In hopes of discovering the five elements of my existence

I extend one arm like a branch of a diseased tree

Ready to be dissected

The other takes in hand a razor blade

Carver’s tool

Archaeologist’s weapon

Maneuvering between the lines of demarcation

The scarred flesh, landmarks of my previous excavations

Breaking through the outer layer of defense

Pressing ever downward

I cut through the earth

The layers of my skin form such a vulnerable protection

Below is the smell of dirt, the dank, the rot

Where worms slither and rust grows rampant

Bad dreams remain and haunt the shadows

Trembling words echo in the fetid soil

Each timbre, cadence, tone

You can feel it

You can feel it

I cut through air

Vast pockets of emptiness

Swollen with resignation

Escape through the fissures

Whipping the stillness into violence

I try to release the pressure

But it keeps building and I cannot breathe

I cut through the water

Waves of destruction

Blood tides of raging waters

Violently boil and churn

Staining everything they touch

And they touch everything

Nothing is safe

Nothing is beyond reach

Each moment of pain and memory

Never washes out to sea

Sweltering and clinging as it flows

Until the cold sets in

Leaving me feeling desolate and barren

I cut through the fire

This eternal flame

That burns my center

With self-hatred, rage, disappointment

So I can destroy those that love me

Cancel their future and mine

I cut through the aether

This well where true darkness resides

Here there is no artifice

Only the naked self

The unadorned truth

Pulling back the curtain to reveal

The purity of my existence

Full of shame and despair

The blackness has form and space

And yet is as intangible as thought or feeling

I cut

I bleed

I cry

I mourn

I live to see another day

The Last of the First

Barbara awoke drowning. Either her eyes were unable to open or she had gone blind, she couldn’t tell, but she could feel the water surrounding her. She expected the water to feel cool but her skin was on fire and the bubbling liquid made her feel like she was being boiled alive. She tried to scream but nothing came out.

She held her breath and thought, I have to get out. She strained against invisible bonds and tried to force her arms and legs to move but her muscles mutinied. What’s happening to me? God, please help me.

She prayed for help but none came. I can’t go on. She let the air out of her lungs and took a deep breath to fill them with water. Air rushed into her mouth expanding her chest. Goddammit, let me die.

A black fungus-shaped apparatus clung to her mouth with a tendril snaking down her throat. Panic gripped her chest, but then she realized it was breathing for her. Barbara took the air in but the burning sensations over her body caused her to gulp. Her heart pounded. God, make it stop hurting.

No sooner had she thought it than the water began to feel soothing, not just to her flesh but also to her fear. She became calm and her breathing slowed.

“The beginning is always painful.” She heard a voice in her head like a sweet melody from childhood. “Rest.” The word slipped between each layer of thought.

The water stopped bubbling and gave way to small ripples. As each ripple passed over her she felt buoyant and free as though she was back in the womb.

“Sleep.” The voice sang once again and she fell into a blissful sleep.

When she woke next she still couldn’t move but at least she was able to open her eyes. She was inside a clear container filled with water. She couldn’t feel the water and she was relieved her skin had gone to sleep. Through her blurry vision she could see a figure standing over her. She couldn’t make out any features but she recognized the voice from before.

“You are almost ready.”

The ripples soothed her thoughts, smoothing out the wrinkles in the fabric of her mind. A strong scent of lavender washed over her and she was suddenly with her mother. Her mother’s hair always smelled of lavender. I must be dreaming, she thought.

She was reliving a memory when she was a little girl curled up in her mother’s lap. Her mother was stroking her hair and singing her a lullaby. Barbara drifted off to sleep, knowing her mother would protect her.

“I will take care of you.” Was that her mother’s voice? She couldn’t tell.

“Sleep.” The song played for her.

She replied like a child being told it was bedtime. Yes, mommy.

She yawned and stretched her arms above her head. I can move. Was everything a dream?

