I watched as the cars went by, sitting on the front step, wondering what each drivers' story was. There were families plastered with happy faces or upset kids and tired mothers. In my family, something always seemed to be missing, like something wasn't seen.

“Get up Jane, the cars packed, and it's time to go,” my moms' voice boomed. She walked to the car, followed by my brother and sister, all ready to go to the airport. I followed last and sat in the back seat, squished by the luggage. I opened my phone to be blasted by the high brightness for 5 am. Soon enough, we would be in the sky going far away from here, at least temporarily.

I fell asleep for the duration of the car ride and awoke at the airport. We walked in and looked around for my half-brother, who was meeting us there. I have always liked observing people around me, querying what their stories are, why they are leaving Canada, or why they are coming. It was extra busy as it was summer, a time for vacation, and faces seemed to merge as people scurried by. I could not see each face, just the space they took up.

“We found your brother, get up jane. Lily and Jack already joined him to get coffee, hurry up if you want a drink or something” My mom pointed to my older siblings standing in line, the tallest being George, my half brother. I joined them to ask for just an iced coffee, then sat at a little bench I saw close by and put in my earbuds, waiting to be rushed by my mom again. I could not help but wish my dad was here, but that scenario was impossible since we were going to Mexico to spread his ashes. I packed light for the trip, so I had the jar of his ashes in my luggage. His ashes somehow made me feel more connected to him, which made spreading them so bittersweet. My mom started walking towards my direction, followed by my siblings holding their coffee and mine, that's when it happened. She walked past me. She kept walking, looking around frantically until yelling out my name. I was so confused she walked past me did she not notice me? I yelled back, but my voice brought no solution. She turned around and started walking towards me, maybe she did hear me, but instead, she sat next to me on the bench and stared at my luggage.

Not at me, just the luggage, George approached and said: “do you think she went to the bathroom?”

“No.” Her voice was sharp and certain “She must have been taken.”

“Hey, do not jump to conclusions, we can not know for sure, she wanders around sometimes, let's just look for her.” Persisted George

“No” her voice was audibly louder, and she continued “We are going to miss our flight, we have to go, we can alert somebody on our way to the gate.” George looked stunned at my mom's reaction while Lily and Jack seemed almost frightened by her tone. She started to walk away and urged the rest of my family to follow.

“What about her suitcase?” Lily chimed in

“We won't be allowed the extra carryon for just us four, leave it there.” mom replied. I could not begin to grasp my situation, but at least I still had my dad's ashes with me. Why would she leave them behind though they were the whole reason for this trip. Something unsettling was lurking in my family, but I was invisible now. I looked to my arms, once covered in minor imperfections I wish would disappear, now they had entirely disappeared. There was no trace of my being. My shouts were not heard, and my skin was not seen.

“CAN ANYBODY, ANYBODY AT ALL HEAR ME, SEE ME, HELP ME PLEASE” I didn't know what to do but yell.

“JANE?” A voice shouted, it sounded so familiar, it couldn't be, but was it? My dad. There he was in the rolling stones tee and cargo shorts I thought he died wearing. He was in front of me in the flesh, or whatever he was. No one looked at us, no one acknowledged our reunion because no one saw us.

“How can you see me? How can you be here?” I had never thought I would see him again, let alone in these circumstances. “OH MY GOD, DID I DIE” the thought had not even hit me till this moment, did I die, did I lose the memory of my death, is that why only I can see him.

“No, you did not die, neither did I. We’re invisible.” I couldn't believe the words he was saying. “That day in the hospice should have been my last, but your mother found some unreliable website stating how to become invisible for 24 hours. It went on to say while invisible you couldn't die and would have a day of unseen fun. She bought it immediately. I still don't know why she believed such a thing, but I drank the stuff because it gave her hope for another day together. That was a month ago, and while crazy as it is that it worked, it hasn't stopped working, and your mother couldn't hear me like she thought she could when I changed.” I couldn't understand, I lived in a world of black and white no grey space, this should not even be possible. Was this better than him being dead though, to live unseen and invisible, not being able to move on to heaven or hell or whatever is out there?

“Why am I invisible and whose ashes are these?” Those were the two most troubling questions I had.

“That tea you drank last night was meant for your mother. She diluted hers, so you probably didn't tell it was off. As for the ashes, I think your mom was ashamed, that's why she made that tea, to join me and she faked my death. I should be dead, so it must not have been hard, the ashes are just some fake ones she bought." I have been living with a lie, why wouldn't she tell me my dad was alive and was my mom just going to abandon me and turn invisible. No wonder she rushed off so quickly, she knew I was here.

“Does that mean my invisibility will wear off in 24 hours?”

“It should” I couldn't help but smile, 24 hours with my dad, what more could I want? I always felt invisible in my family, so it isn't a hard choice.

“Do you have more?” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a little flask and handed it to me, and I drank it all “So dad, now that we are invisible, what country do you want to visit?”

I’m an anion

Too many electrons controlling me

I’m a dandelion

To some a weed or pretty to a degree

I’m a teenage girl

Clutching earbuds and false reality

Willing to give it a whirl

We only live once best to be carefree

I’m a cassette player

No one uses it but says it’s cool

I’m a brick layer

Given wits as a tool

I’m a flower

So cliche and must wilt away

I ain’t got no power

And cant stop anyone’s decay

#poetry

Twenty-one I think

I’ve always been one to keep up with trends

Latest stores and

Been left with pending friends

Forever 21 brings a new meaning to my life

What they say is true

As you draw your last breath your life flashes before your eyes.

