Ashley

It was all my fault. Everything. The whole reason Micheal is in a coma right now. The whole reason why I am watching him die before my eyes. I keep screaming for him, but he never responds. Its all my fault. All of it.

I didn’t talk to Micheal for a few days. I was just upset. I would say all the routine things, but he knew I was upset with him. He knew I was just being a robot. This day was even worse. I decided to not say an entire word. Micheal wouldn’t stop talking to me like everything was okay. He kept telling me how his day was. He kept telling me I was beautiful. He kept acting like everything was fine and dandy, when it wasn’t. I was dying inside.

On one side I loved him even more for the effort he was giving me currently. When I was ignoring him with all the power in my being. He was giving me all the effort he had to offer. On the other side it was upsetting me, for exactly no reason at all.

He leaned over while we were driving down the road and whispered I love you in my ear. I felt warm and loved truthfully, but I ignored the fact and said nothing. He looked at me and said whats wrong darlin’. I looked away.

For the first time I could see he was out of words. He was out of things to do or say. My ignoring him was getting through. He was hurt.

Micheal still kept a smile and told me how beautiful I was and then kissed me on my cheek. I wanted so badly to turn in and kiss him back. But I did not. The reality was I slightly leaned away.

I was scared. For the first time I was secure and that created such a fear in my veins that I couldn’t even accept it. Why would Micheal stay. No one else did. Why was he loyal. No one else ever was. Why did he see me as beautiful, when no one else did. Micheal was more than perfect.

I needed time to be alone. It was too much. Things were getting too serious. So I just pushed him away. I wanted to let him in. Yet I was stuck from pushing him away as hard as I did.

Micheal asked me what was wrong and I cried. I told him that it was nothing. I said it so quietly that he could hardly hear and he continued to ask me what I had said. So I would say it again, of course ever so quietly. Micheal just continued to ask what I had said. I guess he was eager to hear what I was saying since it was the only words I said today. However, I was upset and this only upset me even more. I knew that me and Micheal were too good to be true and he would just leave. It was here that I decided to end it.

“I’m done Micheal. It isn’t working. Its over.” Those were my exact words.

He stared at me. His eyes told the entire story. He was heartbroken. My heart shattered. The only thoughts I had was, what have I done. Why did I just do this.

When Micheal looked at me with those eyes I knew that he truly loved me. I knew that all this time I had been pushing him away was wrong. It was a mistake, but it was too late to fix anything now. So I sat there in silence. Embarrassed and broken.

Micheal still looked me in the eye in such a heartbroken manor. I was on the verge of tears just knowing how broken he was. I’ve never seen this before. A man with such pained eyes. To know it was all my fault.

Before I could do or say anything it happened.

Micheal had kept his eyes off the road so long he went through the red light and out into the intersection. There was a car coming from the left side directly towards him. It happened so fast. My words couldn’t travel fast enough

The car went directly into the driver side and we were both knocked unconscious.

It was all my fault.

Now here I am on my knees asking the god I never knew to bring him back. My face wet with pain and tears. I feel helpless. Like watching someone fall into their own demise: Helpless. Except that is actually what was happening. I sit here watching the love of my life fall into his eternal slumber. Truthfully I don’t know if I can handle the world without him. Right now there are so many things I wish I could tell him. How would I know if he could hear me is the only real question. Then again here I am on my knees praying to the god I never trusted nor believed in before. I guess if there is ever a time to trust he is there—its right now.

So I spoke as loud as my voice would let me before actually screaming. “Micheal I’m here. I promise. Hold on a little longer. It isn’t over.” It felt warm when I said this. Not the warmth I can easily explain with words but an assuring warmth that Micheal had heard my voice. When I looked up there was nothing different in the room. Micheal lay there surrounded my nurses and doctors who fought to keep him alive. “Micheal, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” tears fell like a rainstorm sliding down across my cheeks,”I love you with all my heart.”

I knew that wasn’t enough so I got off of my knees and ran towards him. I burst through the wall of doctors and grabbed hold of Micheal’s hand. I stared him in the eye and talked to him. Calmly and peacefully. I let go off everything painful I was holding on to for his own sake.

For a split moment I seen his eyes crack open and I was speechless. I just gripped his hand even tighter. The world was lifted off my shoulders in this moment. When all I felt was the fear of Micheal’s death—he was finally waking up.

