I saw
I was a little black girl, blind and free
colour was just colour and humans were human.
The world looked so free, but I didn't notice the chains
The people so happy, but I didn't see the tears.
The world to me was mixed
The world to me was human.
Growing up, I was blind but my vision cracked colour was mixing and I was wondering,
The people spoke in tongues
The world was moving, her chains were loud my head hurt too much. My eyes were opening. The sun burnt.
While I was growing up the world appeared to me, the chains still invisible, my eyes half open. The colours ruining?
My whole life I was black. I knew blackness, naturalness, freedom, black was strong, running through my veins and my earth.
The soil looked like me, the beaches looked like me, the people looked like me. The sun embraced me, hued me darker, kissed me deeply.
As I grow up… I know I am black. I notice I am black. I am black… African American they call black.
No.
I am black, blood of blackness, skin in love with the burn of the sun. I see colour, they see poison. Tainting their starkness. Their possession. Thieves of a nation. Liars of history. Black makes sense. Black is me. Black doesn't ruin, it enhances. The richness of our roots.
I'm considered grown. The world is diverse, the chain rattle around her. Thick black bulky metallic restrains. Rusted from centuries of enslavement. She bleed black, cried white, hurt coloured and prayed mixed.
I am grown… they say. Coloured, and black. I can never save her, for she gave her life for us.
Once I was blind. Then I saw colour. I loved the mix, now I question my sight and pray for blindness. As a child I saw only black being black and colours beside it. Now, I see the ruined, the mixed, the coloured. The black.
I fear the light for it shuns sight on us. But I adore the darkness for it cloaks me with my colour.
I was blind. I see blurred. I cry for earth, cause she felt all.
Let it in.
Breathe...
Just breathe
Do you hear that?
Silence...
Keep your eyes closed.
Don't think. Do. Not. Think.
Feel the quiet,
The vacancy in the air
The soft momentous vibrations in the air.
Be one.
Don't worry...
It won't harm you.
Let it take you—allow it to sway you.
Make it join with your soul.
Don't run from the darkness.
Because in a moment... It will be you.
Chapter 1 Invitation to the circus
How does the sun always manage to find just the perfect angle to aim at you from? And to bug you just enough and make your skin feel like it's beginning to burn?
Why is that? I sighed, shifting in my seat, tugging at my hoodie to cover my hip--since the sun was fond of that one specific part of my anatomy.
The clock in the class had broken and was forever stuck at 2:30. The death of this clock had made me very happy--for two seconds, until I realize that the rhythmic ticking was absent in the silent presence of the classroom.
My teacher buzzed on about the chapter that the class was supposed to read, but obviously didn't, and now everyone was being hounded for answers... All of which I knew, since I took to reading two chapters ahead and rose my hand several times to answer until I was told not to. Me being the 'smartass' caused the entire class to be punished, but the glares and scolds didn't faze me. Needless to say, I couldn't care less.
I waited, waited for the clock that was never going to tick again to finally be the right time that it was stuck on throughout the day. I played with a troublesome curl that refused to stay in place as I waited for the day to be over.
"Alice?" I glanced up, eyes searching the clear gray eyes of my teacher as she smiled.
"Yes Miss."
"Are you feeling alright? You've been awfully quiet."
"I know, I've been listening. I read ahead." she smiled again and nodded.
"Okay, just checking. See class, you all should take Alice's method and read the chapters before this class." she turned back to the board and her lecture and I went back to ignoring the glares of annoyed classmates and murmuring voices of pissed off girls.
School to me wasn't as hard as everyone complained it was. I shook my head in thought of how annoying the prattling of lazy students was about school being hellish. It really wasn't--not unless you're totally ignoring the lesson and focusing on other things aside from learning.
But like me, I read ahead, and study. I try to self understand the how's and why's of a new uncharted chapter. But then again, not everyone had my mentality.
My vision started to drift off, everything getting fuzzy before the prideful bell rang out freedom.
I awoke instantly. I grabbed my packed bag, as the teacher dismissed us with a reminder of our homework assignment being due next week. I smirked and pulled out the paper from my textbook. I zipped up my hoodie to my neck and jogged to her desk before anyone had the time to answer her, and presented her the paper. I brushed away the feel of glares and scowls as she looked up at me and nodded in approval, I nodded back as she took it and smiled, but there was something to her smile that caught me. "You are such a good student. This feels like an A+, plus an credit for reading ahead and being attentive and also handing in your assignment before time."
