Narrator: This is the story about a world of adventure, a sea full of excitement and a man full of dreams and a passion that seeks to drive him to the top.

Monkey D. Luffy: My name is Monkey D. Luffy and I'm gonna be king of the...

[The screen flickers with static to reveal a room full of bloody corpses and two vampires appearing to be cuddling.]

Female Vampire: Oh, uh, oh yes! I love you Edward.

Edward: And I… love you… Bella.

[knocking on door]

Edward: Hold on. Who is it?

Alucard: Oh, you know... [shoots through the door, kills Edward, them withdraws his gun] ... a real fuckin' vampire!

[Opening plays with Party Party Party by Andrew W.K. as the theme song]

Alucard: [speaking through Telepathy, because Black Magic.] Hey, Police Girl, do you have the target?

Police Girl: OK, master, my name is Seras. And yes, I have the target in sight.

Alucard: [through Telepathy, still!] Well, better take the shot, you're letting her get away.

Police Girl: If you just give me a second to concentrate, I could--

Alucard: [appears standing behind Seras] She's getting away! She's running!

Police Girl: [eyes glow red] I get it, I'm lining up the--

Alucard: Going to miss it! Going to miss it!

Police Girl: Just be quiet and let me--

Alucard: Hey, Police Girl! Hey! Hey, Police Girl!

Police Girl: [fires the sniper rifle and kills Bella] There! I took the fucking shot! She’s dead, there’s blood everywhere!

Alucard: ...Oh, you are just a treat.

[black screen with the caption "One Week Earlier"]

Alucard: Now, I know what you’re thinking: “How did all this come about?” Well, it all started on a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear, the moon was full. I was dying to sink my teeth into something. Get it? Because I'm a vampire. Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… It’s funny. [reaches a field full of ghouls and a homicidal vampire priest holding Seras hostage]

Homicidal Priest: So, you came. Too bad you’re far too late.

Alucard: ...What?

Homicidal Priest: Everyone else is already dead. Except this little tart. But trust me, I still plan to kill her.

Alucard: Mm-hmm.

Homicidal Priest: But first, I’m going to rape her!

Alucard: Neat.

Homicidal Priest: But before I can do any of that... I’m going to kill you!

Alucard: Oh? See, that would be intimidating, if you were… well, intimidating.

Homicidal Priest: Gr-r-r, are you mocking me?!

Alucard: Oh, no, no, no, no, no… Pfft, yeah! [shoots Seras and the Priest through the lung while the fraction “shot through the heart” from Bon Jovi’s song “You Give Love a Bad Name”plays]

Alucard: Well, that should about wrap things up here.

Police Girl: Guh… gah…

Alucard: Oh, yeah. Forgot about you. Sorry about that whole “shooting you” thing, but I know if you look deep into your heart, which is currently all over that tree, you’ll find a way to forgive me.

Police Girl: [dying] Guh… gah…

Alucard: Awww, geez, you look like a puppy. A blonde, eviscerated puppy.

Police Girl: [still dying] Gah… *tear*

Alucard: Christ! Fine! I’ll help you! But only because you got nice tits.

[Several minutes later, Alucard reports back to Sir Integra Hellsing at the Hellsing mansion headquarters.]

Sir Integra Hellsing: So, that’s your field report?

Alucard: Yup.

Sir Integra Hellsing: You went on a walk through the forest at midnight.

Alucard: Yup.

Sir Integra Hellsing: You killed a homicidal vampire priest.

Alucard: Dead.

Sir Integra Hellsing: And then you turned someone into a vampire, who happened to be a big tittied--

Alucard: Big tittied police girl. Yes! It’s like I didn’t just get through explaining this. Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got things to do.

Sir Integra Hellsing: What “things”? You don’t do “things”.

Alucard: Yes, I do. I take enthusiastic walks through the woods.

Sir Integra Hellsing: And kill homicidal vampire priests?

Alucard: Very enthusiastic walks.

[black screen with the caption "One Week Later"]

Sir Integra Hellsing: So, that’s your field report?

Alucard: Yup.

Sir Integra Hellsing: So you broke into the house…

Alucard: Yup.

Sir Integra Hellsing: …and you shot him thirty-six times?

Alucard: Thirty-seven.

Sir Integra Hellsing: And took out his partner?

Alucard: To be fair, that was the police girl… with the big titties.

Sir Integra Hellsing: ...You need to stop going on walks.

Alucard: And you need to hurry up and hook up some god-damned DSL in here!

Sir Integra Hellsing: Ugh! Listen; you have an assignment in Ireland.

Alucard: Ooooh… I’ve never hunted down a leprechaun before. Do you think if I shoot them with my gun Lucky Charms will explode everywhere?!

Sir Integra Hellsing: Sweet Christ! Just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who’s taken over the hospital, and bring the police girl with you.

Alucard: Awww, come on! I have to bring her everywhere!

Sir Integra Hellsing: Ah-ah-ah! None of the sass!

Alucard: Yes, MOM.

[Italy]

Alexander Anderson: So what can I do for you, Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan... ah-who is also Italian?

Father O’Mally’O’Connel’O’Carrol’O’Reilly’O’Brian’O’Sullivan who is also Italian: [speaking in an Italian accent] Tell-a me, Anderson, what is your favorite thing to do?

Anderson: Spreading the word and love of Jesus Christ to the many people of the world, teaching peace and love for all!

Father O’Mally’O’Connel’O’Carrol’O’Reilly’O’Brian’O’Sullivan who is also Italian: And-a killing-a vampires?

Anderson: Oh, just try to fucking stop me!

Father O’Mally’O’Connel’O’Carrol’O’Reilly’O’Brian’O’Sullivan: And what about… Protestants?

Anderson: Second verse, same as the first. Now put me on a plane, so I can put'em in a hearse!

[cuts to an abandoned hospital in Ireland with Seras sitting outside]

Alucard: [shooting ghouls inside the hospital] Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl! This is awesome! You should totally join in! Seriously, there’s like… forty zombies in here! Just one shot to the head and they explode! [gunshot] It’s just like House of the Dead, only like… a hundred times more awesome!

Police Girl: [bursts through the door] Fine! I’ll shoot some of the rotten bastards! Can’t be that much fun. [shoots a ghoul and her eyes glows red] Oh, fuck the hell, yes! [kills all the Ghouls while"Feel so Numb” by Rob Zombie plays]

Alucard: Sweet Black fucking Sabbath! If I wasn’t holding out for that beast of a woman Integra, I’d fuck the red right out of those eyes. [Seras gets stabbed by holy sacred bayonets in the back] Well… kinda like that, only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina. [sniffs around] Huh?! Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here. [Anderson walks in] Oh, if it isn’t the Catholic Church! And what’s this? No little Timmy glued to your crotch? Progress!

Anderson: Ah, and look at what we have here? A bloody heathen!

Alucard: Excuse me, but I’m a fuck-mothering vampire! I’ve killed a lot of people to get this title. I deserve to be called such!

Anderson: Well then, mind if I ask you your name?

Alucard: Only if you give yours first, papist.

Anderson: Fine, I’ll give you the courtesy. The name’s…

[cuts to the Hellsing mansion]

Walter: Alexander Anderson.

Sir Integra Hellsing: [briefly surprised] Oh, fuck all kinds of duck!

[cuts back to Ireland]

Anderson: You have been chosen to reveal my existence to the world. You will witness what happens here today, and you will tell of it later… except you won’t... ‘cause I’ll kills ’ya! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Alucard: Oh, my, brilliant speech… and unoriginal. That’s totally from Boondock Saints.

Anderson: What?! No, it isn’t! I came up with it a week ago.

Alucard: Whatever. We’re here for the vampire.

Anderson: The only one left here is your sorry pale ass.

Police Girl: [recovering from her attack] Ghhhhhh…

Alucard: [to Seras] Yeah, yeah, give me a minute. [to Anderson] So, what do you want, anyways? The nearest elementary school is at least ten kilometers away.

Anderson: It is your corrupt I claim. It is your evil that will be sought by me with every breath…

Alucard: Boondock... Saints. Seriously, you must watch that movie religiously. Huh-huh… get it?

Anderson: OK, you know what? Fuck it. Knife.

Alucard: Knife? [gets stabbed by two bayonets]

Police Girl: Master!

Alucard: Boom! [shoots Anderson in the head] Headshot. Well, now that that’s over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, Count Cho- [decapitated by Anderson while the word “Decapitation” is sung by Jack Black in Brutal Legend in the background]

Police Girl: Master…

Anderson: Well, now that that’s over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal Frankenbe… [notices that Seras ran away] Son of a protestant whore! Well, you know what time it is! [draws two bayonets while the word “RAPE” appears on the screen in uppercase white letters]

Police Girl: [walking away, bleeding and carrying Alucard's severed head] See... this kind of shit is why I stopped going to church.

Alucard: [Thinking] Police girl… Poli-i-i-ice Girl, you are reading your master’s mind. Put my head between your boobs!

Police Girl: [holds Alucard's head close to her chest] Now I’m all alone… The only one I had left was you.

Alucard: [muffled in Seras' breasts] Very good! Now the next thing I want you to do is... put me between your legs! [A bayonet suddenly is wailed at Alucard's head, which impales it into a wall.] God damn it!

Anderson: It’s a shame for you lost your head. A careless vampire, who wound up dead. You wore your sin like it was some kind of prize. Too many lies… too many lies.

Police Girl: What do I do? What do I do?! I… I could try seducing him… wait, no! I’m not an eight-year old boy! SHIT!

Anderson: Say your prayers, wee lass!

[Gunshots suddenly are fired and destroy Anderson’s bayonets. They were revealed to be fired by Sir Integra Hellsing.]

Sir Integra Hellsing: That girl belongs to me!

Anderson: Well, aren’t you the naughty one?

Sir Integra Hellsing: Don’t make me shoot you in the fucking head!

Anderson: What the hell do you want, you crazy protestant bastard?

Sir Integra Hellsing: I’m a woman.

Anderson: Call yourself whatever you want, you crazy protestant bastard.

Sir Integra Hellsing: You do know this is a grave violation of our agreement.

Anderson: And what part would that be?

Sir Integra Hellsing: The part where you’re here… killing my men!

[Anderson kills Sir Integra's escorts before attacking her.]

Escort 1: Hua!

Escort 2: Walgh!

Anderson: I have no idea what chou’re on about. I’m just here doin’ my job! Killin’ vampires ‘n’ werewolves an’ leprechauns. I never actually found one but do you think if I cut one open with my knife, it would spill out Lucky Charms?

Sir Integra Hellsing: Just shut up! Where the hell is Alucard?!

Anderson: Oh, him? I killed him!

Sir Integra Hellsing: Killed him?

Anderson: Cut off his bloody head!

Sir Integra Hellsing: Oh! Well, that’s step one… what about two through ten?

Anderson: Ah, Christ!

[Alucard regenerates in a shot of splendor and magnificence. (read: Awesomeness)]

Alucard: You done goofed.

Anderson: How the blood-soaked protestant hell did you do that?!

Alucard: Fuck you, that’s how.

Anderson: [quickly opens a bible] You know what? I’ve had enough of this. To hell with all you dirty heathens! [uses the pages to teleport out of the hospital]

Alucard: Eat me! Don’t forget to write!

Police Girl: Oh… oh, my God… We survived!

Alucard: Sooo…

Sir Integra Hellsing: What?

Alucard: Do I get to go after him?

Sir Integra Hellsing: No.

Alucard: Aw, come on!

Sir Integra Hellsing: No, and that’s final! We’ve got bigger things to worry about. Whoever’s behind these vampire attacks... it has to be some kind of large organized group.

Alucard: Like the Nazis?

Sir Integra Hellsing: That would be retarded.

[Meanwhile...]

The Major: Gentlemen… ve… are Nazis!

Nazis: Sieg heil! Sieg heil!

The Major: Und ve… vill have var!

Nazis: Sieg heil! Sieg heil!

The Major: Und ve… und ve… *sneeze*

Nazis: Gesundheit! Gesundheit!

Sir Integra: Hello, Alucard. How was your mission in Japan?

Alucard: Eh... I'd say 99... [Switches to zombie at a gate of a highschool from the anime, High School Of The Dead] ...point 9 percent done. 'Sup, bitch?

Sir Integra: I need to talk to you about some important guests coming today.

Alucard: Are they hookers?

Sir Integra: No.

Alucard: And like that, you've lost me.

Sir Integra: They're our financial suppliers.

Alucard: Oh man, they have to hate us.

Sir Integra: They do. That's why they canceled our budget.

Alucard: Oooh, that's bad. We need that, right? Walter, we need that right?

Walter: Yes, very important.

Alucard: Thank you, Walter.

Walter: Of course, sir.

Sir Integra: Over the last couple of years we've had some... expensive claims.

Alucard: Like what?

Sir Integra: First off, property damage.

[cut scene of an explosion and people running away from OVA 6]

Alucard: Good times.

Sir Integra: Dozens of noise complaints...

[cut scene to Police Girl and Alucard blasting Nobody by Skindred] 

Alucard: Sorry! I can't hear you!

Sir Integra: Killing at least a dozen innocent people...

Alucard: Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it!

Sir Integra: And... all of the sexual harassment.

Alucard: ...I'm not apologizing.

Sir Integra: Listen, I know this is asking a lot, but...

Alucard: But...

Sir Integra: I want you to keep yourself locked in the basement until all of them are gone.

Alucard: ...I get the distinct impression you're embarrassed of me.

Sir Integra: Alucard.

Alucard: I'm gonna go with no...

Sir Integra: This is important, and I don't need you causing another scene.

Alucard: I don't have to take this. I'm going for a walk.

Sir Integra: No you don't!

Alucard: Oh, what are you going to do? Grab that guy who can stop me? What was his name...? Michael McDoesn't-exist?

Sir Integra: [Sigh] ...What do you want?

Alucard: What?

Sir Integra: What.. do I need to give you.. to keep you down here for the evening?

Alucard: I'm going to need a new gun. Also, one for the police girl.

Seras Victoria: But I already have a gun!

Alucard: Get that bitch a cannon; Bitches love cannons!

Sir Integra: Anything else?

Alucard: A seventy-inch plasma widescreen tv.

Sir Integra: Really?

Alucard: With Netflix.

Sir Integra: Should it also be 3D?

Alucard: NO! That's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it!

[Introduction Plays]

[scene changes to the board meeting]

Sir Integra: Hello, gentlemen. Thank you very much for accepting my invitation.

Sir Shelby Penwood Well, considering the direness of your financial security, we thought it was the least we could do.

Sir Integra: Now before we begin, I was under the impression our budget was handled directly by the queen.

Sir Hugh Irons: Oh, it is, however, we're having a distinctly difficult time justifying some of these expenses.

Sir Shelby Penwood: Most of them under the name... 'Alucard'.

Sir Integra: [inhale] Continue...

Sir Hugh Irons: For example, some of them were frankly labeled... "entertainment".

Sir Integra: Entertainment?

Unknown Council Member 1: Quite. Like in my report; Twenty thousand for a... Candi?

Unknown Council Member 2: That's Candi with an 'i', by the way.

Sir Integra: I see.

Sir Hugh Irons: Not to mention the priceless antique car... I believe the note on the claim was, "I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats, so I scrapped it".

Sir Integra: So that's why we found my father's car covered in goat blood and rammed into a Dairy Queen.

Sir Shelby Penwood: Oh, yes, and then there's also the Dairy Queen. Sitting at about ninety-five thousand in damages. [rambling]

Sir Integra: [thinking] I would do fucking anything right now to get out of this.

[cut scene to Jan and Luke walking towards gates of building]

Jan Valentine: And so halfway through blowin' me, the fuckin' hooker OD's on heroin!

Luke Valentine: I really don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you.

Jan Valentine: I mean, I still finished, but what kind of shit is that?

Luke Valentine: For God's sakes, Jan, think of mother!

Jan Valentine: ...I ain't jerkin' off right now.

Guard: Oi, You two! The grounds are currently closed.

Jan Valentine: Aw man, that totally sucks! And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!

Guard: Where from?

[countless machine gun barrels; MP5 Navy+Suppressor, to be exact, appear from the bus]

Jan Valentine: Texas! [Snaps fingers]

[Sub-Machine gun fire; guards killed]

Jan Valentine: Aw shit, looks like we need more prayer in schools.

Luke Valentine: If you're quite finished, ready the ghouls. I'm going to find Alucard. You overrun the rest of the mansion.

Jan Valentine: Alrighty! [ghouls begin filing off the bus] Attention all bitches! Off the bus and line up in order. [Readies dual custom P90s] I've got a class assignment for all of y'all!!

[cut scene back to the board meeting]

Unknown: And while the mime did survive, he'll never walk again.

[lights cut off]

Unknown 2: That's funny, we weren't cutting the power just yet.

Sir Integra: Oh, shit...

[dials phone]

Sir Interga: Front desk report. What's going on?

Front Desk: Oh um yeah, hold on, just give me a second... whoa. Oh, yeah, it's ghouls. Definitely, definitely... [ghoul snarls] OH MY GOD!

[phone disconnects]

Sir Shelby Penwood: Sir Integra, do something!

Sir Integra: Calm down! We have over one hundred trained guards on the premises at all times. We have everything under control.

[explosion]

Unknown: What was that?

Sir Integra: That was probably the escape chopper exploding. As I was saying, let me just contact communications and get an update.

[dials phone]

Sir Integra: Communications, come in! We need a full report.

Man On Phone/Communications: [weeping]

Jan Valentine: Read the fucking paper.

Man On Phone: Hey there, Integra,

Jan Valentine: Read it fucking RIGHT, cockhole!! [Clubs Communications just as he says Right!]

Man On Phone: Hey there... you... fat English whore!

Jan Valentine: That's more like it, now keep goin'!

Man On Phone: Me.. and my big brother Luke... are killing... all of your men... and turning them into ghouls. So... I... hope... you've made peace... with yourself... 'cause when I find you... I'm gonna... oh god!

Jan Valentine: Keep reading, or I shoot the other testicle!!

Man On the Phone: Cause when I find you, I'm gonna fuck every hole you've got! And then I'm gonna just keep making more holes to fuck, until there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood... and semen! Oh god, this is horrible!

Jan Valentine: You ain't finished yet!

Man On the Phone: So prepare your dried-up pussy... for my huge vampire cock. Now, pardon me, while I blow this faggot ginger's brains out -- OH GOD NO-!!!

[gunshot]

Jan Valentine: [laughing] His fucking face, man! Oh-ho ho ho fuck!! Oh, now that shit is priceless!

[hangs up phone]

Sir Integra: Alucard, get up here now! I'm locked in with the committee on the third floor and...

