An autodidact in self-harm,

she gets hopes up, smitten, blushing.

Though not for her, she'll crave his charm.

His deflection-- cold, crushing.

She hates herself, her unchecked smarm.

Alarms and flags-- they mean nothing.

She'll run straight to, all good sense fled,

when they're her preferred color… red.

How long does it take a drop of rain to find the sea?

How long does it take to discover

true love?

How many seasons must come and go

before the soul finds his mate?

One thousand?

Two thousand?

Three thousand years?

How long does one wait?

The Soul is blind to skin color

Blind to Ethnicity and blind to creed.

If it takes more than a lifetime,

another Three thousand lifetimes,

it will always be worth it.

Three Thousand Years of Longing…

Beloved,

I cannot tell you how difficult this decision is-- to be so far from you who are so close. Know that you are with me in heart and thought. I need time, a time to be with my ghosts, to make things right with the inner demons so that I can understand and fathom those who mean the most, and who comprise our Reality, inside out. And be assured I will write. I will write about it first account, and second. You'll know the immediate impression and the reflection. I'll make my recitations before the sun-sets and in the steam of 365 cups of Oolong (tea).

I will have my phone with me, and my tablet of course, and an iron will so clad that I will only use these for our output. It will help me feel... connected to you. I won't call, or internet, or surf our web. You encouraged me to this odd Disconnect, and this is the compromise I will make. We had an agree-ment, before the falling out of step that has me hiking up the mountain to stand upon the shoulders of greater men than myself-- so Confucian. No, my Love does not falter, I am only searching for the sanctum inside myself in which to shelter the most ephemeral parts of a Life to which you are parted.

And when the lonely moments come, and they will, let's not forget that it was you who stepped away, who "made way," for me. How can I thank you? Like one, temporarily jailed, I will call out to you from beside my cell and talk to you as if it were a matter of dialing in... like Medicine men of old, I know you would want to check on me internally. I am ok, I suppose. I will be O.K. now that I have made my decision; I am leaving for the remedy you suggested, a journey of soul salvation while the rest of the world is sleeping.

If you could, I know you would, hack into my soul and listen to all there was to hear -- hidden frequencies therein. One day, we will return. Disparate, on the same page, reading the tally marks of thoughts and the feelings between the lines that didn't cross. We'll be Holy. Changed. Worlds away. Because that is what the collective soul wanted. To travel: within.

Signed in kind with Blood,

M.

ps. Thank you for the Carrier Pigeons!

From afar

Too far away

I hate to think

Of the distance between

Parts of me

Have lost their way

From the cost

Of losing you

There’s so much left

But there’s so much gone

I fear every feeling

I fear living this way

Looking for you everywhere

Chasing after your memory

Dissipating within my regrets

Disappearing within my pain

I don’t know how to live this way

but I believe we could rename it for the better.

A flashmob. A disco. Phrasing only we fully know.

Light, I swear it’s the last time I’ll say this

& then I’ll let you grow alone, I’ll go, but

you made me want to voice an O every morning,

to crush on everything: your nose, dead bees,

any living creature that would listen to me sing.

I don’t even sing! But with you I loved boundlessly.

O, the gorgeous swell of your breath; O, the pink

feeling I felt when we first met; O, how I’ll never forget

any petals of delight even in my ache. O, O, O,

the multitudes, the swarm & shimmer, how I would yell

at clouds for you: damn their fluff! Fuck their gloom!

I would O at any matter for you. I would go vicious

& attack every bird that shits in your path. Pummel feathers

into bedsheets for you, I swear, I swear. I have to

ask: were we not each other’s grass?

I thought we stemmed from the same seed. I miss

plucking your hair in my dreams, speaking

of roaches but meaning we shared a love

that was abiding, one I couldn’t fathom but tried

to dive in. I want you to know I’m still

swimming. I’m still alive in it.

Once upon a time

You were right here by my side

We chain smoked our cigarettes

On this very bench

Rocking back and forth

To the rhythm of our passion

Sometimes fast

Sometimes slow

So many days I waited for you here

To come down and join me

To come down and acknowledge me

Some days you joined

Put your hand tightly in mine

Other days you were too far away

Avoiding the nearness of me

But this was the place

Where our bodies first collided

Up the stairs to the left

Where we once slept each night

Side by side interlaced

Those nights I felt the safest

When we laughed under the sheets

When we were as close as can be

When things were so right

I’ve sat here with you so many times

In silence and in small talk

In arguments and in heavy laughter

We walked up and down these streets

And always returned to this very place

You’d work on your motorcycle in the driveway

While I made my hands sore scribbling in journals

Nonsense about how much I loved you

About how even when I had you, I somehow always needed more of you.

It’s nice to be in this place

That once was filled with you and me

Even though you’re further away then I could ever reach you

Even though you’ve been gone for some time

I still sit here sometimes and I smile

Because I think of what used to be

Because I think of the times with you and me

Sitting in this very spot

Together

Forever.

I have loved so loudly. Like a scream that shattered through windows of glass. Like the loudest noise that could never be heard. Like the call that got buried beneath the landscapes around it. Like the plea that got lost through the wind that blew through it. I have loved so loudly. Loved till it left me blue and beaten down. Loved till it left me further from myself then I ever knew before. Loved till it took everything apart and scattered itself, never to be found again. I have loved so loudly. While begging and pleading not to leave me in that place. While nothing could hurt anymore then it already had hurt. While the only way out was through death in itself. I have loved so loudly. In ways no one will ever know. In ways no one will ever truly understand. In ways that are only mine, to keep, to carry. Yes, I have loved so very loudly. Through wild nights and restless days. Through lands and lakes and rivers and canyons. Through life and death and all the places in between. And all I can say is thank you. Thank you, because there is more love left to give. Thank you, because I am still whole. I am still held together by the hope, by the faith, by the mercy. I am still standing, and I am still capable of love. Of loving so loudly. The kind of love that could never die. That could never freeze. That could never stop. To no end. To no beginning. I have loved so loudly.

it’s raining,

it is

said, God is “crying”

i shall cry too.

its a sad, sad

world

Athena