able-bodied man having done this before and with all that life experience already? I was so sure that I wouldn't change him physically. I was so excited to never have to be open about that part of myself, but I was a fool. That part of myself is a big chunk. They say that you're more than your disability, but what if my entire existence has been spent hiding? Hiding in that small apartment because it hurt to go anywhere. Hiding because I would rather suffer alone than have to go out and potentially ask for help. Hiding because if I allow myself to be visible, I also open myself up to be abused and cast aside and treated like less of a human. So I hid under the easiest thing there was to hide under: introversion. No one bats an eye when an introvert would rather stay home. No one questions when an introvert says that they "don't feel like coming over, but you can anytime." No one asks why when an introvert says they "don't really want to be around people." So no one had to see what bad shape I was in. No one had to see a man in his early thirties break down in his bathroom because he couldn't stand up. No one had to see me when I sat on the sofa hungry, with food in the refrigerator, because the pain in my joints was worse than being hungry. He would come over and I would put on the bravest face that I could, and it worked. He never had to find out how badly it hurt when I walked to the door, to the kitchen, to the bathroom, to the living room. He never had to know that I would wait for his footsteps to dissipate before fully breaking down over the agonizing pain that I was hiding. I hid it so well, but that became all I could do. Sure, I had likes and dislikes and I had hobbies, but I lost my personality. At this point, I still don't really know who I am aside from a disabled writer. Maybe that has a hand in what happened to he and I.

It was no more than 3 hours ago. Significant other asleep by his side. He had been holding back sobs for 20 minutes, then. Sobs coming from multiple things, really. Pain being a very big one of them. He had doubts about the integration. Said that if he had known a disability came with it, he would have thought twice. He would have been able to ask questions and hear about my experiences just in case the pain transferred over. Maybe he would have changed his mind, yes, but he would've definitely had a chance to try his best to prepare. The guilt of hiding from him is enough to eat me alive but, hindsight is always 20/20 as they say, I can't beat myself up too bad about it I suppose.

Part of me is glad that all of the stress split us apart. Part of me wants to pretend that we were never friends, the selfish part. I want to hide away and pretend like none of this ever happened, but I can't. Even now, writing this, I feel like he may well still be here. I'm not tired, and I should be. Either he is still here like I'm speculating, or the insomnia is sticking with me. I'm more willing to go for him being here and quiet, it feels like there is a magnet strapped to my back and I am being slowly pulled backward. A different feeling than dissociation, but I wouldn't know another way to describe it. Perhaps we may come together once again? I both hope so and hope not. My feelings about everything and all of my thoughts feel like marbles rolling aimlessly on a hardwood floor. I'm as scatterbrained as ever.

I had a vision when I started this whole thing, you know. I was going to make it this subtle little piece about two friends whose bonds had been broken but mendable, or about how hiding big parts of yourself is never a good idea. Maybe it would've been popular among other mentally-ill readers or it would become something inspiring to gay youth out there. Instead, we're here. Me at my laptop at 2am with glazed-over eyes and tingling fingertips and you, wherever you might be right now. Maybe I'm asking one of you out there, or maybe I'm asking myself. Maybe I'm even asking him, hoping he might stumble upon this in his own leisure time later on. Will things go back to the way they were?

You were right, fellow seamster.

Integration was truly something great.

Being with her was like drinking the hottest cup of coffee.

I could’ve drowned in her eyes. She was piping hot.

Being with her tasted just the right amount of bittersweet.

I needed no cream, no sugar, she was perfect.

It took a hundred mornings for me to realize

She had burnt my tongue to the point that

I could no longer taste her the same way.

I poured her out then and never went back.

This girl shows me how to make a proper cup of coffee.

Her cup is sweet and creamy, light, frothy.

I wake up excited to see her in the mornings.

I don’t feel obligated to continue drinking, I just do.

In my dreams, she has cherry-red hair to match her lip stain.

She is calm, collected, and just the right amount of playful.

She walks with confidence and undertones of grace.

I could write about her, whoever she is, for the rest of my days.

She feels so real to me but she is just another character.

Another character in a story, a side-quest to the main game.

Will I spend the next 44 years of my life as a backseat driver?

I feel like an extra in this play called life.

I would gladly sit in the back seat of her car.

One might wonder if this character is a protagonist.

A good girl, a bad girl, or a neutral wanderer?