Alucard: Listen, I'm going to have to stop you right there. You see, I'm under direct orders from my boss, who is a total bitch by the way [gives off an aroused grunt], that I am not to leave this room until such time as the committee has left the building. I was even bribed. Imagine that...

Sir Integra: Alucard, you vampiric asshole, I will --

Alucard: Sounds great, but I'm gonna have to go now, I've just queued up an episode of Adventure Time on Netflix. Bye~...

[Adventure Time sound clip, phone hanging up, Integra snaps her cigar in utter anger]

Sir Integra: Walter!

[cut scene to mansion; Luke slaughters four guards and picks up a phone call]

Luke Valentine: Hello, Jan.

Jan Valentine: So, how's my favorite big brother doing?

Luke Valentine: Oh, you know, just killed a group of guards...

Jan Valentine: Shit, bro, you too? What's your kill count at? Nah, don't tell me. [observes countless dead guards and the ghouls feasting upon them] I'm winnin'.

Luke Valentine: [Opens said passageway up] They were guarding a secret passageway downstairs. Not really keeping it a secret if you keep a bunch of armed guards standing around it.

Jan Valentine: Well, you have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skull-fuck that Hellsing bitch... And the old guys... Ah, fuck it. Skull-fuckin' for everyone!! Come here, ghoul!!

[ghoul moaning. Luke hangs up and smiles wryly]

Luke Valentine: Well, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.

[cut back to board meeting]

Sir Integra: Alright, Walter and his assistant should be here any second now..

Sir Shelby Penwood: But if there's no way to get upstairs, how are they going to -- aaaghh! aaghh!

[Walter and Police Girl fall from ceiling, accidentally knocking Shelby over.]

Walter: Tally ho!

Sir Integra: Good to see you, Walter.

Walter: Of course, sir.

Sir Integra: The first two floors have been entirely overrun. Communications with the outside have been cut off. We lost all of our men, and Alucard is being --

Walter: Alucard?

Sir Integra: A total ass, yes. Now tell me, do you have any plans?

Walter: Of course, sir. I shall do exactly as the butler does, and tidy up.

[cut to mansion hall, Jan marching down it with his army of ghouls]

Jan Valentine: I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck. Though if I give a shit, I might just give a fuck, but I don't give a shit, so I don't give a...

(Ghouls are suddenly slaughtered.)

Jan Valentine: ...fuck was that?

Walter: Hello, my name is Walter C. Dornez. Ex-Vampire hunter and butler to the Hellsing organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash. And I also kill self-entitled little twats like yourself.

'Jan Valetine: Well ain't you just the textbook fuckin definition of classy, but guess what, Jeeves, that garotte wire won't do shit for dick against armor this thick. What's that, Alfred, how thick is it? Well, half as thick as my dick, so thick enough that you need a fucking anti-tank rifle to pierce it, and I don't even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass.

Walter: Police girl, if you may.

[Zoom cut to Police Girl with said anti-tank rifle at the other end of the hallway]

Seras Victoria: BITCHES LOVE CANNONS! [Fires rifle and kills several ghouls].

Jan Valentine: Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle. OH FUCK, THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!!! [Gets shot]

[cuts to Alucard watching Adventure Time; Luke Valentine breaks through the wall, destroying the plasma TV]

Alucard: That was a seventy-inch... plasma screen TV. [inhales] So, how can I help you?

Luke Valentine: You must be the great Alucard.

Alucard: S'uuup?

Luke Valentine: I've heard quite a lot about you.

Alucard: Oh, really?

Luke Valentine: The night walker... who glides through oceans of blood. Beyond human, a monster whose power radiates with a darkness that casts a shadow on darkness itself --

Alucard: Oh, you dirty bitch, work the shaft!

Luke Valentine: Ex-cuse you..?

Alucard: Oh, I'm sorry, I like to dirty talk when someone's sucking my dick.

Luke Valentine: ...Perhaps I should just skip to my point. My name is Luke Valentine.

Alucard: And I'm Carmen Sandiego. Guess where I am!

Luke Valentine: I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here...

Alucard: Oh, so am I, and I'm failing, and I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated; because this blond little shit strolled into my room, destroyed my seventy-inch, plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father.

[Luke dashed towards Alucard, Luke's modified M1 Garand and Alucard's Jackal Pistol pointed at each other's heads at the ready]

Alucard: Be a sport and grab daddy another beer, would you~?

[Luke fires at Alucard in the head]

[cut back to Jan, Walter, Police Girl, with the ghouls all defeated. Police Girl has Jan pinned to the ground in an armbar hold.]

Seras Victoria: Arm bars everywhere!

Jan Valentine: Let me go, you stupid bitch!

Walter: That's quite impressive, where did you learn that hold?

Seras Victoria: Oh wow, it's almost like I'm a police girl or something!

Walter: Sarcasm is unbecoming of you.

Jan Valentine: Wow, gee willickers, mister, I sure am sorry for slaughterin' all your guards, and tearin' up your mansion. I promise I've learned my le- [Walter stomps on Jan's hand] Aw, fuck! Take a joke, asshole!

Walter: And everything you say just pisses me off! Now you're going to tell me everything I want to know.

Jan Valentine: Alright, alright... what you do, is you go down to the local pharmacy, ask for something called Viagra, and it will help you go fuck yourself!

[Walter loses his patience and prepares his wires, but then more ghouls appear and Jan breaks out of the submission hold]

Jan Valentine: And now, for the upcoming company picnic! [Presents an army of former Hellsing employees now turned into ghouls.] Unfortunately, all your douchebag co-workers are bringing is their own rotten flesh! Still better than potato salad, if you ask me. Now if'n you don't mind, [Jumps over the two of them] I'm-a go eat that Hellsing bitch!

Walter: I've got your arm! [Tears off Jan's right arm with his wire]

Jan Valentine: SO SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!!

[Jan laughs manaically as he busts opens the door, frowning as the Council members draw their guns]

Jan Valentine: Well, that's not fair at all.

Sir Integra: I'm sorry, [Draws her Sig P226 as she quips] we don't give a fuck!

[Rapid gunfire tears Jan to shreds. Jan screams (and curses) in surprise and pain]

Jan Valentine: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... agh! Fuck! [Slumps against a wall] Where the fuck did my ghouls go??

Walter: Oh, they've been dealt with.

[Seras, in a blood rage, slaughters ghouls; Dragula by Rob Zombie plays in the background]

Jan Valentine: Well, at least I'm gonna die with a raging boner...

Sir Integra: All right, shit for brains, you're going to spill every single thing you know, or I'm going to have Walter here peel your dick like a banana!

Jan Valentine: [Laughing] I don't know what's fuckin' funnier; the fact that you think that your titless ass intimidates me, or that you think my boss would let me live if you did! [Is suddenly enveloped in blue fire, ala a Dr. Avondale Napier; as he declares] AND NOW I'M ON FUCKING FIRE! SO NOW IT'S FREE GAME! The one who sent me... WAS... NAZIS!

[Jan burns to Ashes, leaving only his hand flipping the bird.]

Sir Integra: I heard George Lucas. Who else heard George Lucas?

Walter: I heard Miami Heat.

Seras Victoria: I heard the Motley Crue with my vampire hearing.

Sir Integra: Wait a second... where's the big brother?

[Back at Alucard's room, Alucard is clearly outmatched by Luke (at least that's what he's making it look like).]

Luke Valentine: You can't touch me, I was hand-crafted to kill you. My speed, my stamina, my power all rival, nay, dwarf yours! In comparison to you, I am a demi-god!!

(A Brief silence, as our "hero" registers what was just said.)

Alucard: ...Really? Really.

Luke Valentine: Really.

Alucard: Really?

Luke Valentine: Really!

Alucard: [Excitedly] REALLY?!

Luke Valentine: Really!!

Alucard: Release Restraint, level one.

Luke Valentine: Level what? [As in the Cromwell seal restriction has been lifted to level one; Totally not Kaio-Ken, for obvious reasons.]

[Luke loses a leg, thanks to the "dwarfed" Alucard's Jackal, fired ala Baskerville the Big Black Dog. God of War theme plays.]

Luke Valentine: Aaagh, aagh, fuck!

Alucard: You know, they say that TV makes you violent, but I say that not having my TV is making me pretty fucking violent!!

[Alucard's shoots his Jackal Pistol at Luke's OTHER leg, blowing the said, right leg clean off.]

Luke Valentine: AAAAAOOOOUGH-!!! [thinking] I'm near the stairs! Gotta get to the stairs! If I could just get up the stairs, I... [Suddenly sees just how long said stairs really are, much to his dismay.] Aaaaaw, fuck...!

Alucard: Come on! You were talking all of that good shit a second ago, then I blew your fucking legs off!!

Luke Valentine: But, I... you... what the fuck?!

Alucard: What's wrong "demi-god"? Just grow back your legs! [As he SMASHES the leg in his hand] Summon up your demons! Hit me! FIGHT ME!!! ...Give me a hug~!

Luke Valentine: Really...? [Baskerville the AFOREMENTIONED Big Black Dog descends upon him as a certain soon-to-be bloody Valentine cries: ] OH GOD NO-!!!

[Cut to conferance room phone, as the committee members and Integra listen to Luke being violently eaten alive. By the Big Black Dog. Integra smiles wryly.]

Alucard (on speakerphone): We're here on Epic Meal Time!! I'm the sauce boss, and tonight, we're eating this blond little wannabe demi-god bitch!

Sir Shelby Penwood: Who... is that, exactly?

Sir Integra: Oh, that's Alucard, the one we talked about earlier. This is what happens when he has to entertainhimself. Oh, so what was that issue with our funding?

Sir Shelby Penwood: Issue?

Sir Hugh Irons: What issue?

Sir Shelby Penwood: I don't see an issue!

Unknown: Shut up and take our money!!!

(Back at Integra's room)

Alucard: Ah, and just like that, everything turned out alright in the end.

Sir Integra: Yes, everything turned out just fine, except that ninety percent of our staff were killed, turned into ghouls, then killed again by the police girl in a blood rage.

Seras Victoria: What's a blood rage, and why don't I remember anything?

Alucard: Oh, that reminds me, for whatever reason, did we ever find out who sent them? 

[Brief Pause once again.]

Alucard: It was the Nazis, wasn't it?

Sir Integra: No!

Alucard: Bet you I'm right!

Sir Integra: Bet you you're wrong!

Alucard: Bet you you're a skank~!

Sir Integra: Bet you you're an asshole!

Alucard: BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!

Jan Valentine: The following is a fan based parody, Hellsing Ultimate is property of - Kouta Hirano and Studio MadHouse-? The fuck is this?! You assholes brought me back from the dead, to read this legal BULLSHIT?? No no no no no, FUCK THAT!. If I'm going to come back to life to read a fucking line, then its going to be my kind of fucking line. (Clears his throat, ending with a bit of a Tsk.) My throbbing vampire dick, is a fan based parody, its shaft, balls and scrotum are property of me, Jan Valentine, and whatever bitch I happen to be giving it to at the time. Please support my dick by helping with its offical release! ...You know you want to.

[Fade to Black]

Abraham Van Hellsing: Vampire king.

[Alucard groans as he opens his eyes, seeing Abraham over him. Around him, the Transylvanian Wasteland.]

Abraham Van Hellsing: You lay upon the blood-soaked dirt of your ruined land. Castles plundered. Dominions in ruin. Servants destroyed. All to end the hellfire with which you sought to cover the world. A bloody conquest having consumed hundreds of thousands. Countless villages razed to the ground. [grabs Alucard] And over twenty thousand impaled and prostrated by you and you alone to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men. What say you, monster, demon, devil conceived by the bleakest womb? WHAT SAY YOU NOW!?

[Alucard thinks long and hard about his answer, before finally stating, painfully:]

Alucard: The Aristocrats...

[Abraham growls before driving the stake into Alucard's heart. Suddenly, Alucard wakes up in the present day beneath the mansion.]

Alucard: Oh God... It's orientation day!!

[Scene changes to Integra adressing a certain group of mercenaries: The Wild Geese.]

Integra: Listen close. You've all been subcontracted as personal bodyguards for the Hellsing Organization. As you've heard, we deal with special interest targets: terrorists, cultists, and individuals who believe themselves to be of... [chuckles] a mystical persuasion.

[The Wild Geese start laughing.]

Pip: [chuckles] Well, is there anything else we should be informed about the facility?

Integra: Everything you need to know has already been covered in the briefing-

[Suddenly Alucard appears through the wall.]

Alucard: HEY KIDS, WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY!!?

[All of The Wild Geese start screaming.]

[Intro plays]

[The Wild Geese continue screaming, until...]

Integra: STOP SCREAMING!

[The The Wild Geese then replace their screaming with whimpering like the Dogs of War that they are.]

[Alucard walks completely through the wall.]

Alucard: So, what's up with the pride meeting?

Integra: They're a mercenary group contracted to replace all the soldiers we lost in the Valentine brother's--

Alucard: Wait, are these guys French?

Integra: We were forced to post mortality rates. They're the only ones who applied.

Alucard: We are really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

[Walter walks through the door behind Integra.]

Walter: Sir Integra, I apologize. I tried to stop him, but when I pleaded with him he merely responded with, and mind my French, no offense-

Pip: Some taken.

Walter: -"Fuck the police." He then proceeded to tilt every painting he passed on the way here.

[Alucard laughs evilly.]

Integra: Oh God... Walking through that hallway's going to give me such a headache now.

[Walter pulls out a letter.]

Walter: Speaking of headaches, a very curious letter arrived for you in the mail.

[Integra takes the letter and reads the address.]

Integra: Enrico Maxwell?? That filthy, slimy, arrogant ITALIAN PIECE OF SHI--

[Scene immediately changes to an art museum, where Integra and Walter greet Enrico Maxwell and his escort, Father O'Mally'O'Connell'O'Carroll'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan (who is also Italian), or much more conveniently known as Renaldo.]

Integra: Maxwell. Oh, it's been far too long.

Enrico: I agree, you are no longer that little girl I used to know. [removes glasses] Look at all those lines on your face.

Integra: And look at all the brown on your nose; how is the Pope doing?

Enrico: Better than your failing Church.

Integra: Well, not all of us can exploit illegals...

Enrico: But you don't waste time making money off Rupert Murdoch!!

[Alucard walks through the wall to greet Enrico.]

Alucard: Honestly, if you're gonna have a dick fighting competition with a woman, you must have started off with the world's cruelest handicap... Which I'm sure benefits the nine-year-old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet. [Cut to a very, very peeved Maxwell, who is about to crush his spectacles in his hand.] Which was paid for how?? Oh right! "Generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God... All over his back!

[Enrico finally crushes his glassses in his hand, in utter frustration, crying out:]

Enrico: ANDERSOOOOOON!!!!!

[Anderson appears at the end of the hallway and takes out his bayonets.]

Anderson: Serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling!

[Alucard takes out his guns as his hat falls off his head in sheer psychotic bliss.]

Alucard: YOU GOT ME A PRESENT!?

[Anderson walks toward Alucard, not exactly reluctant to rip said Fuckr to Bloody Pieces.]

Anderson: Kiss the son lest he be angry, and ye perish from the way when his wrath is kindled but a little!

[Alucard and Anderson stand face-to-face ready to battle, both laughing maniacally; suddenly Seras appears with a group of old people, who so happened to in Group B, the Japanese tour, in between Alucard and Anderson.]

Seras: Right this way group B~! That's right~! Right in front of everyone else~! You're 80, you're used to it~! We're going to look at art and paintings, which I believe are also art, I don't know~! I'm Cockney, I'm uncultured~!

[Alucard lowers his guns.]

Alucard: [groans] Well, my boner's gone.

Anderson: Aye, kind of a mood-killer.

Alucard: Why don't we try this again some other time?

Anderson: Of course! Kill you later you monstrous heathen.

[Alucard and Anderson walk away.]

Alucard: You too, you Catholic sociopath. Whoops, tautology!

[Enrico and Integra return to their discussion, more than eager to change the subject at hand.]

Enrico: You want some coffee?

Integra: [smiles] I'd love some.

[Scene changes to the outdoor café.]

Integra: So, the letter you sent never specified the purpose of this meeting.

Enrico: Consider this a business transaction. I have two pieces of information that I wish to trade with you.

Integra: And what would those be?

Enrico: The true identity of Millenium.

Integra: Who?

Enrico: The organization who assailed your compound.

Integra: Oh yeah, there was some debate over that.

Enrico: And the whereabouts of said Millenium.

Integra: And what could you possibly want in exchange?

Enrico: Oh, nothing major, just two simple apologies. From you and your subordinate, known as the Crimson Fucker... also known as Alucard.

[Momentary pause at Integra's face.]

Integra: So you want an apology from me?

Enrico: I figured, but didn't want to assume.

Integra: And, by chance, what would I have to apologize to the Iscariot Organization for?

Enrico: Well, originally I'd ask you to apologize for being a scum-sucking, blaspheming, ignorant, Protestant pig sow! But in this case, the sins of your pet vampire are of greater concern.

Integra: What did he do this time?

Enrico: Over the last couple of years, he has sent no less than 400 death threats to the Pope. By carrier pigeon, no less. They just, fly right into the Vatican. The latest one writ as such: [clears throat] "Dear-"

[Alucard's letter is shown with Alucard voicing over the letter]

Alucard: Dear Chief Replacement, I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you are curious about the frequency of which I've sent these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with. That's right. I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey. Follow me on Twitter TheCrimsonFuckr!

[Scene returns to Integra and Enrico.]

Enrico: "Sincerely, Alucard."

Integra: I can't help but ponder the frightful headway we'd make if he put that sort of energy into his job.

Enrico: So, that apology~?

Integra: [sigh] I'm sor--

[Scene immediately cuts to Integra and Walter back in the mansion.]

Integra: So that's where they are.

Walter: Interesting. But do you think Alucard would go?

Integra: Not as long as it's an order.

[Walter ponders on what to do, then gets an idea.]

Walter: I think I have an idea.

[Scene cuts to Walter and Alucard conversing.]

Walter: Did you know you have vacation days?

Alucard: I have vacation days!? You mean I can leave anytime I want and not get yelled at over the phone? Because, seriously, it's always over the phone! Mostly because I don't like to argue with her in person. I get a boner; it's super awkward.

Walter: Quite.

Alucard: Well, that settles it. I'm going traveling!

Walter: Yes, you can go anywhere you wish... Except for Brazil. Sir Integra was quite insistent that you never visit Brazil.

[The two look at each other for a few seconds.]

Alucard: I'm taking the Police Girl and the Frenchman!

