a letter I’ll never send
so when I saw your arms latched around her waist the entire night, I wasn't surprised. I mean yes, for a second my stomach dropped and I thought I could actually hear my heart crack (like the sound your shoes make when you break through a layer of ice into the soft snow underneath.) but I wasn't surprised.
Solitary
It's a feeling of contentment. I sit with thoughts and calmness and coffee. The silence roars as the words pour through my soul into my work. It's a way to find that lost piece of my self, the one that is stolen and trampled daily. It's my peaceful time. I walk with the breeze and the whispers of promise. I plan and list my life, both now, and after. I cry. For the lost words, the lost time, the lost me. But that's alright. I'll stand tall and brave. I soldier on through regimental tasks you have set for me, though they dampen my creative, free spirit. I will fly when you're not here. I soar above the horizon looking down at the beauty of life. My life. I dream my future, and ink the present. You say insecure, introvert, social awkwardness. I remain silent, lost in the world of my own creation. I talk to whom I want, I go where I want, and I sing my words by pen to the world. It's just I can't abide you. And I learned to love my own counsel and companionship. My friends understand. My world is colored differently and the brightness overtakes me. I turn my face to the warm sun and breathe. Mindful, inspired. I believe in me.
Table set for two
The table is always set for two.
I still can remember how you liked to arrange the food on your plate.
As the rat-pack sings it reminds me of your laugh and I wish I could watch you dance just once more.
The days come and go but I remain in darkness. You were the sun that helped me see the beauty of life.
The table is always set for two but I don't light a candle anymore. I still play our records but it's getting harder to remember your laugh.
In my dreams I watch you dance but I can't dance with you. I wake up and reach for you at night. I still cook for you and arrange the food the way you like.
Moving on means forgetting and I refuse to forget. So always the table is set for two.
It Was Always You
I know I should not allow you to crawl under my skin. I know I should not not allow you to seep into my bloodstream and take over my heart. I know I should have moved on by now because, let's face it, you're never coming back.
But I can't stop.
I can't keep myself from fighting back to you through the dirt and grime you left me in. I cannot quit finding my way back to you because you are it. You are everything I ever wanted or needed, but you made your choice.
You chose her.
I told myself I would let you go once you made your decision, but it's not that simple. You see, I made my decision years ago, and now I have to change it. I have to persuade my heart to leave you behind just as you left me behind.
It was always you.