And the red of my blood clashes with the sky of blue

Nineteen

Beauty queen on the streets

See me at the bar then leave with a fee

Dirty money’s made in the sheets

I want a roof over my head

I want acceptance

I want to stop fucking these men

But women are purer that’s why I prefer their presence

Sixteen

“Mom I need to talk to you it’s important”

“What is it, honey”

“I’m scared you won’t accept me”

“I’ll always love you that isn’t funny”

I’m gay.

Her words were all fake

I thought she was processing

Instead, she gave me a lifeless handshake

And a push outside

She locked the door and I haven’t seen her since.

Fourteen

He pushed me with force

He said I asked for this

He said he was teaching me a lesson

This was my first kiss

He was seventeen

I didn’t ask for it

I didn’t want him

That day I quit

Swore off men

Swore off trying

Then I met a girl

Who made the single act of breathing satisfying

Twenty-one

Now I’m here lying

Thinking of the girl

Who made life more than satisfying

My only one love connection

I wish I could kiss her once more

But then as I dropped to the ground I looked to my right

I saw her in front of the drugstore

I saw her dialing on her phone

Yelling my name and location

But it was too late

I bled out in front of that gas station

Smiling

Knowing I had won

one person had loved me

Now I rest forever 21

#poetry #suicide #LGBTQ

Happiness. A trivial word, one that could keep philosophers busy for hours and leave artists interpreting in thousands of ways. Happiness is different for everyone but for me, it is the present. If you had asked me 1 year ago what is happiness I would say, “I’m not quite convinced I’ve ever had true happiness. How can you have something you can’t define.”

If you ask me now I’ll say it’s the present. It’s what fills the atmosphere, it’s the girl next door who makes you blush, it’s family gatherings that make you nervous. It’s the sun, moon, stars and all the space between. It’s the reason we wake up every day, the very illusion of its existence motivates us to find it. Searching for happiness is like that awkward moment when you look for your glasses but they’ve been upon your head the entire time. It’s having stability in your life. I know this because last year I was happy. I could only see it once it was a memory. My dad was alive and his sheer reality brought me happiness, I just didn’t realize it would be different, my dad has passed away and now I know happiness is memories that are being made. I’m happy right now in the sense that I can see what I have. I realized those glasses were upon my head and I’m now looking through them seeing the world clearer than I ever have before.

As he approached the summit of the hill at last, something began to happen. He was not warmer; if anything, he felt more numb and more cold. He was not less exhausted; on the contrary, his steps were leaden, and he could barely move his freezing, tired legs.

But he began, suddenly, to feel happy. He began to recall happy times. He recalled the first moment he walked into the annex, filled with books and unusual items. The first time he received a memory the red sled. Suddenly that same red sled appeared in front of him. He sat inside carefully and held Gabriel close to his chest protecting him yet deep down knowing that it wouldn't matter. He had such a good feeling, he knew he was protected he was ready. He went down the hill slowly but gathering speed, miraculously never hitting anything. He kept going, he was going faster than any memory he had ever experienced. He was creating his own memory, a memory of colour, of weather of unpredictability. He hoped he would be able to pass this memory on with others. Maybe the others he would meet Elsewhere. He began to feel hope spreading across him as if a warm blanket protecting him from the cold that seemed to be consuming him. He was going so fast yet seeing the world in slow motion until it all disappeared. Until everything vanished there was no sled below him. The snow and the cold that was created by it disappeared. He was in a blank room. Everywhere he turned there was nothing like a blank canvas surrounding him. Yet he felt protected. Something about this room felt so familiar. Until he heard the Givers voice. He seemed to say everything was ok by only saying “You're here”

“Where is here” asked jonas still looking around to find the giver.

“This is where people like us go after death.”

“Death!” Jonas questioned “No, no i'm not dead this can't be possible. What about Elsewhere.”

“This is Elsewhere Jonas”

“How is this blank room elsewhere?” questined Jonas.

“It isn’t blank. See beyond.”

Jonas stared around the room confused and concentrated on one spot until it moved. He focused on it until It seemed it had opened. He walked forward in what seemed like clouds until he saw the Giver. He was hugging somebody. It was Rosemary. Jonas could see the resemblance between her and the giver. Jonas looked around and saw colour. He saw nature and holidays and people. People with all different colour eyes. Blue eyes, hazel eyes, green eyes. This was the Elsewhere.

He asked the giver “Where are the other people who have been released?”

“All those who have died without the ability to see beyond like you or have the memories cannot get passed that room that you first came from.” Explained the Giver

“What about People like Larissa and that boys father they’re, they're stuck there? We need to break them out. We need to-”

“That is not possible” Said the giver “But now everyone has the memories so when your friends die you will see them again.”

Jonas felt satisfied with the hope of seeing Fiona and Asher again, and he was ready. He went to explore the Elsewhere.

The hope that lies ahead

Unknown to the bare eye

Only those with a true heart can see

The puffy clouds that fill the light blue sky

The gentle breeze of the wind

The midnight glow

Revealing the twinkling stars

The first puff of snow

Because hope isn't an illusion

It's what fills the atmosphere

It fills our day

It's what's always near

the silent tapping on my windowsill

of the fresh rain dew

I deftly slide my bedsheets down

to step away

and watch the fresh rain dew

tap on my window

There are questions only to be formed by your imagination but claimed to only be answered by science. Why does your life matter? A question so broad to be answered by never the truth. So who am I to to tell you why your life matters, but to assume the bigger picture. Think of a lake, a stone is thrown into the lake which causes ripples to form outward from all directions. That stone is you and the lake is the world. You are born to change the world with your ripple, whether you become famous and influential like Martin Luther King Jr or you’re simply an acquaintance to something greater and influence others to make bold moves which will over time impact the world piece by piece.