[Scene cuts to Alucard sitting in a private jet with a glass of wine in his hand; Pip sits on the other side of him with a newspaper; Pitbull's "I Know You Want Me" plays in the background.]

Pip: So, where is the Police Girl?

Alucard: Oh, y'know, she's downstairs.

[Pip lowers his newspaper.]

Pip: Isn't that the cargo hold?

[Scene changes to Seras locked in her coffin in the cargo hold.]

Seras: I have a fear of flying, coffins, and tight places!

[Scene cuts to an overhead view of Rio de Janeiro, showing the Christ the Redeemer statue.]

Alucard: JESUS WANTS A HUG~!

[Fade to the hotel Alucard and Seras are staying in.]

Hotel Employee/Bishounen O'Brien: There we are. A regular two-bedroom!

Alucard: Hilarious! No. I want the penthouse.

[O'Brien looks concerned.]

O'Brien: I'm sorry, sir. Mr. Chevy Chase currently has that room reserved.

[Alucard raises his hand, controlling O'Brien's mind.]

Alucard: I SAID... you want to give me the penthouse.

[O'Brien, eyes wide, under the control of a Jedi Mind Trick, repeats what Alucard said.]

O'Brien: I... want to give you the penthouse.

Alucard: And you want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.

O'Brien: And I want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.

[Alucard talks to Pip.]

Alucard: See this, Frenchy? I can make him say whatever I want. [to O'Brien] White Chicks was amazing.

O'Brien: White Chicks was amazing~!

Alucard: He believes it, too!

Pip: EUGH!

Scarlet Tampon: Scarlet Tampon to Sticky Sock. The Crimson Fucker has checked in. I repeat, The Crimson Fucker has checked in. Also, I'm choosing the god-damn nicknames next time.

[Scarlet Tampon then hides as Pip opens the door.]

Pip: So, if this doesn't sound weird, would you maybe like to get a drink later? Hit up a club?

Alucard: You're not my friend. You're my bodyguard. Make it past two weeks, I might learn your name. Until then, you're spare blood. 

Pip: Geez, fine. 

Alucard: Also tell that guy to stop spying on me! It's creepy!

[Scarlet Tampon walks hastily away]

Scarlet Tampon: Shit, shit, shit!

Alucard: Now that I'm all by myself, I can just kick back and reeeeel-

[Scene then cuts to a reporter documenting on seemingly yet another one of Alucard's fuck-ups.]

Reporter: Shots fired from the Penthouse suite of the top floor...

Pip: What?

Reporter: The initial S.W.A.T. team has not reported back (shows pictures of Seras and Alucard. Pip does a spit take. Also Anderson is shown laughing as he watches the report.) leading officials to fear the worst. The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman, and some Ozzy Osbourne looking motherfucker. (Integra also watches and is understandably pissed.)

Integra: On the phone. Get him on the phone! I want him on the phone right now!

[Phone rings.]

Alucard: Hold on a minute, I got to take this.

[Alucard presses button on phone]

Alucard: Y'ello?

Integra: What did you do?

Alucard: Alright. But you can't be mad at me.

Integra: What did you do?

Alucard: Okay, first, I was minding my own business-

Integra: (Slams hand on table) BULLSHIT!!!

Alucard: (Whining) I was!

Integra: And exactly what happened whilst you were "minding your own business?"

Alucard: So I was just chillaxing in my room like a baller, and then all of a sudden these schmucks kicked in my door!

[Door gets kicked in by B.O.P.E. forces, as Alucard recounts his trial of tribulation.]

Alucard: One of them yelled out, (Cut to the B.O.P.E. Schmuck.)

Schmuck: Get on your knees!

Alucard: and I responded with: (Cut to the past.) I'm not your mother last night!! And they took exception to that. (Raging gunfire ensues, as the Schmuck emits a war cry, and Alucard's body gets shot to the ground. Not Dead, by the way. KThxDie.) But you know how that song and dance goes. (Men screaming as they die) And I killed all but one of them.

Integra: What happened to the last one?

(Man whimpering and shoots himself in the head.)

Alucard: PUSSED OUT LIKE A BITCH!! Silver lining? I can cancel my room service! 

(Sounds of sirens and dogs, at the B.O.P.E.'s Command Tent, featuring about 7 Corrupt Pricks.)

Corrupt Prick 1: So we've sent, like, 10 guys up there and we haven't heard back. Think everything's alright? 

Tubalcain: Naturalmente, don't worry about it. Of course everything's fine~!

Prick 1: Well, no matter what we're still going to get our immortality right?

Tubalcain: Buddy, my friend, do I look like the kind of guy who would go back on an agreement? By the way, you may want to send more men.

Prick 1: Well that sounds reasonable. 

(Cut to Intergra on the phone. Sounds of Alucard eating.)

Alucard: (Eating dead shmucks over the phone) You've been, like, really quiet for, like, five minutes (continues eating) Oh, I know why you're angry! It's because I went to Brazil, isn't it? 

Integra: Alucard. Put the police girl on the phone. 

Alucard: Really? You want to talk to... Okay, fine, whatever. (Muffled) Take the fucking call. 

Seras: (Muffled) What does she want? 

Alucard: (Muffled) I don't fucking know, she wanted to talk to you. I'm going for a walk. 

Seras: (Picking up phone) 'Ello?

Integra: Whatever you do, do not let Alucard leave that room! Under any circumstance!

Seras: Actually, he just left. He said he was going for a walk. 

Integra: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Cut to Alucard walking down a hallway, full of B.O.P.E. Dopes, with his guns out as his theme song from the Gonzo Anime plays - A Left Foot Trapped in a Sensual Seduction.) 

Alucard: Hey guys, how's your health plan?

[Soldiers yell and start shooting.]

Alucard: Apparently it's great!

[Men yelling and guns firing.]

Integra: (Over Alucard literally Fucking the Police) Walter. Be honest with me. What are we looking at in terms of collateral?

Walter: Well... The Alucard amount. 

[Alucard walks out of an elevator full of dead bodies, then sends several B.O.P.E. Dopes flying out of the hotel and impaling them on flagpoles in front of a stunned crowd. He then exits the hotel and is met by Tubalcain.]

Tubalcain: I heard you know how to make an entrance! If I had known you were going to do all this, I'd have hung some Union Jacks for you. 

Alucard: Hold on! Did you put all of this on for me~? Who are you? 

Tubalcain: I am Tubalcain(Mispronounced Tublacain) Alhambra, or the Dandy Man. I may or may not have fed a lie to the local policia that in return for your capture, I would give them immortality. 

Alucard: And they fucking bought that??

Tubalcain: Like discount pischi.

Alucard: You cheeky dick waffle! So then, what's the deal?

Tubalcain: A cute choice of words... I wish to play a card game, vampiro.

Alucard: What, we talking 52 Pickup?

Tubalcain: No... More like 52 CUT UP!! (Sends card attack at Alucard).

Alucard: Hit me~! Whoop-!

[Men screaming over Integra's TV as they're caught in the crossfire.]

Integra: Oh my God, why are they doing this outside?! (More men are killed by Tubalcain.) Well, at least he's just dodging him... (Alucard "accidentally" blasts at least a couple B.O.P.E. Dopes.) Oh, come on, that was on purpose!!

[Alucard shoots Tubalcain in the neck, who disappears.]

Alucard: So, he can make card clones...

[Tubalcain appears behind him and sends him flying, with a "Whup-!".]

Tubalcain: You activated my trap card!

Alucard: Oh boy! (Explosion around Alucard.)

Tubalcain: Hehehehehe!

Alucard: Hey Dandy Dick! (The Dandy Man turns his head, and finds Alucard on the side of a building.) You missed! WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP~!

[Cut to command tent, with men rushing and talking, likely acting as guards for the Corrupt Pricks.]

Prick 2: Do you think Alhambra can take him?

Prick 1: Calm down, man, it's fine. I'm just focused on what I'm going to do with my immortality!

[Pip, disguised as a B.O.P.E Officer, walks into the tent, about to do some Vigilante Justice.]

Prick 2: Joke's on you! I'm getting double immortality! Huh?

[Pip shoots the corrupt Politicians/Pricks, starting with #2, then moving onto #1, and so on, while counting up to 7 in French.]

Prick 6: No, no, no, no- Argh-!! (- He cried, as he gets shot in the head)

[Pip walks out of the tent humming the French national anthem; La Marseillaise. The tent explodes via C4 Planted in the Tent, killing or at least wounding many other people around it, Corrupt Prick or no.]

Pip: (Lights cigarette) Well, let's see what he thinks about having that drink with me.

[Cut to Alucard bleeding on the roof of the hotel]

Alucard: *Grunts* Could use a drink right now! Not used to seeing this much of my own blood anymore... *Pant* Guy's got magic cards... and magic hands!

Tubalcain: Tell me Alucard, are you a betting man?

Alucard: I believe that's your shtick.

Tubalcain: I'd like to make a little bet with you, vagabundo. I'll end your life... with one hand.

Alucard: I'll take that bet. Now... HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!!

[Tubalcain sends two cards at Alucard, which seem to do nothing.]

Alucard: Oh, shame for you... [Said as he releases Cromwell Control Art Restriction, Level 1, as he did with that Pile of Dog-Shit, Luke Valentine.] You activated my Alu-Card!

Tubalcain: What? (Seras shoots the cards out of his hands.) Que mierda [The Shit!?]

[Tubalcain is hit by a hail of 12.7mm bullets.]

Seras: GET SOOOOME!!!!

Tubalcain: Puta [Whore/Slut/Bitch]!!

[Seras pulls out the Harkonnen, having blown her load.]

Seras: Trump this!!

[She fires it at Tubalcain, who cuts it in two with a card.]

Tubalcain: I'm getting real tired of this shit!

Alucard: You and me both!

Tubalcain: HRRRNGH-!!! (Swinging a card at him!)

[Alucard grabs him and breaks his leg.]

Tubalcain: URAAAAGHHH!!!

Alucard: Now show me your hand... DANDY MAAAAAAAN!!!!

Tubalcain: AARGH-!! (- He cried as he tried the same trick twice, this time countering Alucard's arm! ...Well, trying to no avail.)

[Alucard rips Tubalcain's arm in half in response.]

Tubalcain: HUUUURRRAAAAAGH-!!!

[After Tubalcain squealed like a Pig, Alucard grabs his face.]

Tubalcain "Pig-Man" Alhambra: Ah-ha-ha-haaa-! (whimpers) Eeeh?.

Alucard: Hey Dandy Man?

Tubalcain: Hnnh?

Alucard: You lost.

Tubalcain: Nn-Hnnh...

Alucard: And now I have to read your mind.

Tubalcain: Hnnh??

Alucard: By drinking all of your blood...

Tubalcain: Urh! Urh! Urh!! Urh!! AAH!!!

Alucard: OM NOM NOM NOM!

(Blood splatters as Alucard starts reading his... apparently hallucinogenic thoughts. Cue footage from "The Music Scene" By Blockhead.)

Alucard: The fuck is this? The fuck is that?? The fuck are those?!

(Alucard then sees a silhouette of The Major in front of a Nazi flag. Cue Gradus Vita.)

Alucard: Ohohohohohoho! Ooohohohahahahahaha! (Drops the suinate corpse and starts clapping.) Ahahahahahahahahahahahah!!

Seras: M-master?

Alucard: Hold on-! I need to tweet about this...

[Cut to Integra browsing her Twitter. She then sees Alucard's tweet, which reads as such: "IT'S NAZIS. #calledit #bitcheslovecannons #fuckmotheringvampire"]

Integra: *sighs*

Walter: Sir Integra, is something the matter?

Integra: ...It's the fucking-

[Cuts to the Major.]

Major: ♩NAZIIIS♩!

Doctor: I am zo zorry, Major, for zhe failure of zhe Dandy Man.

Major: Oh, give it a rest, Herr Docktor. He was a Brazilian dog who died feeding a much bigger beast a valuable piece of information. 

Doctor: But Major, now zhat zhey know of our plans...

Major: Ah, Herr Doctor, but that iz the plan~! Now that zhey know our plan, zhey will plan around our plan, and zo we zhall in turn plan around zhe plan zhat zhey are planning around our plan!!

Doctor: ...Your brilliance knows no bounds!

Major: And regardless... We have one advantage that they sorely lack... ZEPPELINS!

Tubalcain: The following is a fan based parody, puta. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Vá lamber o cu da sua mãe. It means go suck your mother's cu-

[Scene changes to show Integra talking on the phone with Alucard]

Alucard: Say it!

Integra: Fuck you.

Alucard: After you say it!

Integra: You're really going to force me on this?

Alucard: I'm at half mast! I need to hear this!

Integra: Fine!! You were RIGHT!

[Alucard makes a groan of extreme pleasure]

Integra: JUMP UP YOUR OWN ASS AND DIE! [slams down the phone]

[Scene change to Alucard in the safehouse]

Alucard: Ahhhhh! Houston, we have no problems.

[Anderson kicks in the door. Pip and Seras gasp.]

Alucard: Okay, dude, I just- I just finished, I'mma need like five minutes over here to recharge.

[Anderson punches Alucard in the face]

Alucard: Never mind, we're back in business!

[Alucard draws his guns and Anderson draws his bayonets. Seras swings the Harkonnen at Anderson.]

Seras: I've got him!

[Anderson throws a bayonet and pins an official notice to the wall right next to Seras' head, causing her to become jittery and slump to the ground]

Seras: OH!

Alucard: Oh great, and now she's triggered. Could be all day with it.

[Seras mumbles incomprehensibly]

Anderson: The good Lord has handed down a blessing to you filthy heathens as a sign of good will. A small private Vatican jet. [picks his broken glasses up off the floor] Now, if you would be so very Christian-like to ship your sorry pale ass out?! And take your trigger happy harlot with ya! [Seras is still traumatized on the ground, cue scene with Pip drinking from a Soda cup from not-McDonald's, in Omake style.] And the woman!

Pip: [Turning to Anderson, annoyance not exactly out of the question.] Don quoi?

Alucard: Man, I don't know what I find funnier, the Catholic Church strong-arming you into helping us, or the fact that you obviously haven't seen what I did to the statue of Big J!

[Scene change to show the private jet flying past the statue of Christ the Redeemer, which now has a banner tied across it which reads "420YOLOSWAG4JESUS"]

Anderson: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[Intro plays]

[Scene change to show the city of London, then a meeting between the Hellsing Organization and Iscariot in the Queen's palace]

[Enrico and Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan (Who is also an Italian named Rinaldo) are examining photographs]

Father Rinaldo: The banner won't-a come-a down. I think it's a constrictor knot.

[We hear Alucard's muffled voice outside the door to the room]

Alucard: What- What do you mean you forgot the song? Okay, screw, screw it, no screw it, screw it! Just- Just take my phone and hit random. No, just hit random. Okay, three, two...

[Door bursts open, and Alucard makes a dynamic entrance with the chorus to the song "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks. Everyone in the meeting looks shocked or appalled]

Alucard: Yeah, okay, turn it off, turn it off. It didn't work. It did not work.

Integra: Following your example.

Alucard: Ooh, catty. [sees the Queen] Oh, shit, is that Betty?

[Two guards try to block him from reaching her]

Guard: Excuse me sir, you're going to have to- [gets tossed aside by Alucard]

Alucard: Get out of my way~!

Queen: Well, well, well. If it isn't Allie.

[Alucard kneels in front of her. She grasps his face in her hands]

Queen: Your skin is still as smooth as the day I felt it on my own.

Alucard: You know it. Reminds me of when I'd keep your bed warm during the blitz.

Queen: Those were better days. I was younger, beautiful...

Alucard: Oh shut up you old hag, I'd still wreck you like Diana!

Queen: Hahahahaha! Oh you know exactly what to say to moisten me up.

Penwood: (Offscreen,) Gah, I can never have sex again!

Integra: Alucard, if you please.

[Alucard stands up and faces the meeting]

Alucard: You're right. Enough focusing on the past. Instead, let's focus on the past! [We see flashbacks to his and Walter's battles with the Nazis, considering we're a bit too early to Abridge the Dawn.] Back in World War II, Walter and I were part of a top-secret government operation called "Operation: Kraut Control". Walter was fifteen, and I'm pretty sure if I'm remembering correctly, I was a girl.

Reggie: Wait a second, but that implies that the Queen-

Alucard: INTERRUPT MY STORY AGAIN, REGGIE! SEE WHAT HAPPENS! [More flashbacks] But yeah, we were under orders to stick it sideways to a group of Nazi scientist whackjobs interested in creating a vampire army. And did we~!

Integra: Seems you missed a spot.

Alucard: Are you- are you gonna do this right now? In front of everybody?

Integra: The point is, enough members have survived and are planning on finishing their mission. They've established a base in Brazil and are using the name-

Schrodinger: Millennium.

[Integra and Enrico gasp. Heinkel and Pip pull their guns out.]

Schrodinger: Warten Sie! How do you say, "do not shoot ze messenger."

Alucard: Ah, the return of the why boner. With a vengeance.

Integra: How did he get in here?

Walter: We had over a dozen guards.

Alucard: Those were ours? I mean- Oh my God, how did he get through the guards!?

[Schrodinger sets up a portable TV]

Schrodinger: My commanding officer, ze Major, would like to personally introduce himself, along with our vonderful organization.

[Schrodinger presses a button on the remote, but the TV doesn't come on.]

Schrodinger: What?! Uh- Ah-

The Major: Schrodinger?

Schrodinger: It's not working Major!

The Major: Did you click "TV" zen "Power"?

Schrodinger: Oh wait, I'm on Video 2.

The Major: Nein, Video 1.

Schrodinger: Got it!

[TV finally comes on showing the Major]

The Major: Hello~!

Alucard: Hahahahahaha, ahahahahahaha! He's still so fucking fat! He's like a Nazi Louis C.K.! Wait wait no no, Jim Gaffigan! Jim Gaffigan!

The Major: Ah, if it isn't ze memorable Alucard. His provider, Sir Integra, ze bean counters, und of course, very interesting to see by the way, the Vatican. How does it feel to vork with your sworn enemies, Father Maxwell?

Enrico: Not as painful as your obnoxious voice.

The Major: Ah, come on, we used to be friends with ze Vatican! Remember how you aided us in our escape from Germany~?

[People at the meeting gasp, and Enrico looks both mortified and livid.]

The Major: Oh, I guess zhey weren't supposed to know that.

Integra: So, that's how you knew about them.

Enrico: (Sighing, his expression reversing.) Yes.

The Major: I'm sure you're chomping at the bit to find out vhat ve have in store for you, nein?

Integra: Nazi army.

