I used to hear:

"Don't show your tears,

Protect the girl,

Hide all your fears."

Now I awaken

On this brand new day,

And they still talk,

But it's different what they say:

"Dress up pretty no matter what,

Stay thin, be poise, have grace

And stop being such a slut."

I used to be Kyle, but now I'm not.

And their words and voices I still hear a lot.

Either way they have so many expectations: "Be happy! Smile!"

I guess you can be anything after you pretend for a while.

When you don’t believe in God, who do you pray to when you are about to face down one of your greatest fears? Anyone and anything that will listen, that’s who. This is exactly what I was doing while the Park Ranger rambled on about how stalactites formed. Please Gods let my sedatives work, Please Gods let my sedatives work….. I glanced at the numbers above the fast approaching elevator and knew I was out of time. It was now or never.

Never sounded SO GOOD.

DING

My husband gripped my hand tightly and we stepped into the elevator. The smallest of all the elevators, we had been told. Perfect. I could do this. I could. We were alone in the metal box when the doors closed and the walls started to slip past the glass inserts in the panels. I couldn’t do this. Oh my God. We were in a solid rock shaft plummeting 750 feet into the Earth. How did I even get here?

I couldn’t breathe. How did this broken glass get into my lungs? My fingers felt numb where they fluttered ineffectually at my diaphragm, and my heart was trying to slam out of my chest. Tears slipped from my darting eyes. Somewhere, in the tiny metal box with the walls sliding by, my husband was telling me that it would be over in just a few seconds. But I couldn’t hear him over the roaring in my ears.

DING

The doors slid open. I stumbled out and plastered myself to the wall, then slid to the floor. I needed to breathe, to clear the spangles from my eyes. It had taken only 1 minute to reach the bottom. The tiny metal box had taken us 750 feet into the Earth to one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen. I had finally made it into Carlsbad Caverns. It was a gloriously alien world, full of magic and a wonder I never would have gotten to experience if I hadn’t confronted my fears. Then it happened. For a time I forgot to be afraid. I forgot that being underground terrified me, that being trapped under all that rock felt suffocating.

Then it was time to go.

Back in the tiny metal box.

This time there were enough people to fill the elevator, but this time I knew I could do it. I let my husband hold me tight and watched the walls slip by.

This time I could breathe.

DING