I remember our skin pressed together hot at seventeen. I remember long nights in your basement room. Lazy days in my bed behind a locked door. I remember the sun bringing your freckles out to play and toasting my skin to your favorite shade of me. I remember your fingers creeping inside of me playful on train rides to the city. Your mouth sleepy on my own and your arms pulling me into the cradle of dreams. And I remember waking from the dream in a desperate fever. Dead phone lines. Unanswered letters. Lonely sheets. And bruised love thrown to its knees. The floor its only brace. The snow drifting in as summer disappeared.

It felt like it had been a year, at least.

I couldn’t think. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat.

It was hard to be present in everyday conversations,

I tried to feign interest, but it just wasn’t as fulfilling.

I tried to ask (beg) for it a few times,

Rejection hurts – to say the least. Shame.

I was tired of watching videos

And to think of all the wasted batteries.

Every ad I read, program I watched, or song I listened to -

Reminded me of it. The feeling. The thrill. Ugh, I needed it bad.

I longed for it. In any form. Any body.

Touch. Messy. Wet. Rough. Hard. Fast. Deep.

Would I ever feel it again?

Satisfied?

Wanted?

Alive?

Full?

In reality it had probably only been a week, two tops.

I longed for it though. Craved it. I drunk texted.

Called people I knew I shouldn’t.

Does the hunger make me a bad person?

I am so frusturated,

Wet and unsatisfied,

Thirsty and unquenched,

Longing for the explosion.

A Mother’s love

The simplicity 

of our love

that’s so virtuous 

and true a blood 

bond a 

Blessing

That was set while 

I grew in your belly a love 

with no other comparison like it 

on this earth that will fitting it’s description

It can’t be bent nor broken .

within the lines nor 

between the space of time.

It will always be our finest 

Memories in a life time.

But if I had to express 

It metaphorically in words.

We’d be like the petals

Of your favorite flower 

with the most beautiful petals that perfectly

reaches to the sky just to

touch the rising of the

Sun every morning 

And petals that would

gratefully tuck 

themselves 

In a perfect circle with the

Dancing of the moon’s

arrival setting new 

tones of the day 

A blissful love of abundance 

that’s forever giving to the whole 

world and still there 

enough left in your big heart

Just for me 

just so I’ll have my own piece 

Of heaven here on earth 

And knowing the true 

meaning of a Mother’s 

Love .

My superhero.

I Love You MOM !!

5/12/19 Mya

I’m jealous of the sun,

how it crawls across your skin.

Flushing your cheeks,

pulling the freckles from under the surface.

I’m jealous of the wind,

how it lifts your clothing from your frame.

Tickling your neck,

teasing your hair to attention.

How you lift your face to each,

tipping your chin skywards.

How your eyes close,

how you let the pleasure wash over you.

.

agenda / noun

a plan of things to be done or problems to be addressed

I wake up the next morning and just lay flat on my bed, not finding enough energy in me to even move. The buzzing in my head is constant but not on a too high level. It’s more like white noise, static. I lived so long with that static that it seemed an integral part of me now. If it only stayed on that level, I could pretend that nothing was wrong, that all of my decisions didn’t lead me to the place that I was currently at. I stare numbly at the still dark ceiling trying not to move my eyes to the left, where an old wooden drawer stands - a piece of furniture way too big for this little space. But I don’t have to look at it to see it, the images in my head never leaving me. I slowly inhale and exhale, calming my unsteady thoughts.

My denial didn’t make me forget about everything that was happening in my life. It just let me organize my problems into storage space. Hundreds of tiny boxes filled with issues and bad memories, with my guilt. My problems were always with me, never really leaving my side - but I choose which box would be opened, its content no longer crushing me the way it did in the beginning. The visions of the state that I was last night floods my mind, hitting me with an almost too enthusiastic wave. My fingers curl up into fists. I had to let out the pain somehow, and because those moments were rare, they always exploded with force, dragging me under. I flex my muscles, feeling the tension in my shoulders. I fought with my pain. I fought it every step of the way, learning how to control it when it was necessary so I could survive.