I smiled. "Thanks so much, see you next week." I said, as I started walking off.
"Don't have too much fun!" she shouted after me. I chuckled and bent down the hall. I pulled out my cell, happy to see that I was finally free to enjoy my weekend. I melded into the sea of students as I made my way in the opposite direction of their freedom. Olicity had gym, so she was probably in the locker room and I was currently asking Maky where she was.
The halls were already almost empty as I walked with my head down, typing out a text to Olicity asking her if I should go out to the parking lot to wait or to just meet her at the locker room.
Digital distractions were always a problem for a lot of people, but to me they were a trap meant to hold me until I was pulled back into reality, or until I was knocked and fell back into it... Because, that is exactly what happened. My body collided with something hard enough to throw me back, my equilibrium screaming as the floor neared my butt. I braced for impact, eyes shut and phone clinched in my fist for dear life.
After two seconds of realizing that the ground and I hadn't made ourselves properly acquainted yet, I opened my eyes and froze. A sudden heat searing into my back where a large palm was pressed against my skin where my hoodie had ridden up--the favored target for the sun. The warmth of the contact was spreading heat all over my flesh as my eyes stared back into deep blue irises. My heart was doing ninety miles per hours as my lungs refused to properly circulate air into my body. I was stunned, not knowing what to do or how to even form proper thoughts to explain my embarrassment. Pink plump lips curled into a smirk, I bet they were as soft as they looked. While I was distracted he stood me straight, still holding me close to his solid chest. "Hey shy girl, cat got your tongue?" and to make his question even cuter he stuck out the tip of his tongue, squinting an eye slightly and snickered softly.
My face surely changed hues of colour as I blushed, my body burning--helplessly trapped against him as I fought for sweet sanity. "Are you going to say something?" he seemed puzzled, but I couldn't understand why. He seemed in a much better position than I... so what caused it? I was thinking of an excuse to my sudden silence when his hand cupped my cheek and I nearly lost consciousness before shaking myself out of it and gripping his wrist, halting his actions. His blue eyes were lazy, but held concern. "You sure you okay? You're turning red..." he noted, then his face changed, "a--are you blushing. Huh? Come on, you can tell me. I promise, I won't tell a soul." my stomach felt weird, like it was going to escape me if I didn't escape him. His voice was husky and his body against mine was distracting, his eyes refused to look away from mine, his aroma was enticing, all manly mixed in with sweetness--making me want to press my nose into his collar and inhale him until I was tipsy off his scent... and I think I'm getting dizzy. "Hey," his arm tightened around my waist, fingers pressed against my skin firmly, and I swore if I didn't focus I'd truly faint. "You look dazed. Do you wanna go to the nurse?" oh no, why is he so nice? I gulped and forced myself to shake my head. Side to side, good girl. Now, he just looked confused. Oh God, I think I broke him.
"Ca... can you let me go please." I could barely hear my voice but I hoped to every God out there that he did. I waited for a second until I felt his arm slowly slipping away, fingers no longer on my skin. The warmth still seared into my flesh; some part of me wanting to whine as the heat fell away as the other part of me cheered in relief. His hands dropped from my skin, the burning no longer there and his lovely scent no longer pulling me in. "So you're okay?"
I nodded then felt buzzing and realized that my friends were waiting on me. Shit! I didn't care to look at his beauty once more before I brushed past him, racing for my original destination before running into him.
"Hey, I didn't get your name." I didn't turn back, I ran, ran away from the blue eyed distraction.
~ ~ ~
I hurried to the parking lot, head down as I ran over what happened in my head. How had he managed to make me more speechless than I normally was? What is it about him that made me feel so many crazy feelings? I huffed out as I tightened my grip on the straps of my backpack.
I looked up to see Maky leaning against a car as she talked with Olicity. I inhaled deeply and walked over to meet them. "Hey hey."
"Alice, what the heck--where were you?" Olicity snapped.
I gulped, debating whether I should tell them or lie my tongue off... "You're not answering." she pressed. Lying my tongue off it is.
"I really had to use the restroom, think something upset me at lunch. Sorry."
"You could have called." she said matter-of-factly.
