Wake Up Momma

I watched your world crumble into nothingness through my adolescent eyes. The more and more you ingested the more and more you digested me out of your life. The pills you took and the heroin you shot up took you "higher to anotha level," but it only dragged you down into some sort of hell.

I can still see 8 year old me crying myself to sleep knowing that my momma would never find reality ever again. You stole from rich neighborhoods and whored yourself out to make sure you had enough money to feed your addiction. You always fed your demons before you even considered feeding me.

I remember 10 year old me screaming at your unconscious body to wake up. I only wanted to have one hour with the sweet momma I saw in grandma's pictures. I wanted to actually feel some sort of love and affection from you for once in my life. That dream was crushed when I felt your soul slip from your hands on the hospital bed.

I visit your grave every now and then, but repressive memories send my emotions spiraling into oblivion.

I hated you for how selfish you were. I questioned my existence when I fell into depression at 20 years old. It was hard for me to love and feel love when you never gave me any love to feel when I grew up.

But now I have let my hatred and angst go and have found ease promising myself that I won't follow that path of self-destruction you took. And God once told me I am in his hands. And his divine hands have kept drugs and the trigger out of my hands.

So here I am at 30 happily married with two sweet angels that mean the entire world to me. I have finally found the feeling of love as I said yes to the woman of my dreams and as I watch my children grow.

I would lay my life on the line for my beautiful family. Something you probably never even considered in your life.

I guess it comes to show how blessed I was to watch you suffer. Because I suffered too. And through the pain of my childhood and my depression I have gained wisdom to stay on the right path of life for me. The path God has me racing on.

I hope you are proud of me momma. My dream in life is to be a better you.

And by the Lord's grace I surely am.

-D.S.