I was 11.

I didn't know any better.

But I said yes... I allowed it to happen.

It's all my fault, I should've said no.

Now I am scarred and so are my relationships.

I was 12.

I tried to say no.

You seemed angry so I let it go.

I allowed you to do it, instead of taking control.

And now I'm stuck saying the fault is my own...

I was 13.

Terrified to say no, but too uncomfortable to say yes.

I did what I was told, I let myself stay in that mess...

You were pleased and I was scarred.

Now I'm wondering, if I should have told them all.

I was 14.

I finally got my own voice.

I told you know, knowing it was my choice.

I saw the anger in your eyes and my body shook, and I prepared to cry.

You left me alone after that for awhile.

I was 15.

You tried again.

I said no, never again.

You went silent and I still feared.

And on that day, I told someone of what happened.

And now I cannot bring myself to forgive the little 11 year old.

Even though I know, they didn't know better.

I trusted you and you betrayed that trust,

Now that iron trust has turned to dust.

Now, there is nothingk left to say that can repair the brokeness in me.

You knew better, you knew I wouldn't know it was wrong.

You knew it was against the law, and you did it anyway.

You knew it may scar me, and you didn't care.

You knew, and you knew, and you never thought twice...

And now I'm stuck living on a prayer, hoping God will forgive me.

And now I'm stuck, never able to fully trust.

Now I'm stuck carrying the weight of the past.

Now I'm stuck hating the 11 year old who was innocent.

Now I'm stuck, hurting all the time...

Now I'm stuck wishing I had never been born...

Because if I'd never been born, I couldn't have said yes...

I want to forget the good times

because it wouldn't hurt so much now that they're over.

I wouldn't know how much better life could be.

We could meet for the first time later on,

and maybe it would all work out.

We would last this time.

People ask me how...

How I am so happy

so caring

so open

When I’ve had my heart

murdered

by abusers

who took advantage

of my willingness to

forgive and forget?

How can I smile

when my lips have been

sewn shut

by trauma?

How can I give

when I have nothing left

But the bruises

from his

punches?

How can I be

So held together

when my life

is a shattered

wreck?

Well my answer is:

I have no fucking clue how.