This Planet Is So Ghetto

“Hurry, before you miss the show!” Flagnor was patiently taking her time moving all ten of her tentacles over to the jumbo monitor. We have been absolutely obsessed with this planet ever since we’ve transited the Milky Way Galaxy. See, I thought Pluto was weird, but Earth? Is a fucking shit show.

“Ragnar, what are they doing now?” said Flagnor, loudly feasting on what the planet calls, “Bananas.” We managed to harvest them admidst the catastrophes. The people of the tropical regions were very happy to see us—they did so much screaming and fainting. They loved us so much, we even made headlines across their planet. We’re actually pretty popular down there.

“Well, so far the murder hornets that our cousins have sent down, made every human on this planet lose their fucking minds...and they’ve only sent 10!” Flagnor laughed so hard bananas ejected from all three of her ear cavities. The humans of Earth are very dramatic and animated. Everything has to be overtly exaggerated. Apparently the world leaders of this planet do this in hopes of controlling & instilling fear into their minions. Some of our alien relatives play devil’s advocate and help them out from time to time...or make things much worse for our entertainment.

“The celebrities are still having a good time pretending this virus doesn’t exist, and the more freightened humans have resulted to wearing gloves everywhere that they go.” I said.

“WHAT’S THE POINT IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO FUCKING TOUCH EVERYTHING WITH THE GLOVES?!” Shouted Grexla from her Pod. She loves to watch this planet too.

“That’s exactly what I said! And now they’ve got this hideous orange man running the country into the ground. He has done absolutely nothing but make idiotic statements his whole presidency!” said Flagnor.

“Has anyone decided when he will...you know?” Said Grexla, hinting at the one thing that’s on nearly every human’s mind.

“No. Not yet. We’re still waiting for people to react to our rumors of him being from the future though. And a human named Kanye has recently made claims of running for president in the next election.” I said.

“The one who made shutter shades a thing?” Flagnor asked.

“Exactly,” I sigh.

Tomorrow, we’ll see what goes on with this business about this OnlyFans. We don’t know if it’s an outlet for porn, or if it’s a website for the battery-powered machines that produce their own winds. We will make it our business to find out.