there's a painting

by Vincent van Gogh

of a bar all in reds and yellows

a master work

before 90's hip hop could be blasted

into the eardrums of clientele

they say he painted his best work

in a psychiatric hospital

in two years

where he was self-admitted

just like in a dive bar

it's important to know

when you've had enough

and you need to decompress

inside what will be

infamous

“Howdy?”, “Hey?”, “Hello?”

Jesus, no, no, no!

Too youthful, too casual, too slow.

Is my hair alright?

Is my top too tight?

Check my teeth. Do my eyes mask fright?

Is the bus running late?

Do you think she’ll hate

My daft laugh and my clumsy gait?

“You I’m here to see?”

Christ, she’s talking to me.

Throat dries up, shuffle nervously.

“Will we take this booth?”

“Are you getting food?”

Am I chatting about what I should?

Am I chewing enough?

Or is this too much?

Should my eyes be on hers, further up?

I collapse in bed,

Breathe, pulse in my head.

Lie awake hating everything I said.

“So, how was last night?

Was your date alright?”

My friends crowd around, eyes bright.

Then I strangely find,

That to her I'd been blind.

Did I like her? Who knows? Never mind.

here’s a token

of appreciation

it’s good for 2

hours of radiation ablation.

your soul is poison

and your blood is cancer

you’re no hell of a ball

and the ugliest of dancers

I’m harsh and I’m sorry that

this is really the best you deserve

at least you got to meet me

that’s the most you’ll ever earn

anger

ignites

with

fire

what

the

flame

itself

would

rather

have

extinguished

-15 words needed

it's funny

the stigma

around some

diseases

some inspire

sympathy

some will stay

family secrets

are you one

of those

people

who leaves

when it's

convenient

I’m a gingerbread woman

that is still raw

in the center

I’m the plants that

turn brown

even as they’re watered

I’m that plane that crashed

into a house

in San Diego county

and when I read this poem

at an open mic

I’m here

I’m trying

I’m more than

metaphors and analogies

what have you lost?

she asks

a typical

therapist question

let’s start with my self-respect

a blender and kitchen utensils

my ability to purchase firearms

a reliance on panic medication

and people I called friends

but that was just in my head

I don’t admit much

to paid professionals

because believe or not

there are wrong answers

to that question

she said

I feel like

you just let

life happen

to you

so I

got on

a plane

and somewhere

over Colorado

I started talking

to someone

and realized

I could be anyone