Maky shoved her shoulder. "Stop talking to her like that. She was handling her business and we were waiting. It's not like you're busy to go home and study." Olicity puffed out her cheeks at Maky in annoyance, knowing she was right. Maky arched a brow in challenge. I looked at Olicity as she backed down with a flip of her dark curls.
"Sorry Ali, I just broke up with Devon today." she said.
"Oh Lici, I'm so sorry." I smiled playfully. Wanna hug?" I asked. I opened my arms for her and waited as she walked into them. She sighed and hugged me back. I rubbed her back in comfort. She pulled back and smiled. "You're such a sweetheart."
"Okay, okay, enough with the love fest, you broke up with a jerk who cheated, you do not need to mourn that loss." Maky pulled Olicity away and slung an arm over her shoulder. "Oh Ali, Lici wanted to ask you something." she smirked.
Olicity glared at her before looking back to me. "So, Preston Gere is throwing a huge before spring break party tonight—since it's almost spring break and I was invited so do you wanna be my plus one—oh and I'm planning to meet up with Terry from Spanish class and Jenna from another class."
I stared at her. Why did she want me to come. I don't really get invited to parties often. Especially big parties like Preston's. "Uh... Are you going Maky?"
"No, I gotta babysit my little cousin and my sister. My parents are gonna be busy with my aunt and uncle this weekend." my happiness fell at her excuse. I would love someone who was as compatible as I there to keep me sane. I looked back at a patiently waiting Olicity and frowned in my head, but smiled for her. "Okay." I shrugged. She yipped in joy and jumped to hug me. "Oof. Okay, okay you're happy, but please don't crush me."
She pulled away and giggled wildly. "Sorry sorry, I'm just so happy, we're gonna have such a fun time." I caught Maky rolling her eyes as she unlocked her car and got into the driver's seat. Olicity joyously bounced to the front seat and I sighed in defeat as I got into the back.
Maky buckled in as she started the car waiting on Olicity and I to do the same. "So... When is the party?"
Olicity laughed hard at me. "You act like you don't know. It's tonight silly. Come on, I'd only ever ask you if it was right around the corner." she scoffed carelessly, brushing me off and pulled out her cell, Maky filled in the tense silence for me byturning on the radio. 'Acquainted' by the weeknd came on and I sunk back into the seat, thinking of ways to not go. I mean it's not like I don't wanna join Lici, I just don't know if I want to go.
I fought over whether I should pull back my acceptance to her invite or bare with it and make her happy and join her. I didn't know. Olicity seemed so happy to hear that she was going to have me for the night and she wouldn't have asked if she didn't want me there. I sighed. Olicity was so different from me, she was loud and boisterous, I was quiet and peaceful. She enjoyed doing anything and everything under the sun and I rather stay home with a book or binge watch TV shows, she was confident and flirty... I froze up when a guy who was ever interested smiled. We were different people, cut from different clothes, but still good friends no matter the circumstances. Maky was much more my style, she was chill and simple, the voice for me when I was wordless, the strong one, the one that kept us together, basically our glue we needed to stay friends. To me, being the oddest one out was normal I wasn't like every other high school student and I didn't want to be. I like myself, and I was very satisfied with how I was... Unless I felt like being like Maky since she wasn't as outspoken as Olicity, but wasn't as silent as me.
We were on the way to Olicity's house, since Maky took a different route. We all lived close enough that either of us could walk to the others house, but we rather driving. We all knew how to drive, Olicity just got her permit three weeks ago and Maky can legally drive alone... I... I need to get my learners, but for now I'll stick to my bike or to getting rides from my friends.
"Hey Mak, can we go to Ali's instead?" she asked as she tapped away at her phone.
Maky shrugged. "Sure, why though?"
She looked up this time and watched me through the rear-view and smiled "I wanna see what Ali plans to wear tonight." My face fell... There's a dress code? What, is slutty and loose the theme for the party because from what I've heard about Preston's parties, nudity seems to be a serious re-occurrence. I glanced away from her eye contact and fiddled with a loose hem in my hoodie. I looked out the window as we passed Olicity's house, holding back a sigh.
I didn't feel like dressing up. "Couldn't I just wear something cute and simple, a short pants, a cute tank and a plaid tee? Nothing serious you know." Olicity looked me over with judgmental eyes.
"No..." I frowned.
"Maybe." I pouted sadly.
"Okay we'll see Ali—just relax." she turned back around and I rolled my eyes, pulling my hoodie over my head as I lifted my knees up to hug them at my chest.