The Major: ...wow, just, kill all the fun! Put the fun in camps, vhy don't you?!

Alucard:  (Knowing a thing or two about Mass Murder and Genocide, he replies: ) Yeah, you Fun-Nazi.

Integra: GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!

The Major: Well, mind me if it seems a little too American for you, but at some time, some place, something vill attack you. Maybe. Probably. Could be happening right noooow~!

Alucard: Fingers crossed!

The Major: But rest assured this is no simple incursion...

[Focus shifts to Schrodinger and Seras as the Major keeps talking in the background. Schrodinger takes note of Seras. In Omake style.]

Schrodinger: Fraulein! Fraulein! Fraulein! HEY FRAULEIN!

Seras: Oi.

Schrodinger: Ve would make beautiful children. [Seras is shocked/creeped out]

[Alucard blows Schrodinger's head off]

Alucard: Was that boy/girl bugging you?

The Major: Und like zhat, the war begins!

Alucard: Whoops! Did I just accidentally a war?

Integra: Police Girl!

[Seras blows up the TV showing the Major]

Seras: (Thinking to herself) Huh. They would've looked rather nice actually.

Integra: Alright now, Alucard, clean that u- (sees that Schrodinger's body and all the blood has completely vanished) uh- oh.

Alucard: Oh wow! Looks like he was self-cleaning. And/or magical.

Queen: Integra? Alucard?

Alucard: Yes, sugarlips?

Queen: When you find him, and when you kill him, I want you to record it, so I can fall asleep to it every night.

Alucard: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, I'VE MISSED YOU!

Enrico: (Offended) HEY!

Alucard: Oh shut up.

[Scene change to The Major, The Doctor, and The Captain walking down a hallway aboard the Zeppelin]

The Doctor: Well, Major, I think that went vell.

The Major: You think it went vell?! Herr Doctor, I was there, und much like our former boss- [we briefly see a clip of the old SS colonel, being torn apart by the Major's vampire soldiers] -I killed it.

[They arrive at the bridge, where Schrodinger is sitting in the Major's command chair.]

Schrodinger: Let us hope ze Major does not end up ze same! We do not have the freezer space to store all ze incidental leftovers!

The Major: Ah, Doctor, usually it is a faux pas to give a pet as a gift, but I love him!

The Doctor: Major, I am so sorry for his disrespectful disposition!

The Major: Ah, don't vorry. I much enjoy some playful cattiness in my staff. Nonetheless, it is time for phase two of our operation. Our fraulein's excursion to ze English Channel.

[Scene change to show a Nazi helicopter moving to land on the deck of an English aircraft carrier. We see the ship's control room.]

Radar Operator: Sir, there's an inbound helicopter trying to land.

Ship's Captain: That seems odd. Commander Violet, do you know-

[Commander Violet is shown to be a vampire]

Ship's Captain: OH GOD, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE PURPLE!

[Crew gets killed.]

[The helicopter lands, and Raven Nazi Flat-chested Bespectacled Excel- ah, excuse me, Rip Van Winkle steps out.]

Rip: Zhis is mein favorite kind of ship: Running with blood und seamen.

Violet: What?

Rip: Zhe Game~!

Violet: What game?!

Rip: You lose! LOL, I'm so random!

Violet: Uh, so, the ship is now under your command, Miss Rip Van Winkle.

Rip: Ah, danke schoen, Captain! Tell me, how did it feel slaughtering your kinsmen, turning them into Ghouls, betraying your family und country, all for the selfish desire to become an immortal vampire?

Violet: Wow, uh, when you put it like that I feel like kind of a cunt.

Rip: Oh, but you know what might make you feel better, Captain?

Violet: Uh, what's that?

[Rip levels her musket at the sailors, who gasp.]

Rip: Checking your privilege. [Opens fire]

[Scene change to the Hellsing mansion]

Alucard: Walter, if I may confide in you...

Walter: I temper my sense of decency in expectation.

Alucard: I am positively throbbing over these guys returning.

Walter: Well, if it lasts for more than four hours...

Alucard: Walter, do you know what my top three favorite things I've killed are? Third is the Turks. Second is Nazis. Can you guess the first?

Walter: Your father?

Alucard: (Claps) Nailed it!

[Scene change to Anderson talking with Enrico on the phone while confronting a group of Millennium soldiers.]

Anderson: I see! Now it's open season for these heathen swine!

Enrico: Alexander, while I mirror your fervor to lay steel upon the soulless jowls of the English Church, we have a much bigger foe knocking at our door.

Anderson: They knock at the door of Hellsing, and as the wolf huffs and puffs, we shall skewer these pigs ourselves.

Enrico: I do not know the metaphor on which you draw, but regardless, we must set aside the quarrels of our houses and unite under the banner of God.

Anderson: Ah, I see! So this... is a CRUSADE!

Enrico: No, nonononono! We don't say that anymore, we're calling it... ah, damn, what do the American cows say?

Anderson: Peacekeeping?

Enrico: Right! Now, shall we... keep the peace?

Millennium Soldiers: FOR MILLENNIUM!

[They open fire on Anderson, who quickly dispatches them.]

Anderson: Only until it's time to slide in the knife.

[Scene change to a meeting between Integra and Sir Penwood in the London war room]

Penwood: We lost communication with the vessel eighteen hours ago. Currently, it's resting in the Atlantic 300 kilometers off the coast of Pauling.

Integra: Have you acquired visual via satellite?

Aide: Yes, and they've left a rather cryptic message that we've yet to make any sense of.

[We see Integra looking at a photograph of the ship's deck with the phrase "THE CAKE IS A LIE" scrawled on the deck in blood.]

Integra: I- I don't get this. I don't get it.

Penwood: None of us know what it means either.

Integra: Is it a reference or something?

Aide: Of course, there was one other shot we had—

[We see a photograph of a yellow umbrella in the middle of the phrase on the deck.]

Aide: —which looks to be someone sitting in the middle with a yellow parasol. Seems a tad random if you ask me.

[Quick cut to Rip on the deck holding a yellow parasol, and her musket]

Rip: Rainbow, tacos, Doctor Who, Homestuck~!

[Cut back to the war meeting.]

Integra: This person looks like they're begging for attention.

Penwood: And they're about to get it! The Special Air Service has deployed two platoons via helicopter. They'll have visual any moment now.

[There is a long pause.]

Walter: Ma'am?

Integra: Wait for it...

[Another brief pause.]

Radar Operator: We've lost both helis! [The assembled officers gasp] And that was Portal, by the way. That's Portal. That's... what it's from.

[Sir Penwood is visibly shaking by now]

Penwood: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Integra: Well, this has been fun. Always nice playing audience to this menagerie you call a military. Since it seems like you've got this one on lockdown, I'll leave you to it.

[Integra gets up and turns to leave.]

Penwood: Whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!! Based on new information that has been presented to us, uh, we've decided we - require the Hellsing Organization and their services.

Integra: You know, it's amazing how much time and people we could save if you'd just ask us in the first place. [She turns to leave] Walter?

[Walter chuckles and follows her out.]

[Scene change to a hallway with Walter and Integra walking down it.]

Walter: We're talking a hefty game, Sir Integra. Three hundred kilometers into the Atlantic and they seem to be able to annihilate anything we send at them.

Integra: ... and we can't send a submarine, it could be a depth charge showcase down there.

Walter: Can't go at it from the sides, can't go at it from below.

Integra: So our only option is to hit that son of a bitch from above.

Walter: Well, we do have one option. However, it was decommissioned in 1998...

[Alucard enters the scene.]

Alucard: The Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird. An advanced long-range strategic reconnaissance aircraft capable of Mach 3 and an altitude of 85,000 feet.

Integra: You sure do seem to know a lot about it.

Alucard: DO YOU EVEN READ MY CHRISTMAS LIST?!

[Scene change to show Rip Van Winkle dancing and singing the song "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley.]

Rip: A full commitment's what I'm thinking of~! You would't get this from any other guy~!

[Cut to the bridge.]

Nazi Officer 1: The hell is she singing now?

Nazi Officer 2: I have no idea, I think it was popular a couple years back.

Nazi Officer 3: At least she is no longer on about the ponies, and the friendship, and the wrapping up of winter.

[During this, Rip sings the lines I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling; Gotta make you understand~! in the background.]

[Cut back to Rip singing.]

Rip: Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you~! Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you~!

[She suddenly collapses and trembles in fear.]

Rip: (Gasps) IT'S HIM! LIKE ZHE MAJOR SAID!

[The bridge officers are unaware of what is actually happening.]

Nazi Officer 2: Uh, mein fraulein Van Winkle, the- the song was nice, so you don't need to-

Rip: (Aiming her musket straight up) PREPARE FOR COMBAT! IT'S ALUCAAAAARRRD!!!

[We see Alucard flying in with the SR-71 Blackbird as "Shoot to Thrill" by AC/DC starts to play.]

Nazi Officer 2: Focus your fire! We are going to tear that aircraft apart!!

[Alucard grins in expectation. The Nazi gunners open fire, but cannot stop the Blackbird. Rip takes aim at it with her Musket.]

Rip: Zhey say no man can kill you Alucard? That's because you don't need a man to do a woman's job!

[Rip fires and destroys the Blackbird, but Alucard releases his Level Two restraint and continues to dive towards the deck.]

Rip: VHAT?!

[Alucard and the Blackbird's wreckage impact on the ship's deck, setting it ablaze. We see one Nazi set on fire screaming and subsequently crushed by debris. We then see Alucard rising from the wreckage completely unharmed.]

[Rip is terrified at this point.]

Alucard: So... nice ship you got here.

[Rip pulls herself together and levels her musket at Alucard. A remix of "In the Hall of the Mountain King" from "The Social Network" soundtrack starts to play.]

Rip: I am Rip Van Winkle, und I command your respect!

Alucard: No, you demand my attention.

[Rip fires on Alucard.]

Alucard: Ow! Ooh!

Rip: I don't have to take this from you! You racist, cisgendered, patriarch-propagating, misogynistic pig! [Rip then gasps as Alucard catches a bullet with his teeth.]

Alucard: The funny thing is- [Crushes the Bullet in his teeth.] -in any other circumstance, you might have had a point there. Except my boss is a woman, I was a chick in the 40's, I hate everyone equally, and there's no one alive who can comprehend my sexual preference. So in other words, Miss Van Winkle- (punches Rip in the face) -CH-CH-CH-CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!

[Alucard grabs Rip's musket and begins shoving it through her chest.]

Rip: Vait- Vhat are you-?!

Alucard: Oh? Haven't you heard the new sensation sweeping the nation? Bitches love cannons.

[Rip screams as Alucard fully impales her on her musket, killing her.]

[Scene change to the Major addressing the troops on board the zeppelin.]

The Major: Gentlemen. Operation Bait Van Winkle is a rezounding success. Alucard is now exactly where we need him to be so we can move forward with our little...surprise. However, before ve begin our next phase, I would like to take some time to address a rumor floating around the fleet. Some of you have come to believe that I like var. I wish to dash these rumors! I do not like var. I. LOVE. VAR. Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of var. You get up in ze morning, you get into your shitty car, und you see a rich CEO, who works half as hard as you do, drive down ze street in his Porsche. "Class Var." You make it to vork, und you find out that ze annual drug test is today, und you just so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights ago before dinner with your wife's awful parents. "Drug Var." But zhen, you find out that ze only ones being called in for testing are your black and Hispanic co-workers. "Race Var." Then, you try und post about it on your Facebook, but zen all your friends start arguing about vhat's right und what's wrong. "Flame Var." You finally get home, und you decide to relax by vatching a program about: "Who gets ze box?" "What's in ze box?" "How much is vhat's in ze box worth?" "Storage Vars." (chuckles) (Gustav Holsts - "The Planets - Mars, the Bringer of War"starts playing in the background) What I am telling you, my Nazi army of one zhousand vampires, is that I am a purveyor of var. And with your help over ze years, ve are now at the precipice of our true goal. You see, I vant a simple var. No Class Vars, no Drug Vars, no Race Vars, no Flame Vars, und certainly, no Cold Vars! Blueballed for forty years. Vhat I vant is a var zhat only ve can bring. A true var! A German var! The sequel you've all been vaiting for! I! VANT! VORLD! VAR! THREE!!!

[The Millennium Soldiers begin cheering, ala the Ending to Episode 1.]

Millennium Soldiers: Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!

[We then see several characters including Anderson, Enrico, Seras, and Pip staring at the moon, which has turned blood red, an ominous sign of what is to come that night. Which will be Long. and Bloody.]

[Then, we see Alucard on the ship. At the sight of the moon, he begins laughing maniacally.]

Alucard: I better not miss a damn thing.

Rip Van Winkle: Ze following is a fan based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, und licenced by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, und ze Funimation. Please support ze official release.

[In the background The Clash's Should I Stay Or Should I Go plays. Scene changes to a London corner pub]

British Dude: Oh, come on, love. Show us ye tits.

[The woman slaps him in the face]

British Dude: Oh, she declined. Now, let's get pissed.

British Dude 2: Hey mate. What's the last thing ye ever thought ye'd ever see in the night sky?

British Dude: Oh uh, that's a deep question, man, I--

British Dude 2: Oh, no, cause it's blimps.

[The camera pans up to the Nazi zeppelins flying over London, playing Herms Niel's Das Engellandlied over loudspeakers]

The Major: Gentlemen... Ve have made it! [Platoon of Nazis on the zeppelin applause loudly] Alright. Achtung! Achtung!

Hans: Whoo whoo!

The Major: Hans! Hans! Bring it down a notch.

Hans: [With quiet voice] Whoooh...

The Major: Now. Herr Doktor, Captain, First Lieutenant, und our fabulous mascot. Please lead us off.

The Doktor: Of course. Everyone, thank you for coming to the mandatory pre-var seminar. Please open your "World War III" pamphlets to page three, as the first two pages merely contain a foreword from Nicolas Cage.

The Major: Ve have an exciting itinerary of the evening's events. Tonight... ve annihilate London!

Random Nazi: Umm, all of London?

The Major: All of London. Buckingham Palace - laid to vaste. Big Ben - toppled to zhe ground.

Random Nazi: Zhe house of parliament?

The Major: Eradicated.

Random Nazi 2: Zhe Tower of London?

The Major: Obliterated!

The Doktor: Zhe Holocaust Museum?

The Major: Leave zhat be. No one vill deny vhat ve did.

Hans: What about London Bridge?

The Major: Ja, ja. London Bridge is falling down. Ve all know zhe song. Look, you be zhe first to burn it down, you can go ahead and sing it; I don't care. Of course, speaking of music, zhe accompaniment tonight has been selected via survey. Und I hope you're as excited as I am! Zhe song tonight is zhe most appropriate for ironic reasons; Zhe best reasons! But first - a toast. To zhe answer of an age-old question!

[Scene switches to a missile hitting Big Ben and beginning of an assault on London. In the background Edwin Starr's War plays]

The Doktor: Is it everything you hoped for, Major?

The Major: Yes. "Because it means the destruction of innocent lives." [Major uses lyrics from the song playing in the background] "Induction then destruction! Who wants to die!?"

[Music fading. Camera shows the high ground view at the London streets ablaze in shape of a swastika, then switches to the building of Round Table Conference]

Sir Shelby Penwood: What do you mean he's stuck on the boat?

Sir Integra: I mean he's stuck on a bloody boat! I need you idiots to send a helicopter after him and retrieve him.

Sir Penwood: Can't he fly with his vampire powers?

Sir Integra: What? N-no, he can't fly with his vampire powers!

Sir Penwood: Then how did he get there?!

Sir Integra: On a Blackbird we appropriated!

Sir Penwood: You stole the Blackbird?!

Sir Integra: WOULD YOU JUST SEND A HELICOPTER?!

Sir Penwood: We can't; our communications are down.

Sir Integra: What?

Sir Penwood: They... have been for the last two hours.

Sir Integra: So you're telling me that, as of this moment, we have no access to Alucard, communications with our forces in the outside world are down, and the enemy could very well be knocking at our door?

[The doors to the chamber and smashed open and a group of men storm the room]

Reggie: Or, perhaps the enemy was sitting beside you on the round table the whole time!

Sir Integra: Oh, Reggie. This is adorable.

Reggie: SIR... Reginald is my name! I have spent the last five years of my life cleaning up after your pet vampire! And now, is the time Sir Reginald was payed what he deserves!

Sir Integra: [Chuckles] You know, I get it now.

Reggie: Get what?

Sir Integra: [laughs] How Alucard feels! Just a little bit anyway.

Reggie: [Grunts]

Sir Integra: But I must say Sir Reginald it is quite impressive that, despite how hilariously amateur this little coup of yours is, that you're still managing to hold that gun.

[Reggie's arm comes off]

Reggie: RRRRRaaaaaaaaghhh!

Walter: Who wants Daddy's belt?

[Reggie's henchmen start shouting and shooting desperately, then get cut apart and fall down in fountains of blood. One blob lands upon Penwood's cheek]

Sir Penwood: Ung?

Walter: Now think about what you've done.

[Everyone muttering]

Sir Integra: So, Sir Penwood - are you all right?

Sir Penwood: Well, Reginald was actually... my brother-in-law. So... currently... processing that.

[Some silence, the machinery starts bleeping, sweeping and creeping]

Radio-telegraphist: Communications are back up-- everything is on fire!

Another Radio-telegraphist: London Bridge is falling down!

Sir Penwood: Falling down?

Another Radio-telegraphist: Falling down!

Sir Penwood: London Bridge is falling down! My fair lady, what should we do?

Sir Integra: We have to evacuate immediately! Sir Penwood, You could ride with me. The rest of you - carpool.

Sir Penwood: No. I'm not going anywhere. I know I'm not much of a man. I've had a silver spoon in my mouth since the day I was born. This position - it's not suited for a meek gentleman like myself. But I'll be damned, I say, if I tucked my tail in-between my legs at the first sight of peril! I thank you for your service, miss Integra, but I--

Sir Integra: [Hands Penwood a gun] Here's a gun. There are twelve holy bullets. Save one for yourself.

[Integra and Walter walk off]

Sir Integra: Walter.

Walter: Yes, Sir Integra?

Sir Integra: Ready the car. We've got a war to win.

[Bird's eye view of burning London, shots fired, bombs exploding]

Ze Major: Ah yes! Buckingham Palace is burning... und so are my loins!

Zorin: Ahem!

Ze Major: Ah First Lieutenant former Olympic bodybuilder Zorin Blitz. Sorry, I vas understandably caught up in ze moment.

Zorin: You finally have orders for me Major?

Ze Major: Ah indeed, my dear Zorin. You have a very specific target.

