perhaps he knew the exact moment this was going to fall apart, that moment he looked up at hazel eyes and was captured by the blazing yet soft gaze, by the cold cold blue flames. he felt alive, entranced by the flames as it rose and breathed thrill in his heart. his heart was a soft clash of beats drowning the world and he could only focus on those eyes, that smile. he was caught in the cold blaze of the blue fire that towered and he knew that flames weren't supposed to feel this cold, this soft.

and perhaps he knew this was going to fall apart--

but, he couldn't stop.

for once in his life, he never felt so alive.

his fingers dug deeper into the flames and it was exhilaring, took his breath and he couldn't stop- faster faster faster deeper. his heart was beating so hard and he couldn't think about anything else expect this song-- expect her her her. the fire was so bright and blue like moonlight and it was beautiful. it was his light in this darkness and he grasped it tight and clung.

if I said so... then it makes it a reality, a truth and I don’t think I am ready for that

I don't think I am ready for you

For me & you

Because I have been here before

It's not that I am scared (maybe I am)

It's not that I don't want you (or do I?)

It's just. I don't think that I can do it again

I have been hurt before

And I don't want to ever to feel that way again

(or do I?) I do love you but I can't love you if that means I will lose my self again. For me,

love is temporary yet everlasting.

It's dangerous. It's intoxicating. It's blinding. It's beautiful. It's happiness.

It's staining. It's unknown.

It's a tragedy.

I am not scared to love you. I just don't want to make memories that I won't ever forget. I don’t step closer. It's not you, it's me.

maybe that says something about me. maybe that's why you still cling on my hand and wait. maybe that's why these words, no matter I much I say them, are meaningless. because you can't ever be ready for love. and despite everything, I always seem to lose to the temptation.

but, there’s one thing that will always stay. one fact. that no matter what, no matter what time, I can't (or I won't) say: I love you.

if I said so... then it won't feel real.

instead, I will show it.

in each moment, that I love despite that fact that I didn't want to. that there were so many moments I wanted to walk away but I couldn't. that there so many times, I have doubted our love but I, in the end, couldn't doubt you. That I couldn't stay away.

That to me, this does not feel like love. It's not loving. What I feel is deeper, more about me and you. More about us. But beyond it.

I can't name it.

It's not fate. It's not destiny. (or maybe it is)

It's just. when I see you, I want everything. Pain, love, happiness, regret. Anything that stains and leaves something behind.

(and perhaps, this says something about us that you still are clinging on and that I am, without noticing, have been clinging as well. )

you are not the first. you are not the last.

but. you are you.

and I don't think I can walk away from that.

scary dark alone cold

empty hollow

bitter sweet

ashes

death

yet

feels like home

calm, comforting

like here,

you don't have do anything

you don't have to be anything

just.

you

it feels like a tempting sweet illusion

a lie

yet

it feels also like a truth

a plainly,

disgusting truth

you

can't face

but you do

you have to

you need to

and once you look into the darkness and it looks back

you are swallowed

you can't ever go back

and you don't want to

(but you do)

it's like waking from a dream that was sweet and you never wanted to wake up

but you did. you had to

and now you have to face the world

but you close your eyes and hide

try to crush the little voice in the back of your head

it's unknown scary confusing

you want to escape yet you don't

you don't have a choice but you do

it's bare

its doesn't make sense

and you don't want it to make sense or

do you?

.

Insecurity

breeds like vines

hugging the

parts of me

I try to set

free.

You’re ten feet in front of me laughing. I walk up to shake your hand. Your smile breaks me. The heat that builds inside me is wildfire. And I think you look like my next, hungry distraction. And I hope I look like yours too. And you might have been a nightmare, but you were definitely wrapped up in dreams. And you might have been a nightmare, but at least you kept me awake. And your smile breaks me. And the heat that builds inside me is wildfire. And I think you look like my next secret. And I hope that I look like yours too. And we may have been whispers, but at least I could keep you to myself. And you might have been a whisper, but at least your voice nuzzled my ears. And your smile breaks me. And the heat that builds inside me is wildfire. And I think you look like my next dance. And I hope I look like yours too. And we may have spun in dizzy circles, but at least our steps matched. And you may have spun me in dizzy circles, but at least we always came back around. And your smile breaks me. And the heat that builds inside me is wildfire. And I think you look like my next destruction. And I hope I look like yours too. And we may have torn each other apart, but at least we built the moments worth breaking. And I may have torn you apart, but at least I razed your walls. And your smile breaks me. And the heat that builds inside me is wildfire. And I think you look like my next, infinite ending. And I hope I look like yours too. And you may have never ended for me, but at least I know I’ll stay for you too. And we may have never ended, but at least we won’t start again.

Will you ever know my victories and defeats?

The people you once defended sleep with no care. They don’t remember you, but mother does. Nights are long, as she tosses and turns in loneliness. She fights to keep the tenderest memories from hurting her the most.

They say you upheld loyalty, where was that loyalty to her?

They say you would never abandon anyone. Why did you abandon us?

They say you lived by duty. Why did you exclude familial duty and us?

So, you won the highest honor, but let me tell you, a piece of metal is a cold, hard bargain for one warm and gentle hug.

If you were the defender, then why are your own defenseless?

Here I am, needing your advice and fabled wisdom. I can only scan through the limited memories I have of you. A pair of unworn combat boots reminds me of the battlefield called life without you.

There is that trace of a lingering scent though. It gets triggered when I see the lofty pines standing so proud. Your encouraging words had to be logged short. They froze midway like my unwiped tears, and I learn to fend for myself. I try hard to recall your voice. I call out to you from the top of my lungs. All I hear is the whispering of leaves in response to the roaring wind.

Some say you were inspirational, and my morale could really use a boost. Where have I not searched for you? I delved deep within the recesses of my mind for you, scoured every nook and cranny. But Dad, you left too early to leave behind a retrievable cache of memories.

Who would have thought? The one who took you away from me instilled the very values you upheld. It says I am that part of you that never quits. I’ll try be that loyal team player, and not just think of our family without you. I’ll toughen up, and one day I will surely realize you had to do what you did to protect freedoms of people who will never know you. I will remain disciplined, while they continue to take freedom for granted. I promise I will honor and guard it like you did. Rest assured, I will learn to respect our sacrifice despite their ignorance.

I am the daughter of the valiant American soldier, and I have looked long and hard for you. Finally, I found you and your voice in the Soldier’s Creed. This time I will not let you go.