Honestly, I think about him a lot.

Even though I clearly had a codependency problem

And he was borderline emotionally abusive to me

I think about him very, very often.

And honestly, I miss him.

I blame myself for most of the problems we had.

I often think about how things could’ve worked out if I just wasn’t an idiot.

But even if they could have, I know I have to move on.

The bridge is burned.

Even though, honestly, I regret starting the flame.

thinking thoughts through

toying thus time

trembling through touch

turning to the torment

talking tales that tell the truth

timing tension

tactful tears trip the temptation

that tends to terrify the texture

this texture ties the tale

thus takes the thirst

takes the taste

the true tie that threats the thunder

the tone to the tragedy

this tone translates the trap

translating the tiniest truth

the turbulence

the tremor

the tyrant

I'll boldly go where none have gone before,

Within my heart I'm still left wanting more;

To sail into the void with open eyes,

To find new things that make me much more wise,

It truly shakes me to my inner core.

I never know what space will have in store,

It brings my courage right up to the fore;

To span the galaxy's enormous size,

I'll boldly go.

I hope to make the cosmos' grand tour,

The endless nights, the darkness hold allure;

The tears flow freely with ecstatic cries,

As I find out the universe's whys;

The stars show me a treasured open door,

I'll boldly go.

[A rondeau fueled by watching "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan" on the big screen yesterday.]

Some may say they meditate because they need an escape.  But meditation is surely not this.  It is the opposite.  

Meditation is diving head first into what is real.  

If anything it is a return; a return to the self, a return to nature, a return to the universe.  This return might feel like an escape because it leaves behind all the things your mind has so conveniently made up and so habitually displayed as your reality. 

It is an escape from imaginary problems: an escape from desire, an escape from materialism, an escape from relationships, an escape from power, an escape from selfishness, an escape from complexities.  But so much more than leaving these things behind, it is about finding.  Finding out that these things never really existed to begin with. 

Time passes and growth is inevitable. Whether that growth is inspirational or destructive is not a concern of time. We create numbers to track seasons but time has no time for such worldly concoctions. Time is so simply divine that it is impossible to truly wrap one's head around it. "I need more time." "Why can't tomorrow come sooner?" We all wish to hinder or accelerate time at some point, but what's the point? Our lifetime is but a mere moment in the eyes of eternity; dust in the wind as some may say. Time is a worthy adversary and challenging the calendar is futile. But collaborating with time while you still have it can shower you with satisfaction. Time is all we have; the only resource that has yet to be proven mortal. The clock ticks beyond our last breath and all we are is what we can leave behind; will we ever be satisfied with what we leave behind?

A part of me

You once were

Unexpectedly knocking on life's door

I changed my ways for you 

Each day ready to start anew

Excited yet filled with fear

Knowing you were what I held dear

Then when least expected

Bad news they said

My babies had all become dead

A part of me 

You once were

Mourning you in my heart forever more

*This was written in January 2017, five days after my confirmed third miscarriage

Walking through sunny grant park

feeling alive with the brisk

wind off the lake as

I move towards Buckingham Fountain

sensing the energy of people

Things are about to get very interesting, and not in a good way.   Many hard years are ahead of you, and you'll make a lot of mistakes along the way.   You probably won't listen to me now, because I know you, but just remember one thing- don't give up on people.   They may hurt you, and make fun of you, and make you uncomfortable, but they are not all the same.   Just remember that if you do give up on them, and you allow your fear and pain to overwhelm you, you will be so lonely, and things will get so much worse for you.   No matter how different and alienated you feel, remember that being alone is not worth being your own person and rejecting society.  Just remember that, if you remember nothing else.   Stay happy, and stay weird.