Sleepless

I was always the good kid and I always did what I was told. Don't get me wrong, I had an attitude and could shoot daggers with my eyes, but when it came to my parent's expectations, I always met them. I had the "right" kind of friends, I did well in school, I helped out at home, and I did my best to fly under the radar. I was the kid that befriended everyone and I didn't really fit into a clique; well liked by every person.

When I was fourteen years old my best friend's name was Tara. Tara was an even better kid than I was. She was a straight A student, lived on a ranch so she had a lot of chores to do, she played sports, and seemingly excelled at everything. As two girls do, we did everything together. You would never find Shelly without Tara or Tara without Shelly, we were two peas in a pod. One summer Tara took a trip to Australia as part of some club she was in and I was devastated. Thinking about spending the entire summer without my best friend broke my heart; what was I going to do?

That was the time I met my new set of friends. I grew up in a very small town, one stop light and everything was closed by 8pm, so we all knew each other. When I say "met" I mean actually got to know, my new set of friends. I became really close with a girl named Mary. Mary was a young, single mother of two little girls. She was older than I was at eighteen years old and she was much cooler. I quickly fell into her routine of helping take care of her girls during the day and partying hard at night. Being her friend meant I was constantly surrounded by people older than I was and that made me feel really cool. I fit in well and many people questioned the fact that I was only fourteen years old.

That entire summer I hung out with Mary every chance I could get. Day in and day out you could find me at her tiny apartment, listening to music, helping her care for her kids, and just hanging out. My parents were really wrapped up in what they were doing to notice that I wasn't around much anymore. I was still considered a good kid because I never got in to trouble, but that doesn't mean that I wasn't breaking all of the rules behind the curtain. I drank, I partied, I was having sex with guys much older than I was, and I was quickly going down the wrong path. One night in particular, Mary's friend Janet came over to get ready for a party with us. We were all putting on our make-up in the same mirror when Mary leaned over and said to me, "Shelly, there's going to be crystal at this party, are you going to do some?" I had absolutely no idea what that was at the time so when I asked her to explain it to me she said, "Crystal Meth. I do it sometimes at parties to loosen up. It helps me with confidence, I stay up all night, it is a blast." Well I thought that sounded like fun so I quickly said I wanted to partake in the extra party favors.

We got to the party, which wasn't much of a party at all, it was more just a few friends sitting in some guy's living room passing around this strange looking bong. We were sitting in a circle on the floor when the bong was handed to me. I sat there, holding this foreign object in my hands not knowing what to do with it, when Mary came to my side and said, "Don't worry, I will help you. It's not like weed though, Shelly. When I light the bulb and you see the smoke start to appear in there, inhale deeply until you can't anymore but don't hold your breath in. When you get all the smoke out of the bulb and you can't inhale anymore, blow the smoke out. Got it?" I nodded and she began lighting the bulb at the bottom of the bong. As soon as the first bit of smoke entered my lungs, I could feel the effect start to take over. I took a really big hit and when I exhaled a huge cloud of white smoke left my lungs. Everyone in the circle applauded and was extremely shocked to see a youngster take such a big hit. I felt amazing. I was truly on cloud nine. The rest of the night was kind of a blur. I remember taking at least two more large hits off of that bong and a couple more from a small glass pipe.

When it was time to leave I felt on top of the world. I wasn't ready to go back to Mary's apartment, I wanted to stay out all night long and go on an adventure of some sort. When we got back to Mary's apartment everyone else was winding down and falling asleep, but I just couldn't. I laid on her couch until the sun came up reliving the moment that smoke hit my lungs for the first time and thinking how awesome I felt. I had so much energy and that energy followed me into the next afternoon. I couldn't sit still and I didn't want to. I went home that night and slept like a rock and didn't wake up until the following afternoon and I felt really crappy. All I could think about was getting my hands on crystal again and chasing that feeling of euphoria.

I chased that euphoric feeling for another two years after that night. I slept with a few more really sketchy, older men if that meant they had what I was looking for. I always found crystal every time I went looking for her. I never had to pay for it and she was never too far out of reach. Right around the time I got pregnant with my first child when I was sixteen years old was the time I left crystal behind me. My boyfriend and father of my child, who would eventually become my husband, convinced me to quit for good. He has zero tolerance for hardcore drugs like crystal. I remember him telling me that if I even thought about doing it while pregnant with his child or after I gave birth, he would take my child from me and get custody. That scared me straight. The moment I found out I was pregnant was the moment I gave it up for good.

I haven't been the same since my first night with crystal; I feel somewhat tainted and impure. I often think about what my life would be like today had my best friend Tara not gone on that trip, not that any of what I did that summer was her fault. Nevertheless, I am grateful for my past paved in rough roads. It made me who I am today. I have been on both sides of the spectrum and it has prepared me just a bit more for when my kids become sneaky teenagers. I don't blame my parents for not paying more attention to me and not knowing that just because their daughter stayed on the honor roll didn't mean that she wasn't screaming for help. I am thankful for all of those sleepless nights for they woke me up to who I am today.