The Man Who Ended World Hunger (And Associate)
Well, my day had taken a turn for the bizarre. One minute, I’m polishing this old oil lamp in my uncle’s antique shop over in Lancaster, as you do. The next thing I know, there’s an explosion, my uncle’s junk is scattered all over the store, and there’s an eight-foot-tall monster standing where the lamp used to be. At first, I thought it was a guy, and at first, I thought he was on fire from the explosion. I ruined three of my uncle’s antique carpets trying to put this guy out before I realized he was made of fire. Come to think of it, that’s probably what he was trying to shout at me as I beat him with a rug, but I tend to panic in emergencies.
So we both calm down, and I start picking up some junk off of the floor. I looked over to see the monster sitting neatly on the floor, staring at me. I didn’t really know what to do with this guy. He wasn’t buying anything. He didn’t even look like he was perusing or shoplifting or waiting to use the customers-only restroom. I had half a mind to ask him to leave, but the only way out of the shop is through the books, magazines, and propane aisle. That wouldn’t work out so good. Finally, he broke the silence, which was great, because another couple of hours, and it would have been awkward.
“Can I help you?” the monster said.
“Can you help me? Buddy, you’re in my antique shop. Well, my uncle’s, but he’s not here. Can I help you?”
“You rubbed the lamp, human. You called me here.”
“Is that a euphemism? I didn’t call anyone. Now do you want a table or some tchotchkes or something?”
“I am Zakaam, the genie of the lamp. My power and magic are yours to command!”
I couldn’t believe my luck! Of all the things to come through my little antique shop (well, my uncle’s)! An honest-to-God canonical magic lamp! I’d read about this in movies (I like to watch with subtitles).
“Sweet tapdancing Moses! A genie! I’m Dave. It’s good to meet you, Zakaam. Ok, first wish, I’m thinking we do something nice and easy. I want a country. Like, to own.”
The genie held up a hand. I think.
“A thousand apologies, Dave, but you misunderstand my power. I cannot grant you a country.”
“Uh, ok. Well, how about the wealth of a country, eh? I’d like eight million dollars—”
The genie began to rub his neck uncomfortably, like he was going to tell me something difficult. Or like he had an itch. I get itchy sometimes.
“Ah. See, this is always difficult. You’ve read about Aladdin.”
“Yeah! Read! You watch with subtitles too?”
The genie stared at me momentarily, then continued:
“Aladdin’s genie was all-powerful, and was bound to fulfill the wishes of the lamp’s master. I was bound to do something slightly different. I don’t grant wishes; I… solve problems.”
This was not what I expected. This was not in the cartoon.
“What does that mean, exactly? Like math problems?”
The genie perked up pretty quickly. “Math is good! I can do math! If you have a math problem, I can definitely handle it. What’s six times seven? FORTY-TWO! See?”
“I’m good, man. I have my calculator. And phone. I think my refrigerator has an app for that now, too. What other kinds of problems do you solve?”
“Um, well, the sorcerer who bound me to the lamp wanted me to solve problems he didn’t possess the knowledge to solve himself! He was pretty vague as to the terms. One time, he had me tell him where he had misplaced a rare jewel. Another time, he had me identify vulnerabilities in the Sardinian army. You never knew.”
“Um… can you solve… murders?”
The genie’s eyes lit up. I think.
“…YES. YES, I can solve murders.”
Alright! That was something to work with! “Ok, ok! I like that. I’m about to become the most famous man in America. Tell me, Zakaam… who really killed Kennedy?”
Zakaam leaned in to whisper the great secrets of the universe into my ear.
“Lee… Harvey… Oswald.”
The genie stood back, waiting for me to show how awestruck I was.
“No, I mean really.”
“That’s the guy! He shot him. To death.”
“Yeah, I know he—wow, ok. So just the answer everyone… already knew. That’s pretty disappointing.”
“Oh, um. He shot him IN DALLAS! The body was buried IN ARLINGTON CEMETERY! Some of his library books WERE NEVER RETURNED—”
“Ok, let’s… let’s try this! Can you solve… big issues? Like world hunger? Can you solve that? We could be heroes if you solve that! We’ll go down in history! The man who ended world hunger! And associate!”
The genie made a “yikes” face. I think.
“Ummmmmmm… yes. I can. Sort of. Technically. In a way you won’t like.”
“What does that mean? What, are you going to… you’re going to kill everyone, aren’t you.”
“—I’m going to kill everyone, yeah. It’s the only way. As long as there are limited resources, and people have biological self-interest, hunger will always exist on some level… UNLESS I kill everyone.”
“Look, I don’t think this is working out, Zakaam. I’m sorry.”
“Come on; give me a chance! I can solve your problems! Heck, if someone’s giving you trouble, maybe I can dissolve your problems! Eh? Ehhhhhhhhhhh?”
“Look, you’re… you’re very nice. I appreciate you trying to help. I just don’t think you can solve anything I need.”
The genie was sad. I know because he started crying these little embers that I had to put out with another rug. As I desperately tried to keep the cinders from hitting the hairspray and hard liquor aisle, I took another look at the dejected genie. I felt bad for him! Who knows how long he’d been imprisoned in that tiny lamp, just waiting to explode out and help somebody? He needed a break, and I decided to give it to him.
“Hey, big guy. Tell ya what. It’ll be March soon, and I think I’ll need someone to solve the problem of doing my taxes? Whaddya say?”
“Oh, I don’t do taxes. One friend too many with multi-state income and a “favor” to cash in. Sorry, Dave. Hey, good luck though!”