I jump out of bed and head to the bathroom to take a shower. To wash away yesterday and many days before that. I stand under the hot water until it burns me, scrubbing my skin and the smell of the hospital. Then I put my head against the wall and let the water turn cold. Above its sounds, I hear the whisperers in my head. They aren’t words, still just noise. I turn the water off and look up. I didn’t hear them in a while. They seemed to be in hibernation because of Charlie, but I wasn’t fooled, they could have returned at any moment if I wasn’t careful enough. If like an alley cat I strayed too long from the human eye... from his touch. I had to face life again and I had mixed feelings about it. The subsided pain worked to my advantage; I could do so much more now and live an almost normal existence. I could function without it destroying me. But in order to do that, I had to crawl out of my cave and ‘socialize’ sometimes - I flinch as the word moves around my head, guess I went out of practice. I swear I was normal once, well, somewhere in the area.

Out of the blue, a faint smile spreads on my lips as I get out of the shower and wrap myself in a towel. The cold filling the flat already reaching my body. I quickly head to my bedroom and put some clothes on; a pair of blue jeans, a t-shirt, and the oversized black sweater. Well, the socializing part wasn’t all that bad. I think as my thoughts wander off to Susan and how well she always treated me... she adored me. I laugh out by the absurdity of my childish thoughts and stop abruptly. Did I just laugh out? Me? Just because I could? Well, that was ‘new’. I sit on the bed and dry my hair with a towel. I shake my head and look around the room. Where was my phone? I suddenly think about the photos that I made and start to panic that I won’t find my cell again or worse, that I somehow deleted them by accident. I never checked how they turned out, I just snapped one photo after another, trying to catch Morgan’s profile from each angle that I could. What if they weren’t even there? I start to overthink the situation and try to evaluate my sanity levels. Well, I seemed fine. Definitely better than I was last week, but still...

Alright, just focus. The damn thing didn’t just evaporate into the thin air. It must be here somewhere. Think. My mind leads me to the events of last night. What did I do just before I walked into the bedroom? I grabbed my bag to check the date on the calendar, the cell phone was in my hand, the bag fell down, and... I stand up and walk into the living room, looking around and inspecting the place. I gaze at the stack of clothes and pillows on the ground. I bend down and stuff starts flying. And there, under everything lays my phone, the picture of innocence. Almost laughing at me, taunting my mind. I close my eyes for a second, then just pick it up. I needed to get out more because I was behaving crazier than usual. Hmm, as long as the phone doesn’t start a conversation with me, I should be fine.

I look at the screen, low battery. I sigh and head back to my room, find a cord in my nightstand and plug it into an electrical socket. I check the options on the phone and look in the picture folder. I hold my breath - there they were, all there and existing. I sigh in relief and scroll through them. Giving every single one a lot of attention. Morgan’s soft profile, her fragile figure, the serious look on her face; making her seem at least 10 years older than she was. She looked so mature. I gaze at the faint light falling through the window and how her body is positioned and smile. I captured a moment that would last forever. It’s been so long since I captured anything worthwhile.

The phone lands back in my bag. I grab a jacket, put on some shoes and wrap a scarf around my neck. I open a narrow closet in the hall and take out an old dusty backpack. I had plans. The doors shut with a low bang and I run down the stairs. I move fast past three blocks until I find what I want. I feel my muscles stretch and expand and hear my breath speed. It feels wonderful somehow as if I no longer needed to hide from the world. I could just join it and not spend my days in the dark corners, trying to just make it through the day. I walk in and notice an older looking guy, maybe in his fifties. He sits by his desk and stares at the screen. I look closely, he’s checking his facebook profile. I gaze at the space around me; it’s small and I’m the only customer here. I walk closer and tap lightly on the counter. The guy jumps back to life and stares at me from under his glasses. I try not to stare at his jawline and the four-day stubble. It looks pointy and sharp; I silently wonder if I could get a cut from it.

Yes? How may I help you?

I need to develop some pictures.

Alright.

They’re on my phone, will that be a problem?

No, none at all.

I pass him my cell phone. He looks at it closely and then pulls out a suitable USB cable from under the counter. He plugs it and checks what pops on the screen. I see him furrow his eyebrows.

Which pictures?

I stare surprised at him.

Aren’t there only eight pictures there?