If I saw her in front of me, I think I might say:

“Baby, you can be whoever you want.

I’ve always thought of you since before we met.

You’re a flame and I’m the forest you overtook.”

It’d been what seemed to be 72 hours. What would’ve been three long days, two long nights, and one thing had circled Cassandra’s mind. Who did it and when did it happen? The skies in Tenarum were constant. Always day in some areas and always night in others. There were no clocks when she first entered this world and she couldn’t find one anywhere else for that matter. How was Leo keeping time to know when drop offs would be? She would have to ask him when she next saw him.

During these long hours she stayed by herself, still not knowing what to do or where to go. Her time was mostly, as planned, spent in the Cosmic Land. The stars became her sanctuary and the ground her preferred thinking spot. She honestly didn’t know what to do. Seeing people in their groups almost made her feel insecure, yet she chose to speak to no one unless spoken to. Almost as if on queue, Leo approached behind her.

“Doing okay? I’m making my rounds to all the newbies, just checking up.” She crossed her legs and put her hands behind her, feeling the softness of the grassy field against her fingertips.

“I guess. Depends on what you’d define as okay,” she commented, flatly. Leo walked beside her and knelt in the grass, his jeans swishing as he did so. There the two sat for a few moments in silence as Leo thought of what to add.

“Want to talk about it?” Leo asked, no longer looking at her. Both of their gaze was focused at the stars now.

“Not too sure I want to share. It’s about the reason I’m here. At first, when you mentioned it, I didn’t understand why it mattered if you disclosed why you’re here. Now that I actually know my own reason, it’s a different story. I don’t want to say and have people look at me with pity or something.” Cassandra turned to the left and the two locked eyes.

“I’ll give you a tip, blondie. Not that many people actually care. If it was a suicide, there’s no shame in it here. People are all focused on one thing; rebirth. Yes, you’ll make friends, but rebirth is still the ultimate goal for everyone here. Well, most people here. Even if they don’t want to be reborn though, your story isn’t a big deal at the end of the day.” Leo shrugged and let out a small chuckle as if what he said was some kind of joke.

“Is that supposed to help me? Knowing that nobody cares? It almost makes everything even worse.” Cassandra stood up, prepared to walk away, and remembered her burning question right before she was to walk away.

“By the way,” she started. “How do you tell time in this place?”

“Whoa, whoa, I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad. Some people find solace knowing that their death tale won’t make a huge impact. I’m sorry. To answer your question, though, only the ambassadors are able to really tell time, and it’s with one of these bad boys.” Leo pushed his left sleeve up, revealing a watch. It looked to be digital and its square face was just as big as the strap. This made Cassandra turn to face him again.

“Why aren;t we allowed to have one?” She asked, puzzled.

“Keeping time isn’t really important for you guys. The ambassadors only really get to see the day of the week anyway. This tells us the day of the week and the amount of time left until there’s a dropoff.” Leo adjusted his left sleeve back down and over the watch with a small shrug.

“I guess that makes sense, but a part of me feels like I’m going crazy not knowing. I don’t even really do anything besides sit here. How do you all keep from going stir-crazy?” Cassandra pushed her hair back out of her face with both hands and left them behind her head for a moment before the hair would immediately fall back over the right side of her face.

“Talk to people, make friends, make your own fun! The possibilities are endless. Once you get items from the drop off it’ll help things, too. The first week or two is always like this for newbies. You all are so used to having what you did in the living world that being in a strange, new place without all of it seems like the worst thing. If I were you, I’d try actually opening up to someone. You’re not the only newbie and definitely not the only one alone. Go find some others! That boy that opened the door for you is a good start, I’d say. I saw the two of you talking briefly.” Leo stood now and brushed the dirt off of his jeans with a smile and Cassandra couldn’t begin to understand why he was always so cheery. Especially knowing that everyone she would meet would be someone that died made her feel uneasy and made her stomach tie in knots. She supposed he had a point. Lots of the people she saw in groups went everywhere in that group. The people she saw alone, though, looked content even.

“Yeah, good idea. Thanks.” She quickly made her way back to the Courtyard, on the search for Abdul. Scanning through all of the people, she couldn’t see him. She decided to bite the bullet and start asking around. After all, if she was supposed to make friends, she had to start a conversation with people somewhere. She decided it would be with the first group she happened upon. There were five in total. Two of the girls and one of the guys had vibrantly colored hair. The other two, another girl and boy, had bright highlights.They saw Cassandra approaching and a few of them smiled and nodded to her, bringing the others attention to her as well.