She sat up and looked around expecting to see the familiar sight of her bedroom. Her cat Mara would be resting peacefully at her feet. The sun would be shining through the sheer curtains bathing her room in a gentle golden glow. Her art work would be hanging unceremoniously on the walls between framed photos of family and friends.

Mara was nowhere to be seen. The sun did not shine through her curtains because there were no windows. There was no artwork on the walls, only curious markings, like hieroglyphics, that circled the room. Some of them took up a small space while others covered an entire wall. Light emanated from the walls without any visible source.

Barbara swung her legs over the edge of the bed and let them dangle above the bright alabaster floor. She had been lying on what looked like a plain metallic table that was warm to the touch and pliable like foam. A desk and two chairs connected to it at one end.

Her head whirled when she stood up and she had to grab the edge of the table to keep from falling. She closed her eyes and leaned on her hands until her head stopped tingling. When she opened her eyes she realized she was naked.

“Oh my god.” The words barely escaped her mouth. The skin on her arms was mottled pink and black. Her legs were blackened and raw like a badly cooked steak. Patches of skin were missing leaving blistered areas covering every inch of skin she could see.

“No, no, no!”

Barbara ran to the wall. Her fingers scraped frantically searching for a door but she couldn’t find one. She sank to the floor and covered her face with her hands. Choking on tears that ran down her swollen face, she didn’t notice a section of the wall glided open.

“You need not fear.” A voice said.

A hand touched her shoulder and she screamed. The creature was not human and she scurried back and wedged herself in the corner. Barbara went limp and her mind reeled. She was aware of what was going on but it felt like it was happening to someone else.

“Will she recover?” A second voice asked.

“Yes.” Their concordant voices played off each other.

“Perhaps the Bellite treatment has not removed her pain?”

“The Bellite treatment was successful. I have performed enough study to come to that conclusion.”

Their words sounded far away. Who were they talking about? She felt them lift her up and lay her gently on the table. They left and the door shut again just before she passed out.

______________________________________________________________________________

Barbara woke with a start. Her eyes hurt from the light in the room and she shaded them with sore fingers. When she opened them she saw a gown laid out at the table end. She put it on and touched one of the blisters on her arm. “Oh god. Will someone tell me what’s happening?”

“I will tell you.” The sweet voice seem to come from every corner of the room. “I would like to come in.”

“Who said that?”

“Don’t be frightened. May I enter?”

She cowered down behind the bed.

“Please.” The voice soothed her.

“Alright.” She gripped the table and peered out over the edge.

The most beautiful creature she had ever seen walked in. Its toned arms and legs moved with the grace of a dancer. It was tall and slim and hairless. Eyes like obsidian watched her stand up slowly. What the fuck is this? This is really happening! A thousand questions ran through her head but they all smashed together like a traffic jam before she could ask any. Her hand reached out as if to touch its smooth skin, covered in hydrangea blue, and then came back to her side. This is crazy. It carried a tray of food and laid it on the table.

“What’s happening?” Her voice faltered.

“There is nothing to fear here.” With a blink his eyes changed to a soft emerald green and Barbara let its words settle over her. “I am Arn.”

Barbara sat on the table and stared at him. “What are you?”

“You are amongst friends.” It slid the plate toward her. “You must eat.”

There were clear rectangle wedges that resembled jello. “It is safe.” It picked up a piece and took a bite.

“Please just tell me what’s going on.”

“You have many questions. It is understandable after what you have gone through.” It finished the food and sat on the opposite side of the bed.

“And what exactly is it I’ve been through?” She snapped at him.

“I will explain.” He stood up and offered his hand.

“How about you just let me out.”

“If you follow me…”

“I said open the fucking door.” She ran to the place in the wall where the alien had entered and pounded against it.

“There is nowhere to go.”

“What the fuck does that even mean?” She was ready to start punching the walls.

It waved its hand and a panel opened up on the far wall. “See for yourself.”

She saw a window and moved cautiously toward it. It took her a moment to grasp the meaning of the blackness and the stream of flickering dots surrounding a planet before her. A planet whose land formations confirmed that it was home.