Well, I thought so too but there seems to be a separate folder with last year dates.

My mind starts to work on overtime and filters through many layers of strong denial. I thought I deleted everything. I thought I... I didn’t. I put it in a folder in the trash icon. My “just in case” file. I swallow.

No, just those pictures made most recently.

Fine, any extra wishes?

Yes. Each photo in two copies. Size 148x210 mm. The same thing in size 210x297 mm. I want it in matt and don’t cut off the edges if the picture isn’t in standard length.

He lifts his eyebrows but then just nods. He gives me back my phone.

Will do. Do you need it for now or for tomorrow?

Today. How long?

Over an hour.

Fine, I will be back in two.

I walk out and the corners of my lips lift. So, this is what my very humble saving are going for? Doesn’t matter. I finally did something for myself, something that lifted my mood. I walk to the nearest supermarket and buy some basic groceries. Milk, bread, eggs, cheese and so on. I stuff them into my backpack and head for one more shop. I wonder in and after 20 minutes walk out with three big frames that were made to easily fit A4 size photos and still leaving extra space around them. My fingers trace against the dark wood. Perfect. I carry them under my arm and head off to the park. I rest on a bench by a pond and sit silently. I take the view in and make the best of my time. At first, eating a breakfast that I bought on the way; a cup of hot coffee and a sandwich that could suffice an army man. After about a half an hour I get up and venture back. Taking pictures on my way. Finally noticing everything around me. The sun breaking through clouds, the falling leaves covering the ground. People walking by and animals minding their own business. Just life.

A few minutes later I’m back at the store to pick up my photos. I slide them out of the big envelope and smile. All there. I look through the photos of Morgan and stop on the last one. My eyes gaze at an older couple in the park, holding hands. Funny enough, right now it almost seemed like a little miracle to me. As if I was looking at magic. Maybe that’s why I loved this job so much. For that little glimmer of magic in an empty world. Reality mixing with dreams.

Everything in order?

The guy behind the counter asks. I look up as the smile still lingers on my lips.

Yes, everything is perfect.

I pay him the money and make myself not think how much I spent today. There was no reason in worrying now. I had too many things going around in my life, too many things to yet to be fixed. I walk past the sidewalk and that’s when my cell phone rings. I jump not use to it ringing or having it with me. I was still surprised that it even worked. I slide it out of my back pocket and look at the screen, at the same time trying to balance the picture frames under my arm. I sigh. Who else, right?

Hey, Charlie. How is my favorite nurse man doing?

Where are you?

He must have heard the traffic in the background.

What, no hello or anything?

Nora...

Well, don’t lower your standards now, you were doing so good.

I hear heavy breathing down the line and try not to chuckle.

Fine, I’m outside.

What for?

Oh, I don’t know, mum. You tell me.

Sorry, you just weren’t picking up your stationery phone and I got worried.

That’s nice, Charlie but you didn’t need to. I went out to do some errands.

Such as?

You’re doing it again.

Yeah, I know. It’s grown to be a habit of mine.

Don’t flatter yourself. You were just the same when I met you.

Alright, I just wanted to know that you were okay. And now that I do...

Fine. I was doing grocery shopping and developing something. I filled my stomach with food. That was a live broadcast from my fascinating and thrilling life, did you enjoy it as much as I did?

There is some silence on the line and a few cracks. Like he is shifting his position on a chair and feeling uncomfortable.

Yes, a five-star report.

So, am I off the hook?

I put the phone closer to my ear and hear many voices, some commotion.

Eleonore, I have to go now. I’ll call you later when things calm down.

Not a problem.

Will you be coming over?

Hmm, not sure. If I feel worse, I might stumble by. I just have some things to take care of first.

Okay.

Few more cracks and the call is ended.

I put my phone back into my pocket and shrug. Probably better that way, I didn’t like the distractions. They only slowed me down. I return home without any rush and manage to get up the stairs with all the cargo I head. I walk into my flat, stuff the food into the fridge and leave the pictures in my bedroom. I change a crappy backpack for a bag and lock-up. I walk out slowly but then speed up to a sprint, making it at the last moment for the bus. I sit down with a bit flushed face and I try to catch my breath, while not inhaling too deep because of the stench inside this big beaten up can.