Zorin: Where shall my scythe be pointed?

Ze Major: Ze Hellsing Organisation Headquarters.

Zorin: Yes!

Ze Major: Und you...

Zorin: Yes!

Ze Major: ...shall provide reconnaissance

[Zorin drops a cigarette whilst her lips open in an expression of incredulity and dismay]

Zorin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Ze Major: Okay, Zorin, Zorin, I need you to bring it back for me, take a deep breath.

Zorin: [Hyperventilates]

Ze Major: Contain... Ze calamity... That is your mammaries.

Zorin: [Grunts furiously]

Ze Major: There is no-vone more eager to see them bleed than I, but ve must be careful. Sir Integra Fairbrook Vingates Hellsing - any voman who commands the respect of a beast such as Alucard is not to be trifled vis. Fantasized of on a lonely Saturday night vis a bottle of Chardonnay - most certainly. But not trifled with.

Zorin: But she is just vone voman!

Ze Major: Und a girl. A police girl. Ze only living vampire sired by Alucard himself. Vhy? Is it her skill? Her unpredictable nature, ze big titties? Maybe, who knows. But I do not gamble vis maybes. You vill act as ze vanguard and survey their forces, are ve clear?

Zorin: [unenthusiastically] Transparently.

Ze Major: Wunderbar! Now, speaking of vich- [over the radio] Sergeant Klaus - have you spotted Frau Hellsing?

Klaus: Ja Major. Driving past Primrose Hill.

Ze Major: Is it on fire?

Klaus: It could be more on fire.

[Walter and Sir Integra drive down a street. Integra surveys the butchered corpses outside]

Sir Integra: Ugh... UGH!

Sir Penwood (over radio): Attention... anyone listening... I'm not sure if I'm using this correctly. [Walter adjusts the radio's tuning until Sir Penwood comes across clearer] It's been ten years since I've had to operate an analog radio. I am Sir Penwood, Vice-Admiral of the British Security Council.

[Sir Penwood sits in the blood-soaked remains of the Security Council room, speaking into the radio's microphone]

Sir Penwood: I know things seem bleak to those who are still alive, but stay on. We are still fighting; each and everyone one of us. We shall defend Queen and Country against this decades-old barbarism!

[Council Room door gets blasted open, and Millennium soldiers storm in]

Lt. Schäfer: [laughs] How valiant of you Sir Penwood, defending your post down to ze last man.

Sir Penwood: Ah, but that's where I must rebuke you, because where you see one man, I see four...

Lt. Schäfer: "See four?" Ack! [looks around and sees dozens of C4 explosives planted around the room] Ahhhhhhh...

Sir Penwood: When you get to hell, tell em' Penwood sent you, and then apologize on behalf for the inconvenience. [Blows up the C4]

[Radio gets cut off, Sir Integra sits silently in the back]

Sir Integra: Walter?

Walter: Yes Ma'am?

Sir Integra: Sir Penwood was a... [gets cut off by a collision with a ghoul] SON OF A BITCH!

Walter: Sir Integra, we have a problem.

Sir Integra: Oh my God, the road is on fire.

Walter: Unfortunately, that's not the worst of it.

[The Captain appears]

Walter: If you will excuse me, I have to meet with an old friend. You need to take the car and make your way to the HQ on your own. I believe in you Ma'am.

Sir Integra: Walter, there's something I want you to know.

Walter: This is no time for goodbyes Sir Integra.

Sir Integra: No... I... I don't know how to drive. You have driven me literally everywhere since I was ten.

Walter: Oh? Well, perfect time to learn.

Sir Integra: You come back to me... no matter what. Understood?

Walter: Understood Ma'am [stretches glove]

Sir Integra: Now which one's the clu... [the car tears away, barely under control] OK, WE'RE DRIVING!

[Both Walter and The Captain exchange grunts. Walter attacks The Captain with his strings, they are, however, caught by The Captain]

Walter: Oh brilliant! You haven't aged a day!

[The Deus Ex Machina flies overhead, broadcasting The Major over the loudspeakers]

Ze Major: Ah yes, ve have aged like fine vine. You, on ze other hand, have aged like milk; spoilt, sour, und ruining my meal. But don't get me wrong, it's still splendid to see you! Let's have a heart to heart!

Sir Integra: [Driving recklessly] Ah shit! Fuck! Ah SHIT!

Nazi: [Pursuing Sir Integra] There she is! Johan, tell her to pull over!

[Music plays in Sir Integra's car]

Johan: Guten Abend, could you please pull over? [Gets hit by the car]

Nazi: Vell, she declined. Panzerfaust! [Fires panzerfaust]

Sir Integra: [Continues driving while avoiding fire] YOU'VE! GOT! TO! BE! SHIT! -TING! ME!

[Car crashes into a wall]

Hans: [jumps onto the car] Whooo! [gets head sliced off by Integra]

Nazi: Hans?! Nein! And he was having such a good day! He even got to burn down London Bridge! Sing the song. Everything!

Sir Integra: Congratulations. [Pulls out a cigarette and stomps on head] It took an entire squadron of inhuman, nigh-immortal, fake vampires to hunt down and corner a 22-year old woman.

Nazi: Zat's a woman?

Other Nazi: She's 22?

Sir Integra: [blows smoke] I hope it's everything you dreamed of. So how about it then? [Pulls out sword] Come and get the first real fight you've had in 50 years, you dickless cowards!

Nazi: I'LL STAB YOU IN ZE FUCKING FA- [stabbed by a dozen bayonets and then explodes]

[Bible pages fall to the ground and Anderson appears]

Nazi: God's Assassin...

Another Nazi: Saint Guillotine....

Third Nazi: Ze Angel's Dust...

Fourth Nazi: Judas Priest...

Fifth Nazi: Wait, like ze band?

Sixth Nazi: Zey ver named after him!

Anderson: By Jove, you fucking hedder of a woman! Surrounded by fifty vampire Nazis armed literally to the teeth, and what do you do!? You get out of your fucking car, pull out your sword, cut off one of their heads and yell, "come at me, you kraut shits!" No wonder Alucard wants to plow that virgin soil. I'm thinking about growing some flowers myself! Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Sir Integra: Alexander Anderson. To what do I owe the unexpected pleasure?

Anderson: Ah, you know, just out and about with me posse.

Sir Integra: Posse?

[Integra looks up, seeing countless Iscariot agents on the roof above]

Anderson: And look! Y'know how your pet vampire has got his own pet vampire? Well, that got me thinking, so I acquired some learned youngsters m'self! Two of 'em! Which is twice as good! And here's the real kicker, one's Japanese, and the other one's fuckin' German! Ain't that topical?! I just need an Italian one and I've got me an axis of righteousness. Yumie! Say something in moonspeak!

Yumie: Hai.

Anderson: Ha, ha! And the German's one, Heinkel. She shoots things; it's great.

Heinkel: Pop-Pop, watchin' heathens drop.

Nazi: Ze Iscariots? Ve're not scared of you! Look at you, you don't even know how to use a bayonet! It goes on ze gun, idiot!

Anderson: Now, if you'll excuse us, you English cow, it's time for the Iscariots to do your job for ya, and put these soulless bodies where they belong... In the ground, in case you didn't take--

[A Nazi rushes towards Anderson, but is swiftly cut down and killed]

Anderson: ...In case you didn't take me meaning.

Nazi: Kill zem!

[The Nazi group begins their attack, rushing at the Iscariots as Dropkick Murphey's I'm Shipping Up To Boston begins to play]

Anderson: Who are we!?

Iscariots: The necessary evil!

Anderson: Why are we necessary?!

Iscariots: To purge the world of evil worse than man!

Anderson: And why are we God's chosen few, ordained to undertake this unholy task!?

Iscariots: Because no one else will!

Anderson: [Crosses blades] AND BECAUSE IT'S FUCKIN' FUN! [Laughs maniacally] AMEN!

[The Iscariots and Anderson begin battle with the Nazis, before a large pool of blood splatters onto the wall, which then displays the logo for Hellsing Ultimate Abridged]

[Cut back to the burned out ruins of the HMS Eagle, after Alucard crashed onto the boat and killed Rip Van Winkle. He walks to the edge of the boat, and sniffs the air]

Alucard: ...Something's burning.

Nazi: Please, no! I'll worship your Go-

Alexander Anderson: [kills him with his bayonet] Ha...!

Heinkel Wolfe: I zhink zat was ze last one. Good zhing, too. I fear you're running out of bayonets.

Anderson: Care to correct yourself?

Heinkel: [empties guns] S-sorry, sir! You have bayonets for days!

Anderson: Bayonets for days.

Father D'Giorno: Father Anderson, I believe I speak for all of us when I ask: Why did we go out of our way to save this... [camera points at Integra] Erh...

Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: Woman.

D'Giorno: I didn't want to assume.

Integra: I was actually wondering that myself. Alucard would have left Maxwell to die. Probably after putting a bullet in his leg.

Anderson: I am a man of three things: God, virtue, and disobeying that tramp Maxwell when it suits me! And if I'd let the woman die, I'd have been none of the three!

Integra: Wait, so... you just defy your master's orders on a whim?

Anderson: [cheerfully] Aye!

Integra: ...Good God, it's strange to see this from the outside.

[series logo appears, behind it flies a zeppelin and a scene goes to the bridge/command center inside]

Captain: Lieutenant Zorin Blitz, ve are just outside ze Hellsing perimeter. Ve shall maintain zhis position as ve observe- [interrupted by Zorin]

Lieutenant Zorin Blitz: No! All hands to battle stations.

Captain: But... Ma'am... Our orders-

Zorin: I have been vaiting for zhis var for over fifty years. I have been given veapons, men, AND a target. I vill not be cockblocked to the point of entry by that little blond toad! I... no, VE vill get vhat ve have coming to us. Now Captain, launch ze V-1s!

Captain: [with a dramatic delay] Yes ma'am! [launches the V-1s]

[V-1s get shot and explode]

Zorin: [shocked, cigarette falls out of her mouth] Status report! ANYONE!

Helmsman: Vell, uh, ze V-1s launched. And zhen zey blew up! But not vhere zhey were supposed to! Like, vay too soon!

Zorin: I CAN SEE ZAT! VHY!?

Captain: Reports say it's sniper fire!

Zorin: Kilometers avay? YOU ARE USELESS! GET ME A FUCKING VISUAL!

[Searchlights shown over the Hellsing HQ and the zeppelin crew react shocked at the sight of Seras and her Harkonnen II]

Zorin: [lets out a frustration grunt]

[The camera changes to the Hellsing control room, where Pip Bernadotte is sitting and smoking a cigarette]

Pip Bernadotte: Twenty four out of twenty four, ma chère. You must be a bane to clay pigeons everywhere.

Police Girl: Actually, if you wouldn't mind Mr. Bernadotte, my name is Seras Victoria.

Pip: How peculiar! I was under ze impression by ze rest of ze staff zat your name was "Police Girl."

Police Girl: [brief pause] You know what? [sighs] Fine, "Ma chère" it is. Just pay attention for any possible incoming-

Pip: So, ma chère, tell me a little bit about yourself.

Police Girl: Y-You're serious...

Pip: Come now, we know so little about one another. And let's be honest, zis may be ze last chance we get to share. So ma chère, what is it like growing up in England?

[Seras gets flashbacks of the brutal murder of her parents]

Police Girl: [bluntly] I grew up in Leeds... Nothing happened.

Pip: Sounds boring.

Police Girl: YES... it was. [sighs] How about you?

Pip: Oh, ummm, in ze french countryside, with my-

[Flashback to a cottage in the woods.]

Young Pip: Grand-père... Is it true? [sobs] Is it true what the children in school say? Zat you are mercenary? Zat you kill people?

Pip's Grand-père: Oh, little Pip. It is much more zhan "killing people". It has many complicated facets. I once helped topple a fascist Souz African government in a week. I mean, it was replaced by anozer in two, but I still got paid.

Young Pip: But Grand-père! My fellow school children only taunt and bully me for it!

Grand-père: Wait, quoi? How are you not ze coolest kid in school? Who is it who dares to mock you? Is it zat son of ze butcher, Jean Paul? Perhaps zat little piggy shall find a grenade in his lunch box, so when he opens it, it pulls ze pin.

Young Pip: Please do not kill my friends...

Grand-père: Oh, mon cher petit-fils~ I'm not going to do it.

Young Pip: ...Quoi?

[Back to the present day,]

Police Girl: Oh my god!

Pip: Oh, relax! It was a flash bang! A little bit of tinnitus never hurt anyone. Now, how about zese Nazi fucks?

Police Girl: Well, I've got a couple of grenades for them. They ain't flashbangs, though.

Pip: Ah, but zey'll flash and zey'll bang, just how I like it. Now, give zem a proper Hellsing welcome.

Police Girl: So, a mountain of over-the-top violence, swearing and unnecessary screaming?

Pip: Exactement.

Police Girl: OUI FUCKING MONSIEUR!!!

[Yuri Temirkanov's "Dies Irae" starts playing]

Pip: OPEN FIRE!

[With a savage scream, Seras peppers the zeppelin with AA rounds, killing several workers on board]

Helmsman: Ve are being shredded lieutenant!

Zorin: Tell me somezhing new!

[Seras destroys two of the zeppelin's engines]

Helmsman: Vell, ve just lost two engines!

Zorin: CUNT!!!

Captain: Ma'am, ve can't keep taking this kind of damage! We're going to crash!

Zorin: Zen give me ramming speed captain, right into zat bitch!

Captain: Vich bitch lieutenant?

Zorin: Zat bitch with the CANNONS!

[The zeppelin heads straight at Seras]

Pip: Alright ma chère, how bout you flash zem ze goods?

[Seras lifts up her guns to show two grenades attached before firing them hitting the zeppelin, which then proceeds to fall out the air and crash]

Zorin: [Screaming in anger as the zeppelin crashes] CUNT!!!

Pip: And zat, is how ze cookie fumbles.

Police Girl: It's "crumbles".

Pip: Oh~, like England.

Police Girl: Can you... not right now?

Pip: I am French, so... no.

Mercer: Holy shit, guys! I think we killed them all!

Hebert: [looking through binoculars] Hey Mercer, try not to choke on your fucking foot!

[The Nazi Vampires are seen climbing out of the rubble led by Zorin]

Pip: Quick reminder to everyone on the ground floor... zese are vampires. Much like ma chère, zey won't go down zat easy. And a night on ze town and a little bit of wine won't woo zem over. You will have to show zem zat you care. Make zem feel like zey're ze only thing zat exists to you in zhis world. And zen, when zey finally open zeir legs... give zem everyzing, and leave nothing.

Zorin: Vat's our head count?!

Nazi Sergeant: Eins, zwei, drei... a-a lot, a lot, zere's a lot.

Zorin: Good. Zen your orders... are to SLAUGHTER THEM ALL!!!

[The Nazi Vampires charge towards the Hellsing HQ.]

Police Girl: Should I hold my position Mr. Bernadotte?

Pip: No ma chère, you've already been on top, now give us a turn.

[The Nazi Vampires continue running towards Hellsing HQ when one of them steps on a landmine.]

Nazi Vampire 1: Oh, landmines... [beeping] Oh! LANDMI-[landmine explodes]

[Several other Nazi Vampires are blown up by landmines whilst screaming "Landmines!"]

Nazi Vampire 2: Holy Shit! They planted landmines!

Pip: Oh, zey found the landmines.

Police Girl: [shocked] Oh my God, they planted landmines?! We walk our dogs out there!

Nazi Vampire 2: Okay, ve have to stay calm! Nobody move a inch! Ve vait for Zorin, we'll pull back....

[One of the Wild Geese presses of detonator, causing several planted explosives to detonate in slow motion with grapeshot.]

Nazi Vampire 2: [slowed down] And ve'll- OH SHI-!

[Several more vampires get splattered by the grapeshot debris.]

Pip: Alright men, you know ze drill: If it moves, it dies. If it dies, you move on. Keep zose grenades coming, keep ze bullets raining, and most importantly... have fun. I'm going to have a smoke. [Pulls out a lighter.]

Willingham: No offence sir, but you're being awfully casual about this. I mean, as casual as usual, but aren't we dealing with Bram Stoker meets Castle Wolfenstein shit here?

Pip: Honestly Willingham, we were prepared for a full-on tactical assault. Instead we got a volley of swastika-covered dipshits running dick-first into enemy territory.

Willingham: Still kinda crazy thought, isn't it?

Pip: Oh oui. If you told me two years ago when we were either starting or ending a war in ze Middle East, zat we'd end up fighting Nazi Vampires, I'd have kissed you full on ze mouth! But now, all I feel is robbed. [Closes lighter.]

Willingham: Well, if it make you feel any better, there's a giant woman outside.

Pip: ...Quoi?

[Mega Zorin is seen materialising into a giant and laughing maniacally, while everyone inside the Hellsing mansion is frozen with fear, Pip runs out of the control room to the hall.]

Pip: SAINTE PUTAINE DE MERDE!!

Mercer: What?!

Police Girl: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!

Pip: What she said!

Mega Zorin: Peekaboo~! I'LL KILL YOU~!!!

[Zorin slices through the mansion with her scythe while everyone inside screams and runs in fear.]

Pip: I want to go back to ze Middle East...

[Zorin slices once again through the mansion.]

Erholtz: SHE'S GONNA KILL US ALL!!

Mercer: FUCKING... DEMON... BITCH!!

Hebert: Oh.. Tscch... I lost an arm...

[Police Girl falls to her knees in utter despair.]

Police Girl: [thinking] We're gonna die... To a giant German Nazi vampire woman with a scythe... That screaming homeless man on the train was right!

[Cue in: The Crimson Fucker.]

Alucard: Hahahahaha! You're kidding me, right?! This basic bitch has you believing she's a giant.

Police Girl: Master? Where-

Alucard: On a boat in the middle of, uh... The fucking, I don't know, Atlantic? Eh, fuck it, the ocean. Anyways, you need to whip out that third eye of yours and-

Police Girl: But... Master, I-I only have two eyes.

Alucard: No, you have three eyes. You're a vampire.

Police Girl: Do you have three eyes?

Alucard: Sweetheart, I've got so many eyes. Eyes for days.

Police Girl: Eyes for days?

Alucard: Eyes for days. Now, look past your own self...

Police Girl: Eh.. How, eh...

Alucard: OH MY GOD, GO CROSSEYED, JESUS!!

[Police Girl follows orders and escapes Zorin's illusion.]

Erholtz: PLEASE DON'T STICK ME IN YOUR GIANT VAGINA!!

Mercer: DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK?!

Hebert: Welp, high-fives are gonna suck now... [grunts]

Police Girl: [looking at everyone still hypnotised] Hold on... Did she- Aw, come on!

