Grey is the feeling that is not often talked about. And, yes I said feeling not color or word because it is so much more than that. It is an emotion that the world ignores or rather doesnt realize has a name. It is waking up and going through the motions of your day, it is forgetting your own name, it's walking out the front door just to realize you forgot your keys in the hallway, it is minor inconveniences that arn't really problems yet it's a nuisance to solve them, it's when you loose track of time and days blur together, you can't t recall what you had for dinner and yet you know that you ate, it's the boring and menial tasks that your brain stores away, it's actions you take without thinking, blinking, breathing, it's everything you've ever done and forgotten, it's like walking, it's habits you do when your body is on

autopilot because your mind has taken to the sky, it's when the light is shining through your eyes but nobody is home, it's the pages that arn't important enough to be included in books, it's the days that are over looked, it is everything in between being awake and falling asleep. When everything is the same and all you want is change. It's feeling nothing because there's nothing to feel, people often confuse being depressed for grey. This is just untrue because when you are depressed you feel something when you are grey you feel nothing. Depression is longing for better days and better change. Grey is longing to remember the days and for any change, just to feel something would be enough. I'm telling you this because you deserve to know that what you're going through has a name that can be spelled two ways and that it's gray.

When I woke up this morning I didn't expect murder to be the first thing on my mind. It was definitely startling and yet it made me feel a little better about last night. The more I thought about it I decided I would act on it I mean it couldnt hurt right? Well at least not me. The only problem was this was short notice and I needed to find easy targets. That's when the phone rang on the other side of small apartment. It was one of my upstairs neighbors reminding me about the apartment improvment group meeting that I had begrudgingly agreed to attend and make the beverages for. They were really a lovely group mostly older folks just trying to help and maybe if the circumstances were different and I wasn't on a time crunch I would've picked more diserving targets. So after reassuring her I would be there; I went about making the punch which was really just 3 year old cool aid with a few other....addatives. Once it was time for the meeting we all met in one of the tenets flats. Everyone grabbed themselves a cup a punch and whatever sweet treat was provided, myself included. For being shabbily put together the "punch" tasted rather normal. Hopefully the wouldn't mind the fact that I had indeed taste tested out of the container a few times during the process. Though what they don't know won't kill them....well actually it will. The meeting dwelled on about boring unnecessary topics until finally it came to a close. I retreated back to my apartment downstairs and settled onto the couch to wait for symptoms to start showing up. Though they might take a few days to set in. It truly is to late for everyone in that group, they're immune systems are to weak. Dispite this I stayed up late into the night wondering if they might have survived had I not tested positive for COVID 19.