My stare falls out the window while people keep bumping against me. It’s really crowded. My aim for today was getting to a hospital, but not the usual place. What I had planned, needed to be done in a more private way, and too many people already knew me at the Whitmore Medical Center. Especially that some - like the head nurse, could pretty much see through walls and hear the sounds in frequency like bats. I was almost positive that she used echolocation on me - asking me questions and hearing everything that she needed and more, just from my short replies. I shake my head; my eyelids feel heavy. It was risky to handle my things there. Maybe my sanity wasn’t too good at the moment, but I still had some common sense left to judge the situation properly. Well, at least I hoped I did.

I arrive at my place of destination at about half an hour later. Feeling tired and sweaty, my clothes reeking of cigarette smell and somehow cough drops. I step in and walk up to the counter. The hospital is smaller than from where Charlie works but, in many ways, it could be the same place. But let’s face it, don’t all hospitals look the same? Well, maybe except the ones for the rich people. I put on a polite expression as a woman behind a glass looks at me and moves it open.

Yes?

I need to make a urine test.

For what purpose?

Drug usage.

The woman sends me a long look from under her glasses but doesn’t comment otherwise. Nothing that she hasn’t heard before.

Alright, fill in the registration form, give it back to the nurse by the left. Later return with the filled cup, the same nurse as before.

She says calmly, hands me a form on a clipboard, a pen, and a small plastic cup. I furrow my eyebrows. Ah yes, the fun part. I sit down in a chair nearby and start to fill out the form. I give all my information but stumble a bit when I reach the ‘marital status’. I stare at the third box in line that states ‘widowed’ but then quickly move my hand to the left and mark ‘single’. I stop myself from hyperventilating and just shrug it off. I look up for a moment and notice the lamps above my head start to flicker. Then I hear a low buzz in my head and it’s not coming from the old lightbulbs. Okay, just stay calm, you will be fine. This is nothing - but as I finish the sentence in my thoughts another wave of panic hits me. No, not now. I didn’t have time for this, and I was not going to start to behave like an insane person here as well.

My mind starts to hear whispers before I can block it. Just relax. I breathe in and out, and to my surprise think of Mrs. Wilson; of Clare. I think of how it felt to just embrace her pain and not fight it. I focus on that memory and let the voices move around in my head without trying to silence them down - and it’s a funny notion. As if finally letting myself listen to the radio instead of blocking it by covering my ears. I hear them, but I don’t concentrate on the words, I just allow the sound. I keep working on my breathing and eventually, it calms down a bit. It still hurts and I feel that I’m starting to get a headache but it’s doable. I open my eyes. Doable. I grab on to that word with relief - though I am also aware that if the pain was worse, there wouldn’t be anything that I could do about it, no matter how much I tried.

I sigh, check the payment type and walk back to the registration - and since I don’t have the proper health insurance, I pay for the test at a normal price. I scrunch my nose, $60 - more money spent, great. I close my eyes for a moment before heading to the bathroom. This was important and hopefully, I would get some cash from my older pictures just as I planned. I already contacted some of my earlier clients and asked if they knew anybody that was looking for anything specific. Luckily there was some interest on the market. So, If everything went well, I should have small funds to keep me going for a while.

I return ten minutes later and hand the plastic cup to the nurse I was assigned to. She takes it, puts a label on it and writes my information on it. She puts it in a special container and looks up at me.

The drug tests take within 2 to 4 days. So, the results should be around Friday, but we will contact you when we have them. Your phone number is in the registration form?

Yes, of course.

I smile politely at her and try not to make a face. Somehow, I thought these things took less time. I guess the last time I did drug tests - or more to the point, was forced to - I wasn’t really too aware. Honestly, I can’t even remember much from that time. Everything is rather blurry - another long sigh. Those were very dark times for me, much darker than now.

I get out of the building and about 50 minutes later I get out of the bus and head home. I scrunch my eyebrows together and get my phone out, it was time to call my nanny. I wait around seven rings and he finally picks up.

Hey there, stranger. How is nurse life for you on this lovely, gloomy day?

Wow. You are actually calling me. What do I owe the pleasure, milady?

