Day One - The Rise
I am home alone and I have never been more scared in my life. I knew when I woke up today there was a strangeness in the air. Thick, silent, deadening. Literally deadening. Sometimes I hear banging, other times I hear screams in the distance, then nothing. Their out there and I'm in here. I'm afraid to move fearing they will pick up my scent, detect my blood in the air. If they get in, all that is separating them from me is this flimsy plywood door. I'm as good as dead and then possibly the undead myself if they don't rip me to shreds. This pen and pad are my only sanity and I hope to be alive to see the sun come up tomorrow and write another entry. I need to think, I need to get myself someplace they can't get me.
Pull it together Stef. You knew this day was coming and you played it out in your head. Please help me get through this God, pray for me as I pray for myself. I will end this entry here for today. If anyone finds this it means it ended ... where it ends.
“Well, Hello Again”
Here we go again. Just as one difficulty disappears, another appears to start the cycle all over again.
"Hello, I am back! It may have been a while and may look different but it is still me... Crap".
"Well hello Crap. Where is your other half, More Crap? Should I be expecting More Crap soon?" I ask on pins and needles.
"Oh, don't worry my dear, More Crap is not far behind and will be joining us shortly. As a matter of fact we should be expecting More Crap at any moment". I am assured
"I hope this isn't a bad time".
"A bad time? Even if it was, who am I to stop any member of the Crap family from paying a visit. My door is always open to Crap and More Crap. So come on in and bring me up to speed on the latest, but no so greatest of it all. I'm sure I am in for a few surprises, and after all, who doesn't love surprises?" I grimace with clenched teeth.
Why must we be plagued with problems, shitty situations and more crap. Crap on top of crap on top of crap, til it stinks so bad we are gagging from the stench.
When i woke up today it seemed like any other day. No, I take that back, it seemed like a great day. Everything was looking up. I felt happy, euphoric to be exact and it was just too good. That right there should have been a red flag something was brewing. After all, being happy, especially for long periods of time, isn't usually in the cards and when it is, it won't be for the whole game. We all fold eventually. A good run only lasts so long. That's why we are advised not to count our chips until we are done. So do not count those chips until you are ready to cash in. I mean literally, cash in".
Finding Strength
One day the moment arises, we must dig deep and pull from the bottom of the well.
Doubt, fear and failure loom.
Inner strength - Mental, emotional
Physical strength - Weight baring, endurance
We reach in and poke around as we teeter along the edge, and just when we think we are searching in vain,
it is felt on the tips of our fingers.
It is so close as we faintly sense it's presence.
We just cannot give up. We close our eyes and pray for hope as we stretch a little more.
Reach ...
reach ...
Got it!