I guess the thing about hope is that no matter how much of it you’ve built up. Whether it be in a spit second situation or over a long period of time. It is always destroyed even faster. After the split second Micheal had opened his eyes they rolled back. The doctors dragged me away from his body. But I never let my eyes break from his. I swear he was still there staring back. How much of that being true I don’t think I will ever know.

Micheal just flat lined.

My world spun in circles and I fell to the floor. I physically could not handle what had happened just now. Watching Micheal die before my eyes. I know I had a small concussion from the accident but the stress from that happening took over my body.

I woke up in a white room. It was just me. There was no one else. There were no walls. No ceiling and what looked to be no floors. I was just there. For what reason I am unsure of. “had I died to.” was the only thought in my mind. I knew it couldn’t be true because if I had died Micheal would be here next to me holding my hand again. I’m just dreaming.

The room changed instantly. It became a field that was all to familiar. It was the football field from my high School. I haven’t stepped foot on this field in so long it was almost hard to recognize. There he was running across the track outside of the field. This was the day I met Micheal.

Micheal was a sprinter on the track team it was one his many passions. When he ran you could see it in his eyes. The sight was wonderful. A man with passion in his eyes. IF there is anything at all wroth describing about Micheal. Its that. The passion. No matter what aspect of his life it was, he always filled himself with passion.

It felt perfect all over again just like the first time. I searched all over for the words to say. Something to ask him. Just so I could get his name. Just so I could get him to notice me. He looked my direction and smiled. I thought It was just a coincidence. Why would he actually look at me and smile.

I always thought like that when I was younger, Hell I still do. It was so nostalgic and beautiful the sight. The memory of meeting Micheal all over again. God what I would do to get a second chance with Micheal so I could do it all over again. Just one more chance is all a girl could ask for.

Setting o’er the hill.

So orange. So red.

Forgetting the sky you fill.

So orange. So red.

Warming th’earth by day.

So orange. So red.

Cooling th’earth through the night.

So orange. So red.

Hears all minds all thoughts.

So orange. So red.

Sees all evil th’earth withstood.

So orange. So red.

Sees all pain all tears.

So orange. So red.

hears all good th’earth creates.

So orange. So red.

Setting o’er the hill.

So orange. So red.

Setting o’er the hill.

So orange. So red.

Forgetting the sky you fill.

So orange. So red.

Warming th’earth by day.

So orange. So red.

Cooling th’earth through the night.

So orange. So red.

Hears all minds all thoughts.

So orange. So red.

Sees all evil th’earth withstood.

So orange. So red.

Sees all pain all tears.

So orange. So red.

hears all good th’earth creates.

So orange. So red.

Setting o’er the hill.

So orange. So red.

When the light ceases to exist darkness will consume the world around you. Darkness—never a dark shadow in the night. Its the pain that sucks happiness away. The entity that tears the existence of positivity from our equation. The monster under your bed eating away at your life piece by piece—day by day, Night by night. The chill on your neck when fear encumbers your soul. Darkness is the evil of the universe. The only thing standing between our eyes and this evil is the thin layer of light that is everything we know to love and live for.

I now lay here completely consumed by rage. I Have found myself in a world I do not understand. I no longer have the ability to absorb what is around me. I do not see. I do not hear. I do not feel nor taste. I have not even the slightest ability to smell. To become nothing by such means is devastating. To not sense my surroundings— Again, I lay here completely consumed by rage.

I have one hope however, I am still able to mentally exist. I can imagine. I can think. For sake of survival I hold on to this hope with all my minds so very limited capacity.

Reality seems to be limited as well. What we think creates our reality. There is nothing else so real as such an idea. The notion that we all have the same reality is completely false. I can this understand now— merely by existing in such a darkness.

What you do not know however, is I am in fact hiding the steepness of pain I feel. Not pain as you would expect in a normal reality—no. I am talking mental pain. Evil from the world of nightmares. Nightmares that I cant escape. Nightmares that will not end. Between the feelings of rage and the loss of sense I find myself reliving the same dream. Over and over again.

I am angry to discover this is what I have come to. There was a time in my life when I could see the beauty of the sky. With her blues and whites. Her cloud spattered canvas against the horizon we all know as home. More so than not, we find ourselves upset with the vicious cycle the skies give to us. Rain. Snow. Thunder and lightning. Never does one think to themselves to appreciate the sole ability to feel, and to see the cycle of that sky we are so blessed to have experienced.