She placed her scarred hand on the window as if trying to touch her home, to connect with it. Instead of the blue marble she had always marveled at in thousands of images since she was a child, she witnessed a grey and black cinder as if the very soul of the Earth had been drained.

“Oh my god. This can’t be happening.”

“It has happened.” He walked over to her and stood behind her.

“What…?” was all she could muster.

It stood beside her looking at the dead giant in front of them. “The inevitability of greed…aggression.”

She turned at stared at her host. Tears welled up and she slid down the wall like a slow moving mudslide.

“Nuclear war began between two of your nations. It spread to others causing a chain reaction that enveloped the entire planet.”

It knelt down and held her shoulders. His skin was warm and felt like crushed velvet.

“We collected fifty of your species before Earth’s final destruction. You were found surrounded by fire. You were barely alive.”

“I wish I wasn’t.”

She dragged herself off the floor and laid on the table. Then she curled up into a ball and wept.

“There is—”

“Please leave.”

Arn opened the door and left.

______________________________________________________________________________

Barbara slept for several hours until Arn entered her room and gently shook her awake.

“I just want to sleep.”

“It is time to wake.”

She sighed and rolled over, staring at him through heavy eyes.

“Why?” She turned toward Arn.

“You have slept enough.”

“I don’t want to get up.” She rolled back over and buried her face beneath her arm.

“I don’t understand.” He sat on the bed.

“How could you? You’re not even human.” She laughed

“I have been studying your planet’s data stream. I want to understand.”

“Well, maybe if you lost everything that meant anything to you and wound up like some refugee with nowhere to go, that would be a good start.” She spit the words out at him.

Arn stood and walked to the window. He stared at the scorched world below. “It is time to meet the others.”

She stirred and uncovered her face.

“Others?” She sat up.

“The remainder of your species.” He turned from the window. “Surely you have been anticipating this.”

She sat on the edge of the bed. “I hadn’t really thought about it.”

“Come.” He extended his hand and she took it.

The alien was completely naked. A thin vertical seam in the center of a smooth crotch reminded Barbara of a vagina but despite the lack of a penis everything else about it seemed masculine.

“Arn?” She asked as they walked to the open door.

“Yes?”

“Are you male or female?”

“I am the male of my species.” Barbara wanted to ask about the lack of a sex organ but they had just stepped through the door into a hallway filled with other creatures. She tried not to stare but couldn’t help herself. They all looked identical to her host and she wondered how they were able to tell each other apart. Every one of them ignored her presence and offered a strange greeting to Arn in a language she couldn’t begin to understand.

She walked past the same grey walls and bright bloodless floors she had seeing since she awoke. Her head spun at the thought that she was in space aboard an alien ship. This is crazy, she thought.

Arn stopped and opened a door in the wall. “They are waiting for you.”

She took a deep breath trying to find some deeply buried reserve of courage but came up empty. She wondered if she would recognize anyone. Would anyone from her neighborhood be in there? What if they were all strangers? Were they as confused and frightened as she was? Who did they leave behind on Earth?

Then it hit her hard. They were all gone. Probably everyone she knew, every place she had never visited had been consumed by fire. Her home, her entire existence vanished along with everyone else’s. We are the last humans, she thought.

“Wait.” She leaned against the wall and started to shake.

“What is happening?” Arn held her shoulders.

She looked into his eyes which had changed to amaranthine. How could she make him understand? She couldn’t.

“Nothing.” She stepped inside the room with her arms folded tightly across her chest. The large room had the same design of hers but accommodated three long, metallic tables. There were men and women of different ethnicities sitting in front of plates filled with the same gelatinous food. No one had noticed her yet amid the murmur of cautious conversation, as if they were trying not to be heard.

Her fellow human survivors were all dressed in the same gowns which made Barbara think of da Vinci’s “The Last Supper”. A burst of nervous laughter escaped her and everyone stopped talking and turned to her. Barbara couldn’t stop. She laughed until tears rolled down her cheeks.

