Life doesn’t always go as per plan; I thought I’d still be with you. Sadly, that’s not the case. Sometimes, even still there are days that I just think about you constantly and I know that you don’t think of me in the same manner.

It’s practically insane…

Maybe it’s because I’ve never stopped loving you.

No matter how much I’ve denied it, and fought it.

You have absolutely no idea how much you’ve impacted my life. You’re the reason I am the person I am today. I used to be a shy, innocent, girl full of endless laughter and afraid of the smallest things even though I could have faced the biggest obstacles with a meek smile and determination. Now what am I? I am a complicated, sophisticated, beautifully broken mess. I used to think I’d wait until marriage for sex, I wouldn’t drink until 21, and also I started smoking cigarettes to get the taste of you out of my mind. Though, I don’t blame you for my innocence gone. I’m happy it’s gone. I’m no longer naive with thoughts of a perfect life growing up. You’re just about the only one who knows the real me, honestly I like it. Here’s why:

You scare me.

Because I tell you things I cannot even admit to myself.

I could go on forever about everything about you, the memories I’ve tried to bury but the more I try, the more they tend to stick out in my mind. You’re ultimately like a drug to me, you make me feel high off life but at the same time the withdrawal is torture. If I could pick my poison, I’d pick you. You’re the perfect drug; you make me high with even typed words sent across satellites in the sky appearing on a dim phone screen illuminating my dark bedroom in the dead of night. To this day I will never understand how you have this sort of power over me. As the reader of this oh-so incredulous tale that is heartbreak, you’re probably wondering how I ended up here.

The day I met his acquaintance the only thing I noticed were his ever-changing eye colors; from bright blues, to greens with flecks of yellow. I have never met anyone with such pulchritudinous and bewitching eyes. We were messing around with a group of mutual friends; I jokingly took his cell phone and put in my phone number with hearts and winky face emojis. Little did I know, that was the start of the best, and worst heat filled summer of my life. He texted me that night, I was a bit surprised. He was so outgoing; I was so… well not so outgoing. In the next upcoming days we explored the city on the end of the year class trip. Continuously sneaking away from his guides and groups to be in mine, I’m honestly amazed that he wasn’t sent back to the bus/hotel because of it. Funny pictures on slide phones, swapped sunglasses (yes he took my Minnie mouse ones in place of his mirrored aviators), exchanged texts, shared drinks, tons of laughing until you had to check if you had abs yet, because it felt like you just worked out for 4 hours straight.

He just did something to me that no one ever had before. He made me feel so wanted; as the famous Rihanna says “you make me feel like, like I’m the only girl in the world.”