Through uncharted territory,

The journey exhilarates even the calmest soul.

Each dawn marks the beginning of a new day,

The gentle, radiating warmth awakens new possibilities.

Each twilight marks another step forward,

The steady, piercing moonlight brightens the dark shadows.

Already we’ve discovered the unknown,

Already we’ve found a universe,

How many explorers can say the same?

Together, the ship and the wind.

The wind, previously scattered,

Has now found a home nestled against the sails.

I have never written

A happy poem, I say

As I think of all my episodes

Of depression, anxiety, and heartache.

Wait a second, I have written

A happy poem, I say.

I can recall exactly where

I was sitting when I wrote them.

Just two. Two poems.

One when I realized I loved you.

Two when I wanted to celebrate that love.

Three when I realized I fucked up.

But three was a sad one.

Because three was really

The one where I realized I loved you.

Three was the first time I said

Those three classic words.

But I only wrote them here

Because I was too scared.

Too scared to admit that I hurt you.

Too scared to admit that I was

So afraid of being wrong that I pushed away the one right decision

I ever made.

When I said hello, I really meant

"Can I trust you?"

When I said let's talk politics, I really meant

"Let's test you."

When I said let's hang, I really meant

"I want to get to know you more."

When I said let's get breakfast, I really meant

"I like you."

When I said I had feelings for you, I really meant

"I have feelings for you."

When I said yes to being your girlfriend, I really meant

"Fuck yeah, I want to be your girlfriend."

When I said intimacy scared me, I really meant

"No one else has ever respected my boundaries."

When I said you were part of my community, I really meant

"You're part of my heart."

When I said I don't know if that was right, I really meant

"If I tell you the truth, will you judge me too?"

When I said things weren't working out, I really meant

"I'm scared."

When I said please stop saying not all men, I really meant

"Stop making my trauma all about you."

And after six months of silence,

When I finally said sorry, I really meant

"I fucked up."

If I had just given you the benefit of the doubt.

If I had just ignored my own insecurities and anxieties.

Because all of this could have been avoided

If I had just said what I really meant.

Because I didn't tell you I was afraid.

I didn't tell you about my trauma.

I didn't tell you anything.

Because I still worry about being that girl.

The girl who is broken by her past.

The girl who can't take care of herself.

The girl who doesn't let anyone in.

Just because I am not that girl

Does not mean that I'm perfect.

And you never asked for perfection,

But unfortunately I did.

Because you deserve a perfect girlfriend.