City of Immortals
The couch holds my weight,
but poorly, sinking under the
excess drink between my bones.
My leg droops. Foot tapping
at the floor and the pinch of couch cushions
doesn't hold me up, anymore.
The cold bottle has grown warm in my fingers
but the ceiling doesn't change as long as I stare at it
and the crack stares back.
It's raining.
A rivulet of escaping water
hurries across my basement apartment floor.
Everything's escaping from me
these days. The case doesn't help.
The impossible case.
Not a single trace in a city where
everything is pencil, drawing lines.
I've gone back and back and back to the database
searching faces
reading pasts
(more than I needed to, getting lost in people's stolen stories)
(but I never look at my own file anymore)
and there's nothing.
Not a crumb of DNA or a single lingering
whiff of
who they might have been;
they've erased themself.
I chase a ghost and find myself
pretending I don't envy them.
Oh, to disappear.
To dust, to dust, we all die in the end
but I can never die when my
entire existence has been catalogued and chronicled.
They've created, with their surveillance,
a city of immortals.
I know I'm listed as depressed
and maybe that's why I've wrapped myself
in this impossible job, a last ditch
to fall into so I can pretend to die;
a shroud of empty searching,
except—
Something tickles at my mind
and I almost wonder if I'll run away.
The light flickers like a firefly, on and off,
and threatens an ending, but
I don't know if I can survive another
success
that doesn't,
in the end,
change
anything.
I'd rather be a moth in the darkness
than chase the moon and find an artificial light.
But the blinding bulb calls and
drink in hand
I keep fluttering flickering towards it.
But I'm good at my job.
Sometimes I pretend I didn't
wish I was a failure so I could
wallow in peace. But
I know I'm good at this.
Even in the impossible cases,
I smell something.
An elegant killer that leaves
a trace of perfume,
a footstep that never touches the ground and yet,
I can almost make out footprints in the air.
What's the easiest way to be invisible? I mutter
into my glass and the liquid answers,
don't exist at all.
They asked me to find the murderer.
An invisible, untouchable force that kills and leaves
nothing behind; a wound with no knife;
a scream cut off as body hits floor
with such impossible weight, because death
is heavier than a body.
And a mind, alive, is lightest of all;
so light it floats and drips away like rain
leaking across a basement floor.
To be seen keeps us sane but
to be watched
might kill us.
My body already so heavy on the couch.
When I close my eyes, that's all that changes.
I was dead already.
Surrender
Let me tell you a secret. I've burned ten drafts of this piece. I've put it in a pipe and smoked it dry. The smell lingers like burning rubber on top of road kill. I can't write. Not to save my life. They say write every day. I do and my computer begs me to leave the delete key be. The backspace button gets punched more than my ego. I surrender to the little voice that says, it's not good. Get drunk. Do drugs. Do anything more productive than this. It's masochistic, it hurts but I don't stop. I look in the mirror and see nothing but a vanilla flavored puddle, an identity crisis that surely everyone else can see. I think of cars on the streets of San Francisco, being broken into with smashed windows. The metaphor for lost souls. Have you ever tried being yourself in a crowded room? If you've ever looked at your hands and wondered what they're attached to, this one's for you.
The Valley
Small hands grasp at fraying rope. Tiny cries tumble through frigid air. I reach out for the emaciated frame dropping down the cliffside. She screams. I watch. She crashes. I sob. I think to run. She is gone, and the thought of her crumpled body is too much to bear. The cold wind whispers to me and robs me of doubt. Go, it insists. Fate follows down the mountain trail.
The moon, ambivalent. Mockery and encouragement are for me alone to find. I take my descent through darkened trees, whiplashed by the reluctant foliage. I know what I've seen. What I believe to be true. The wind cares little for my inconsistencies.
My splitting shoes skid on the bulging rock face as it bleeds into browning grass. A contorted figure shudders amidst the wilting wildflowers. The breeze moves softly, arrogant in its perceptiveness, and pushes me toward the jutting angles.
Bloodshot hazel eyes flash open at my arrival. The little girl gasps with stolen life, and tugs at my dress with a stained yet unbroken hand. I lean down, and as our sister cheekbones graze together in the moonlight, she whispers her desires into my frozen ear. Silently, I think her to be a fool. Breathlessly, she implies that I am one.