Some people gasped and turned away. Whispers flew around the tables and she stared back confused. She wiped her eyes and stared at her hands. She had forgotten her burns.

“What is your name?” Arn bent down and whispered to her.

“Barbara.” She could barely speak. The word came out strangled.

“This is Barbara.” The alien announced to the room.

No one spoke. Barbara placed a hand on Arn’s arm. “Please take me back to my room.”

“I do not understand.”

“Please.” She said more urgently and stepped out of the room.

Arn joined her in the hallway and they walked silently back to her room. He opened her door and tried to follow her in but she turned and placed her hand on his chest.

“Thank you, but I need to be alone.” She left him standing in the doorway and went inside.

______________________________________________________________________________

Arn closed the door and returned to his room. At his desk he waved his hand and a screen appeared above the surface. He opened the Earth database and began his research. The data were collected shortly before Earth’s destruction and were incomplete, but Arn hoped there was information that would help him to make sense of this case.

His door opened and Bal entered his room and sat down across from him. They greeted each other with a solemn exchange of words and a gesturing of hands to the forehead.

“What is her progress?” Bal asked.

“Fluid resuscitation is complete, there are no respiratory complications and there is no infection. Pain has been successfully nullified due to the Bellite immersion. Her radiation poisoning has also been corrected, but I am confused as to her mental state.

“Explain.” Bal leaned forward, her coal black eyes unblinking.

“I assumed her re-insertion with her fellow humans would reanimate her. Instead it has made her worse.” He kept searching through the database as he talked.

“Perhaps I could assist in this research.”

“I would be most grateful.”

Arn waved his hand and a second screen appeared. The two beings studied together.

“She is important to you?” Bal asked as the information on the screen sped by.

“They are all important. Our survival depends on their survival.”

“Perhaps she is important to you personally.” Bal’s eyes changed to a burnt sienna.

“Does that put my posting in jeopardy?” Arn looked up from his screen.

“Your accomplishments are well regarded. I only ask as a friend.” She returned to her screen and said no more.

Arn went back to his screen and keyed in Barbara’s room. He watched her at her desk, her head down and resting on her arms. He changed the screen and went back to his research.

Many hours later when Bal left, Arn keyed in her room again and lay on his bed. “Barbara,” he said aloud. He remembered the expression on her face when she touched his arm and chest. Physical contact with species similar to his own was not new but he had never touched a human before now. He stroked his skin where she had touched him and held his fingers up to his nose. A distinct scent lingered on his skin. Interesting, he thought. He closed his eyes and his body began the dormant process. His eyes rolled over white and his consciousness drifted off. His body rested as his internal systems minimized. He slept until the scream awoke him.

Arn sprang up and checked the monitor. Barbara was lying in bed, eyes still closed. Her arms were thrashing as she screamed. He left his room and rushed to Barbara’s bed.

“Barbara.” He sat on the bed and touched her shoulder. Barbara bolted upright with a final scream. She looked around her and then burst into tears.

“Are you in pain?” Arn asked her.

She slid closer, rested her head on his chest, and slowly wrapped her arms around his waist.

“Could you hold me?” Arn did not move.

“Please, put your arms around me.” She sobbed.

Arn gently rested his arms around her and remained motionless. Barbara’s arms tightened around him and her cheek brushed his chest. Hot tears splashed his skin and quickly turned cold. Her skin bristled against him and brought an exhilarating sensation whenever she moved. Her hair smelled like panadal fruit, and the senses in his nose felt as though they came alive for the first time. Arn inhaled deeply and let his fingers glide through the soft strands.

She nestled into him. Slowly, her breathing softened. “Thank you,” she said. She fell asleep in his arms and Arn held her, feeling the rise and fall of her chest. The warmth of her body pleased him. He laid her back on the table and closed the window on his way out.