“Hey, sorry to bother you all, did you happen to see a small indian kid around? He’s got black, rectangular glasses and was in a red T-shirt. He’s one of the newbies like me.” Cassandra tried her best to sound upbeat and cheerful to make a good first impression.

“We haven’t, but I love your hair! My name’s Sarah, what’s yours?” The girl with bright purple hair spoke and ushered toward the stripe of Cassandra’s hair that she had dyed blue. From the looks of things, it may seem like she was already part of that group. She thought it a bit weird for them to all be grouped based on hair, but didn’t question it or dare bring it up.

“Thanks, and my name’s Cassandra.” She tucked the blue stripe behind her ear as she spoke.

“I hope you find your friend then, Cassandra,” a boy with spiked, crimson hair replied. She looked at him and nodded with a smile before turning around only to pause and look at the group again.

“Actually, I was really only looking for him so that I could try to make a friend. You all seem nice though, mind if I pal around with you? I can always go look for him if not, I’m just feeling a little lonely I guess,” Cassandra could feel herself rambling and barely managed to stop before she’d made a mess of everything. All members of the group looked at each other before nodding. Thus, the group of five became six and Cassandra felt like she’d finally ‘made it.’

“We’re happy to have you. To introduce all of us, you met Sarah and now Jake, I’m Tiffany, this is Tasha, and that’s Kevin.” The teen introduced the rest of the group and Cassandra took a seat between Tasha and Kevin. The dark skinned girl spoke then.

“Yeah we’re all here because we’re the impulsive hair dye gang,” Tasha laughed and the other girls joined in.

“We also have depression.” Kevin added on. This got everyone laughing more, even Cassandra who let out a chuckle at the slightly-morbid joke. The longer she sat with the group, the more comfortable she became. They were all so different, yet brought together by such a strange and similar reason. Sarah had ivory skin that matched her own, but was a natural-brunette as her eyebrows indicated. Jake was a tan boy, but his natural, dark brown hair was beginning to peek through his red spikes. Tiffany had golden skin that looked like what the sunlight would on a sandy beach. Her hair was long, wavy, and brown with red highlights. They suited her, Cassandra thought.

“Lighten up, Kev, damn. You’re going to scare her!” Tasha spoke with a strong voice. She was the darkest out of all of them with her rich, umber skin and purple highlights peeking through her black curls.

“I’m just speaking the truth, T. She laughed, it’s fine.” Kevin and Tiffany looked like they could be siblings, though instead of his natural brown hair, he had navy blue hair. Tiffany and Kevin both had matching dark brown eyes in addition to their other striking features being similar.

“Not to break up whatever we’ve got going on, and not to intrude, are you two related? You just look like you could be twins.” The group became quiet at Cassandra’s words and she began to feel self conscious for the first time since she showed up to Tenarum. She crossed her arms over her chest and watched as Kevin and Tiffany both stood and walked in seperate directions.

“I’m sorry, I- I didn’t think before I spoke and I remember Leo telling me not to bring up death, but I didn’t know not to bring up anything involving the living world.” Cassandra put her head in her hands, and Tasha rubbed her back then.

“Don’t worry, honey, you didn’t know. To answer your question though, yes, they’re siblings. We don’t really bring it up though because of personal stuff.” She rubbed her back for a moment more until Cassandra looked back up to find the other three looking straight at her.

“Now I know, I guess. I just feel like I ruined everything and I literally just got here,” Cassandra said, worry strong in her voice. She tried to put a smile on as she saw Tasha with a worry-filled grin.The group sat there in silence, looking to the ground for a few minutes before Kevin returned to the group.

“I’m so sorry, Kevin. I didn’t know not to tal-” Cassandra stopped speaking as Kevin waved his hand at her and spoke.

“No need to apologize, we’re fine. Tiff just took some time to herself and went to the forest. She’ll be okay. She likes it there.” Kevin quickly took a seat on the other side of Cassandra and she felt the group slowly come back to life, so to speak.

“So, Cass, when Tiff comes back it’s initiation time,” Sarah rubbed her hands together and Cassandra jumped partially at being referred to as Cass for the first time and partially also at there being a supposed “initiation.”

