Looking at myself I think "what did I do to deserve this face?" 

Looking at my picture framed nicely on the wall I think "what did I do to be so pretty?"

Looking at my mirror I think "was I ever a nice person or a good one at all?"

I've always been so beautiful, the boys always liked me more because of how I looked, all the girls wanted to be my friend because they wanted to feel like some of the attention I got was actually for them. 

I've always been so gorgeous, and I've always known it.

But just because I'm pretty and beautiful and gorgeous doesn't make me pure or nice or good.

I've done a lot of good things, but I do them so people will like me and I won't be alone, I do bad things all the time and some times lie about doing them pinning the blame on some one else who has no alibi. I tell people things just to get attention and I talk behind people's backs. I'll fool around with who ever is brave enough to ask me and I'll throw you under the bus if it looks like our crimes will be found out.

In two weeks

My home life is a wreck and I tell my mom I want to kill her. 

I sleep with my best friends boyfriend because I could, even during my time with him I knew my friend would be hurt, but I continued anyways.

I meet up with a stranger in the middle of Atlanta with out telling anyone where I'm going and give out information I shouldn't.

Some one I use to be friends with kills themselves, my first thought is "well now my secret I let them know is safe." With out feeling an ounce of sadness.

My grandfather dies, and I don't really care, I don't cry at his funeral and in fact find myself relieved he didn't live to find out that I'm gay.

I look at myself hard in the mirror looking deep into my own eyes. 

Who am I?

What have I become?

What is the real me? 

Is it this?

Or am I just struggling to find me?

Before I know it, tears start to pour from my eyes, I am a horrible person, I've wronged so many people, I'm a bad person, I've done so many hurtful things, I'm problematic to others, I'm toxic, I'm wasteful, I'm just...awful.

This is my nightmare, but in the day and while I'm awake, it's real and it's scary.

My chest is tight and heavy, my breath is short and choppy. Tears flow from my eyes endlessly and my head seems to throb. My nose gushes snot and my skin is blotchy and red. My pulse pounds in my ears as I sob, falling to the floor of the bathroom I can't take this feeling, my hands get hot and sweaty. I rub them on my thighs to get rid of the sweat but that just worsens it because my pants are soaked with the salted waters of sadness and despair that flood my eyes. 

I hate me,

Beautiful outside,

Ugly and twisted and horrible on the inside.

I don't deserve to be so popular,

I don't deserve my friends,

I don't deserve my family.

I don't deserve any of the things I have,

Except this feeling of self hate, this awful disgusting feeling that I want to make go away, but my emotions surrounding it won't let me forget who I am and who I've become, here crying out of self pity, I am a sick human being and I'll always be this way, I'll never change, and it makes me know I'm not worth a second of any ones time, so I'll just hide myself away and spare the world my sob story that isn't really a sob story more of a "hate me" story. Honestly, I'm unstable and problematic so keep your distance.