Back at his desk he touched the wet spot on his chest. He brought his finger to his lips and tasted her tears. The saltiness was a new taste. It sent shivers through his body. He touched the palm of his hand and could still feel the tangle of hair. Bringing his palm up to his face he opened his mouth and licked it.

It was hours before he could return to the dormant stage.

_____________________________________________________________________________

“I’m sorry about yesterday.” Barbara said the next day when Arn sat down with her.

“There is no need for apology.”

“Could you open the window?”

With a gesture of his hand the window opened and she walked over to it. She placed her raw fingers on the window and stared out into empty space. “Where’s Earth?” The words raced from her mouth.

He joined her at the window. “We have left Earth’s orbit.”

She felt adrift like a singular mote of dust in a windstorm. She had no time to grieve the loss of her home, no time to say goodbye. She imagined its ashen corpse floating in space, still making its revolutions in orbit, just like her.

“Where are we going?” She whispered.

“Epsal.”

“Is that your home?”

“No. I am from Kreyt.”

“Why are we going to Epsal?”

“That is to be your new home.”

In all this time she hadn’t thought about where she was being taken. She had assumed she would stay on board until…until what? She didn’t know.

“Why are you doing this? Helping us?”

“We have been researching new species, finding those with the potential to join us in expanding our culture in the universe. We came to explore your planet but there was no time to complete our experiment.”

“The war.” Her mind filled with the images of the battles she watched on TV, the patriotic fervor she shared with her friends. Nausea swept through her.

“Yes. On our arrival the war had started and your kind were being decimated. We decided to salvage what we could and decide once you were on board whether you were compatible.”

“Compatible for what?” She took deep breaths hoping her stomach would settle.

“For reprogramming.”

“I don’t understand. Reprogramming?” A chill ran up her spine and alarms went off in her head.

“Your kind will be reprogrammed. Your minds will be erased of aggressive tendencies as well as the memories of your life on Earth. We will implant our culture in its place. This will better situate you to your new home and our way of life.” Arn sounded like a politician promising a better life if elected.

“Wait. You’re going to brainwash us.” She asked incredulously. She stormed away from him and stood by the chair.

“I do not understand this term.”

“You’re going to take away our identities, take everything away that makes us who we are.” She felt like she was talking to a child.

“We are only preparing you for a successful transition which will also aid us in gaining allies across the universe. We will all be as one.”

“No.” Her hands were balled into fists.

“No?”

“No.” She shouted. “I won’t let you.”

“You have nothing to fear. The procedure is painless.”

“I don’t fucking care.”

He stared at her trying to comprehend her response.

“What did the others say?”

“They were hesitant at first, but they have accepted.”

“Why would they do that?” She stomped off getting as far from him as she could.

”There is no other way.” He sat down at the table. “Is this not to your liking?” He motioned to the plate of food.

“What?” She realized he was talking about her food. “Are you really asking me about the food?”

“Can you explain your behavior yesterday?” He changed the subject again.

“Did you see the way they looked at me?” She spat the words out as if they could choke her.

“Yes.”

“I’m a freak. I’m horrible. I don’t even look human anymore.”

“There is no doubt you look human.”

“You don’t understand. My skin, my body. It’s all been burned. I’m disgusting.” She stretched out her arms as if he couldn’t see the obvious.

“Your skin is a variation of other human skin. It is no different than anyone else’s.”

“We humans don’t feel that way. We have a certain sense of beauty that shapes us all.”

“Yes. Beauty. I have found some references to this in the data fragments. I have witnessed the beauty of your people. Your poems, your music. There was much beauty on your world.”

“I’m talking about physical beauty. Humans like to look a certain way.”

“You look human.”

“Jesus Christ. Just fucking look at me.” She tore off her gown and stood motionless.

He sat quietly. She could see he didn’t understand and she picked up her gown and put it back on.

“Listen. I am not going to let you change my brain. I don’t want to lose my memories and I don’t want to lose my aggression,” she said defiantly.