“Can I ask what the initiation is?” Cassandra gulped loudly. Her mind spun at the possibilities of what an initiation could be, especially knowing that everyone is dead.

“Nope! Not until Tiff gets back!” Sarah exclaimed. Cassandra shook her head, trying to make it seem like she was not plagued with curiosity.

“Well then if it’s all the same to you, I’m going to go try to find the guy I was originally looking for.” Cassandra stood up shakily as the feeling returned to her legs. She found her balance after a moment and Jake finally piped up.

“You tired of us already?” He asked. Cassandra chuckled, shaking her head.

“No, I just want to try to find him like I was originally going to. I can have more potential friends than just all of you, can’t I?” She replied.

“I suppose we should share,” Jake replied. Cassandra let out another chuckle before leaving the group anyway.

She figured she wouldn’t be able to find Abdul in the eternal forest, as there were so many twists and turns. Too easy to get lost, she thought. Instead, she turned her attention to the Azure Sanctum. It reminded her of the cosmic land but with a clear, bright, blue sky instead of a starry one. There were also fountains and trees there, unlike the cosmic land which was all grassy and flat. Looking out, she shockingly was able to find Abdul. At least she’d hoped that the short, skinny boy with the red tee was Abdul. As she approached him, he turned in his seat on one of the benches and she could see the frames of his glasses aside his head. She hurried her pace a bit and took a seat on a different bench nearby.

“Hey,” he said, not looking in her direction.

“Hey, how are you?” She asked.

“I’m here. Did you ever find out what you wanted to find out at the service building?” He turned to her and offered a half-smile.

“Yeah, I’d rather not talk about it, though if it’s alright with you,” she replied, shrugging. She didn’t meet his gaze and instead stared at the ground with a firm frown.

“You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to, I was just curious,” he stated as he looked down to where she was also, almost as if trying to find what she could be looking at. “Things going okay for you in general?”

“I guess so. I was just walking through the courtyard when I basically got myself into a possible friend group and then almost got myself kicked out at the same time. Apparently we’re friends though. They say they’re putting me through an ‘initiation’ of some sort. No idea what that means.” Cassandra looked up and shrugged with a sideways grin.

“Exciting. I haven’t managed to make any friends. Probably just because I don’t reach out. I’m glad you found some people, though.” Abdul smiled but Cassandra could still see the sadness in his eyes.

“Well hey, I’ll be friends with you. No initiation required,” she let out a laugh trying to lighten the mood and Abdul seemed to be feeling better as he even let out a giggle.

“Well I’m glad for that. When is your ‘initiation’ anyway?” Abdul questioned and used his fingers to make air quotes as he spoke.

“Sometime soon, we were supposed to be waiting for one of the girls to come back from the forest, but then I sort of left them to come find you. You seemed nice and I wanted to get to know you more, I guess. We’re two newbies, so I figured we’d have plenty to discuss while we get acclimated.” Cassandra swung her feet around to sit sideways on the wooden bench. She contemplated getting up to rejoin the group in hopes that Tiffany would be back though it hadn’t been long.

“Well don’t let me keep you from your initiation, by all means. I’ve just been here thinking about everything that happened before I got here, in the living world I mean. I’m fine with just chilling here while you go. Besides, I don’t think I’d fit in to a group. Not yet at least.” He looked at the fountain in front of them then, almost as if waiting for Cassandra to leave.

“I’ll come back after and tell you all about it,” she chuckled before getting up.

“I look forward to it,” he replied.

Cassandra got up and slowly made her way back to the courtyard. She wasn’t expecting to see Tiffany returning but, sure enough, she was also making her way back to the courtyard. Cassandra jogged over to her before she could reach the group.

“Hey I just wanted to apologize for making you feel uncomfortable. I didn’t know not to bring that kind of stuff up,” she said through huffs and puffs.

“No sweat. I know you didn’t mean to, that’s why I just kind of had to walk away and get some air. We are related though, you’ve got a good eye about you. We didn’t grow up together or anything though. We didn’t even know of each others existence until the people at the service building told us. We don’t really see each other as siblings though, it’s a little weird since we never knew each other. I don’t really want to give you my life story, but that’s the gist of that part.” Tiffany ran her fingers through her hair as the two approached the rest of the group who had moved to a different part of the courtyard.

“Welcome back you two, Kevin and I are trying to see who’s stronger. Want to arm wrestle?” Jake flexed his arm where he’d rolled the sleeve all the way up.

