Glimpse of perfection
It is in this moment that I know bliss;
Her perfect lashes flutter as she fights to keep awake, her soft little hand wanders to find her favorite thing.
Her Blankie, though worn, has the combination of rugged and smooth that lulls her mind to dreamland. Her fingertips tracing the edges as she let's out a big sigh, no longer able to continue fighting sleep. She drifts, for a few fleeting moments, before her sweet little hand begins its' search for Blankie. She finds me instead, she pauses for a brief moment of appreciation, but continues on her search. She'll find her place of contentment once she finds where rough old Blankie meets its' satin seams.
I’m sorry.
It may seem cliche,
Title of I'm Sorry,
But what else can I say?
It's all I can say.
I had these plans for you and me,
And decided to take a leap,
So began my descent
To a low I had never before been.
I humbly accepted my big chance,
Walking the path in complete fear,
I had no idea we would end up here,
I never wanted to end up here.
It seemed the moment I lowered my shield,
The moment I chose to believe
That what I was doing was right,
As life has always revealed-
It was snatched right out of sight.
Now I find myself in limbo,
Or maybe even worse,
The taste of victory not easily forgotten,
Even as your dreams leave in a hearse.
I want you to know I'm sorry,
From the deepest of my core.
Even as I lay face-down,
I'm fighting to give you More.
Who I Am.
I had a thought
It crossed my mind
It made me question
What I've done in my time.
It's a question of coward
It's a question of strength
It's a question of who I am
For fuck's sake.
Faced with great tragedy
The truth has shown
What is inside of me
And it's time to own.
What I thought I had built
Was a wall of steel
A cage of iron
A heart that could heal
But I have found
That this may not be
And what I'm about to say
May ruin me.
For all of my life
I have taken pride
In what I could quit
And leave behind.
I'd burn the bridges,
And slam the doors,
I wouldn't even flinch
At the idea of no more.
But a different light shows
This strength may not be
The idea I've clenched to
It may just be weak.
Leaving didn't start off easy
But it's grown to be a crutch
I bail in a moment of panic
When things appear to be too much.
Maybe it's not worth the fight
For fighting's too much work
I'm starting to realize
I leave to void being hurt.
I'm not sure what this makes me
And I doubt I'll ever change
I bail, I quit, I ghost, I leave
Grasping at nothing to keep me sane.
Mystery of Me.
Who am I?
It seems like I used to know. But now I don't.
I look in the mirror and looking back is the shell of someone that I once knew.
The girl I knew was a fighter.
She had fought to live, and fought to love.
You could burn her to ashes and she would rise above.
She didn't misstep over unexpected cracks.
She never once questioned her path.
A voice of reason, a reason for truth,
always once step closer than you to you.
With her mind made up and her head built strong,
you knew when she meant business it wouldn't be long.
She suited up; weapons, helmet and armor,
And fought the battles for those beside her.
Her shell never cracked, never once faltered,
But an unknown war was brewing inside her.
She learned her truths and bared them too,
And with that, a light broke through.
Revealing to her what she hoped to never see,
A tormented soul with silent screams.
It's not very often I really look at this person. I can go the entire morning; shower, teeth, hair, and never notice yesterdays mascara running under my eye and down my cheek. What does that really say about me? What should it be saying to me? I've spent so much of the time and energy that should've been allocated for me, and dedicated it to everyone else. Instead of taking the time to read my own vibes, to gauge my own feelings, to identify the sabotage, I chose to recognize it in others to offer a helping hand. It seems I've created a way of living that bypasses me entirely.
And for some reason, it feels like it's too late to change.
Realism.
He said "Be Realistic"
And she obeyed
Turning her dreams
From color to gray.
"Stop chasing the unattainable
Stop reaching for the sky
Stop writing on that paper
Start looking me in the eye."
She never had the gift
To easily define
What was in her heart
What was on her mind.
Dancing and writing
Were the only ways she knew
With no one to lean on
And nowhere to run to.
She would dance to rise above
And write to find release
A small but powerful token
To put her mind at ease.
"It'll never take you anywhere
And you'll get left behind
You're unlikely to shine
Just get hung up to dry."
She took the words to heart,
Finding an avenue much more safe,
Spent the next 20 years
Mimicking the average worlds' pace.
Fearing she would never be heard
When she left it all out in the open
He was right about being realistic
Leaving little sense for hoping.
Bare.
Could you could you find the strength
To shred your soul
For another's sake
Could you could you dig so deep
Scrape the bottom
Watch it bleed
And if you if you write the word
Raw and honest
Loud and heard
You might you might come to know
This is our truth
And not for show
Would you would you still have a home
If you ditched the mask
And your comfort zone
Could you could you reveal it all
And still walk proud
Without a fall?
Alone.
She stands alone
Strong and unwavering
Sober on life
No doubts on her mind.
The crowd;
It calls her name
Screaming and waving
And laughing all the same.
Eager to be infected
She runs with open arms
High on the adrenaline
Forgetting all that will go wrong.
She'll find the love she searches for
Seducing them all to care
Sing the song in perfect harmony
Play the role with fire and flare.
But once the friendship feels concrete
True to form she'll secede.
Breaking bonds and building walls
Sabotaging any and all.
It's a pattern she has yet to break,
The need to be alone she cannot shake.
Being a part of something more
Scares her dead in her core
It starves the demon whose cries control
Her every thought, her very soul.
In seclusion her peace is found,
Her longing builds without a sound.
She'll warn the next who choose to play,
Knowing they'll love what she won't give away.
Ending the chapter, turning the page
Lost on how she got this way.
adderall.
Feed me clarity
Feed me purpose
Feed me my goddamned wandering brain.
You provide me
with something so profound
The sensation of concentration
It's me I finally found.
A workhorse with free rein,
A mind that remembers everything.
A calmed soul that can sit and breathe
Free of worry
Free of forgetting
Capable and able to accomplish anything.
Without you I feel broken
Walking around in circles
Unsure what I came for
If I'm even here for anything.