“That is the only way your existence can be insured. We have found that starting over on a new planet creates difficulties because of previous life experiences. Once you believe that you originated from Epsal your transition will be smoother and you will carry on our civilization. It has been this way for others.”

“You’ve done this before?”

“Yes.”

“I won’t let you do this to me.” She paused. “Wait a minute. There has to be someone I can talk to. Someone in charge.”

“I work with others on this project.”

“Then talk to these others and tell them I’d rather be dead than brainwashed.” She marched to the window and turned her back to him.

Arn stood up. “I will talk to the others.”

“Arn, wait.”

“Yes.”

“You like me, don’t you?” She stared out into the empty blackness.

“Like you?”

“I can tell when you’re with me. I see the way you look at me.” She waited for his response but he gave none. “Please help me.”

He left the room. The door closed silently behind him.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Arn went to the quarters of Bal. Once inside he stood at the foot of the table where Bal was lying in the dormant stage. Earth information flickered on the desk monitor. He hoped that she had discovered something his research hadn’t turned up. He thought of letting her sleep but he needed answers before he ran out of time. Barbara would be reprogrammed before they reached Epsal and it wouldn’t be long before they entered its orbit.

Barbara. She was different than the others. They all started out afraid but soon gave in to the idea of forgetting everything. They wanted no part of the pain they had experienced and were willing to lose their memories to achieve that. Barbara wanted to keep all of her experiences despite the pain.

“Damal.” Bal said placing her hand on her forehead.

“Hulat.” Arn replied in the same manner. “I am having difficulty with the human Barbara.”

She moved to her desk. “Tell me.” He sat down across from her.

“She is refusing the reprogramming. She also does not wish to interact with the others. It is her appearance that is governing her decisions.”

“Explain.”

“Her altered skin seems to signify inferiority in her culture. She does not believe she belongs to her people.”

“The reprogramming would change that.” Bal studied the monitor.

“I explained. She chooses to remain in her present state of mind.”

“That is difficult.”

“I wish for her to remain Barbara.”

“Remain Barbara?” Bal froze the image on the monitor.

“She wishes for her mind to remain as it is. And I wish the same.”

“I see.” Bal rose from her chair and stood behind Arn. She pressed her fingertips into his temple and her blue eyes became cloudy like the sky moments before a storm.

“She asked if you like her. You did not answer.”

“No.”

“You have emotions for the female.”

“Yes.”

“And you admire their culture.”

“Yes.”

Bal took her hands away and sat back down. “I have an idea that may benefit you both. I will approach the council and report their recommendation.”

“I am grateful.”

Bal brought up a second screen. “For now perhaps this will help.”

______________________________________________________________________________

The next day Barbara sat at her desk waiting for Arn’s visit, a plate of protein packs, barely touched, in front of her. Confusion and joy flooded through her since she had taken off her gown and looked down at her naked body. Her skin was normal. There were no scars or burns. Barbara ran her fingers over her soft, warm skin enraptured by its texture. She laughed to herself. How did he do it? She forgot everything that troubled her. “I’m normal.” She kept saying over and over.

“I thought you would prefer this,” Arn stood in the doorway.

“How is this possible?” She couldn’t stop touching herself.

He sat down. “Two days ago you were placed in a dormant stage. The process was completed this morning.”

“I was asleep for two days?” She wanted to be angry but just couldn’t feel it.

“This is not your real skin. Think of it as a shelter for your body. You can remove it whenever you like. We thought it might aid you in your contact with the other humans.”

“It seems so real.” Even knowing it wasn’t real didn’t dilute her joy. “What do you see when you look at me?” She took his hand in hers.

“I see a human female who is compatible with our specie’s way of life.”

“Have there been any species that have not been compatible?”

“Yes.”

“And what happened to them.”

“They are extinct.”

Barbara let that settle for a moment. “This is me. I am more than just a human female. I am Barbara. I am not like anyone else. Do you understand?”

