I watch as he throws her in the air for the twentieth time

Her giggles escape her mouth as I let out my own breath

I want to grab her and hold her as tight as I can

But I also know that she will be fine

That her dad loves her too

She is safe with him

All I need to do is

just breathe

And

Let

Go.

It’s my drug

My addiction

To be perfect

Smooth skin

Perfect features

Lips eyes hips waist

Traits shoot one after another at a million miles a second

Everything I see is just another hand hold to perfection

To the top of the tower

It’s what I think of as soon as I wake

3,500 calories in a pound

10 pounds in the next month

15 in the next month

20 in the next month

The number on the scale like a carrot in front of a starved rabbit

120

115

108

I need to be skinnier

Lower and lower or my own expectations will kill

Don’t eat

Don’t eat

3,500

One more hour

Only a couple more hours

101

96

95

It’s never enough

I shoot hunger into my veins like heroin

And when I fail

When the numbers crawl back up so does the food I have ate

It crawls from my stomach back into the sewer system

It’s not ENOUGH

I'M NOT

ENOUGH

Perfection

Perfection screams at me

No it’s not perfection screaming it’s my reflection in the mirror

The numbers crawl up

My waist isn’t small enough

Belts layered on belts around my thighs they don’t look right

Around my stomach because it’s not flat

It’s not perfect

I scream and cry as I scroll past picture after picture of edited shit

Perfection

It’s what I fall on my knees for

Perfection is what I kill for

It’s when I don’t sleep because I need to study more I need to take more notes

Over and over until I am the best

But I’m never the best

I’m never number one

And each and every time it kills me

Another failure

Another 45%

How is that possible

Why am I not perfect

I need to be better

And smarter

But it doesn’t help

I am not perfect

I am not perfect in the schools eyes

In my parents eyes

And I beg for God's eyes I plead and bleed to be the perfect daughter

But I am not perfect

I cannot sit still

And submit

Why can’t I just be perfect

I pinch my skin because that isn’t how I should act

I am not acting perfect

I

Am

Obsessed

Obsession kills

Slowly but surely it kills my imperfect soul