I am hyper aware of everything happening in this moment. The air dancing in the room, gently swaying your thin shirt draped over the chair, the tick-tock of the wall clock, the sound of running water - the one you went to close in the kitchen, the whoosh of the ceiling fan, the goosebumps on my arm (I am so cold but I wouldn't dare say anything)...my loud beating heart.

Have you ever been trapped in a mind palace? A spoiled Princess hidden away from the world. Not able to handle the dangers it offers. Well guess what? She's running.

The mind palace has always been her prison. She hated it. Being stuck. When she was very young, a monster called anxiety trapped her there. It would tell her to sit there, to never encounter anything that gave stress. That if she ever tried running, the mind palace would crumble and fall on her. Well, the jokes on the monster, because she's running. Mind palace be damned. She'll take all calamities. She's running.

Everyone tells you a story of a prince or a knight coming up to save the princess. Destroying the cruel monster, kicking the door open and swooping the princess off of her feet. He would take her and place her in another palace, never letting her see the light. Never actually conquering the monster that's called anxiety. So she's running. Running away from falling into someone, falling into patterns. Running away from the monster.

The princess picks up her speed, if it's not now, it's never gonna happen. She stumbles on the ground a few times, she has to get up again and again to make process. Sometimes it's painful, the glass pieces falling and cutting her. She tries various things, makes a note of how the mind palace works. She comes up with a plan, tries to remember it. Run but breath. Run but breath. Get up from the ground and dodge the glass pieces. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.

But is she really running? Everything is slowing her down. The progress is mediocre. The monster is laughing at her. The mind palace breaking down often. She stops sometimes, takes a step back. Sometimes two. Sometimes three. Sometimes four. Thinking she should stay in her lane, stay where it's harmless. Maybe wait for a prince. But then she's running. Because no one ever comes here. No one ever understands. So she's running. At her own pace. She's running as she pleases.

She realises when she comes out after a year long battle with the mind palace and the monster. At the entrance, no one waits for her. Nobody is holding a party. Nobody is congratulating her for her victory. Instead there's a whole world out there, ready for her, ready to break her. So she pats her own back for winning the battle, the first of many.

And then she's running.

I am anxious. All the time.

It keeps me awake at night. It keeps me agitated the whole day. I am running from my mind.

I am anxious. It's a curse. It's like something is ignited inside of me. I seek something constantly to put out the fire but I can't find anything. So I burn. I burn constantly.

I am anxious. It's polyglot. I know others who have the same problem. It's all over the social media. But I never reach out to them, it's private, my anxiety.

I am anxious. It's a disease. As everyone likes to call it - a mental disorder. It comes and goes, it's chronic. And ugly, oh so very ugly.

I am anxious. It's not normal. How many times I've been told by people to calm down? How many times I've been told to grow out of it?

I am anxious. It's a burden on everyone else. I hate being dependent on someone. But I need them, I need someone because without them I would go crazy.

I am anxious. It's tiring. It's so tiring I wish it would stop. I can't make a call to the doctors, I can't travel alone without making a mistake, I can't make the right decisions.

I am anxious. And I've stopped caring slowly and slowly. I've found ways to avoid being in an anxious situation. It's dragging me down. Down, down, down.

I am anxious. All the time.