you had it.

their trust.

and your own.

everything was perfect, the drinks were flowing, the spikes were sharp

the test was easy, and you were making them proud.

but, you've lost faith in yourself again, haven't you.

the last medal to your collection is only a few months old but it feels like a lifetime ago.

when you're consistent, you don't know how good you're doing until you stop.

you can't see your own progress.

but now they look at you and they're unsure of when you'll perform again.

"oh, she used to be so good.

she used to have this shine that just pulled you in close,

she used to be so sure of herself."

now she can hardly make eye contact with people in the grocery store.

it's gotten bad.

do they make medals for trying?

for a while,

you had me thinking,

"maybe?"

"is this...right?"

"did i pass?"

and all the while

you were just Thinking

"silly girl...silly her"

"she'd do anything to please me"

"she thinks i have rules...how cute"

cause you knew the whole time.

and still Did that...

you just Didn't Actually Care.

asshole.

sitting with your

smirk (!)

and your

silence.

never wanting to explain yourself.

never wanting to reveal your true identity.

always hiding. always watching.

you creep.

and now i know

to listen

if my stomach hurts

when you walk up to me.

It shows up.

It shows up even when you can’t see it.

It shows up through what we do, even when we aren’t aware we’re doing it.

It shows up in our clothes, in our words to other people, in our choices, in our habits.

It shows up in the colors we like and the colors we don’t. It shows up in our brothers and their brothers, too. It shows up in the way we step into the rain without an umbrella and it shows up in the way we jump feet first into the puddle in tall boots.

It shows up with our smirks, our selections of things and how we say hello and the times we choose to say thank you. It shows up even when we don’t. It shows up on the screen and it shows up invisibly. It shows up quietly and it shows up loud. It shows up when you need it to. It shows up.

It shows up.

It shows.

There was history in ballet

before you ever put on pointe shoes.

There was history in writing

before you ever picked up a pen.

There was history in language

before you ever spoke.

There was history in This hallway

before you ever walked through it.

you get that numb feeling

it slowly sinks in

they don't care, they don't care,

they never did

maybe what they said

maybe a word or an expression on their face

made it seem like they cared

like you did

and you clung to that word so heavily

that you molded it into a sort of strap you could hang from and

roll it around in your hands until it felt smooth

smooth and reassuring

don't worry, they do care

they're just b u s y right now

they're just t i r e d

they're just w o r k i n g

Sometimes, silence is also an answer.

It took me some time to understand this, waiting and waiting and waiting for that time where my "perfect" person would finally realize that they were also in love with me and everything would work out the way I wanted it to in my head.

I was in the middle of a depressive episode when I realized that A) that person I was waiting on to text me was never going to say the words I wanted to hear from them an B) if they ever did, it would be too late. Yes, of course the chemistry was wonderful. Yes, the way that they laugh when they're drunk is adorable. And yes, I would carry a box of heavy books down the stairs for them at night to their car simply because I thought it was ~romantic~. But, as my friend helped me to see, if they cause you more pain than happiness, they aren't worth your time. Period. I know this post is slightly cringy and will be embarrassing for me in about two weeks but right now, if anyone out there needs to read this, I hope it reaches you.

Stop waiting for them.

Cause they aren't sitting by their phone waiting to hear from you.

I'm sorry, but it's the truth.

I know I'm never going to get a text back from you and that's okay.

I just wanted to text you to see how you're doing.

Hear your laugh another time, listen to one of your famous stories

and I don't give the best hugs because you do

and I don't give the best advice because you do

and right now you'd tell me to eat a snack and let it work itself out

I just wonder how, such a beautiful person can be gone

I don't really know how to write a song, I was just hoping

you'd be there tonight to talk about life with me

And I know you didn't mean to leave

but I was just ready to go when we got the news

had to choose but we were miles from you

in bed with all those various machines

But I know you didn't mean to leave

you just got places to be, people to see

Laughing with everyone you meet

They couldn't keep you down, busy with jet plane energy

you've got places to be, people to see

Flight attendant of the century

I'll always see you in my dreams

I know the three of you are laughing like old pals again

And I'll love you from right here, don't forget me

don't forget me, don't forget me

cause I know that you have places to be, people to see

hey J it's time to leave

places to be, people to see

there's other people here visiting

I just wish you'd answer me

when I joke and say your hair looks great

but I got too scared to say it outloud

so I said I love you and I left

knowing that I'm never going to get a text back from you, and that's okay.

"Are you always this difficult?"

"Are you always this persistent?"

"I do happen to have a gorgeous woman in front of me right now, you can't expect me to just stand here...hands in my pockets...doing nothing."

"Why do you HAVE to kiss me, though?"

"Well, no, I don't HAVE to do anything. I want to kiss you, to hold you, snuggle up with you on the couch while you slowly scootch closer to me because you're scared of invading my space. I want you here with me, in this apartment, in that cat sweater and those jeans and boots, looking all awkward and cute. It's so adorable when you try to be mad."

"I'm not mad."

"Uh huh. Well I'm convinced."

"I just...don't like that you make me feel things."

"Oh gosh, I make her feel things. How horrible."

"I'm just not...used to that."

"You mean you aren't comfortable with that."

"Sure."

"And it scares you that you might actually like me."

"Sure."

"Because at any given moment I could break your heart and you wouldn't be prepared and you don't want to feel that kind of pain again."

"...Yeah"

"So you're not even gonna give me a chance to like you back? That's so unfair."

"No, I will, I just need-"

"Me to kiss you."

"Brandon-"

"Right now."

"But-"

"Jenn?"

"Yes?"

"Please do me a favor and shut up."