I lift her body into my arms and imagine myself a mother carrying her young to bed. Icy earth crunches beneath my weighted feet. The moon shrinks behind a slender, viscous cloud, reluctant in its illumination. Mountains guard us on each side, urging me to walk with purpose. The child rests her head upon my shaking breast and watches me closely, blind faith reflected behind her drooping eyelids.
The wind ceases, and spares us a moments free of its knowing chill.
gender is joy
it's often taken and turned
told that it hurts
that it's killing people
condemning children
but the only real pain
is the insistence of it
you want to convince me
that it's terminal
that it's contagious
that it's ruining me
when it is me
the cross-dressing
the butterfly clips
and body hair
and makeup
and elegance
and roughness
it's all me
i am infinite
how could i only nurture
how could i only hunt
when there's such beauty in both
i contain dualities, contradictions,
multitudes and endless change
i am a boy and a girl
a fuckery of inbetweenness
and stunning confusion
i cross from parts of myself to the other
joyfully and understandingly
i am such a gentle boy
and such a ferocious young girl
gender has brought me compassion
for myself and the conflicts of life
i love my friends and the way we exist
there is nothing wrong with us
i love gender
Book Announcement!!!
I published a poetry collection!
This has been in the making for well over a year, and I'm so so proud of how it turned out. If you like my poetry/my writing please do me a favor and check my book out or share this announcement!
Link:
Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1387509802
Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/phoenix-mind-sadie-rhoff/1142788725
Lulu com: https://www.lulu.com/shop/sadie-rhoff-and-celia-wang/phoenix-mind/paperback/product-n4zmme.html
About the book:
Phoenix Mind, Sadie N. Rhoff’s debut poetry collection, is an exploration of how to love: from first love to daydream love to upending the very idea of love itself.
This book is the culmination of lots of experiences that I've had, about trying to fall in love, about not being sure what love is, about self-love and figuring out what love means to me.
Acknowledgements:
I can't possibly share this book without mentioning some of the people here on Prose that made it come into reality. @TeaRise was the first person who convinced me that I should publish my writing, and that it was worth publishing. @Danceinsilence has always been an inspiration as well as a resource--one of the first things I did was seek out his publishing guide here on Prose. @Mnezz is always so encouraging, and such a ray of sunshine, and whose feedback continues to motivate me to keep writing. And @anarosewood has been so, so supportive through this whole process, as well as a huge inspiration. And a shout out to @coldfront @JesseEngel @zoe_eee @JimLamb @deathetix @Finder and @Ata who all offered support/suggestions about the book in a post so old you've probably all forgotten about it... :D
I never thought I'd call myself a poet, let alone publish a poetry collection, so I want to give the biggest ever thank you to everyone that gave me the confidence to go through with this. That includes everyone who reads my work, and especially everyone who leaves such lovely comments. It's such a pleasure to know so many brilliant and kind people.
So again, thank you all.
notes:
Sadie N. Rhoff is not my real name, but my pen name, and fun fact, it's an anagram of HandsOfFire, which I hope someone appreciates because I feel quite clever about it :)
Lastly, please if you want to support my writing, consider spreading the word about this book, if not checking it out yourself. I hope you all enjoy this book as much as I enjoyed writing (and even editing) it <3
The enemy within
Not him
or her
or them
or even it;
not illness
of mind
or body;
not limitations
of opportunity
for any extraneous lack --
of money,
of time,
of support,
of connections,
of education,
of experience--;
alas,
ultimately,
the greatest impediment
to dreaming
a life
then living
that dream
comes
from within--
fears,
insecurities,
anxieties;
self-
doubt,
disparaging
deprecating,
belittling,
criticizing,
ridiculing;
insurmountable
invisible
walls.
There is
nothing
more
in my way
than
me.
Sassy When Ignited
I choose the headline, "Sassy When Ignited" for myself because it can tell a person anything they need to know about me. Google's definition of sassy resonates with me and is [ lively, bold, and full of spirit; cheeky ].
The "When Ignited" portion means when passionate. I am playful, quick-witted and often very passionate.
Makenna
“Hold my beer and watch me.”
I’ve tried a lot of things in my life, trying to be what I need to be at the time. I like to stretch myself outside of my comfort zone quite a few times. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I land straight on my duff. But at least I’m trying, right? So let me put down my drink and see what I can do.