“Jake--” Tiffany began before cutting herself off to reword her thought. “Nobody wants to arm wrestle with you just so you can get an ego.”

“Excuse me, but they all have and we’re in the finals. We both arm wrestle the two of you and whoever wins faces off. Lets face it though, it’ll be Jake and I,” Kevin smiled slyly toward Jake, who playfully glared back at him.

“Does this happen often?” Cassandra stood with her hands on her hips, laughing.

“With these two? It’s always something new,” Tasha replied, shaking her head.

“Boys, boys, we can do this later. We have business to take care of first,” Tiffany took a seat on the ground and patted beside her for Cassandra to sit.

“Business?” The other four said in almost unison. Cassandra was a bit taken aback hearing all of them actually speak at the same time.

“Yes, business. How could you all forget about initiation?” Tiffany tapped her fingers against the side of her face and all of the others looked at each other and then to Cassandra.

“Is anyone going to tell me what initiation is yet?” Cassandra asked, getting fed up at all of them beating around the bush. Tiffany playfully rolled her eyes before, finally, giving Cassandra the answer that she’d been stewing over.

“Initiation is when you tell the rest of the group why you’re here.”

We were one and the same.

Two seeds barely sprouting,

No sign of what was to come.

When a farmer came, he cut you loose.

You still stayed, though.

We grew apart but still somehow together.

Branches one atop the other reconnected us,

But the axeman came armed.

He chopped you down and left me.

Now, I'm unsure of how to grow.

I still reach for you,

But the grass overtook what was left.

Are you still out there somewhere?

Have you been burned?

Maybe someday the axeman will return.

I will wait for you until I die,

Even if the day comes in 100 years.

My branches still crave your touch.

When they say it gets better, believe them.

There will come a day that you make friends who will be there.

You will wake up, eat breakfast, shower, and sit in the sun.

Life is worth so much more than a bottle of liquor.

Remember when you started at 12?

Remember drunken work days?

Remember the feeling of security?

It will get lost and you will recover.

If there were a way I could go back;

be the you that's reading this.

I would've stopped.

I can no longer enjoy the same smells.

When they say it gets better, it really does.

Don't be so negative.

Put the bottles in the garbage.

You won't have the same friends until you do.

Most importantly?

You are loved.

Friends will leave because they love you.

Don't disappoint them.

You have all the power you need to feel alive.

It gets better.

Look at her hands

when she's holding a pen.

Her hands have strung together constellations,

they have held stars and pinpointed their location.

Look at her eyes

during the split second looks she gives.

Her eyes have cried the rivers and seas.

Every twist, every turn, her journey to you.

Look at her lips

when she's sipping coffee.

Those same lips have kissed the ground,

creating mountains and valleys for you to follow.

Look at her.

Look at her before it's too late.

Look at her and really see.

See the world that she's brought you.

Cliques are everywhere, inescapable. Even in death, even in other worlds, they exist and are clearly cut. Cassandra stepped out of the stuffy shuttle after everyone else had gotten off. She’d showed up to the hub of this world and now to her exit the same way; dragging her feet, letting out breathy sighs, and rolling her eyes at anyone who dared speak to her. Once she had a clear look at the gate, she threw her head back. Through the slats, she could see everyone in their own groups. There were the clear-cut cliques with their hair almost all matching and their shirts equally as edgy as each other, and there were cliques that weren’t so clear-cut. Girls and boys mixed together, each looking drastically different. Before Cassandra’s shuttle group there stood a tall, slender woman. Her chrome skin gave her an android-type appearance.

“Before we send you through this gate, allow me to check that everyone is here. When I call your number, please make yourselves known,” she called out. Cassandra took the time before they’d walk through the gate to analyze her shuttle-mates. Everybody else seemed to either be looking to the ground or doing just the same thing that she was. Looking at one another like they were contestants in some sick race. Some could cut glass with their malicious-looking glares, some looked to Cassandra like they were going to break down in sobs at any minute. As for herself? She wasn’t so sure what she was feeling if she was feeling anything. Everything happened so fast that all she was left with was this unwavering numbness. Even still as the seemingly glowing woman spoke, she couldn’t feel a thing.

“301B? Are we missing 301B?” The woman brushed her shoulder-length hair behind one ear and Cassandra quickly glanced down at her slip of paper and back up, realizing she hadn’t been listening at all.

