Paralyzing anxiety is all who accompanies me,

No friends stand beside me in this pain now attached to me.

Self-absorption accused of me,

"Help your mother; her pain will cease in thee." 

Observation, in my free time greets me,

Seeing him can be the only thing that completes me.

"But, wait, call your father,

You're all the world has to offer."

Yet the world offers nothing to me,

My life is but a victim of theives.

"Put down the photos, your parents must see,

Your smiling face to relenquish the pain."

"In time you'll be fine, 'till then, please don't whine,

Your parents need you, their chronic pain cannot be in vain. 

You must be the cure of this terminal flu."

To them my pain isn't the same, I guess I'll slowly just go insane.

I never knew I could be incomplete, and then all the sudden I was lying there and couldn't get you off my mind. I realized losing you is like jumping off the diving board and plunging too far down. Losing you is running out of breath trying to find the bottom of the pool so you can push off the bottom and hurry to the surface of the water. Losing you is losing me and losing the chance to ever breathe.

Since you left this world of mine,

My sense of time has been a constant unwind.

Unraveling and busting at the seams, it's dreams of you that are the only comfort I receive.

My fake laughter and disinterest,

Seem to be a symptom of the loss that has come over me.

No drug can give me sweet relief,

My day-to-day has become me jumping off the diving board into a deep sea,

Frantically searching for ground to help push me.

No such luck, I can hardly breathe.

I never knew I was such a good performer,

I hear myself produce such believable laughter,

Performing what noises are expected.

Does that make me a liar or actor?

Either way, comedy will never again penetrate,

This life of mine will soon dissipate,

Into the world of yours,

That you seemed to evoked such an incessant ache.

Twenty minutes ago, when the clock struck twelve,

Became the day that three months ago my life was struck with a heavy blow.

Since then my life has been out of control,

And I'm but a lump of flesh, I know, so my wish of floating away will never be so.

That night, ninety days ago, is the first I wished I would truly be the one below.

"When I'm six feet below," people have always joked,

Is now the torture that I will forever know.

My sweetest bubs, Im so scared to show,

To all these extras in my life that I'm no longer whole.

I lie in bed for hours with no sleep to be shown,

For this hard work that living is, can't you help keep me afloat?

You see, now I'm washed up on the shore below,

The one in my dreams that is far below,

Don't you see the jagged rocks, there to cushion my fall? Whether sleeping or waking, life is never worth the weight of my constant choke.

Is this all some kind of shitty joke?

Like a thousand pound weight upon my shoulder,

My thoughts of you continue to leave me in a smolder.

I'm consumed in a flame, you keep branding my brain.

Fuck this life, we'll never be the same.

What's the rate of exchange in this submersive game?

Can I just pay to take away this pain?

Like an ad campaign, my blemished thoughts continue like a derailed train.

I keep falling off the track

And I will forever, cuz I'll never get you back.

"Call if you need anything, my ringer will stay on while I slumber."

I'll be fine, I reply

Suddenly it's 2:45 a.m and my body is frozen like it's mid December.

You'll be fine, my prideful brain replies.

I never knew ice shattered into millions of pieces so easily, but now I'll always remember.

I see my icy soul spilling in the bed sheets with my pillow-muffled cries.

Now it's 2:58,

Grief seems never to be late.

Right on time, consuming my mind

Finally, I can't bear to be.

I call your phone

Why don't you answer me?

I need your voice to cut through my tear streams.

My brain keeps running through the painful memories.

But all I can see

Are the thoughts that rip through me.

And all I am hearing

Are the unanswered

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

How could I be fooled into thinking you would be there for me

I'm having an identity crisis,

Keeping me from acknowledging this world's high prices.

I'm emptying my accounts to cover these expenses,

Hoping that no one can see my ugly vices.

I wish drugs or alcohol could be what complies,

With my desperate cries.

I could puff out the pain,

Or swallow my sorrow,

Never in vain.

But unfortunately, you see, for me,

My internal heat and falling leaves,

Is pacified only by your sweet heartbeat,

Which never yearns for a person like me.

Considering my inconsiderate vices,

I guess I'd better reconsider the high prices,

Mind altering, and always startling,

I keep compartmentalizing your beauty that is not complying.

Leaving me incomplete,

I can no longer attempt to compete,

For your lovely heartbeat.