I just remembered the Rolling Stones, wearing those sunglasses that made me feel like Audrey Hepburn, and dying a little every day. We died because we could, and because you couldn't live without dying every once in a while. So we did. We cried tears on that floor, than checkered, linoleum floor, and we lived too. We sang along to Gimme Shelter and White Room and All Along The Watchtower and we rolled the windows down and I crashed over and over again into the ocean of my youth. And I died a little every day, because I was living so damn much.

And as the night grows darker

and our shadows disappear

and Bob Seger sounds a little sharper

on the radio

we fall a little harder

and the sunsets set a little longer

and the memories

start to sound real

like maybe we weren't just stories

we were people

and ditching prom to go bowling

wasn't as stupid as all the kids

said it was

and as the night grows darker

and the stars get brighter

and we breathe a little lighter

Bob Seger sounds a little sharper

on the radio

if there is one thing i have learned

it is that you do whatever you want

you find that thing that makes you feel alive

and you do it

because in the end

we all die anyway

Already unsteady

built on the cliffs of broken promises

and nights spent wide awake

chasing eachother on the tails of ink and espresso

sometimes I feel like life will tear me to pieces

like my relationships with people are the thrashing green ocean

and my dreams are a glittering seaside town

sometimes I feel like the breakwall between them

the last defense of what I want

and who I want

the people I love crash against me

as unconstant, as human as I am

my dreams are distant

unrealized

but present as ever somehwhere on the horizon

threatened everyday

by those I love

drowning me, breaking me

my own nature already making my will erode

the stress of living

the stress of managing to live

in a world that makes me horribly sad

and devastatingly honest

the last defense already sliding

breaking

failing

in the hurricanes of everyday life

There’s something about the way baby blue makes me feel. Like maybe I could make something out of myself, like maybe there’s somebody out there who breaks themselves like I break myself. There’s something about baby blue that takes the edge off of the vignettes of everyday life. Something about baby blue that makes me smile to myself, not quite the way that a kid smiles at a candy store, but more the way that a cancer patient smiles when the medicine starts to work. Baby blue makes me think I can defy the odds stacked against me, the premeditated stereotypes that are probably true, the bloodshot eyes and the spinning kaleidoscope of unwanted youth.

There’s something about baby blue that makes everything look like it’ll live a longer than it will.

I'm so sorry you had to see me this way

my room's a wreck

my heart is worse

I'm sorry you had to see me this way

the smell of cotton candy

lingers

in the smoke of my mind

I'm sorry you had to see me this way

there's still mud on my converse

from last night

and the night before

I'm sorry you had to see me this way

but the world turns

and smart, promising Freshman

become depressed teenagers

who apologize too much

It’s probably harder to understand who you are then where you are sometimes. Take me, for instance. Somwhere between the plots of Dove and This Side Of Paradise, wondering in the dark forest straight from Frost’s poetry. It’s supposed to be charmed, the life of middle class American kids. We’re supposed to hate our parents and smoke Mary Jane and have the freedom to do those things. But all my friends smoke while I turn the pages of As I Lay Dying, and the world turns, and suddenly I don’t know how to look at anything anymore. The blurred lines of what I expected are becoming less and less prevalent, and I don’t want them anymore. I don’t want the expectation, the drugs, the self-hatred, the anger, the sadness. I just want to be myself, without so many walls.

I supoose its kind of funny the way the human condition works. We sort of define ourselves as a whole person, different shards or traits combining into this mass of personality, in which we live and thrive and make decisions based on. There's all these questions we ask ourselves and we force ourselves to answer. Who am I? What do I enjoy? What do I not enjoy? What am I good at? Well, to be perfectly honest, we never really do answer those questions. We simply do things. Maybe you're not good at math, maybe you're from Alabama, maybe you really enjoy pancakes. Sure, that's all valid, but that's not who you are. Who you are has no perameters, has no limits. We change constantly. We constantly defy stereotypes, we constantly develop new skills. Becuase we are capable of making mistakes, of screwing up, we are also capable of learning. And because we are capable of learning we are capable of everything.