“Right here,” she muttered, slipping one hand above her head. The woman gave her a look before writing something down on her clipboard and continuing to call numbers like the group was being auctioned off. Out of the corner of her eye, Cassandra could feel someone staring at her. All she could make out was brown skin and short, black hair. She thought it best not to meet anyone’s gaze, at least not for the time being. Laying low was like art for Cassandra, and she did it well. She could sneak her way undetected almost anywhere, often leaving people surprised to see her behind them. She decided to do the same here. Lay low, keep quiet and wait for this all to be over.

“I will now open the gates. You will split off into groups based on the letter at the end of your number. Group A will be here and group B will gather over there,” Cassandra followed the woman’s finger toward group B’s destination and trudged her way over. She wondered if any of her questions would ever get answered. She had asked questions when she first arrived and got no answers and was getting more sick of it the longer she dealt without. Everyone looked around at their groups now, wondering what would become of them.

“When this gate opens, you are to enter in your groups. Group A first and then group B. Your group’s ambassador will greet you, check you in, and give you a short tour of this land. Any questions you have can be discussed with your ambassador. I bid you all farewell and I hope that you enjoy your stay.” With that, the mysterious woman opened the gate, ushering the groups in silently.

“Hello, newbies! My name’s Leo and I’m the ambassador for group B. Welcome to Tenarum!” The boy that spoke looked to be not much older than Cassandra. He was lanky, though, and had a light, patchy beard. Even still as this new person was speaking, Cassandra could feel eyes on her. She crossed her arms and tried desperately to pay attention to Leo.

“First off, I know everyone has questions. Everyone always does. Actually, if you don’t have questions, I might be a little scared. Before we get to all that fun stuff though, let’s get everyone checked in. Follow me!” Leo called, marching ahead of them toward a dome-shaped building. Cassandra could see group A going to a different entrance of the same building, and her questions were almost accumulating too fast for her to remember them all. Why the split groups? Why the different entrances? What the hell is Tenarum supposed to be? What does all of this mean? Above all though, she wondered how her parents were doing and how her friends were getting on without her. She wondered if she might see them again someday. Everything was buzzing around so fast and yet Cassandra kept her stone-expression and followed the herd into the building.

“So, we don’t need to sleep here but, if you’d like to, you can request a bed here. Other than that, please use the sheets I’m passing out to mark some of your interests. We receive shipments biweekly, and if you don’t put down anything now, nothing will be brought for you on the next shipment set for a week from tomorrow. I’d make sure to put something down if I were you,” Leo chuckled, but his smile didn’t leave as he passed out clipboards with a single sheet on each one. Cassandra looked at the paper and then back up to Leo, who simply ushered her to start writing something. How could she be expected to remember every single thing she liked? She could barely remember the color of her parents’ home and now she was asked to think of everything she liked in her eighteen years alive? She managed to list some old MTV show she loved binge-watching, a band she liked, and that she loved anything with roses on it. She included too that she’d always wanted to play the guitar if that was a possible item that could be shipped.

“Everybody done?” Leo asked, holding his empty arms out for clipboard-pickup. The group all nodded and, one by one, stepped toward Leo to drop their clipboard in his open arms. Once receiving all of them, he carefully unclipped all the papers and dropped them into a slot on the side of the large counter they stood in front of.

“So, I’ll start off with the question that’s probably plaguing each and every one of you. This isn’t my first time doing this and I’d like to say I’ve picked up on the popular questions. Well, this is Tenarum. Specifically, this building is our service building. What is Tenarum, I feel some of you wanting to ask? Tenarum is the after-world. Each and every person you meet here has died. I know that can be a lot to take in, but I’ll tell you the most important rule before we get to the tour. Do not start going up to strangers asking how they died. It’s very personal so, if someone tells you, do not repeat it. To anyone.” Leo’s smile finally faded out, just for a second, and there was enough tension in the room to cut with a knife. Cassandra could use context clues to tell that she was dead, of course, but it still somehow surprised her to hear knowing that everyone else was too.

“Alright, so, tour time and then after that I promise to get to all of your questions.” Leo’s smile was back, and if Cassandra wasn’t trying so hard to keep a straight face and not feel her emotions, she would be too. Leo was the type of person that had a contagious smile. For someone who’s dead, Cassandra thought, he sure did have a spirit full of life. He held the door open and everyone made their way back out. Group A was also herding out of the service building, though the two groups started touring at different spots.