Pip: Open ze doors of hell for me, Grand-père. I'm coming home.

Police Girl: [whilst taking her rifle off the floor] Oh for Christ's sake.

[Police Girl points the rifle out a window and uses her vampire vision to shoot the real Zorin, grazing her cheek.]

Zorin: Augh! My face, you CUNT!!

Police Girl: You cunt touch this!

Mega Zorin: [lets out an angry growl as she disappears]

[The Wild Geese slowly come out of the illusion and get a hold on themselves... Kinda.]

Hebert: Holy shit, my arm's back!

Erholtz: Oh, thank God! I thought she was going to crush me... With her giant vagina!

Mercer: Okay, what does your Internet history look like?!

Police Girl: [shaking Pip] Mister Bernadotte! It was just an illusion, like push-up bras or stilettos!

Pip: Wait! You wear a push-up bra?

Police Girl: I don't wear a bra.

[momentary silence]

Wild Geese Member: ...Ooohhh my God.

[A Nazi Vampire bursts in through the window.]

Erholtz: They figured out the landmines!

Pip: I fucking noticed! [One of the vampires bites another Wild Goose on the neck.]

Police Girl: [As she sticks the barrel of her riffle into the vampire's mouth] Eat schnitzel in hell! [pulls the trigger, blowing his head off.]

Pip: "Eat schnitzel in hell"?

Police Girl: Oh, my apologies! What would you have said?

Pip: Don't be so sauer, kraut! [Everyone begins laughing.]

Erholtz: Ninety-nine dead balloons.

Andrande: Hasta l'auf wiedersehen!

Police Girl: [giggling and struggling to think of a joke] You've... been... autobahned! [The laughter stops.] Like the- like the autoba-

Pip: Ve should get a move on!

Police Girl: Oh, choke on a baguette of dicks!

Pip: Now listen ma chère, we are in ze zhick of it! Zey are getting close, and we cannot pull out now. We shall continue to hold zem off as long as we can, but we need you to flank zem and-

Police Girl: This is a reach-around joke, innit?

Pip: Bon Dieu! I'm becoming predictable. Whatever, listen! If the British are good at anything, it's hunting, and you are hunting ze deadliest game of all.

Police Girl: Nazi vampires.

Pip: Dammit, that used to sound so cool! But zen you say it so much and "Nazi vampires" just sounds stupid!

Police Girl: Oh, right? Maybe we'll find something else, like maybe a Nazi werewolf.

Pip: Merde, zat sounds so much worse! [Missiles explode against the side of the mansion.] Oh right, World War Trois. Ma chère! Like a high-class escort, make zhem pay for every inch.

Police Girl: I can't believe I find you attractive. [She turns and runs down the hall.]

Pip: Pardon quoi? [realisation] Wait, what?!

Willingham: Uh, so sir, what's the over/under on us finishing this mission alive?

Pip: About as good as any of us actually getting laid tonight.

Willingham: I dunno, those vampires do look kinda rapey.

Hebert: Holy shit, dude!

Willingham: Oh, who the fuck am I offending? The NAZIS?!

[Cut to Father Maxwell lying on a deck chair with a newspaper over his face.]

Riegel: Uh, Bishop Maxwell?

Maxwell: Ah, shit. I fell asleep waiting. You'd think watching London turn into a literal hell-scape would keep you riveted, but once the screams died down... [He looks across the English Channel, where the glow from London's fires can be seen on the horizon.] So, what did I miss?

Riegel: Well, according to the reports, America is imploding.

Maxwell: So, Millennium has infiltrated them as well.

Riegel: No... actually.

Maxwell: Okay... Well, have the Papal Knights arrived yet?

Riegel: Actually, we were unable to conscribe them into our efforts.

Maxwell: What?!

Riegel: Ah- but do not worry, Bishop Maxwell! We were able to get some... Eager volunteers.

Maxwell: Volunteers?

[The camera pans into different shots of the volunteers in their Klassic Krusader Knights outfit.]

Andrea: From Italia, I am brother Andrea Marco Francesco Luco Mateo Alhandro Lozendro Fredrico-

Maxwell: Yes, yes. And your order?

Andrea: I bring with me the Pure Noble Ordine della Rossa del Corna di Resa San Bartironmeto, alla Serieta del Segni Torre Derise del Sito [this name is yet to be confirmed]...

[Maxwell grunts in frustration]

Andrea: Divisione Ricettazione. We bring 510 paladins of the order.

Maxwell: [Sigh] Grazie. And you?

Diego: From Mexico, Don Diego de la Vega! I bring: The Mexican Inquisition.

Maxwell: I did not expect you.

Diego: No one ever does! We bring 888 conquistador inquisitors!

Bartłomiej: Shalom! Bartłomiej Jeleniak from Poland! I bring the sacred order of the Temple Beth Zion!

Maxwell: Oh, I've... not heard of your order. You're... sure you're Catholic?

Bartłomiej: Eh... Of course!

Maxwell: You worship the Lord Jesus Christ?

Bartłomiej: Hey, if we're killing Nazis, I'll worship a side of bacon. We bring 447 mënschen.

Puiser: Hey bud, Abbot Puiser from Canada, bud. I bring the crusaders of the Salvation Army. Fuck bro, let's kill us some gays!

Maxwell: Nazis.

Puiser: Yeah, sorry, whatever. We bring 509 holy hosers, eh?

Maxwell: Glad to have you, now let's-

Jed: Now I gotta say, I'm a little uncomfortable killin' Nazis. Some of my best friends are Neo Nazis! Then again, these are those classic-type Nazis, so...

Maxwell: Mi scusi. And you are...?

Jed: Jed Forrest, from the South Carolina Baptist Confederate Congregation! I got me here some 300 n' change good ol' boys from the Knights of the Hangin' Noose.

Maxwell: Wow, alright, okay! Thank you for... swinging by... Oh God!

Jed: No worries. Now I noticed y'all brought some crosses to burn. If ya run out, don't worry, 'cause Jim brought more in his truck!

Maxwell: That's uh... really not necessary-

Jed: Jim, how many more crosses we got in that truck!?

Jim: 'Bout a few!

Jed: 'Bout a few.

Maxwell: This is going to be a long crusade. Listen up! Those who have come to serve the unyielding Word of our Almighty God. We've come together this night, under the glow of the London inferno in the eyes of our Lord for one divine reason... [drapes an extravagant stole around his shoulders] FUCK THE NEW POPE!!

[Everyone begins cheering. Scenes of Pope Francis in real life are seen as Maxwell talks.]

Maxwell: That Argentinian windbag has ruined us! Prattling on and on about the poor! We are the house of God, not a fucking soup kitchen!

Andrea: Thank you! Even we're sick of feeding people, and we're Italian!

Maxwell: And what does he do with the golden throne? Replaces it with a wooden chair! Probably carved by more poor people!

Diego: Jesus was a king first, carpenter second!

Maxwell: And do not start me on the homosexuals! Oh, if you love them so much, why don't you fucking marry them?! You seem so okay with the concept!

Puiser: Yeah, fuck bro! It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and another dude and they're havin' sex!

Maxwell: And he has the gall to renounce the Old Testament as mere stories! "We should be more like Jesus and congregate with whores, and homosexuals, and poor people!"

Bartłomiej: Yeah! Perhaps we can all just agree that, maybe, Jesus WASN'T the son of God!

Maxwell: We are the congregation of a wrathful God. We shall begin a new Papal succession, and I shall lead us in a Ninth Crusade, for I am your leader... THE NEW POPE! And after we are finished purging England of its demons and heathens, WE... WILL...

Jed: ROUND UP ALL THOSE DIRTY NI-

Maxwell: Okay, you need to chill!

[open on Nazi vampires snacking on corpses]

Nazi Grunt: Gruber?

Gruber: Hmm?

Nazi Grunt: ..Are we bad people?

Gruber: [swallows] It's a matter of perspective, really.

Nazi Grunt: From these men's perspective?

Gruber: Oh, absolutely! But, to be fair.. I think we kind of tipped that Jenga tower by being Nazis in the first place.

Nazi Grunt: Ya, ya.. I guess the whole 'eating them' is just.. salt on the wound.

Gruber: Agh, don't say 'salt' to me! These mercs are so bland! They could use-- [Seras opens gunfire on them]

Seras: How's THAT for some SALT?! [silence] ..UGH! God D**N it! What's the point of comin' up with all these one-liners if'n they're all dead when I say 'em?!

Nazi Grunt: [outside] To be fair, it wasn't really that funny to begin with!

Seras: [shoots through the offending grunt] It's a matter of perspective, really.

[OPENING TITLECARD]

Bernadotte: B Wing! What's your location?

Miller: HR department!

Bernadotte: And your status?

Miller: You ever been fisted up to the elbow before?

Bernadotte: ..Jaffe, I could use your expertise!

Jaffe: Hey, FUCK YOU, man!

Bernadotte: Read the room! [to Miller] So.. I'm guessing you're in some shit!

Miller: I just saw a man's FACE get eaten! One bite, like that asshole owl with the fuckin' Tootsie Pop, man!

Dying Grunt: How many licks did it take? [laughs and coughs]

Bernadotte: Just hold out! The police girl is on her way!

Miller: Sir.. I'm not gonna lie to you; we're pinned here, all my men are dead or dying, and I'm runnin' out of bullets.

Bernadotte: Miller.. it was an honor serving with you.

Miller: ..What the FUCK?!

Bernadotte: What?

Miller: What's THAT cheap shit?! You're not gonna to tell me to fall back or fight through?!

Bernadotte: Well.. I-I mean, can you?

Miller: Of fucking COURSE not!

Bernadotte: Well, then, why the FUCK would I say it?!

Miller: It's a cliché, dammit! And a good god d**n one, at that!

Bernadotte: Fine, fine, whatever! Okay, sure! ..Don't you FUCKING give me that, Miller! Fall back and make it--

Miller: No, no.. it's-it's ruined. It's disingenuous.

Bernadotte: It was ALWAYS going to be disingenuous!

Miller: Well, SO IS WHAT'S COMIN' NEXT!

Bernadotte: Wait, no, Miller, choose life..

Miller: COME AND GET ME, YOU BLOOD-CHUGGIN' COCKHOLES! [Zorin's magic creates an illusion] ..What the fuck?

Little Girl: Daddy! It's me, daddy! Welcome home!

Miller: You're not my daughter..

Little Girl: Of course I am, daddy! I--

Miller: No, seriously; I got a vasectomy right out of high school.

Little Girl: ..I meant.. I'm your niece!

Miller: Nope.. I'm an only child.

[little girl transforms into Sonic the Hedgehog]

Sonic: ..I've been waiting for you, Miller! [hugs the Sonic and is split in two for his trouble]

Zorin: Real quick.. does anyone want to explain what we just witnessed?

Nazi Grunt: Uh, I think that was Sonic the Hedgehog from the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise by Sega.

Zorin: Okay, but.. why did it have a foot-long erection?

Nazi Grunt: The fanbase is.. diverse.

Zorin: You mean, fucking weird!

Nazi Grunt: It's a matter of perspective, really.

[cut to the mercenaries]

Jaffe: No one else is gonna say it?! Fine! I fuckin' will! I wish Alucard was here! Yeah!

Grunt: Really, Jaffe?

Jaffe: Yes, REALLY! Because when he was around, shit wasn't so scary! If anything, it was fuckin' hilarious! But ever since he left, everything's so god d**n serious! Like there's something MISSING!

Grunt: Hey, we're doin' pretty okay without him! It's.. our time to shine, you know?

Jaffe: DUDE! Let's face it, we fucking SUCK and no one likes us!

Bernadotte: So, okay! Let's grab some kneepads, a stiff drink, and gobble his COCK! You want to sit back and whimper like the little pre-school bitch you are? Go ahead! But Alucard isn't here; he's on a FUCKING boat, and there's not a GOD D**N thing we can do about it! So do some FUCKING soul-searching, or locate the shattered remains of your testicles, and hope - like always - that the girl comes first, before that barricade gives way, and YOU'RE made into the world's whiniest Lunchable!

Jaffe: Oh! Oh, right! The police girl! Where the metaphorical fuck is SHE?!

[cut to Seras]

Seras: Welp! Looks like Human Resources has been.. PROCESSED.. I'd feel worse about that if they ever did ANYTHING about all the sexual harassment! Yet you'd think Alucard was the worst offender..

[flashback]

Sir Integra: Hello.. Police Girl...

Seras: ..Sir?

[present]

Willingham: Not like you to have a girl clean up your mess, sir.

Bernadotte: Heh! You're not wrong, Willingham! But even with all these men, this isn't the kind of load we can handle on our own. Hopefully, those ASSHOLES are out of rockets...

[outside]

Panzer Grunt: Ma'am, we have an ABUNDANCE of rockets! Shall we bombard them?

Zorin: Oh, nein! I want to see how this.. "Panzers" out?

Panzer Grunt: Oh? OH!

Zorin: Oh?

Panzer Grunt: OH! [laughs and sighs] And they say we Germans can't be funny! [fires into the conference room]

Grunt: [in background] C'mon, move it! Move it!

Bernadotte: [grunts] The least those FUCKERS could do is give us some warning before they pull it out and blow it all over our backsides! [grunts in pain] And now this wood is going to give me a limp! Like usual.. Willingham! Can you take care of this for me? [gasps]

Willingham: [severely injured] C-can you.. bring it over here?

Bernadotte: Willingham! Oh.. SHIT! Uh..

Willingham: How's it look?

Bernadotte: ..Probably how it feels.

Willingham: I'm imagining crushed raspberries..

Bernadotte: Yeah.. that about right.

Willingham: Captain.. listen: there's one thing I need to say before I die..

Bernadotte: What is it, Willingham? My friend! My brother!

Willingham: You fuckin' SUCK at pickin' our contracts! [dies]

Bernadotte: Au revoir.. mon cul préféré! [Goodbye.. my favorite asshole!]

Tony: Hey, God? It's me! Tony! If only one of us makes it out of here alive.. PLEASE let it be ME!

Andy: Hey, God? It's Tony's friend, Andy. Fuck Tony!

[outside]

Panzer Grunt: I think I'm going to fire this one at.. Tony!

Zorin: YES! FUCK. THEM. ALL!

Panzer Grunt: [tries to fire, but the gun jams] You're kidding me! It's jammed! Oh.. this is embarrassing--

[Seras appears and begins taking out the Nazis]

Bernadotte: Throw your hands up, gentlemen! The cavalry has arrived!

Grunts: Yay..!

Dying Nazi: Oh, GOD, they shot me in the ASS!

Zorin: Well, well, well! If it isn't the loyal police girl!

Seras: All right, you know GOD D**N well what my name is!

Zorin: You're right, I do.. but there's so much more I want to LEARN! [digs into Seras' memories]

Police Chief: I see.. so you're looking to become a police officer? Not surprising, given what happened to your family..

Zorin: Ah, I see! Did something happen to Mommy and Daddy? [laughs] Let's take a look!

Headmaster: The sister here says you stabbed the boy in the eye with a PENCIL!

Young Seras: [thinking] I'll stab your mother in the CUNT!

Headmaster: Young lady, how do you expect to be adopted if you continue this behavior?

Young Seras: [thinking] I don't want to be adopted, I WANT YOUR MOTHER'S CUNT!

Zorin: An orphanage..? OH, this is getting even better! Let's just dig into those repressed memories, and perhaps we'll--

[comes across a memory of Seras licking blood from Integra's finger]

Zorin: Umm.. this.. needs context. Let's keep moving!

Seras' Mother: Seras, hide in here! And absolutely do NOT come out!

[gunshots and screaming sound from outside]

Sigmund: Now look what you gone and done! You skipped the process!

Freud: What process?

Sigmund: The standard process o' breakin' and enterin'! You're supposed to shoot the husband, rape the wife, then shoot the wife! You gone and shot the husband, then shot the wife!

Freud: Don't mean nothin'!

Sigmund: 'Course it does! Now we can't rape her!

Freud: I beg to differ! Body's still warm!

Sigmund: Come on now, mate; gotta have standards! I know we're shootin' an' rapin', but necrophilia's a step too far!

Freud: If you're such a bugger about procedure, why didn't you perform a 5-point room scan? [is stabbed by little Seras] BUGGER ALL!

Sigmund: Right! [shoots little Seras] My fault; I'll take responsibility for that one! That is what happens when you do not perform a 5-point room scan!

Freud: Yeah, alright.. so you get to the 5-point room scan, and I'll get to the rapin'!

Sigmund: Steady on!

[present]

Zorin: Aww, the poor little police girl has such a BURDEN on her shoulder! Let me help you take some of the weight off! [cuts off her arm and Seras screams] You're not even a decent guard dog! [stabs Seras and she screams again] You're just the pet of a pet! A stupid, big-tittied POLICE GIRL! [cuts her eyes and Seras screams in agony] Then again.. it's a matter of perspective, really! [laughs]

Bernadotte: VA TE FAIRE FOUTRE!!!!! [attacks Zorin] It's French for 'FUCK OFF!' [shoots her away from Seras]

Grunt 1: Captain, let's move!

Grunt 2: Grab the girl and go!

Bernadotte: Sure! Leave the 130 pound body to the guy with the GUT WOUND! [in French] I am girt by idiots..

Seras: [shakily] A-after the arm, I-I think it's about.. 105..

Bernadotte: And the blood loss! Ugh, something I could use a lot less of right now! [internally] All right, Pip! Keep it together.. one foot in front of the other! You've got the girl.. you've got your men.. you've got a way out of this living hell-- [gets stabbed from behind and falls]

Zorin: Wait your turn; I wasn't done PLAYING with that yet!

Jaffe: Holy shit! CAPTAIN, THAT GERMAN BITCH IS STILL ALIVE!

Grunt 2: Jaffe, why the FUCK do I have to die with you?

Seras: [shakily] Cap'n Bernadotte.. w-what was that.. stabbing noise? A-an' that blood-drippin' noise? An' that body-hittin'-the wall noise? I'm blind, so I could really use a play-by-play..

Bernadotte: I'm sorry, mon cher! It's not like me to leave a girl unsatisfied.. but it seems I just didn't have it in me this time..

Seras: [shakily] Don't worry! I-it happens to guys all the time! Heh..

Bernadotte: But I can at least tell you, mon cher.. it was.. good for me.

Sera: ..Mr. Bernadotte..? Pip? PIP?! [they kiss]

Jaffe: Aww!

Grunt 2: That's sweet..