“I do not.”

“Every human is born with a unique spirit; an identity that we carry through our lives. We have a force of energy that is different from every other person. I have my own thoughts, my own feelings. My memories of all my experiences make me who I am today. I am the only Barbara that is like me, different from any other Barbara.”

He placed his other hand on top of hers without knowing why.

“You didn’t answer me yesterday when I asked you if you liked me.” Barbara smiled.

“I enjoy our time together.”

“That’s not what I mean.” She touched his cheek with a gentle caress.

He stood up. “I must go now. Once the council has made a decision there is nothing more to be done. I just wanted to tell you that.”

“Let me remain Barbara, Arn.”

He opened the door.

“I could be yours. If you let me stay who I am. I want to stay with you.” She clutched his hand and tried to pull him close.

“It is not my decision.” He hurried out without looking back.

______________________________________________________________________________

Back in his room Arn sat at his desk and opened his hand. In it he held a piece of protein pack that Barbara had taken a bite from. He’d snatched it from the plate in her room, uncertain why he was doing it. Now, he raised it slowly to his lips and gave a tentative lick. He could taste her saliva, the enzymes saturating his mouth. His head began to spin. His heart raced. It was as if he could taste her flesh. Completely confused by his feelings, he hungered to feel her. It was as if he were not himself. I have changed, he thought. These new sensations and thoughts pleased him. Was this what it was like to be human?

______________________________________________________________________________

Barbara laid naked on the bed. “You’re watching me. I know you are.” She called out.

“I am.” His voice came from every direction.

“I want to see myself.” She leaned on her elbows and listened for his voice.

The wall opened in the wall. The light in the room brightened and the window became reflective. Barbara moved cautiously toward it until she could see herself. Her skin looked perfect. Every part of her body excited her. She traced her hands across her stomach and up to her neck and face. Her hands held her head and she stared at herself. Her eyes moistened and left wet streaks down her cheeks.

The face in the reflection was young and beautiful. There were no lines of aging or blemishes of any kind. There was only one problem. It was not her face.

“Could you come see me?”

“Yes.”

Barbara was still at the window when he arrived. He stood beside her and waited for her to speak.

“No matter how hard I try I just can’t do it. That is not me.” She pointed at her reflection. “I don’t know who I am anymore.” She rested her head against his arm. “Do you like to see me like this?”

“I enjoy seeing you.”

Barbara moved away from him and stood by the bed. She laid her hands on her stomach and slowly brought them up to her breasts. She pinched the skin and pulled tearing a small strip that revealed her real skin.

“This is me. And I think you like this better.” She sat down and held out her hand. “Come here.”

He joined her and she took his hand and placed it on her breast. “Take it off.”

“This is what you want?”

“I just want to be me.”

Arn gripped the skin and pulled. It tore easily in a long pink strip that curled like the skin of an apple when it fell to the floor. Barbara touched her scarred breast and felt the thrill of being undressed. When he pulled another strip from her neck that ran down to her ankle, the air on her skin caught her breath. Each nerve ending worked overtime to tell her she could still feel. She knew that inside she was still Barbara no matter what she looked like.

She stood and turned around. Arn kept stripping her body, exposing her shoulders and back. His fingers traced along her buttocks and thighs. He revealed every part of her until she stood truly naked. Barbara lay on the bed. “Lie down with me.”

Arn laid next to her. The color of his skin had changed to a deep auburn and his eyes turned the brightest blue. Barbara could hear a sound coming from Arn. She listened closely and it reminded her of the somber tones a cello would make without the sorrow. Arn’s body vibrated and she could feel the vibrations inside her. Each one reverberated against the other, echoing in her mind as well. She was lost in the moment and closed her eyes feeling like a human being for the first time since she arrived. Her body responded in ways she had forgotten about. It was more than just physical. She felt like the darkness was finally beginning to lift. Her first orgasm frightened Arn when she cried out.

“Have I hurt you?” The vibrations stopped.