At one time in my life I could hear all the sounds of the world around me. I could hear the whistling of every bird near my person at any given point in the day. However, I very often chose to ignore the beauty of sounds in the world. The chirping of crickets in the night. The howling of wolves against a moonlit sky. I regret so rarely listening to the beauty of such sounds all around my person now. For we tend to drown them out behind other misleading focus. Such as cars, factories, planes and trains. The cities we have built all becoming walls between us, and the true beauty of the world. The true reason we exist.

I believe this next sense to be the most important of all. To feel. Right now I can guarantee I am suffering without my sense of feeling. For I was always the type to rely solely on my feelings. Yes when I speak of feeling as a sense I also include the emotional feeling.

There Is a beauty in the way we can feel. We touch and we sense. The warmth of a windy summer day. With a breeze blowing through our hair. We become upset after so much time spent creating what we see to be a beautiful style of hair. Only to be ruined in that wind. Yet I see now that the time we spent upset, or finding focus in such laborious and conceited tasks has completely wasted the essence of our time living.

We feel the cold, although not very desiring—I dearly miss the cold. I was always fascinated by the way the snow would feel. So soft and light and ice to the touch. Oh the games we would play with just a ball of snow in hand.

But feeling goes beyond that. What of love. What of the blind and invisible force that some say holds the entire existence together. Love. The only feeling that is absolutely true to share. A force of attraction, and connectivity. The eye opener of the world.

Love just may be the key to understanding that gravitational pull between all things in existence. Does the moon stay near the earth out of love. Is gravity truly alive. Does the earth hang so close to the sun because of Love.

Is there a deeper connection in this universe that we will never understand.

The sun so fiery and fierce. Knowing the pains she holds and unleashing their sheer power into the universe. Does she keep earth at such a distance as to protect. Is there a love story there. I do not know. I will never know. If I ever do learn the answer to such a question. Time may be so far gone that communicating back to you will cease to be a reality.

I think we as humans have distanced ourselves from our truly powerful sense of feeling. I see that now as I lay here. Void of all my senses. Sight, taste, feeling, hearing, even smelling. It pains me, oh so very much. Although I will say I have some of my feeling left. For I continue to exist mentally therefore I can still feel in the emotional sense. I can still here thoughts.

Deep inside my mind, a voice talks to me. Not with words for I cannot hear this voice. However I feel this voice— in a sense. I will venture to state this voice must be my inner conscious. Its almost interesting to know that even in such a state of being, ones inner conscious is still alive and well. Breathing and speaking. I wonder if this spark of consciousness is what differentiates life from death. Will I know my death when this voice inside my mental existence disappears. Will void fill inside after all is said and done.

No, I believe that I am alive. For I still feel my innermost life source, if you will. This may just be the break through I needed about now. For without such a hope I do not know how much longer I could possess the will to hold on.

This voice inside my head tells me to hold on. Such a feminine voice. I will say, I like that this voice is so feminine for I do not feel as alone. Its a thought like that, when I wonder if this was the exact moment god created the universe. Did A god feel this exact feeling. To create a woman. To give her a world. Is That the beginning of it all. The unexplainable relationship between man, woman, and loneliness. The relationship of all things in existence. Is love the opposite of alone. The fulfilled desire to fill such a gap. The inner fulfillment of all things.

That not a soul will ever know, however this voice in the back of my mind has given me the growing hope I have needed and that my friend— Is indisputable

The onset of another nightmare is approaching. It is in this moment. This slow, and crippling moment—I find myself in fear. Just Imagine waking up one day and discovering that the nightmare you had last night never went away. Imagine that the nightmares you will dream are the reality of your existence. And as a replacement for a dream, you experience absolutely nothingness except for the lonely thought cycle of what I believe to be my dying mind. Just imagine such a world for a second, and tell me fear is not something more than a spider on a wall. A mouse between your feet. Or a shadow in the night.

I am cast away into a scene I know to be familiar yet I haven’t the slightest idea how it came to be in my mind. I know deep in my bone that this scene is more than an image I created during such a raging nightmare. There is too much emotion. Too much connection to be felt for a simple coincidence. Yes it is still alarmingly eerie that I can not find the origin of the imagery here.