Bernadotte: Next time, maybe I'll get past first base! [laughs and coughs up blood] Ah, fat chance.. You're far too fine a wine.. for a lout like me.. [passes away]

Seras: ..Pip? Pip? Please get up.. No! C-come on! No, come on! I-I-I can't do this alone! Master? Master, I need you here! I'm too weak for this! I'm too stupid for this! I-I can't handle this! I-I'm not a real vampire! I'm barely even a HUMAN! Master! WHAT DO I DO?! WHAT DO I DO?! [finds herself in a different room] Uh..

Alucard: You rang?

Seras: Master? Everything's fallin' apart!

Alucard: Shit, you're right! You should REALLY get on that!

Seras: Pip.. Pip's dead.. because of me! Everyone's dead.. because I wasn't strong enough!

Alucard: OH, so this is MY fault, then?

Seras: What? N.. n-no!

Alucard: Everything is my fault, apparently! Ate the last Spotted Dick pudding in the fridge? My fault! Crashed a car into the world's first British Dairy Queen? My fault! Unknowingly shot Archduke Ferdinand and blamed it on some other guy? Oh, MY fault!

Seras: It's NOT your FAULT! Zorin, Pip, the Flying Geese? They were MY responsibility!

Alucard: But I chose you! Are you saying I made the wrong choice? Because I don't make wrong choices.. I make investments.

Seras: I'm sayin' I failed you! I failed EVERYONE!

Alucard: The only way you fail is by giving up.

Seras: I give UP, because I'm not STRONG ENOUGH--

Alucard: LISTEN TO ME, DRACULINA! You are SO MUCH stronger than you let yourself be!

Seras: HOW DO YOU KNOW?!

Alucard: Because behind those eyes, I saw something I lost long ago: the will to live! Now.. stop running from who you are! Confront it! EMBRACE it.. and go for its fucking throat! Like a REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE!

[Seras drinks Bernadotte's blood and becomes a true vampire, healing her injuries]

Zorin: That look.. HOW!? I cut out your eyes! How can you LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT?!

Seras: Fuck you, that's how! ..Zorin, was it? L-listen, Zorin.. this whole fuckin' place.. is my house; you ain't the queen vampire bitch 'ere! I AM! And you know what we Brits always say: God. Save. The Queen!

[Seras rips through the Nazis like a tornado]

Zorin: She's like a fuckin' blender, turning my men into paste! A German Bloody Mary! Why didn't we know about this?! Why didn't ANYONE do proper reconnaissance?! [Seras grabs her by the face] Aw, fick mich!

Seras: SAY MY NAME, YOU NAZI BITCH! [groans and screams as Seras bites off her hand] I SAID, SAY MY FUCKING NAME! SAY IT! SAY IT!!!!

Zorin: SERAS VICTORIA!

[Seras kills Zorin]

Seras: ..And don't you FUCKIN' forget it!

ANDERSON: The following is a fan-based parody! Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and is licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation! Please, support the official release! Piracy's a sin! And ya know how I hate that!

[open on Maxwell happily abusing his new power and position]

MAXWELL: For ye are the temple of the living God! As God hath said, "I will dwell in them, and walk in them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Wherefore come out from among them and be ye separate," sayeth the Lord. "And touch not the unclean thing, and I will receive you!"

BOY: Mommy? What's that man talking about?

MAXWELL: Yes, my poor Christians, we have come to save you!

MAN: Hooray, it's the Catholic Church!

MAXWELL: FROM YOURSELVES!

MAN: Oh, no, it's the Catholic Church..

[Iscariot forces begin assaulting London]

MAXWELL: Yes! Cleanse the Earth of these sinners! May the Lord have mercy, for I. HAVE. NONE!

[cut to Integra and company witnessing this]

INTEGRA: You know, I think your boy Maxwell's letting his new authority get to his head a little.. you should probably have a talk with him.

HEINKEL: He's.. he's just under a lot of pressure!

MAXWELL: You do not deserve God's MERCY! If He will not turn you to the afterlife, THEN I WILL!

HEINKEL: I mean, words only have as much meaning as we give them!

MAXWELL: Sinners will be allowed no quarter! Kill them all! LET GOD SORT THEM OUT!

INTEGRA: You're right! A lot open to interpretation there.

HEINKEL: Perhaps one of us should have a talk with him..

MAXWELL: I SHALL BE THE NEW GOD OF THIS WORLD!

ANDERSON: Aye, let me go have a wee chat.

INTEGRA: Oh, I have an idea!

ANDERSON: ..Woman!

INTEGRA: Why not write down a formal protest?

ANDERSON: Don't you dare!

INTEGRA: You can nail it to his door..

ANDERSON: Don't you fuckin' dare!

INTEGRA: Like a Protestant!

[the Iscariots point their guns at Integra, only to be blown back by Seras upon her arrival]

ANDERSON: Well, if it isn't Alucard's sidekick! Back for more of what I gave ya last time?

SERAS: Why don't you try sticking it in me again? I might like it this time.

HEINKEL: Father Anderson!

ANDERSON: Context, Heinkel!

INTEGRA: Seras, report! And.. e-explain!

SERAS: Base is secure! Everyone's dead. Ate Pip; full-fledged vampire now!

ANDERSON: And you're going to die a full-fledged vampire! It's a shame your blood sugar daddy won't be here to see it!

♪ [Ready to Die by Andrew W. K. plays from Alucard's ship as it sails into the harbor] ♪

ALUCARD: Well, well, well.. I leave for a day and.. the Catholics are crusading, while the Nazis are invading! Anderson! It's been only two days, but it feels like years! And you, uhm.. how are.. I wanna say.. Logan? Anderson, what's this guy's name?

Soldier: (Growl)

ALUCARD: Oh, better watch out for "Hmm-hmm!"

INTEGRA: ALUCARD!

ALUCARD: WHAT?!

INTEGRA: Release restraint level!

JED FOREST: Now, hold your horses! I don't know who y'all think ya are, but my name's Jed Forest of the South Carolina Baptist Conf--

ALUCARD: Shh-shh-shh-shhhh.. do you hear that?

JED FOREST: Do I hear wha--?

[gunshot]

ALUCARD: Hmm, must have just been the wind.

INTEGRA: Fuck it; dropping the formalities! Alucard! ...Go for a walk.

ALUCARD: [exhales] When hope is gone, undo this lock... and send me forth.. for a moonlit walk! Release restraint level.. zero.

♪ [Ready to Die begins playing again before transitioning into Party Party Party] ♪

FATHER ANDREA MARCO: Guys, I, uh, don't want to jinx it.. but I think we got him-- [gets beheaded] AAHHHH!

MAJOR: And this boot has finally dropped!

INTEGRA: I think it's worth noting that this is the first time he's ever followed my orders without any back-sass! It's simultaneously satisfying.. and disappointing.

MAXWELL: S-send in the reinforcements! Send in the Mexican Inquisition!

DON DIEGO DE LA VEGA: They expected us.. they expected all of us! DIOS MIO! [they scream as they're overrun]

MAXWELL: ..Send in the Salvation Army!

ABBOT PUISER: Holy fuck, bros! This is what we get for sticking our necks out! [they're overrun as well]

MAXWELL: Send in the forces of the Temple Beth Zion!

MAN: They fucked off before the battle even STARTED!

BARTłOMIEJ JELENIAK: Seriously! I can't believe they thought we were going to help them! [they laugh] That's for the Rhineland Massacres, you schmuck!

MAXWELL: JEWS!

MAJOR: It's kind of hilarious in a mundane way, isn't it?

MAXWELL: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

DOCTOR: What is, Herr Major?

MAXWELL: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

MAJOR: That none of these waffle munchers ever put it together that "Alucard" backwards is--

MAXWELL: DRACULA!

DOCTOR: To be fair, how long did it take for us to figure that out?

MAJOR: A fair point. But, we were very busy planning World War III!

DOCTOR: True.. also, I believe our forces are being quite literally slaughtered!

MAJOR: Ha! Who gives a shit? They're Nazis!

MAXWELL: All remaining forces, form up and protect your Neo-Pope! [his airlifted truck is attacked and begins to fall] AHHH!!! [he's knocked out of the sky and finds himself surrounded by Alucard's familiars] AHH! [they claw at the box, but can't get in] Ha! Stupid demon zombies! Claw away all you want; the only thing that can pierce my holy Pope box is the will of God Hims-- [a bayonet appears and shatters the box]

ANDERSON: [laughs]

MAXWELL: ANDERSON! POR QUE?!

ANDERSON: It is the sacred duty of the Iscariot Organization to punish the demon, the heretic.. and the false God!

MAXWELL: [gasps]

ANDERSON: Also, you're a daft cunt!

MAXWELL: [cries] ANDERSON! ANDERSON, I DON'T DESERVE THIS! 

ANDERSON: "Sinners will be allowed no quarter; kill them all, and let God sort them out."

MAXWELL: AAAAGHH!!!!!!! [screams as he's impaled and killed by the familiars]

[cut to Seras and Integra.. taking in the bloodbath]

SERAS: So.. this is restraint level zero, huh?

INTEGRA: These are five hundred years and change of souls that Alucard has consumed. After a while, he stopped actually killing people himself and started hanging around battlefields, letting others do it for him.

SERAS: How many souls has he...?

INTEGRA: Chowed down on? Oh.. two million.. ish? He calls it his.. [sighs] #LifeHack.

SERAS: [sighs] He would.

INTEGRA: [sighs and inhales] ...Let's go welcome him back!

[cut to Anderson mourning Maxwell]

ANDERSON: I'm not sorry for what I did, Maxwell.. but I am sorry I had to do it.

[flashes back to him meeting Maxwell as a child]

ANDERSON: And what has brought you to our sanctuary of love and brotherhood, my boy?

MAXWELL: I have terrible guilt and rage inside me that can only be quelled by the blood and subjugation of the unclean!

ANDERSON: Oh, ho, you'll fit right in!

[present]

ANDERSON: You were a good boy, Maxwell.. shame you were such a shit man. [over the communication device] To the Iscariot Order and all surviving Crusaders: fall back to the Vatican!

HEINKEL: But Father Anderson, we still have our orders and--

ANDERSON: You don't have to follow orders when your leader's actin' like a daft cunt! Also, Maxwell's dead, so..

HEINKEL: Oh, that's a.. tragedy...

ANDERSON: Don't weep for the stupid, you'll be cryin' all day. Now, follow my orders! There's somethin' I must take care of..

HEINKEL: Father Anderson.. there is no way you can beat Alucard as he is now!

ANDERSON: Maybe you're right, Heinkel.. but I want to take a stab at it anyway!

[cut to Seras and Integra greeting Count Dracula]

INTEGRA: I'm not sure we've technically met.

DRACULA: It is an honor, my Master, Sir Integra Hellsing. Please.. just call me Drac.

INTEGRA: ..I don't think I'm going to do that.

DRACULA: As you wish.

SERAS: Uh..'ello! Master, uh.. it's me! Heh.. th-the-the police girl! [he reaches out for her] EEK!

DRACULA: Ah, good.. it warms this long-dead heart of mine to see you so grown up.. Seras Victoria.

SERAS: [squees]

INTEGRA: Aw, this is nice..

ANDERSON: ALUCARD!!!!!! [shows up and attacks Count Drac]

DRACULA: Alucard is not here right now; you face Count Dracula of Wallachia.

ANDERSON: Call yourself whatever ya want, ya crazy vampire bastard! I'm here to cleanse the Earth of your filth, once and for all!

DRACULA: Many have tried and failed. Yet, if it is my fate to fall to your blade.. then let it be so, worthy opponent.

ANDERSON: ..Time the fuck out! If we're doin' this - and we ARE doing this - I'm not gonna come swinging at "Dracula!" I'm killin' ALUCARD!

DRACULA: You do know that it's just my name spelled--

ANDERSON: OF COURSE I DO! SHUT UP AND BRING HIM OUT! [attacks again]

DRACULA: Very well.. if you insist!

[beat]

ALUCARD: Hey there, Padre! How's little Timmy? You know what's good for getting cum stains out of altar boy robes? Holy water! Didja miss me?

ANDERSON: Like coke after Lent!

ALUCARD: Wait, are we talking cola or cocai-- [is cut off by Anderson's assault] Hope you don't mind, I brought some friends! ..Associates? Slaves. I, I brought slaves.

ANDERSON: The more, the merrier!

ALUCARD: [narrating Anderson's approach] The runner takes his mark, the starting gun is fired, and it's off to the races, folks! He swings to the left, he swings to the right! He's right in the thick of it, ladies and gentlemen, and what's this? Oh, it's a regular ol' bayonet jamboree! And who's this squaring up against him, standing 8'5" and weighing in at 600lbs? It's Big Barry! Better watch out, he's got no gag reflex! And he's a hugger! But wait, there's more!

[the remaining Iscariot forces show up to assist Anderson]

HEINKEL: Yumi, do the thing!

YUMI: (Speaking Japanese) [The death of Big Barry has been sponsored by the Iscariot Order]

ANDERSON: Yumi! Heinkel! I gave you express bloody orders to--

HEINKEL: We don't have to follow orders when our leader's acting like a daft cunt!

ANDERSON: ..That's the only time you get to call me any kind of cunt!

ALUCARD: She is sassy as fuck! Holy shit, I like her!

HEINKEL: Iscariot! Do you want to live forever?

PALADINS: We will live forever! In God's grace!

ALUCARD: Y'all know you're Naruto running, right?

MAN: God... IS GREAT! [sets off a suicide bomb]

ALUCARD: Ninja Catholic suicide bombers! [laughs] What a fun day! [Multiple suicide bombers shouting "GOD IS GREAT!"] Is it racist to say that sounds better in Arabic?

ANDERSON: Any last words, monster?

ALUCARD: Have you ever thought about carbonating the blood of Christ? You know, give the kids something fizzy to drink, ooh, you know, before they wake up in an hour? Oh, sweet, you've got some on ya!

ANDERSON: ...I forgive you.

ALUCARD: ..Excuse me?

ANDERSON: Everything you've said, everything you've done.. I forgive you.

ALUCARD: Well, isn't that convenient? But it's not up to you, is it? It's up to your precious God!

ANDERSON: You're right; would you like to speak to him?

HEINKEL: Isn't that one of the nails that pierced Christ's body?

YUMI: (Speaking Japanese) Yup!

HEINKEL: From the "Don't fuck with this" armory?!

YUMI: (Speaking Japanese) Yup!

HEINKEL: Where they keep the Ark of the Covenant, the Dead Sea scrolls, and the ACTUAL Body of Christ?!

YUMI: (Speaking Japanese) YUP!

ALUCARD: Ooh, la, la! You've got a nail with some Savior juice on it! What'cha gonna do, stab me through the heart?

ANDERSON: Not yours..

ALUCARD: No, no, no!

ANDERSON: Mine.

ALUCARD: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!

[he attacks Anderson, but Anderson manages to pierce his own heart with the nail]

ANDERSON: Through the Ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace. And I absolve you from your sins; in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit! AMEN!

[his bayonet pierces Alucard's head and he loses consciousness]

ALUCARD: Ugh.. SHIT, this hurts! ..This is a deep pain! Oh! Ooh, and it gets worse!

GOD: Vlad Teppes of Wallachia.. Son of the Dragon, the Impaler.

ALUCARD: OH, fuck me, he wasn't kidding! [sniffs] Hello, GOD!

GOD: Dracula.

ALUCARD: Actually, I go by "Alucard" now!

GOD: Hold that thought. [begins to cleanse the souls trapped within Alucard]

ALUCARD: Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?! Hey, hey! Stop that! STOP THAT! THOSE ARE MINE!

GOD: I am forgiving your sins, and releasing the damned souls you have imprisoned within you.

ALUCARD: [laughs] Ho-ho-hold on.. You've got a problem with people using others for their own ends? What, should I be giving you credit for the IDEA? Is that it?!

GOD: What is the source of your anger, child?

ALUCARD: Fuck you! You're omniscient, you already know.

GOD: Yes. I want you to SAY it..

ALUCARD: ...........

GOD: [sighs] Was it the ten years of ra--?

ALUCARD: It was the ten years of RAPE! Nailed it like the FUCKING Romans! Let me ask ya something, "Yahweh"; which set of prints were yours in the sand? The hand prints, the knee prints, OR the footprints behind THOSE?!

GOD: I have a plan for everyone.

ALUCARD: And what's the plan for the starving children in.. [laughs] I don't know, in "name an African country?" Is it for them to die? Because, if so, KILLER plan! BUT, do you know who WAS there for me? Who answered my prayers, FINALLY? Here, let's put 'im on!

GOD: I saw this coming, but I'm still not looking forward to it.

[Dialtone]

SATAN: Hi, God!

GOD: Hi, Satan.

SATAN: Hey, so.. I know it's been a while, but, y'know.. again, so sorry for what happened to your son. That was just terrible.

GOD: Mmhmm.

SATAN: Remember; if you ever want to talk about it, I'm there for you. Well, you know what I mean. "Down here" for you, 'cause you sent me here to Hell, but that's okay.. Ah, and, by the way if you ever want to stop by, I make some KILLER avocado toast; you wouldn't believe it.

GOD: Mmhmm..

SATAN: But anyways.. Alucard has been a super-huge help down here. Uh, really cleaning up the place.. I just wanted to thank you for forsaking him and sending him our way. Thank you so much.

GOD: Mmhmm.

SATAN: By the way, uh, while I got you here, could you maybe ease up on the requirements for getting in to Heaven? You know, it's just that Hell is getting a wee bit full down here.. [laughs] It's really--

GOD: Anyway, Alucard.. you are forgiven. And if you are brave enough to accept it--

ALUCARD: Didn't ask; don't need it, go fuck yourself!

GOD: Hmm..

SATAN: That's a pretty fair offer, Alucard. What are you going to do?

ALUCARD: The same thing we agreed to all those years ago. As I lay there, betrayed by the Lord I thought on my side.. made a monster in his name... I swore I would not allow another monster like myself to exist in this world!

SATAN: [laughs and sighs] Hey, by the way, can I get my dogs back?

ALUCARD: NO, THEY'RE MINE NOW!

[regains consciousness and rips out Anderson's heart]

ANDERSON: Ugh.. It looks like you got what you've always wanted, Alucard.

ALUCARD: I didn't want this..

ANDERSON: You stole my heart..

ALUCARD [crying]: Oh.. fu-fuckin' come on, man..

ANDERSON: [coughs] Times like this.. I'm reminded of one of my favorite verses; "Whosoever shed man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed. For in the image of God, made He man."

ALUCARD: ..What chapter is that verse from?

ANDERSON: Boondock Saints. [laughs] Ah, my favorite movie..

ALUCARD: [laughs] ..Fuckin' called it.

