Pissing On A Judge’s Desk

Looking back, it may be that pissing all over the judge’s desk was a bit too far. Not that I regret it, much.

It’s like my daddy used to say, he had it coming to him. Anyway, that’s one guy that will never forget my name, I’m seeing to that.

The third time I found myself standing in his courtroom I knew the score. There was no way he was going to believe a word I said, sitting up there on his pedestal like some kind of king. They showed the video again: The man smashes the pane window. The man jumps inside. The man runs off with arms full of merchandise. They called me up to the witness stand. Again. I told them I didn’t do it. Again. And then I looked over and the judge was half asleep, not even looking at me. Again.

He woke up pretty quick when he felt my hot piss splattering on his fancy robe!

They locked me up. Time served, plus six months, plus a new assault charge for my little fountain of protest.

By then I had already lost my job. A month in, my wife sent me papers. Mom died a couple months before my release date. My brother sold the house.

Four days I’ve been walking around. I haven’t eaten yet. Water hasn’t been a problem, with all this rain, but sleep hasn’t come easy. And this gas can is getting heavy.

I did not rob that store. I wonder how many other innocent men that judge has discarded and forgotten. He won’t be forgetting me.

I walk up to the house. Some kind of gray. What is it with rich people wanting to look just like all their neighbors? I stand at his front door. I know he’s home, I’ve been watching. I lift the gasoline above my head and pour the entire three gallons over my body. It smells terrible and my eyes are stinging. I ring the doorbell and unzip my pants. He answers the door. The smell registers, he looks alarmed. I let it go, piss all over his front door. He shuts it in my face. No doubt he is calling the police, but it’s way too late for that, now. There he is. Looking out the window, phone in his hand. I light the match and smile up at him. Goodbye.