I see a road. Your normal road, about midday. The suns high in the sky, shining playfully into the corner of my left eye. I hear someone mumbling beside me. A female voice, although it is extremely hard to make out. I feel a bottling of emotion in my chest, Like my heart wants to explode. Fear and panic crawl up my spine. The edges of the world go black. The sun disappears into the darkness and I see nothingness once again. I am scared I feel alone.

That isn’t the nightmare however, that comes next.

After a brief moment of nothing, I hear clearly, these words fall from the woman’s tongue. “I’m done Micheal. It isn’t working. Its over.” That was the moment my chest exploded.

I stared the woman in the eye and felt pain more realistic than anything I have come to know. I then witnessed oncoming lights from the left side of my body, however I do nothing. And then it all fades. I wake up. Screaming.

Screaming not of fear but of pain. The attachment I felt towards the woman in that dream is indescribable. The feeling of pain Is far too great. When she speaks those words my entirety cringed. It feels like my heart rips from my body.

This is the nightmare that continually repeats in my mind. I know it doesn’t seem like much of a nightmare, but its my nightmare. Its in my mind—My emotions.

There it is again. The feminine voice I heard before that I recognized as my conscious. This time The words were similar but different. They repeated, “you have to pull through. Just hold on a little longer.”

Again this voice built hope into my heart. There was no greater feeling than this hope. Especially after losing so much of it throughout the imagery in the nightmares.

That voice I heard was more than just my conscious. Whether I was beginning to create a reality or simply experiencing one that was already real. That voice belonged to someone, outside of my sensory. Outside of my limited capability of sight. The voice was the same feminine voice from the nightmare. There is of course a chance since its my conscious its the only voice I can recall. However, why would my conscious be feminine if I am in fact a male being.

The voice then called me out by name, “Micheal I’m here. I promise. Hold on a little longer. It isn’t over.”

I yelled who are you. But there was no response. I yelled again. With a whirlwind of hope that an answer was what I would receive. Something more than an aimless voice. Something more than the nightmares. Something real. Something with response. A sign that I truly wasn’t alone. Not yet at least.

For the first time I could see something other than darkness. A white light. It was painfully bright. I knew it wasn’t the white light that meant my life had ended. That light would be warm and welcoming. This light hurt like a thousand sins burst through my eyes and burned into my soul. I then heard the faint sound of beeping. A beeping sound that continued to increase in volume until it to pierced into my being with pain. I also heard the sound of people around me. They were talking and moving. It was muffled and painful to hear but I could hear them.

In only a matter of seconds I could see a fuzzy outline of the people as well. There were doctors. About three of them. Which meant I was in a hospital.

This scared me. Greatly. So much so that I almost was more comfortable with the darkness. Until I noticed the one thing that kept me fighting through the last seconds of my life. The girl from the dream. The voice I kept hearing. She was there holding my hand. Screaming towards me to hold on—Tears in her eye.

I stared into her eyes as I heard the beeping become constant. The beeping must have been my heart monitor. I was now flat lined.

This I know to be true because the last sound I heard before I went back to nothing was,

“Clear.”

I see them sitting there

So so unaware

Blind to evil there love true

Beautiful souls the two

Those of common see their problem.

Together they do not.

A lesson taught so solemn

Happiness in every thought.

I say to be true for all the rest.

We can not see.

Incapable of love for we judge and test.

The world's disability.

I see now how wrong I was.

If only sooner.

Care in one another ’s the only cause

To true happiness.

I see them sitting there.

So so unaware.

Blind to evil their love true.

Beautiful souls the two.

After realizing my own death I wished to haunt you forever , until I walked into the room and laid my eyes on you.There you are, so beautiful. Oh how elegant your skin glistens in the candle-lit room. How your eyes glow with the light of every star I know to exist. There you are, oh so beautiful. Not yet am I ready to see that of my new eyes, but I hurt with that of my old.

Look at you standing next to him, so calm and luminescent. You look a beauty that I've never witnessed before.

You look to be in love, and who am I to impose all of that pain I wanted to inflict. Why haunt you so. I have no suffering from seeing you in such a perfect love. In fact I feel at peace with my attachments of yesterday.

look at me once more so I can just wave goodbye.

..."what is wrong beautiful?"

"I fear I've seen a ghost in the room."

"you must be crazy to think."

"No, I am not, I was crazy not to see what it really was, before."

"Are you coming back to bed?""yes dear but I think I want to sleep awhile."