ANDERSON: Alucard, I hate you.. but I understand you. You seek out your own justice to right the countless wrongs you have committed; to find forgiveness, and salvation.. But when you find it.. will you accept it? As a man, much like you, once lost, adrift in the mad world.. I made peace with my demons. May I tell you how?

ALUCARD: Of course.. my friend.

ANDERSON: I--

WALTER: [crushes Anderson's remains with his foot] Said three Hail Marys, ate my vitamins, fucked off and died, Amen.

ALUCARD: WALTER!!!!!!!!!!!!

♪ [Alexander Anderson plays] ♪

~ALUCARD~

How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a Scotsman

Dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot

in an Italian village without a roof for sleeping under

Grow up to be a deadly demon hunter?

~SERAS~

The Paladin, Catholic father without a father

Got a lot farther by working a lot harder

By being a lot smarter, by being a self-starter at fourteen

Who knew he was gonna become a martyr?

~THE MAJOR~

Then a vampire came and devastation reigned

our man saw this monster sucking blood from people's veins

So he took a holy blade and he stabbed it in the brain

the vampire was slain; the incident lit a flame!

~ALUCARD~

Well, the word got around, they said, "This kid is insane, man!"

Took up a collection just to send him to the Vatican

Get your ordination, don't forget from whence you came

And the world's gonna know your name

What's your name, man?!

~CHOIR~

ANDERSON: The following is a fan-based parody! Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and is licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation! Please, support the official release! Piracy's a sin! And ya know how I hate that!

[open on Maxwell happily abusing his new power and position]

MAXWELL: For ye are the temple of the living God! As God hath said, "I will dwell in them, and walk in them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Wherefore come out from among them and be ye separate," sayeth the Lord. "And touch not the unclean thing, and I will receive you!"

BOY: Mommy? What's that man talking about?

MAXWELL: Yes, my poor Christians, we have come to save you!

MAN: Hooray, it's the Catholic Church!

MAXWELL: FROM YOURSELVES!

MAN: Oh, no, it's the Catholic Church..

[Iscariot forces begin assaulting London]

MAXWELL: Yes! Cleanse the Earth of these sinners! May the Lord have mercy, for I. HAVE. NONE!

[cut to Integra and company witnessing this]

INTEGRA: You know, I think your boy Maxwell's letting his new authority get to his head a little.. you should probably have a talk with him.

HEINKEL: He's.. he's just under a lot of pressure!

MAXWELL: You do not deserve God's MERCY! If He will not turn you to the afterlife, THEN I WILL!

HEINKEL: I mean, words only have as much meaning as we give them!

MAXWELL: Sinners will be allowed no quarter! Kill them all! LET GOD SORT THEM OUT!

INTEGRA: You're right! A lot open to interpretation there.

HEINKEL: Perhaps one of us should have a talk with him..

MAXWELL: I SHALL BE THE NEW GOD OF THIS WORLD!

ANDERSON: Aye, let me go have a wee chat.

INTEGRA: Oh, I have an idea!

ANDERSON: ..Woman!

INTEGRA: Why not write down a formal protest?

ANDERSON: Don't you dare!

INTEGRA: You can nail it to his door..

ANDERSON: Don't you fuckin' dare!

INTEGRA: Like a Protestant!

[the Iscariots point their guns at Integra, only to be blown back by Seras upon her arrival]

ANDERSON: Well, if it isn't Alucard's sidekick! Back for more of what I gave ya last time?

SERAS: Why don't you try sticking it in me again? I might like it this time.

HEINKEL: Father Anderson!

ANDERSON: Context, Heinkel!

INTEGRA: Seras, report! And.. e-explain!

SERAS: Base is secure! Everyone's dead. Ate Pip; full-fledged vampire now!

ANDERSON: And you're going to die a full-fledged vampire! It's a shame your blood sugar daddy won't be here to see it!

♪ [Ready to Die by Andrew W. K. plays from Alucard's ship as it sails into the harbor] ♪

ALUCARD: Well, well, well.. I leave for a day and.. the Catholics are crusading, while the Nazis are invading! Anderson! It's been only two days, but it feels like years! And you, uhm.. how are.. I wanna say.. Logan? Anderson, what's this guy's name?

Soldier: (Growl)

ALUCARD: Oh, better watch out for "Hmm-hmm!"

INTEGRA: ALUCARD!

ALUCARD: WHAT?!

INTEGRA: Release restraint level!

JED FOREST: Now, hold your horses! I don't know who y'all think ya are, but my name's Jed Forest of the South Carolina Baptist Conf--

ALUCARD: Shh-shh-shh-shhhh.. do you hear that?

JED FOREST: Do I hear wha--?

[gunshot]

ALUCARD: Hmm, must have just been the wind.

INTEGRA: Fuck it; dropping the formalities! Alucard! ...Go for a walk.

ALUCARD: [exhales] When hope is gone, undo this lock... and send me forth.. for a moonlit walk! Release restraint level.. zero.

♪ [Ready to Die begins playing again before transitioning into Party Party Party] ♪

FATHER ANDREA MARCO: Guys, I, uh, don't want to jinx it.. but I think we got him-- [gets beheaded] AAHHHH!

MAJOR: And this boot has finally dropped!

INTEGRA: I think it's worth noting that this is the first time he's ever followed my orders without any back-sass! It's simultaneously satisfying.. and disappointing.

MAXWELL: S-send in the reinforcements! Send in the Mexican Inquisition!

DON DIEGO DE LA VEGA: They expected us.. they expected all of us! DIOS MIO! [they scream as they're overrun]

MAXWELL: ..Send in the Salvation Army!

ABBOT PUISER: Holy fuck, bros! This is what we get for sticking our necks out! [they're overrun as well]

MAXWELL: Send in the forces of the Temple Beth Zion!

MAN: They fucked off before the battle even STARTED!

BARTłOMIEJ JELENIAK: Seriously! I can't believe they thought we were going to help them! [they laugh] That's for the Rhineland Massacres, you schmuck!

MAXWELL: JEWS!

MAJOR: It's kind of hilarious in a mundane way, isn't it?

MAXWELL: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

DOCTOR: What is, Herr Major?

MAXWELL: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

MAJOR: That none of these waffle munchers ever put it together that "Alucard" backwards is--

MAXWELL: DRACULA!

DOCTOR: To be fair, how long did it take for us to figure that out?

MAJOR: A fair point. But, we were very busy planning World War III!

DOCTOR: True.. also, I believe our forces are being quite literally slaughtered!

MAJOR: Ha! Who gives a shit? They're Nazis!

MAXWELL: All remaining forces, form up and protect your Neo-Pope! [his airlifted truck is attacked and begins to fall] AHHH!!! [he's knocked out of the sky and finds himself surrounded by Alucard's familiars] AHH! [they claw at the box, but can't get in] Ha! Stupid demon zombies! Claw away all you want; the only thing that can pierce my holy Pope box is the will of God Hims-- [a bayonet appears and shatters the box]

ANDERSON: [laughs]

MAXWELL: ANDERSON! POR QUE?!

ANDERSON: It is the sacred duty of the Iscariot Organization to punish the demon, the heretic.. and the false God!

MAXWELL: [gasps]

ANDERSON: Also, you're a daft cunt!

MAXWELL: [cries] ANDERSON! ANDERSON, I DON'T DESERVE THIS! 

ANDERSON: "Sinners will be allowed no quarter; kill them all, and let God sort them out."

MAXWELL: AAAAGHH!!!!!!! [screams as he's impaled and killed by the familiars]

[cut to Seras and Integra.. taking in the bloodbath]

SERAS: So.. this is restraint level zero, huh?

INTEGRA: These are five hundred years and change of souls that Alucard has consumed. After a while, he stopped actually killing people himself and started hanging around battlefields, letting others do it for him.

SERAS: How many souls has he...?

INTEGRA: Chowed down on? Oh.. two million.. ish? He calls it his.. [sighs] #LifeHack.

SERAS: [sighs] He would.

INTEGRA: [sighs and inhales] ...Let's go welcome him back!

[cut to Anderson mourning Maxwell]

ANDERSON: I'm not sorry for what I did, Maxwell.. but I am sorry I had to do it.

[flashes back to him meeting Maxwell as a child]

ANDERSON: And what has brought you to our sanctuary of love and brotherhood, my boy?

MAXWELL: I have terrible guilt and rage inside me that can only be quelled by the blood and subjugation of the unclean!

ANDERSON: Oh, ho, you'll fit right in!

[present]

ANDERSON: You were a good boy, Maxwell.. shame you were such a shit man. [over the communication device] To the Iscariot Order and all surviving Crusaders: fall back to the Vatican!

HEINKEL: But Father Anderson, we still have our orders and--

ANDERSON: You don't have to follow orders when your leader's actin' like a daft cunt! Also, Maxwell's dead, so..

HEINKEL: Oh, that's a.. tragedy...

ANDERSON: Don't weep for the stupid, you'll be cryin' all day. Now, follow my orders! There's somethin' I must take care of..

HEINKEL: Father Anderson.. there is no way you can beat Alucard as he is now!

ANDERSON: Maybe you're right, Heinkel.. but I want to take a stab at it anyway!

[cut to Seras and Integra greeting Count Dracula]

INTEGRA: I'm not sure we've technically met.

DRACULA: It is an honor, my Master, Sir Integra Hellsing. Please.. just call me Drac.

INTEGRA: ..I don't think I'm going to do that.

DRACULA: As you wish.

SERAS: Uh..'ello! Master, uh.. it's me! Heh.. th-the-the police girl! [he reaches out for her] EEK!

DRACULA: Ah, good.. it warms this long-dead heart of mine to see you so grown up.. Seras Victoria.

SERAS: [squees]

INTEGRA: Aw, this is nice..

ANDERSON: ALUCARD!!!!!! [shows up and attacks Count Drac]

DRACULA: Alucard is not here right now; you face Count Dracula of Wallachia.

ANDERSON: Call yourself whatever ya want, ya crazy vampire bastard! I'm here to cleanse the Earth of your filth, once and for all!

DRACULA: Many have tried and failed. Yet, if it is my fate to fall to your blade.. then let it be so, worthy opponent.

ANDERSON: ..Time the fuck out! If we're doin' this - and we ARE doing this - I'm not gonna come swinging at "Dracula!" I'm killin' ALUCARD!

DRACULA: You do know that it's just my name spelled--

ANDERSON: OF COURSE I DO! SHUT UP AND BRING HIM OUT! [attacks again]

DRACULA: Very well.. if you insist!

[beat]

ALUCARD: Hey there, Padre! How's little Timmy? You know what's good for getting cum stains out of altar boy robes? Holy water! Didja miss me?

ANDERSON: Like coke after Lent!

ALUCARD: Wait, are we talking cola or cocai-- [is cut off by Anderson's assault] Hope you don't mind, I brought some friends! ..Associates? Slaves. I, I brought slaves.

ANDERSON: The more, the merrier!

ALUCARD: [narrating Anderson's approach] The runner takes his mark, the starting gun is fired, and it's off to the races, folks! He swings to the left, he swings to the right! He's right in the thick of it, ladies and gentlemen, and what's this? Oh, it's a regular ol' bayonet jamboree! And who's this squaring up against him, standing 8'5" and weighing in at 600lbs? It's Big Barry! Better watch out, he's got no gag reflex! And he's a hugger! But wait, there's more!

[the remaining Iscariot forces show up to assist Anderson]

HEINKEL: Yumi, do the thing!

YUMI: (Speaking Japanese) [The death of Big Barry has been sponsored by the Iscariot Order]

ANDERSON: Yumi! Heinkel! I gave you express bloody orders to--

HEINKEL: We don't have to follow orders when our leader's acting like a daft cunt!

ANDERSON: ..That's the only time you get to call me any kind of cunt!

ALUCARD: She is sassy as fuck! Holy shit, I like her!

HEINKEL: Iscariot! Do you want to live forever?

PALADINS: We will live forever! In God's grace!

ALUCARD: Y'all know you're Naruto running, right?

MAN: God... IS GREAT! [sets off a suicide bomb]

ALUCARD: Ninja Catholic suicide bombers! [laughs] What a fun day! [Multiple suicide bombers shouting "GOD IS GREAT!"] Is it racist to say that sounds better in Arabic?

ANDERSON: Any last words, monster?

ALUCARD: Have you ever thought about carbonating the blood of Christ? You know, give the kids something fizzy to drink, ooh, you know, before they wake up in an hour? Oh, sweet, you've got some on ya!

ANDERSON: ...I forgive you.

ALUCARD: ..Excuse me?

ANDERSON: Everything you've said, everything you've done.. I forgive you.

ALUCARD: Well, isn't that convenient? But it's not up to you, is it? It's up to your precious God!

ANDERSON: You're right; would you like to speak to him?

HEINKEL: Isn't that one of the nails that pierced Christ's body?

YUMI: (Speaking Japanese) Yup!

HEINKEL: From the "Don't fuck with this" armory?!

YUMI: (Speaking Japanese) Yup!

HEINKEL: Where they keep the Ark of the Covenant, the Dead Sea scrolls, and the ACTUAL Body of Christ?!

YUMI: (Speaking Japanese) YUP!

ALUCARD: Ooh, la, la! You've got a nail with some Savior juice on it! What'cha gonna do, stab me through the heart?

ANDERSON: Not yours..

ALUCARD: No, no, no!

ANDERSON: Mine.

ALUCARD: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!

[he attacks Anderson, but Anderson manages to pierce his own heart with the nail]

ANDERSON: Through the Ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace. And I absolve you from your sins; in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit! AMEN!

[his bayonet pierces Alucard's head and he loses consciousness]

ALUCARD: Ugh.. SHIT, this hurts! ..This is a deep pain! Oh! Ooh, and it gets worse!

GOD: Vlad Teppes of Wallachia.. Son of the Dragon, the Impaler.

ALUCARD: OH, fuck me, he wasn't kidding! [sniffs] Hello, GOD!

GOD: Dracula.

ALUCARD: Actually, I go by "Alucard" now!

GOD: Hold that thought. [begins to cleanse the souls trapped within Alucard]

ALUCARD: Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?! Hey, hey! Stop that! STOP THAT! THOSE ARE MINE!

GOD: I am forgiving your sins, and releasing the damned souls you have imprisoned within you.

ALUCARD: [laughs] Ho-ho-hold on.. You've got a problem with people using others for their own ends? What, should I be giving you credit for the IDEA? Is that it?!

GOD: What is the source of your anger, child?

ALUCARD: Fuck you! You're omniscient, you already know.

GOD: Yes. I want you to SAY it..

ALUCARD: ...........

GOD: [sighs] Was it the ten years of ra--?

ALUCARD: It was the ten years of RAPE! Nailed it like the FUCKING Romans! Let me ask ya something, "Yahweh"; which set of prints were yours in the sand? The hand prints, the knee prints, OR the footprints behind THOSE?!

GOD: I have a plan for everyone.

ALUCARD: And what's the plan for the starving children in.. [laughs] I don't know, in "name an African country?" Is it for them to die? Because, if so, KILLER plan! BUT, do you know who WAS there for me? Who answered my prayers, FINALLY? Here, let's put 'im on!

GOD: I saw this coming, but I'm still not looking forward to it.

[Dialtone]

SATAN: Hi, God!

GOD: Hi, Satan.

SATAN: Hey, so.. I know it's been a while, but, y'know.. again, so sorry for what happened to your son. That was just terrible.

GOD: Mmhmm.

SATAN: Remember; if you ever want to talk about it, I'm there for you. Well, you know what I mean. "Down here" for you, 'cause you sent me here to Hell, but that's okay.. Ah, and, by the way if you ever want to stop by, I make some KILLER avocado toast; you wouldn't believe it.

GOD: Mmhmm..

SATAN: But anyways.. Alucard has been a super-huge help down here. Uh, really cleaning up the place.. I just wanted to thank you for forsaking him and sending him our way. Thank you so much.

GOD: Mmhmm.

SATAN: By the way, uh, while I got you here, could you maybe ease up on the requirements for getting in to Heaven? You know, it's just that Hell is getting a wee bit full down here.. [laughs] It's really--

GOD: Anyway, Alucard.. you are forgiven. And if you are brave enough to accept it--

ALUCARD: Didn't ask; don't need it, go fuck yourself!

GOD: Hmm..

SATAN: That's a pretty fair offer, Alucard. What are you going to do?

ALUCARD: The same thing we agreed to all those years ago. As I lay there, betrayed by the Lord I thought on my side.. made a monster in his name... I swore I would not allow another monster like myself to exist in this world!

SATAN: [laughs and sighs] Hey, by the way, can I get my dogs back?

ALUCARD: NO, THEY'RE MINE NOW!

[regains consciousness and rips out Anderson's heart]

ANDERSON: Ugh.. It looks like you got what you've always wanted, Alucard.

ALUCARD: I didn't want this..

ANDERSON: You stole my heart..

ALUCARD [crying]: Oh.. fu-fuckin' come on, man..

ANDERSON: [coughs] Times like this.. I'm reminded of one of my favorite verses; "Whosoever shed man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed. For in the image of God, made He man."

ALUCARD: ..What chapter is that verse from?

ANDERSON: Boondock Saints. [laughs] Ah, my favorite movie..

ALUCARD: [laughs] ..Fuckin' called it.

ANDERSON: Alucard, I hate you.. but I understand you. You seek out your own justice to right the countless wrongs you have committed; to find forgiveness, and salvation.. But when you find it.. will you accept it? As a man, much like you, once lost, adrift in the mad world.. I made peace with my demons. May I tell you how?

ALUCARD: Of course.. my friend.

ANDERSON: I--

WALTER: [crushes Anderson's remains with his foot] Said three Hail Marys, ate my vitamins, fucked off and died, Amen.

ALUCARD: WALTER!!!!!!!!!!!!

♪ [Alexander Anderson plays] ♪

~ALUCARD~

How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a Scotsman

Dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot

in an Italian village without a roof for sleeping under

Grow up to be a deadly demon hunter?

~SERAS~

The Paladin, Catholic father without a father

Got a lot farther by working a lot harder

By being a lot smarter, by being a self-starter at fourteen

Who knew he was gonna become a martyr?

~THE MAJOR~

Then a vampire came and devastation reigned

our man saw this monster sucking blood from people's veins

So he took a holy blade and he stabbed it in the brain

the vampire was slain; the incident lit a flame!

~ALUCARD~

Well, the word got around, they said, "This kid is insane, man!"

Took up a collection just to send him to the Vatican

Get your ordination, don't forget from whence you came

And the world's gonna know your name

What's your name, man?!

~CHOIR~

Alexander Anderson!