“No. We humans show our pleasure this way. You make me feel good.” She felt shame when she said those words. Billions of people dead and she felt no remorse. What right did she have to feel good? But she didn’t care anymore. Why shouldn’t she feel good? She was not dead. Her tears fell onto his chest and he took her hand and dipped her finger in the salty drops.

“What do you call this?” He held up her finger.

“Those are tears. Have you never had tears?”

“No. What do they do?”

“They tell me I still have a life to live.”

“I wish to taste this life.”

He slid her finger into his mouth and shuddered at the taste. Barbara put her fingers beneath her eyes and wiped up enough tears to wet her entire finger. She kissed his lips then touched her fingers to them. He kissed the fingertips and his tongue lightly grazed them.

Her body felt like it had melted away. She was no longer bound to it and had the same sensation she had when she was in the immersion tank. Buoyant and free like a dove with wings spread floating on an ocean breeze. She rested her head on his chest.

”My whole life I’ve kept people away. I’ve never let anyone get close. And when I arrived here I thought that was it. I would never have the chance to be a part of anything or anyone.” She sat up and held his hand against her chest. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“I do not understand.”

Barbara lowered her head and tried again. “Something inside me has opened for the first time in my life. I want you to be a part of me, of my life. I want to stay with you.”

“I do not wish for you to leave.” For the first time his voice lost some of its sweet sounding resonance. His skin and eye color returned to its original blue.

“I don’t have to. There has to be a way.”

“There is a way.” Bal’s image appeared on the monitor. “I have just come from the council. They have decided in her favor. She will not be reprogrammed and has been given clearance to stay with us as long as she wishes.”

“Oh my god. Thank you.” Barbara said to the image. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” She hugged Arn and rocked in his arms. “I can’t believe it. I’ll still be me.”

“I am pleased, Barbara.”

She kissed him and her tears ran down his chest.

He kissed her back, his lips awkward at this new custom. “Since you are staying with us I have many things to show you. I think you will be fascinated.”

“Can you show me now? I’ve been in this room for so long I just want to get out.” She felt like she was whining and laughed.

“We can go now.”

Barbara dressed and Arn opened the door. Before they could leave Bal paraded in with two others. They immediately took Barbara by the arms and pulled her from the room.

“What’s going on?” Barbara demanded.

“It is time for the reprogramming.” Bal’s voice sounded cheerful.

“No. You said I didn’t have to go.” She looked to Arn.

“I do not understand.” Arn grasped Barbara’s hand and she clamped down on it.

“Do not be so troubled. You should both be pleased.” He led them down the hall.

“What are you talking about?” Barbara struggled to free herself but the two aliens were too strong.

“I devised this for you Barbara. One last Earth custom before you leave us. I have studied the data stream and discovered the human desire to share in commemorating certain days. The most intriguing custom is the celebration of the day of truth discovered from false concepts.”

“Let me go.” Barbara screamed. She became like a wild animal trying to bite or claw her way free.

“You will be pleased.” Bal said over her protests.

Bal held up his hands to the guards and Arn stared silently at her.

“The April of one. April Fool’s Day.”

Barbara looked at Arn who looked bewildered. She stopped resisting and burst into tears. Her crying turned to screams. I’m a dead woman. That’s all I am. Her screams turned to mad laughter that fell flat in the still air. Her legs didn’t work anymore and she was dragged down the corridor until she could no longer be seen.

“She was pleased.” Bal said content with herself. “Are you not also pleased?”

He stared down the empty corridor. “I do not understand.” He left Bal and returned to his quarters. The monitor on his desk was still on and Barbara’s empty room was displayed. He rested his head down on his arms the way Barbara had done before.

Far from the room she had known as home, Barbra was led to a long line of her fellow humans. “It’s the April of one everybody. It’s all just a joke.” She screamed. “They just don’t understand. None of you understand.”

They all ignored the screaming woman and waited their turn. Soon they would all forget and the last humans would disappear forever.