His words still ring in my ear; I’ll be back, don’t worry. I can still feel the cold seeping through the soles of my shoes and starting a slow tremor up my body - September never felt so long. I want nothing more than to forget him. To forget those last moments that wake me up, drag me out of bed, and demand a better life for myself. Five years, that’s what I gave him, and he never came back. I watched the moon shift in the sky as the seasons passed and every night I waited at the door bent over and tired from the day before – wishing to forget his promise. I still see his smile; I feel his arms, I remember every single second.

When he got the call that they were transferring him to a new station my heart dropped. I wanted it to be the end. I didn’t want to drag on the inevitable, but he wouldn’t let me go. He still won’t let me go.

I met someone new, three years and two months later to be exact. He was warm, funny, and careful. He never made a single decision without weighing the possible outcome. I always knew what was going to happen because every moment was planned out. He was patient with me for just under a year, but a week before the one-year mark I heard a car pull into the driveway and from a deep sleep I was suddenly awake and stumbling out the bedroom into the hall and out into the yard half naked with tears streaming down my face. There was no one there.

The sudden reality that I was still in love with another man ended my relationship in less than a week. As he packed his things and loaded up his car, he looked at me with the sincerest apologetic look he and said, Goodbye.

All I ever wanted was for him to say goodbye.