I still love you

That’s why it hurts

That’s why it feels like turning my skin inside out and running rusty metal sheets against my subcutis

And I would

For you I would a million times

And I have

I have wrapped my self preservation in delicate silks, tied in up in the finest ribbon, and threw it into the first dumpster I could find

So that I could be loved by you

And I am

I am loved for how I bend

Gluing my body into impossible poses

With the unknowing authenticity of a child

And the strategic planning of a general preparing for battle

So that I can make you feel safe and whole

So that you can touch my supple form and feel like you belong

So that can you yell and scream about those who have wronged you

And so that you can make violent threats to others (clarifying you would never do such things to me)

So that I can be different

So that I can be unique

So that I can be your saving grace

But my tears have turned to blood

And my breath hitches at your sight

Because you never feel better

Only less secure that I will be there

Tied down and tied up in whatever shape you want me

You love me I know

But how much me is left

What is me if you ever only speak of me in connection to you

Who am I to you when i’m not in the room

I know who you are

You are funny, outgoing, and kind

You are hurt, and bitter, numb

Your body is my safety

Your mind is my jailer

I want to stay to prove your thoughts wrong

No matter how you push I will stay

But I can not stitch your skin back together as you wince and whine any better than I can my own

I cannot use my flesh to patch yours

I cannot be your only lifeline as you dangle from the tallest building in the world

I cannot stay as long as a planned

But I have not stopped loving you

I’m not sure I could

CW: CSA

"I like you in those white cotton panties" you said

You like when I’m sprawled out on the bed

You dream about when I’ll give you head

You like it when I’m 14

Your little nymphet teenage dream

You like it when I pop on your screen and of course I did

But I’m too young dumb and numb to travel

And the deserts far way off

I’ll be half way there and half way dead before the plane takes off.

but I was there in real live virtual person while you jacked off

Turn it off for me

Turn my phone into a black screen

Bouncy baby girl body fiend

I beg you make it stop

Oh what an effort it is to

Feel your fingers close around my throat

To lie through my teeth

To pretend I no longer need to breathe at all

Because we both need oxygen

But I thrive at it leaves my blood

While you choke

Oh everything ends it seems

I guess I should have known

I have seen the bread I forgot in the back of the fridge mold

I have seen leaving falling from trees return to the dirt

People I have known have died

But things are ending while i'm still alive

My heart still beats and yet things are stopping

I wake everyday to see my life decomposing

I am not like bread or a leaf

I am like a rock slowly eroding while the landscape around it quickly changes

I am like a single drop of water being consumed,reused, evaporated, and then once again cast down towards earth

I know the bread became food in another way

I know the leaves added nutrients to the dirt

I know the rock has been a seat, a table, a stepping stone for many

I know that water drop has gone on millions of adventures

I know it's transformation not death

So why do I feel like i'm dying?

Why do I feel like change takes me with it whisking me up like a tornado and dropping my body when it is done with me?

I feel like I am wasting away when I am simply walking in another direction

I will miss my tree

I will miss my lake

Who knows if I will like being part of the ocean

Or compost

I know I should just let go

But i'm not ready

Please let me hold on

For just

One

More

Moment

Scrape the contents of my stomach

Pant it make it art

Monetize my being

Put a nice price on my heart

Sell my soul to art dealers and crowds in big theaters

If i ever really make it

But I won't

So i'll scrape off my skin flakes

And air out my mistakes

And hope that i'll find growth

Cus' I did bad in school

Was never really seen as cool

Broke no hearts but my own and i'm to blame

So take my shivers and my sorrows

Take my angst and my disdain

Make it worth something to you

Oh please monetize my pain

I stay up really late at night hoping tomorrow won't come

I hope the sun won't shine a light on who I have become

And all the monsters on my bed

Have migrated to my head

And I just really don't know what to do

And all those who poke and prod also have no clue

I am just a shiny mess strewn upon the floor

Then daytime comes and they want some more

I am the jester of the day and ghost of the night time

Peel off my skin and just have a good time

Let them know how I really am fine

Even when I can't move anymore

I love you in theory I hate you in practice and trying to love you just ain't the right praxsis for me

my bleeding heart your bleeding head seep into the sheets on my bed

I’ll be much better off when you’re all dead

And the stories your told and the lies that you said will fall right off of your tongue

Baby i'm my own muse

I don't need you to create my trauma for your art

I am not God's gift to man

I have plenty of pain to weave into my own dreams

You want to know what it's like to be an abuser so you can cry about growth on the internet.

I made a mask for you

Just for you

I crafted the perfect paper mache masterpiece molding the the soggy newspaper to fit like a second skin

I drew on the widest smile I could

The most sympathetic eyes

Cheeks that blush the right amount when you say good things to me

A face the world would love

A face it would understand

And even though it hurts my face and makes the muscles stiff

And even though it's hard to breathe and hard to think under glue spread so thick

I will keep it on

For you

And I can for some days at a time

But I get tired

You see nobody makes a mask for me

Nobody studys my face in the light as my emotions show

Nobody thinks they should conform themselves to the contours of my face

And I put work into my personal craft project so you don't even know it's there

But the fumes make me sick and paper becomes so stiff I cannot even copy you the same anymore.

And the paint starts to peel

And my skin starts to itch

In a way that makes my head spin

In a way that distracts me from my human study

In a way that ends with me on the floor Scratching

Peeling

Tearing

My mask off

And once my mask lies on the kitchen floor

I disappear to you

A half truth for survival

The next time I meet someone like you

I will make a mask for them

Maybe a little less perfect

The paint bleeding at the edges

But I will still stay up all night trying to perfect it

Squishing my face in the mirror

Practicing the inflection of my voice

Memorizing how to be

And I may realize the paper has trouble sticking

And I may notice how how unnaturally it sits on my skin

One day I might be able to take that mask and sit it down in the back of my closest

One day I might be able to breathe

For now I just add more glue