30 years ago a victim of domestic

violence.

7 months preganant just part of circumstanc.

Dead for some time,

somehow came back to life.

Learned a lesson or two

from all that mess

Life is two short to worry and be under

so much stress.

Your CHILDREN are what matters most.

They are the ones who need your protection, your love, and your guidance.

I learned that I'm worth more than the doormat in front of the door and I'm so much better than being used as a punching bag.

I learned that my life is just as important and precious as everyone else's.

So DONT be an idiot like me and have to die to learn this stuff!

A painful lesson..

It's not too hard, when you have a crown of thorns, saying what you want is not gonna be water-cooler talk, throw that book of Exile, set your neighbors house on fire, you can't have a blemish when your father lit the torch, and you just live in the shadow of it, not too hard, when you're only

The whisper

In a grave of your sins, buried and the dirt ain't sifting, sink no lower, a wager I would have a hold over, six feet under deep shit, your past is speeding ahead, and you expect a new picture when you catch up to it, never seen in an image of hereditary, you can't be judged but you hear every voice,

Every whisper, considering every corner, combatants devouring the spirit that died long ago, foiled, a plummet that I will land from eventually, if only I'd known a camaraderie....

Hear every whisper

I try to run. It's never been easy for me. I've always been big. Tall and thick would best describe me. I've tried for years to get into running as a way to exercise and be healthy. My husband can run. He is tall and skinny and grew up playing soccer. He can run. I like to say he is built like a gazelle and I am built like a rhinoceros. I remember the first time we tried to go for a run together. It was my idea of course, I thought it would be cute, a couple running through the park together, sweaty but romantic in it's own way. After a few minutes he looks over at me while I'm huffing and puffing and says " I might as well be walking". We haven't run together since. When I go for a run - it's really a jog, but it sounds better to say " I got up and went for a run today". People think "oh she is healthy and fit". I want people to think I'm healthy. Being seen running and talking about going for a run implies a certain lifestyle. It's vain, I know, to want people to think of me as fit and sporty. To be honest however, running SUCKS. It's hard for me. Some days I feel like cement blocks are tied to my feet and I can barley lift them off the ground. Somedays I can't breathe and sometimes I'm so sore afterwards it makes the rest of my day harder. But I keep trying. I find new places to run, maybe it won't suck so bad if there is a beautiful view, a body of water, a beach to sit at afterward or place to get a delicious latte nearby, those things do help. I've tried running inside and outside, on dirt and pavement and even barefoot in the sand. They say its good for you and your heart so I keep trying, three miles every few days so. I keep trying. Then there is the running culture. It's just so stuck up, so elitist. People brag about how many half marathons, full marathons, ultra marathons they've completed. They have a sercret language, talking about their PR all the time. There are books and magazines and blogs all dedicated to running and meant to inspire and encourage. Then there is the gear you are expected to have as a runner. $300 shoes, the handheld water bottle, the special running fanny pack, the right outfit, the energy gel packs, the hats, the gloves, the socks.....I can't keep up. So I just give up.

But...

I don't. I don't give up because there is a feeling at the end of run of something accomplished. There is joy. There is a feeling of worked muscles and a healthy body, a body that can still move and function-however slowly. If nothing else running reminds me that I'm still alive. Alive, even with complaints and aches and pains. Alive, even though some would say I'm lacking. Lacking in speed and distance. Some would say I don't have enough gear to be a runner, some would say I'm not enough. That's when I pull on my $20 shoes and head out the door telling the world "I am enough. I am here. I am alive and I am running!"

Thud-Thud.

My feet crunch the gravel

Thud-Thud.

My heart pounds in my chest

Thud-Thud.

My lungs grasp for air

Thud-Thud.

No need for rest

I ran and she laughed

“How could that be fun”

I laughed along too

rubbing blisters on one

of my toes which was bleeding

from the miles which were

painful and long,

yet none could deter

me from taking, no one,

Not even her

Thud-Thud.

My feet are now sore

Thud-Thud.

My heart quickens its pace

Thud-Thud

My lungs have a harder time running this race

Thud-Thud.

She loved to walk

and walk yes she did

I’d slow down my pace

we’d match strides, it is

a bit silly, I know, to lessen your speed

but she’d smile and I’d tell

Myself it was worth it, her love was all I need

Thud-Thud.

My feet are now bleeding.

Thud-Thud.

My heart pumps blood to my ears.

Thud-Thud.

My lungs and their gasps are all that I hear.

Thud-Thud.

I told her I’d like to run a race

and I swear, you should’ve seen the look on her face

a laugh and a smile took the place

of her grimace that had recently filled up that space

Thud-Thud.

I can’t feel my feet

Thud-Thud.

My chest is numb

Thud-Thud.

My breathes come in wheezes

Thud-Thud.

I see the finish line, it’s almost done

I won! I won!

I crossed the finish line

and looked around to see

if that friend, who was mine

was waiting for me

at the end of my race

but I see no one

not even her

no smile on her face

--

My feet stopped their pounding of gravel beneath

--

My heart ached as a muscle that’s hurt

--

My lungs let out sighs that escaped as I breathed

--

All of this lasted until the day I saw her

walking besides a new, slower girl

shortening her paces and looking to see,

if the girl was smiling, the one who wasn’t me.

Thud-Thud.

My feet still have blisters and continue to bleed

Thud-Thud.

My heart loves to run, or so says my heartbeats

Thud-Thud.

My lungs catch my breath sometimes when I see

Thud-Thud.

Myself in the mirror, with a smile on me.

Tiny paws,

rhythmic beat,

one,

two,

three,

four,

heart thumping,

pace constant,

slowing

slowing

slowing

down,

taken,

teeth ripping,

fur flying,

blood spatters,

the paw might be considered lucky,

but not for this rabbit.