I close my eyes with a smile on my face

Looking back to those better days

Where I lost myself and you found me

Always placing me higher than I thought I could be

To those days that were the best in my life

Hugging me tight when I was ready to die

Blaming myself for everything wrong

Accepting everything and moving on

To a life where hatred and sadness are gone

Welcoming me home with the tightest embrace

Using your delicate hands to cup my face

Trusting and loving me with my shattered past

Helping me see everything right at last

Holding and staring and laughing and sharing and talking and trusting and loving and so much

Joy

I know you’re at home waiting for me.

Please keep waiting. I just need to keep

Breathing.

In and out and in and out and I’m bleeding out and that man’s getting away and the police isn’t here where the hell are they and he’s stolen it away my happiness and our life and it’s getting harder to breathe and praying to God I need to go home and I need to see you please keep waiting for me...

I close my eyes with a smile on my face

Looking back to those better days

To the sky and its blinding rays

I’m afraid, my love, my best friend, there’s no other way.

I’m sorry I won’t come home today.

Her voice was airy, and she was blinking more than usual, which forced my blood’s temperature up. I refused to look at her while she described what happened on her date, listening intently while reprimanding myself for getting angry at her and trying to keep my temper at bay.

She asked me if I thought he liked her. I said yes. And as she stepped closer so I’d look at her pleading eyes, I sighed deeply to avoid escalation. Of course he liked you, I told her. You’re pretty, skinny, smart, funny, real, you can cook, clean, hold a conversation, and on top of all that, he’s interested. There are guys that close themselves off, if not to specific people, to everyone, but this is not that kind of guy. Show him you’re interested too, and you guys will be together, easy.

The analysis is always the easy part for me. I’ll tell you all the logic, but please don’t make me feel anything. Her expression finally faded as she considered this information with more rationality, and I could see I didn’t give her what she wanted to hear. I’m not sure what she needed me to say, and even if I did I’m not sure I could deliver. I could not make myself soft, even for my sister’s sake, because it’s so much easier to get hurt that way. By who? With what? Nobody’s looking to hurt anyone, you might say. It’s us though, not them. We hurt ourselves with our anticipaiton of future comfort or ease, and with no defined sense of what that means, we lose the sense of how to get there.

I saw in her my own raw hopes and delicate dreams and I despised them. Not because they’re emotional or irrational, but because they were fragile and I am very clumsy.

A smile can hide a thousand emotions, you just have to practice.

That's right come on, lift your head.... That's it. Relax your shoulders. If you're tense it makes the smile unbelievable and stiff. Now try to smile. Try pulling the corners of your mouth up more but not too much - if need be show some teeth and give a chuckle while you're doing it. If you practice long enough you can learn to keep this facade up all day.

The eyes are often the downfall though - a real smile can be seen by the emotion in the eyes. My advice is focus on the area under their eyes or even their shoulder. Never focus on their eyes unless you are sure you can decieve them. It takes a lot of time to be able to decieve someone while maintaining eye contact.

I have perfected this smile.

This smile protects me from the hurt that others inflict.

I can wear this like a cloak and discard it in the solitude of my home.

It's perfect.

It's useful

It's.... so

Lonely.