Virus Madness
By Michael Tomczyk
Lions and tigers and viruses, oh my!
This stupid pandemic is making people die!
Whether it's an accident or not,
This lethal virus can make our lungs rot.
They say the pandemic originated in a bat,
So we shouldn't eat bats, no matter where we're at!
If this was a weapon it would be kind of fun,
You'd just have to start coughing and people would run.
Instead of using guns assassins would simply sneeze,
or lick an Amazon package to make victims cough and wheeze;
Old boyfriends would discover their mail spiked with virus,
You could die from a contaminated CD by Miley Cyrus.
So now we're all staying home 24/7
and to help pay the bills, the government sends us a check;
Some people think that's kind of like heaven
Others think it's a kind of a pain in the neck.
In the meantime we can't even go out and get drunk,
They closed all the bars, so we're kind of in a funk.
How boring is this, just hunkering down?
We can't even see a movie or go out on the town!
The stores are all closed at the big shopping center
Even public parks have signs: DO NOT ENTER.
And so...here we sit til the virus goes away,
binge-watching TV and playing games we never play;
hoping the summer will set us all free
and get us quickly back to where we're supposed to be.
The Waiting Dead
She begged for death. Not really. But almost. She had been watching The Walking Dead all season but suddenly the show took a mid-season break and she now had to wait almost TWO MONTHS for the zombies to return. It was Sunday night. Every Sunday a group of her friends came over to share a creative dinner and sample new wines.
People who are bitten by zombies often beg for death. She knew how they felt. She missed her Sunday TV parties. She missed her friends. She missed the wine.
Choosing the wine was always a challenge because picking wine is like playing Russian (or French or Italian) roulette. You pick the wine based on the label or type of grape and then you hope that year or vintage is a good one, and that the bottle didn't sit sweltering in the hold of a container ship or warehouse for days or weeks. And then again, some people like dry and some like sweet or in-between, or red only or white. Maybe someone should make a purple wine and put a zombie on the label, she thought. Someone should patent that idea.
What's wrong with me?
Of course, she knew what it was. She was experiencing social withdrawal. She craved the next episode of Walking Dead to see how the characters dealt with new challenges of the Zombie Apocalypse - Rick, Darrell, Beth...oh no, Beth was killed in the mid-season finale. She still hadn't adjusted to that loss. It took at least two weeks to grieve for the death of a Walking Dead cast member but Beth was special. She seemed like a survivor...until she died. Everyone had gasped when it happened. It's only a TV show but it affected everyone, anyway. That's how involved everyone was in the show.
She missed her friends. Sunday was suddenly different. The Walking Dead parties were her only social ritual. Working all week left her too tired for bars or clubs and she wasn't really a club person. It was getting harder and harder to meet men. There weren't many eligible bachelors working at her company. All taken. Married out of college, or picked off as soon as they were hired -- by girls who were more socially adept than her.
Robert was the brother of one of the girls who worked at the company, and her friend Janine brought him every Sunday night. She flirted with him and he teased her a lot especially when she jumped or yelped at something that happened in the show. He thought she was funny. She thought he was handsome. But they never went farther than sitting on the sofa and pushing and shoving and teasing each other like teenagers. It was hard to be romantic with everyone else in the room.
She stared at the blank screen. She couldn't bring herself to turn on the TV. Turning it on and seeing no zombies at 9 o'clock Sunday night would be too traumatic. She wished Janine and Robert and her other friends were here. Without the Apocalypse they had nor reason for being here and she couldn't think of any other themes or reasons to keep coming. What could be better than zombies? Wine and cheese? No. Reality shows about Alaska or gold mining or rich people living in mansions? No. Monopoly? No!
She looked at the clock. It was ten minutes past nine. She couldn't stand it another minute. She picked up her cell phone and stared at the screen.
"Robert? Hi. It's me."
"Wow," he exclaimed, "I was just trying to figure out what to do, I'm so hooked on that damned show."
"You want to come over? We could cook and have wine. We don't need zombies for that." She held her breath.
"Sure. I'll bring the wine. See in you soon. Oh, and I'm really glad you called. Can't wait to see you." The screen went blank.
She took a moment to savor what was happening. This was way better than watching the Walking Dead. Suddenly, she felt exhilarated and filled with anticipation. She had never felt so alive.