Trading sanity

and every opportunity

For a momentary hit...

You lay everything precious

To eat a piece of shit.

You swallow it whole

To revel in the "high"

But no, it's swallowing you

Down till you die

before you actually

really do.

You dig for shit---

Shit, shit and

more shit.

Then you suck it

As it sucks you in

To bury you and your

Everythin.'

Bit by bit

'Neath a pile

of deep, dark yellow

Yummy, yucky shit.

How can I yet

Navigate these

Tempest seas

Without a single

Compass with which

To divine the stars,

And thus my place

On this accursed world?

I am lost amidst the waves

Of life's tremulous

Waters of need, need, need.

I drown every day and

I rise up to the twinkling

Light of the night and

I shake from the effort,

From the pain and exhaustion

From sinking into the murky

Depths of Ninkasi's wet embrace.

I sink and I forget

About the storms that

Toss my ship to and fro,

The painful rigging of

My mind slipping loose

Its jib and dangling in the

Dark drink, sodden

And bogged down so

That my mast is tipped

And I am capsized and

I sink, I sink into the ocean

Black, to forget, to never

Remember--

Only I am run ashore,

And I remember all.

I cannot help to cast off

From the safe haven of

The bays and quays of

These calm waters, these

Places where my rigging can

Be set anew--

No, I am but a boat.

How can I not be out

There amongst the

Hurricanes that would

Cast me about?

I must seek those deep waters,

That I may drown once more...

It's hard...

Dragging the sun up the sky,

Trying to brighten someone's day

When your also carrying

the weight of the world

on your back.

You can't even carry your own

Still, you're constantly struggling,

Breaking your back

Just so they can smile

Because their frowns

Breaks your heart

More than their happiness

Causes you to destroy yourself.

Their smiles are like drugs,

You want more and more

No matter how much

It breaks you,

Even if you know

What it does to you,

You still try to obtain some more,

Addicted to the feeling.

Why is it calling?

A tender grave timbre will call

without any moving lips

in a daring voice, tempting

my name repeatedly

but hiding its lips from my sight.

I found myself looking

at the darkest pupil spot

almost nose-touching the mirror

seeking for the voice

calling my name again.

I pull myself out of

that liquid, dark membrane

just to see myself

calling my name

in the mirror

as it was an echo of mine.

As the only agent for your mind, it begs the statement that you measure: "I believe what I see, feel, experience, from what happens to me, as I perceive it to be". For if thoughts and feelings are a certainty, then we have power to entertain the belief, that we can look upon another as a different state of mind; that objectively there is evidence to be found.

I left my consciousness in the sixth dimension,

as I fell ceaselessly over the edge of outer space,

fingers untied,

strings broken,

connections disintegrated,

with the only thing I could be aware of was how small I really was.

Compared to him, compared to earth, compared to the entirety of the universe that held me.

A spec of dust on a spec of dust.

And I was happy there, while I was falling,

Because for the first time it wasn't for anyone,

Including gravity.

So I floated on, as my consciousness floated in the direction opposite of mine,

We reached our hands out to each other hoping for one last touch,

Until the room went dark.

It’s undeniable to me

that the sun rays will butter

the early morning skies -

a real blue that will

make me cry with joy.

Cotton breathed clouds

will dot my existence,

The midnight blue

evening skies

will sparkle with

sprinkled stars and

laughter, reaching

down to my soul,

rejuvenating me

with hope and passion.

The sea will roll in

on little foam feet,

tickling my fancy,

a constant rhythm

tangible and soothing.

Sand will fill

my toes

in sugary kisses.

Sleepy alligators

will slip back

into watery refuge

or sun on the banks

of my marsh canal.

Blue herons will gulp fish,

struggling valiantly

down their throats

in languid lumps.

There will be

thousands of white

butterflies announcing

virgin spring’s song,

orchestrated beauty,

with God as

their conductor.

Deer will wander

into my yard,

herding their young,

eating their dessert

of roses and hibiscus,

leaving my yard

stripped bare.

Prehistoric armadillos

will dig holes

in the rich earth

but they are in

no hurry to leave –

they’ve existed forever.

Moss draped oaks

will shade my

wanderings

as I ponder

the honesty

of my world.

This is my reality,

intrinsic to

all I am,

coloring my life

in its existence.

"Hello?"

"L.E is out sick and we are crazy busy, I need you to cover her shift."

"Sure thing-I'll be there soon"

I took the last few bites of my leftover and headed over to work. Not even ten minutes into my shift I'm nauseous and could barely keep myself from chucking my food into the customers lap. I knew we were busy and I knew I would never hear the end of it if I bailed this shift but I had to leave. I walked out trying to keep my composure, but I wasn't able to keep anything for long. Everything came rushing out of me.

I took a few deep breaths bought some water at a gas station and shuffled my way to the park. At least it was dark and I can throw up in peace until my body had its fill. I stayed there but it was cold and I was getting a little nervous. It was late and it did not look like I was going home any time soon. I thought of hopping on the trolley but moving even two steps triggered Niagara falls. 

I opted instead to call my roommate to no avail. I called my friend that I knew worked close by but no answer. So I called my friend who lived two hours from me to complain and throw in the possibility that I was going to die at the park. 

"Hello?"

"I can't stop throwing up and I think I'm just going to die at the park"

"What the hell what do  you mean, call C or G, or anyone to pick you up"

"Nobody is picking up"

"Call Sid then"

"Oh god no, I'll never do that."

"Just call him"

"No- I have to go"

Five minutes later I get a call from said Sid.

"Hey what's going on are you okay?"

"Yea I'm good"

"No you aren't T called me, she told me  your at the park sick"

"Don't worry about it I'll be good I'm just gonna stay here until I feel a little better then head home"

"Don't go anywhere I'll come and get you"

"No it's okay"

"Don't be so stubborn, just wait."

I could fight, but for what? I told him Okay and I waited.

I was sitting on a park bench but it was too bright. I moved to a darker spot and stayed curled in the corner. Finally Sid found me tucked away. He smiled his little smile and picked me up in all my disheveled glory. We walked slowly back to his place and he put me in the shower. Twenty minutes of hot water running down my body was everything I needed. I washed all my clothes and hung them to dry. I stepped out of the shower and snuggled into his bed. I felt much better. He came up the stairs smiling at  me holding some tea in his hand. I drank it up and laid back in the bed ready to sleep. He got under the covers with me held me tight and kissed me goodnight. Then kissed me again, maybe a hello? He kissed me more, caressing my hips in ways I forgot I loved. Shifting himself he was on top of me. His hair flooded out curtaining my face in with his. 

"Is this okay?"

I smiled and nodded my needy yes. 

My legs spread to accommodate his body, gently he filled me up. I gasped surprised at how wonderful it felt. At how much I wanted this, at how much each kiss meant. We stayed locked in to each other. He gently pulled out and pushed back in, my hips extending to meet each thrust. It felt beautiful, it felt like love. 

This was the first time I was present to enjoy it. The first time I wanted every minute of it. This may not be the first time for me but it was the first time for my heart, and this is the time I will always think about.