“This is the courtyard. Through the arches on all four sides of the service building are different areas that you’re free to roam around and explore. For the tour, we will be stepping foot into each space just a bit. We like for the newbies to decide where they want and don’t want to explore. In the courtyard, you’ll find benches and flower fields. We do a lot of lounging in this area and this is also where to come when new shipments arrive. Again, the next one will be a week from tomorrow. Don’t fret, though. We always announce when things are ready to be picked up, so you’ll never miss out. Just make sure to go back into the service building if you want to add something to your wish list. That’s pretty much this area,” Leo took a deep breath and Cassandra wondered if he’d even been breathing the whole time. Words were coming out a mile a minute and it was hard to concentrate on him and her own thoughts.

“Next we’ll go straight ahead into the eternal forest. This area is perfect for those who love nature, want to get away for a while, or just like hanging out in forests if that’s your deal. Not sure. We won’t go too far in here, but there’s trails that go on for miles. You could be in there for days at a time if you walk far enough. They go on forever and there are plenty of different paths to take. I don’t like being alone with my own thoughts though, so I don’t tend to go there myself. Again, you’re free to do what you want,” Leo’s smile faded, Cassandra had begun watching for the moments that it happened. Leo seemed very much like her in that regard. She could tell he had walls up around his true self; tall and thick walls that she could only barely see come down when he let himself stop smiling. They just as quickly came back up when he beamed and ushered for the group to go back to the courtyard.

Through the entire time they’d spend in the courtyard since the gate shut behind them, Cassandra couldn’t help but notice everyone that was sitting nearby kept watch over all of them like hawks. She could’ve sworn more than one person had looked her up and down more than once. She wondered if they were a potential threat or just curious. Cassandra didn’t have the energy to care too much though as the group kept going from one side to the other. Leo showed them the entrance and exit where they had originally come in and how the only way they’re allowed through those doors is if the Divine called for someone. They could call for a conference or for reassignment, whatever that meant. Leo also took them to the Cosmic Land and the Azure Sanctum where it was always night and day, respectively. The Azure Sanctum, he said, was mainly for self-reflection. That was also the place that held a building used for seeing the living world. Leo refused to take the group to the building. Claimed that some of them ‘might not be ready.’ The Cosmic Land was a place Cassandra immediately found comfort in. It was always dark, the time of day she loved the most, and the sky was so clear that you could see every star and even some planets that were close. Being in there, even just a few yards that they ventured as a group, felt like a home away from home.

“So, now that the tour is pretty much all done, you’re all free to ask questions or not. Feel free to explore or try to make some friends! We could be here for a while,” Leo muttered, and a few members of the group looked around and trod carefully in different directions. Cassandra stood still, contemplating asking a question or running away to the Cosmic Land to gather her thoughts.

“What’s the matter, blondie? It hitting you now?” Leo came up to Cassandra after she’d stood there silent for over five minutes, nudging her lightly with an elbow. She flashed a half-smile his way, knowing that he meant well.

“It’s not just hitting me now, it’s just a lot to take in and I know I have so many questions. It’s just-” She cut herself off, rolling her eyes and shrugging. “I guess I’m just trying to collect my thoughts enough to ask questions. Or let myself feel enough to actually realize that I’m dead.” Cassandra looked around, not wanting to meet Leo’s gaze. “Is there a way to, like, find out? How you died, I mean.”

“You don’t remember? Death is usually something that people remember pretty well by the time they get here,” Leo chuckled before continuing. “You can ask one of the people behind the counter at the service building and they’ll connect you with the Divine. They’re the only ones who keep those records.” Leo walked away then, set off to answer everyone else’s questions. Meanwhile, Cassandra turned and made her way slowly toward the door of the service building. Just as she got there, that familiar-looking boy opened the door for her.

“Oh-- Thank you!” She quickly exclaimed upon noticing he was even near her.

“No sweat. Real quick, do I know you from somewhere?” He asked, raising one eyebrow.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you before. Your name is…?” She now held the door open with him, both stood there with one hand on the door, now.

“Abdul,” he said with a chuckle. “You?”

“Cassandra. I don’t think I know an Abdul, though, unfortunately. I think I saw you looking at me when we were coming in.” She was finally getting some of her bravery back. Even just a few moments ago, she thought she’d lost her edge with all of the information coming at her all at once.

