You say "Oh let's ask him what he meant by that"

I wish it was you

You say "Oh maybe let's just sweep it under the mat"

I wish it was you

You say "Oh there is probably no harm done"

I wish it was you

You say "We can work this out by everyone"

I wish it was you

I wish it was you, so that you could understand.

I wish it was you so that I wouldn't have to deal with that.

The fear, the unease, the creepiness of it all.

So that I could stand on the side and say "let's all try to make the situation resolve"

I wish it was you

so that I wouldn't have to deal with it.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Just some thoughts about dealing with a bad situation. Maybe it wasn't even that bad. It was just some unwanted comments. No trauma. But damn, I wish I didn't have to deal with it.

My heart had stopped beating. It started when I moved to this town. Away from family and everything that I had known. I felt like a stranger. I felt unwanted. The friendly faces that I was used to, no longer there. The passing faces here felt uncaring, or even hostile. I wanted to shut myself from it all. Hide from the pain and the fear. And I did. But funny thing about emotions, it´s not like you can pick and choose what not to feel. You can either feel it all or feel nothing at all. I chose nothing. The transition was slow. But slowly the faces blurred into oval shapes. The sounds of the city: the vehicles passing by, the chatter and the bustle all blending into undiscernible static noise. It was like seeing the world from the comfort of a grey woollen blanket – dulling the sounds around me, clouding the colours and comforting me.

And suddenly, I found myself in a forest. I didn´t know how I got there, but I didn´t care much either. I walked through the trees barely aware of my surroundings. I was soon off the trodden trail, weaving my way through the branches and undergrowth. When the light faded, I was not sure if it was just a passing cloud, or the blanket around me turning dark.

The crackling startled me – the sound of a hundred whips being hit at once as the sky lit up. Then the clouds opened, and I felt the first cold drop hit me. It was jarring and broke the warmth that I had cocooned myself in. Like a sharp spear, it pierced me. Fear. I felt fear then. Jolting my heart back into motion. The terror was overwhelming but somehow it still felt good to feel… something. The first emotion I felt in a long time. And with my senses on alert, I looked around. Where was I?

I looked around me for the first time noticing the trees, the rocks and the wet grass pelted by the rain. I was lost. There was no one here. No one who cared. I broke down then. I sank into the wet grass and let the tears fall. They came like a dam opened, all at once, bursting out and drowning me. My whole body was in shock. I could feel myself twitching uncontrollably. Another crack of lightning. I screamed. I opened my mouth and let it all out. But there was too much. I ran then. I didn´t know where. I didn´t care. I wanted out.

The branches cut me. I stumbled on the roots, hitting the ground, but I continued onward. Pain. I felt pain now. On my hands. My face. It felt… good. I continued running. It was dark. There was no one to guide me out. I put one foot after another and hoped that if I ran far enough, if I ran long enough, I would get out. I embraced the fear, the pain and channelled it to my legs.

My heart was pounding. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion, the ground moving underneath me as I ran. The silhouettes of the trees whooshed by me as I ran. And I felt… Alive. I laughed then. In the rain, through my fear and my pain. I laughed at it all, a hysterical, crazy laugh. And just like that, I was out.

I collapsed on the wet grass. Breathing heavily, I laid there, unmoving, collecting myself. I felt my barriers rising, I felt my emotions growing weaker. I was slowly retaining control. And just as the final spark of emotion was fading, I stopped for a moment. I thought how good it had been to feel something. So I decided to leave the small crack in my armour. I picked myself up and started walking towards the city. And in the distance, I could hear a car honking.