Tonight is a difficult one.

I’m tired and I’m hurting. I left the house out of sheer restlessness and I’ve no desire to go home. I’m drained but, as of late, I’ve rarely been able to sleep for more than four hours at a time.

It’s starting to wear on me, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried.

.... ..

#journal

#streamofconsciousness

#depression

#livingwithdepression

dear adam,

they find you with

your head blown out

down by the pond where

your step dad likes to fish.

the gravel has your bone fragments

and

blood spatter and

brains scattered in it

like the tree in front of you with

the buckshot of your

test fire:

nobody stopped the boy with

the shotgun and the

lawn chair and the

melted butterfinger on

the sidewalk.

so, now, in the low dust

your cracked cellphone.

remnants of

your last meal:

a butterfinger wrapper.

it’s a good neighborhood.

sorry for stealing your shirts.

you’re in that lawn chair --

the one you carried under your arm through the whole

good neighborhood (it’s

a good fucking neighborhood) --

with your neck bent back

and you’re slumped slightly to the side.

you could be sunbathing:

asleep in the

sweet, oklahoma spring,

down by that funny, secret pond

in the center of all the houses

with the flowers all in bloom

in the low, electric buzz of

butter yellow sunshine

but

your brother’s hunting

shotgun: the mossberg.

When words are hindered worry with her

Step inside the silence, enter

The minds entranced abyss

All I ever wanted was more of this

Withstand the pleasure, never let her

Leave without the best, you better

Sever your selfish needs

And love until you bleed

But something has come to numb me

I’m nothing but succumbing

To what it is I’ve done

To what I’ve been running from

And someone has come to kill me

And I’m flooded with the feeling

Of what I have become

What have I now become?

Persistent nudges on your gut

Like nails clawing on your heart

Like whispers that condemn inside your head-

Like words that do not go

Like tears that dare flow

Like stares that pierce your soul

Like hands-

On your neck

Gripping the exhilarating rope-

Your self hatred never shows

But clings to you wherever you go

Inside, where no one's allowed to go-

Inside, where its roots grow-

There, it lays its home.

With gems and charms, a dozen silk and velvet horizons gave the greatest sculptor of the atom a scene so aesthetically conclusive after millions of centuries of finishing touches.

the final rise of this masterful Sun deepens with passionate point of views.

The beautiful red hair of dusk’s final moments quietly spark life into the brightest light disguised in darkness. The grace of this light, the Moon, saves the sanity of the eternal night’s infinite fear of colorless death.

Beauty and Light were as much hidden as they were seen and seemed —and out of love for Mother Earth and the infinity of the Universe, Day & Night compromised each other’s arrival and departure.

Gemnah Maley Bray

I am eternally grateful for your influence in my life. You are a beautiful soul, with such a kind heart for others. The sentiment that I hold dearest to my heart was in an article sent to me by you- It is to be your own sun- to establish within yourself an unwavering competency to be at peace with the particular way in which the world revolves around us out of our control. I often pray with a hopeful heart that you and my mother can find peace in overcoming your heartaches and have an opportunity to experience the love I know you have for one another. However, if that chance never comes, I pray you find contentment in knowing every mistep of you life was made for the purpose of teaching your daughters daughter how to grow and live better in this world. I love you I love you I love you.

I’m putting pen to paper

Writing my mind in red

Stopping every so often to

Crack my chest cavity open again the only way I can reach my precious red ink straight from my fiercely pumping organ,

the only thing that assures me that I am still alive

but do my written words speak for me properly?

Can those who read it hear my voice speaking, pleading, whispering, screaming?

Your enchantress of plenty,

I’m a demon of dreams.

My serpent tongue hidden

Behind alluring extremes.

You'll find no redemption

In the bane of my kiss

While the tempt of my caress

Leaves you drifting in bliss.

You're flying high on my touch

And craving my plague

As my toxins disgorged

Teach you to beg.

Laced sweet from my lips,

My venom will blind

As my saccharine tongue

Poisons your mind.

Depraved with desire

And ensnared in my web

You’re selling your soul

For the flow and the ebb.

Now, damned with the rest

For these affections you crave.

You will chase my seduction

Straight to your grave…

#poetry #succubus #isitgettingscaryyet

You get really jealous when your best friend spends too much time with her boyfriend at 12.

You jokingly call Buffy the Vampire Slayer hot at 13.

Someone explains the concept of platonic girl crushes at 14.

A girl sits in your lap in class one day and you like it too much at 15.

You try making out with every guy you can get your hands on at 16.

You prove you're not a pussy by kissing a girl on a dare at a party at 17.

You drunkenly experiment [cheat on your boyfriend] with your best friend first semester of college at 18.

So you admit you're bi at 19.

You remember how your mom was so happy you weren't boy crazy like all the other girls at 11.

And how you kept watching the third Harry Potter because Emma Watson's boobs looked so good on the cover at 10.

And that you've been wearing cargo shorts and flannels since you were 9.

And you started wearing boxers at 8.

And you wanted to be a boy at 7.

And your parents learned to ask for the Hot Wheels and not the Polly Pocket in your Happy Meals by age 6.

And you remember crying because you were different from all the other girls but didn't know how or why at 5.

And that's as far back as your memory goes so you decide you either turned gay at 4 or you were born this way.

#gay #lesbian #bisexual #LGBT #comingout #bornthisway