“I think we used to live in the same neighborhood or something. I used to see you riding your bike around if that was you. Even if it was though, it’s been years. We were both probably thirteen the last time I saw you.” Abdul smiled now, but Cassandra held tight onto her straight face.

“Oh, yeah, I used to ride my bike all the time after school. God, I forgot about that. It’s been so long. I don’t remember ever really talking to or seeing you, though. Quiet as a kid?” She asked.

“At school, no. Home though, yeah. I didn’t really expect you to know me, I could spot your golden hair anywhere though. You’ve still got those natural dark highlights. I never saw anyone else like that.” Abdul smiled softly as someone else approached the doors to go into the service building.

“You study my hair or something? I don’t think it’s that special. I’ll see you around though, I have something I need to do here. Nice meeting you officially!” She called, letting the door slowly start to close.

“You too!” Abdul replied loudly after the door had just closed.

When she walked in, there was a line of three people and two different areas of the long counter open. The short line was taken care of rather quickly and, soon enough, it was her turn to be taken care of.

“Hi, I’m new and was just told that I had to come see someone here that could connect me with the Divine or something like that?” Cassandra ran her fingers through her long hair, nervously.

“Absolutely, sweetheart. What’s your identifier?” The woman beamed at her from the other side of the counter, pushing up her glasses as she talked. Cassandra just stood there, puzzled.

“My… identifier? Oh, is that the number and letter I was given on this slip of paper?” She dug into her pockets and retrieved the slightly-crumbled strip. The woman then nodded with that same smile. The longer she held it, the more fake it looked.

“301B,” she managed to read from the paper before shoving it back into the pocket of her shorts. The woman behind the counter began typing, and after a minute picked up a black, corded telephone. She handed the phone to Cassandra as she finished pressing what seemed like 12 buttons. Cassandra held the phone to her ear as the dial-tone rang and someone picked up after the second ring.

“Hello, you’ve reached X’s office.” A man answered the phone and his deep voice startled Cassandra a bit.

“Um yes, I’m new and am having a bit of memory trouble. I was told you could look me up or something and tell me how I died. I’m sure you don’t get calls like this often and I’m sorry,” Cassandra tried her best to put on a happy voice, though she was twirling the phone cord in her fingers whilst biting her top lip.

“You’re right, we don’t get calls like this very often. It’s no problem though, what’s your identifier? No need to tell me where you’re calling from, I have that information here.” This man’s voice didn’t sound nearly as perky as everyone else she’d talked to that day. It was sort of refreshing, not feeling pressured to also smile and act cheerful.

“301B. Whatever that’s supposed to mean,” Cassandra replied. The questions were finally coming to her slowly. Why is everyone a number here? Why A or B? Why does no one explain anything knowing there are new people? Why does everyone else seem like they know what’s going on already?

“It just makes it easier to look people up. There’s more than one dead Cassandra, so we number all of you just to make it easier.” The man replied. Cassandra could hear the clacking of a keyboard as he talked. She nodded to herself as she waited.

“Cassandra Frost? Says here you were murdered.”

Don't start a war when I'm gone.

Don't shove newspapers down the throats of those

who didn't care if I was standing in front of

or lying beneath them.

Don't cry.

Don't shiver at those with the same name.

Don't try to solve a mystery like you're reading a novel

and I was nothing but a character.

Live on.

Keep going.

Don't look back.

Move forward.

I beg of you,

celebrate the times we had

when we felt like we could take on the world.

We were two kids who didn't even know death's name.

Don't start a war when I'm gone.

Get in your car and drive.

Go places you always wanted to.

I'll still be in the passenger seat.

Morning, night, forever.

I will smile when you smile.

I will see you do such great things.

When we said forever, I meant it.

It is said that sirens lure to kill,

but I have never felt more alive.

Lorelei's singing draws the masses in,

but their spirit keeps them alive to stay.

I have never met a mermaid before,

let alone one that wields two tails

and such a unique, angelic tone.

I am the best version of myself with them.

Words cannot express what they mean to me.

Lorelei is a forever friend.

They hold such pain but bring such beauty.

Their existence is inspiring.

Living a life without Lorelei

is living without joy.

Here, now, I can feel them.

Even from far away, I can hear their song.

I hear them with every seashell I collect.

I feel them with every ray of sun I soak up.

Oh, what pity I have for those who think

mermaids don't exist.

I get to see one daily.