I was running and skipping through the streets as the fall breeze set in and school had begun. Opening the door and being greeted by a tall disgusting looking man my mother called Uncle.  "Baby, this is Uncle and he will be staying with us for a while." I didn't know what to say, I felt uneasy, my stomach turned and for some reason I couldn't bare to look at the man who was so called Uncle. "Nice to meet you, what should I call you?" He couldn't even hold in his spit in as he talked.  Whispering I said, "B.". "Well the pleasure is all mine B, we're going to get along real nice." I walked out. Didn't look back, just went to my bedroom where my younger brother and sister play on the floor. Shutting the door I prayed as hard as I could to never cross paths with Uncle not knowing what lied ahead.  I was only 10 years old.  

The day was filled with laughter and smiles, it was my 11th birthday.  My mother and Uncle had thrown me a gathering at the park with my friends and bought a cake.  Playing all day and opening gifts towards the evening I really thought that life was perfect.  I had a loving mother and Uncle to care for us like a father.  Packing up to go home, exhaustion  came over all of us and the feelings of happiness began to fade.  Uncle became restless and yelled at mama all the way home.  Leaving the gifts inside the car, us kids went straight to our rooms, my gift from them was my own room.  They said earlier that I am finally big enough to get some privacy, and I couldn't agree more. Listening to the fight outside between Uncle and mama was terrible, I tried to read myself to sleep but couldn't.  I hear things break and crying from mama, I didn't dare go outside to see.  Silence came over the house shortly after a big crash and I thought it was finally done. Uncle shortly came in to check on me, at least that's what I thought. "Why were you fighting? Is mama okay?" I asked worried, wondering why mama hadn't come instead. "Shut up you worthless filth!" Uncle began to force himself on me and I began fighting, trying to push with all my might, but it's never enough. "You will learn to obey me!" As he's pinning me against the bed I have nothing left to fight with or for.  I am lost.  No one hears my screams or cries, no one cares to get in the way of Uncle's rage.  As I lay lifeless and numb to my Uncle raping me, there are no thoughts, no dreaming of something better, only the bare ceiling closing in above me and the pounding feeling between my legs and into my body... Again and again and again.

Walking, thinking through all the different people I should tell added up to non. "B! B!" Startled out of my thoughts I fell back, scared of the touch from my best friend. "Been calling you, didn't mean to scare you. You good?" I wanted to tell her everything, scream, cry, show her the bruises, but "Yeah, sorry I'm good" was all I could mutter.

Everyone at school knows me as B, the girl that knows everything, is good at everything.  It's ironic isn't it.  How I get bullied for being to smart, they all think I have a wonderful life.  Everything comes easy... If only they knew... Knew that their words just add on to the millions of words that tear at me, break me day in and day out.  I was only 11 years. old. 

Day by day life carried through and I survived.  I have been buying the birth control shots every three months to make sure Uncle doesn't get me pregnant.  I haven't built enough strength to fight him off, or tell anyone about it, but some day I will. For now, I protect my younger siblings from him and the realities of our life. They do not need to be tainted like I have been.  After school I sell the drugs I steal from him and my mom to other students, and my links to the block.  It pays well enough for me to put food on the table and clothing for school.  It's only for a short while, I am saving most to move out and go to college.  I was only 15 years old.  

"Run!" All I could think was to get my siblings to safety.  "Go, I'll meet you at our safe spot." My siblings, scared and worried, looking to me as their protector.  " You remember it?" They're nodding. "Good, run! Go!" They didn't look back, they ran just as I told them to.  I should have ran with them.  Calling 911 as soon as I got them out, all I could get out was, " HELP PLEASE! You have to come help, he..."

Shots fired and I could do nothing as if I froze, the operator tried to keep me talking but I cannot make out what she is saying.  He heard me, "Who's on the phone B?" Hissing, Uncle shot his glazed over eyes my way.  The spit through his rotting teeth as he spoke paralyzing me as he walked into the room from my mothers.  The phone fell to the floor, I started to back away to escape, but I had to make sure mama was still alive.  I couldn't hear anything, no groans, murmurs, clanking, nothing.  I couldn't get to the room, he had a gun... I couldn't get out, he was going to shoot me... He's gripping me and tightening around my waist, slamming the door shut.  Throwing me onto the couch I felt hopeless.  Uncle's breath stains my face, "You are mine, you hear. No one is going to take you, you will stay until I tell you otherwise." Tears are falling, my pants are being ripped off, my shirt is tied around my hands as if to hand cuff me, and the gun still against my skin paralyzing me.  He had control.  He took his time, playing with his fingers inside me, the chill of the gun running up and down my stomach giving my body an unwanted sensation.  Licking every inch he could as if to lay claim.  No one can stop him.  Taking off his clothes, and situating my body how he wanted to have me, he wanted it to be perfect.  In and out, deeper and faster, the gun still in his hand, tears stained my face, swelling my eyes and the numbness took over. 

"Police, open up! This is the police, open up..." Jolting back to reality I open my eyes. Uncle could only mutter, "Fuck, you fuckin' worthless filth..." trying to finish quickly.  In the distraction, the numbness fell and I knew I could finally fight.  I kicked him off, and ran for the door, opening it.  Shots firing, Uncle had tried to shoot me but missed and police had shot him down.  I was saved.  Naked and vulnerable, I knew this was the turning point for my life. I was only 17 years old. 

I carry the scars with me and the memories that weigh on my shoulders, but I know that I did what I had to do. I had to save my siblings.  My mother didn't make it and Uncle was locked away for life.  With the money I saved I was able to finish school and go to college on a scholarship to study criminal justice.  I was able to bring my siblings with me as their legal guardian.  I survived and fought through the obstacles.  Now I'm making sure everyone has a chance to fight for what is right.  I am 22 years old now.  

Love has damaged me and I don't know if I will be able to experience the simple pleasures of love again. My laugh that carried 10 different meanings in your eyes means only one to the next. Or how unknowingly you would brush your hand across my back to make sure I was there.  And how the look between us meant the world all wrapped up together making perfect harmony between the silence, and yet now it carries the sorrow and doubt between gazes of the new.  The damage is done and the simple pleasures are beyond my reach.