Oh hush, I was just checking in before the alarm started to go off, and your endless calls would start.

You’re making me sound bad. You’ll ruin my male reputation.

Don’t worry, I won’t tell a soul. Listen, I just wanted to let you know I’m alright and the day was pretty uneventful.

Oh, really?

Yes, it’s a surprise I didn’t fall asleep on the bus.

On the bus?

Don’t act so surprised. I told you I had errands and now I am heading home. Besides, even I leave the apartment sometimes. The need to eat and suffice the hunger somehow always wins. Survival skills, you know.

And are you going to come in later?

Yeah... that’s the other thing. I don’t really feel like socializing and still have things to do at home. So, I will see you tomorrow.

Are you sure that’s wise?

What do you mean?

I’m sure you are well aware of what I mean. Such a long break in your conditions isn’t really such a good idea.

In my “condition”?

I feel the agitation growing and spreading to my muscles. Here I was behaving and good; calling him first and doing a report on my well-being, and he still wasn’t satisfied with me. I pinch my nose with two fingers and count to ten. He was only doing this because he cared for you.

Nora, I didn’t mean it like that, but I have seen what ‘this’ does to you and I wouldn’t want for it too...

Charlie, stop. I get it, and I appreciate what you are doing for me. I just have a difficult character and don’t like when someone tells me what to do.

Yes, and as an eye witness of that, I can attest to it. But I still worry - a quality assigned to the job.

I walk faster now and reach my building. I start to climb up the stairs.

Alright, noted. But I have stuff to do and I’m doing fine, so today is off limits, I’m afraid.

Fine. But tomorrow is not negotiable or open for discussion. Are we clear on that?

24-karat diamond clear.

Well, it better be. See you soon.

Okay.

I hang up and walk into my flat. I sigh with relief. Home. It maybe was small and shabby, but it was mine. Just mine. My little safe haven.

I walk into my bedroom and take the envelope. I slide my favorite picture of Morgan and slip it into one of the frames. It takes an honorary place on my chest of drawers as if it could protect the secrets below. I put the envelope in the first drawer under my clothes, somehow feeling very protective of it. The other frames go behind the wooden furniture. I already had plans for them but today wasn’t it. I needed some rest and a couple of pain killers. No matter what I told Charlie the voices in my head were getting louder - but I should be able to hold them off until tomorrow. I have done it before, and I will do it again now. For a moment I pick up my phone and investigate the calendar. It was almost a month ago, but that’s okay. We haven’t talked in a very long time but maybe she won’t kick me out immediately - then I can give her a gift. She always loved my photos, maybe this time won’t be different, and if not? Then, I will cover my heart with my pride, survive, and just keep on living like I always do.

______________________

Last 3 chapters

11. https://theprose.com/post/252230/the-sounds-of-sorrow

12. https://theprose.com/post/260169/beauty-within-things

13. https://theprose.com/post/262107/remembrance

next chapter :

16. https://theprose.com/post/270473/living-arrangements

You’re ten feet in front of me laughing. I walk up to shake your hand. Your smile breaks me. The heat that builds inside me is wildfire. And I think you look like my next, hungry distraction. And I hope I look like yours too. And you might have been a nightmare, but you were definitely wrapped up in dreams. And you might have been a nightmare, but at least you kept me awake. And your smile breaks me. And the heat that builds inside me is wildfire. And I think you look like my next secret. And I hope that I look like yours too. And we may have been whispers, but at least I could keep you to myself. And you might have been a whisper, but at least your voice nuzzled my ears. And your smile breaks me. And the heat that builds inside me is wildfire. And I think you look like my next dance. And I hope I look like yours too. And we may have spun in dizzy circles, but at least our steps matched. And you may have spun me in dizzy circles, but at least we always came back around. And your smile breaks me. And the heat that builds inside me is wildfire. And I think you look like my next destruction. And I hope I look like yours too. And we may have torn each other apart, but at least we built the moments worth breaking. And I may have torn you apart, but at least I razed your walls. And your smile breaks me. And the heat that builds inside me is wildfire. And I think you look like my next, infinite ending. And I hope I look like yours too. And you may have never ended for me, but at least I know I’ll stay for you too. And we may have never ended, but at least we won’t start again.